Parents of the HS Class of 2024 (Part 2)

Parents of HS Class of 20xx
5996

Some positive developments to share about D24’s situation:

  1. She has a well woman check up 2 days from now AND got a new patient appointment with a psychiatry NP on 7/1, which happens to be my & DH’s 30th wedding anniversary. We’re all pretty thrilled that a new patient appointment was available at all. I explained to her how new psychiatry dept patient intake usually goes, what to expect, and that it’s her opportunity to share everything she’s struggling with in a private setting without Mom or Dad lording over her. She intends to be really open & honest & told the scheduler person that she was looking for possibly both med maintenance and talk therapy. D24 isn’t currently on any psychiatric medication.
  2. DH has calmed down.
  3. Min # of classes to be full time at her college is 3 per semester. I proposed that she take 3 instead of 4 classes. She thinks that’s a good idea for next semester.
  4. She’s come to terms with having to retake 2nd semester general chem.
  5. We’re giving her fall semester to turn things around academically. And if it’s another repeat of this spring, then she’ll move out of the college, return home, and go to community college and transfer somewhere else.
  6. She’s now open to the idea of changing her major to something like public health or healthcare administration and maybe minoring in Bio (instead of majoring in bio).
  7. She said she feels better after having told us what’s been going on.
  8. I told her last night about how I had postpartum depression & anxiety for about a year after her little sister was born…and how a combo of medication, some talk therapy sessions, and going to regular support group meetings helped tremendously. And explained to her about how seeking out help for mental health is no different than going to the doctor when you have the flu. You’re sick, not feeling well. Are you going to try to suffer through it and tough it out, even though you feel worse through all that? Of course not. Will this turn out to be a chronic condition for her? Maybe, or maybe not. But there’s lots of things that can be done to help treat it and make it more manageable so you feel better. She liked it when I told her that anybody who doesn’t like that opinion can go suck my big toe. :slight_smile:
  9. today explained to her the analogy of a bunch of ducks swimming in a lake or pond. On the surface, they appear very smooth, elegant, like they’re just easily coasting by. But under the surface, the ducks are all frantically paddling with their feet to just keep going…and a lot of students are like that, too…you just can’t tell because everybody’s afraid of having it look like they don’t have their act together.
  10. D24 doesn’t know it yet, but my sister is going to take her out shopping for her birthday next month, buy her some new outfits, get her some help with her hair (the kid needs a hairdo that doesn’t look like 15 yr old girl hair), so D24 can get some help in upping her game in the dating department.
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5997

This post hurt my heart and reminded me of a very hard time after 1st year with C21. Long story short C took a super hard class load first semester, didn’t eat properly (has celiac), and was suffering with mental health issues (probably caused by class load and celiac). Needless to say ended up with very, very low GPA. Got some help from school counseling center, came home for a semester and got their gastrointestinal issues sorted out, and returned to school with a new plan. They were able to claw their GPA back to a respectable 3.4 and has an awesome research position this summer. All to say one semester does not define you and can make you stronger and more focused. My very best wishes for your D, she has got this! Especially with great parents in her corner!!

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5998

Popping in as one of your Class of 25 buddies… Tell your daughter that an internet stranger you know was a bio major in college - struggled hard to get C+s in bio classes, got a D+ in my first chem class and failed organic chemistry. I ended up switching to public policy - with a focus on global health and health policy - when I realized that if classes are that much of a struggle, and there’s no fun and only dread, then it’s not the right fit. I ended up going to law school (a top 20) and focusing on public health. I started my career working on issues that mattered deeply to me in the realm of public health and health access. I ended up moving away from that to work in other areas of helping the underserved and/or science related management type jobs. I’m very successful (if I may say so myself) even with abysmal science grades in the early part of college.

I had never had to work hard in school before college, and I lived in an honors dorm. It felt soul crushing to perform so badly for the first time and to see so many other people seemingly knocking it out of the park. It made me question everything about myself and my self worth (why yes, I did always identify as “the smart one”; my sister was “the fun/pretty/popular one”) and why I “couldn’t do it” when “everyone else” could. It was a dark time that involved a lot of soul searching. I failed the class during spring semester and we, shortly thereafter, went to the beach as a family. I spent the whole week listening to my favorite U2 tape on replay on my bright yellow walkman, staring at the ocean, and contemplating my future. At the end of the week I realized I had nearly completed the public policy major just with fun courses and APs and that it would be easy to do and something I could enjoy.

Point of all this - she’s not alone. Even 30+ years ago me had a similar situation (even down to the not dating - I was the sorority sister that always got the set up date for our formals). The important thing is that she’s taking the time to figure out what feels right and good to her, and what makes her happy. There are so many really interesting paths she can pursue - if a bio major isn’t the be all and end all, then there are more fields that will still let her work - and be successful - in this arena.

Good luck to you and her. Tell her that your internet friends are rooting for her (if that doesn’t freak her out).

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5999

You’re a great mom and doing all the right things. Great progress already on so many fronts! If she ends up with a diagnosis of anxiety/depression or adhd, definitely alert the school so they can help put supports in place. It’s made such a difference for my youngest once diagnosed in high school. It can easily be hidden in girls as it presents differently.

Another supportive comment on this semester not being defining - tell her another internet friend’s spouse got a 1.6 freshman year. Switched out of engineering into business, and now they regularly go back as a speaker at the college. From what you’ve shared she is a strong young woman, this is just a blip in the scheme of things.

Offering you so much support, be kind to yourself too.

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6000

SO MUCH THIS!!! These kids truly feel like they are the ONLY ones not loving their school experience and it’s because they don’t talk about it. They see all the social media posts that make it look like everyone is having an amazing time, tons of friends, etc., etc. College is HARD. It can be lonely, overwhelming, etc. S24 had a very up and down freshman year. We have spent a lot of time talking about how there are so many kids struggling but they don’t talk about it because they are supposed to seem like this is the best time of their lives. One kid in his extended friend group got kicked out of school and told none of them - just didn’t;t go back to school after Christmas break. They are all just finding out now. I feel like knowing that might have helped S24 realize how many kids struggle. Huge hugs to you and D24- I am so glad she feels comfortable enough to tell you all of this- it is really hard for them I know mine was/is still afraid of disappointing/worrying us. I told him I signed up for this by choosing to become a mom and never want him to be too afraid to tell us what is going on.

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6001

Learned that the counseling center at D24’s school has free online counseling available through an app. I made D24 register and she has an appointment for Fri of next week. No cost to students. She tried to balk at first, said she wanted to wait until the psychiatry appt on 7/1. I said no…not given what she told me about last night. Sorry kiddo, if there’s this free counseling available then you’re not going to wait another 5 weeks.

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@sbinaz - Your post breaks my heart. I am so sorry to hear of your daughter’s struggles.

I shared here a long time ago the severe mental health struggles my S24 experienced from 8th grade through his sophomore year in high school. (All the things - depression, anxiety, self harm, body dysmorphia, suicidal ideation, one suicide attempt.)

In my opinion, your mom instincts are spot on. By immediately helping your daughter get the help and support she needs, you are changing the course for her.

I’m very glad that your husband is getting on board. My husband initially questioned the extent of the care I sought for our son. Now he looks back and thanks me for getting him what he needed.

You’ve got a lot of internet friends here on your side. But please feel free to DM me if you ever want to chat, vent, or cry. :heart:

And PS - definitely get the mental health accommodations. My son has approval for a single just in case he needs it. I know there are more accommodations available; highly recommend securing what she can.

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I didn’t know that a student can get mental health accommodations. Thank you for mentioning that! I think some other people a little earlier mentioned it too. This is entirely new territory for us.

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My D21 has mental health accommodations for a single, too. She has had anxiety and depression (and has been taking meds) since 9th grade. She didn’t apply for housing accommodations until after sophomore year in college, because we weren’t aware they were available for mental health. Freshman year was devastatingly difficult for her, but things improved over time. You are doing the right things for your daughter. Summer can be a really great time for healing and regrouping. Hugs from another internet stranger who’s been in a similar place.

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6005

This tapped into all my fears for D25, also Celiac and prone to fainting from POTS. Hopefully housing request is approved to be near largest dining hall with allergen station. It’s such a vicious cycle with adequate nutrition, GI issues, and then the anxiety that comes with it all in terms of food safety from cross-contamination and being able to socialize normally around food. She accepted a fellowship so has to maintain a strong gpa for program and scholarship. Not having to factor in dining was so freeing with S24, most schools are not great at it unfortunately.

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@sbinaz I’m sorry she’s struggling. It sounds like you are doing a great job with everything. She’s lucky to have you

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6007

Wow–Celiac and POTS are really big issues. I have major respect for you as a mom for forging ahead with all of that! I know your daughter will be okay with you in her corner.

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@sbinaz just sending you and your kid hugs. She’s so not alone. I posted a couple of weeks back about my own C24, who struggled in second semester. I think they’re on an upswing now, but it’s so hard to tell. I hope your daughter gets the help she needs and has a better sophomore year.

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6009

My gut is telling me that D24 might be really deficient in vitamin D. D24 doesn’t take a multivitamin (despite me having supplied them at the start of the school year) AND her dorm room was pretty dark AND she & roommate always kept the blinds closed. I myself have had low vitamin D problems before and for awhile, I had to be on prescription strength vit D supplements. Am going to urge her to ask in her gynecology check up tomorrow for them to order vit D bloodwork to check. However, with my luck, she will forget to ask. Meanwhile, I’m going to buy some vit D supplements at Sprouts today anyway.

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6010

Great idea! We have to do bloodwork for vitamins as Celiac’s don’t absorb nutrients as well. Being low in B vitamins, D, iron and magnesium can contribute to anxiety and depression. A significant amount of people are vitamin D deficient these days.

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6011

@sbinaz, thinking of you and your daughter! It CAN feel like “everyone else has it together” when so many are struggling!

My kid had a real mixed bag year, grades wise - failed a course in fall, and withdrew from one in spring when the writing was on the wall. Also some adhd/anxiety issues in play, and just… the transition to this new stage is a LOT. She was so anxious about spring grades she refused to even look for over a week after we knew they were in, and I finally said just send me a screenshot so we can make any plans we need to make - and she was surprised that they were actually not BAD - Bs are GREAT for my kid!
She had a panicky finals week, was sure she was going to fail everything, but managed to get an extension on one big project, she went to her student success advisor who was fantastic in making a color coded plan to get everything done that needed to be done (and even scheduled her for a midweek check in on her progress), and she managed to make it happen. She will have to figure out 2 classes to fill in the requirements but she can do that later, next summer or something, and can probably take them at my school for free and transfer them over.

What I try to focus on - and this comes from parenting a neurodivergent/not high achieving kid, as well as my career in higher ed - are all the things that are ungraded successes.She went to a school where she knew NOT ONE PERSON, 4+ hours away, and manged to make friends, figure out how to navigate the bus and train, take control of her health care, get to urgent care when she was sick, advocate for herself with her teachers and access supports (even if it was late in the game, she DID, and definitely sees the value) host a radio show*, get a job, make some great art, and be really independent in a whole new way.
She even got herself moved out and home all on her own - I coordinate our commencement, which means there are two days when I can absolutely not at all work remote, and our main event was the same day as her move out - so she brought the bus up, stayed for the weekend (and brought a friend!) and then took my car back and managed to get most of her big stuff into a storage unit, and then pack up the rest into the car and drive herself home. I was far more stressed about the packing/storing than I was about the actual drive, but she did it and did it well, and efficiently. Now that her grades are in and she should be all set to return (she was definitely terrified about failing out), there is a lightness in her voice that has been missing for a while. She just took her first solo plane trip to visit my sister, and is having a great time out west, when she returns she’ll have a couple weeks before reporting as a camp counselor at the camp she loved as a girl. So much good stuff beyond the F, you know?

She really does love everything about college except maybe the classes part. But it’s helped her decide on a new major (which I could’ve told her that a year ago when she thought she might want to be a teacher, but she had to come to that on her own :slight_smile: ) and hopefully the lessons learned from her first year on top of feeling more confident in her friendships and location will help her be more (academically) successful. Really though, the first year was a win for growth and independence.

*highly recommend, especially if you can tune in from a distance - it was good to hear her voice each week and hear her get more confident with each show, and in second semester she got a friend to join her, so it was fun to hear her with friends! It was definitely a highlight for her - and for us.

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Silver lining to the cloud:

  1. based on what I’ve been able to find, it looks like she might NOT have to retake the English class that she got a C- in.
  2. since D24 won’t be taking O Chem anymore next semester, this frees up a slot for her to take a 1 hour/wk class called “Exploring Health Professions,” which is intended for sophomores.
  3. since she failed Gen Chem 2, she can’t take Microbiology this fall. BUT Intro to Public Health still has spots available, as does an “Ethics & Medicine” class. She’s going to figure out which one of those she would want to take and will email the professor asking him/her to hold a spot for her when enrollment reopens just before the semester begins.
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D24 spent several hours today w/her 2 BFFs from high school. You can tell that they had a great time. I’m glad that D24 was able to connect with them. She said 1 of the girls attends an in-state public university…that friend was complaining about how foolish and ignorant some students are who she’s encountered in some of her classes. Like in a fall semester english class, they all had to say something about themselves, like what their hobbies were. Friend said hers were reading and crochet. A sorority girl in the class then scoffed at that and said, “Are those even real hobbies? Mine is tanning.”

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My C’s experience really was not the fault of the college. They were really lazy about advocating for themself with dining and just decided to eat whatever they wanted. There is a lot to manage for kids their first year away and celiac’s just need to prioritize what they put in their body. She must be so excited to start this journey! Wishing you guys the best first year!

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Mine had a great day with some HS friends last week, too. Weirdly, my very average kid ends up surrounded by very high achievers (which can be harder than you think) so I think it was actually great to hear her friends from elite schools talking about how they were homesick and worried about grades, and waited too long to get extra help but pulled it out etc etc.

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