This process is so much harder now. My criteria for college was a small liberal arts college and far away from home. My mom did not complete high school and I went to a public school with a very low rate of kids going to any college. I got rejected from my top choice and went to a school that I never visited but gave me amazing aid. I had no clue what I was doing, but it was the best thing that could have happened. I am not sure if anyone else is in this position, but my son is really having a hard time with 3 rejections from this weekend. 2 were his top choices. All “highly rejective” schools. His stats and application were enough to get him considered, but they are just so hard. I anticipated rejections and thought he understood that. Shortly before the decisions were expected, he said whatever happens, happens and seemed excited about his top 2 acceptances (#3 and #4 on his preference list). Now, he seems uninspired by everything and has been so down. I want to move on and start discussing the pros and cons of each, but know he needs time to process. So hard for me to back off. I am a planner. Now worried he will not be able to see all the positives of these schools at admitted students days. Hoping he has perspective by the time we go to the first one on April 5! I am grateful for no wait lists for him, because that would make it even harder to let these places go for him. Good luck to everyone watching their kids go through all the ups and downs of this process.
We are in a similar place, but with even more rejections. S25 seemed mostly okay with their choices so far, even after a string of rejections last week. But then Saturday brought a rejection from their #2 and last night from their #3. Their current #1 is this Thursday, but we all know what day that is, and rejections from 2, 3, etc., don’t bode well for #1. Last night, they said that “everyone” they know has gotten into their first or second choice, and they will be settling for a school they don’t love. Of course, we haven’t visited some of those schools, so hopefully, there will be a spark or two at one. They seem to focus on the faults of each of their choices, and I don’t know how to shift their mindset. If I say they will find a place for them, that gets them upset. If I mention they can always transfer or try for their top choices for grad school, that gets them upset. If I say nothing, they get upset. I’m struggling with how to support them. Planning that crazy road trip to visit four schools in six days and killing my monthly budget to try to figure this out.
We went on an admitted students day yesterday, have one on Sunday, and have another next Saturday. Those are his top 3 and he’s pretty much ruled out the other 4. Waiting for 2 more this week.
But teenagers are going to teenager and he won’t really have any discussions with us over it. And he’s like “this is my decision” to which I reminded him “not when we pay for it, it isn’t just YOUR decision”.
It’s soooo frustrating. I’m happy and excited, wanted to get him a t-shirt at the book store, but NOOOOOOO he hasn’t made his decision! I’m like your brother has all sorts of college gear from other schools. Big deal. He’s just currently a thief of joy, he just can’t process these emotions and they manifest as just being a general grump and treating his father and I like garbage, to which we have come to blows with him lately over.
I just pray eventually he comes back to us. Of course when he needs something it’s all mama can you help me, I love you. When he is just status quo it’s basically “I hate you leave me alone”
Good times.
You are so right. Thank you for saying this.
If Clemson were the same price or close as the other school, I have no doubt she would go to Clemson. She wouldn’t want to disappoint him by not going there.
But I honestly don’t know that Clemson is a better fit for her than the other school. (This is not something that is rationally listened to.)
I am so sorry you are going through this. I could have written most of this post myself because it reflects alot of what is going on over here. Thief of joy and general grump over here as well. Makes me sad. Yearn for the days when my son would be sad and cry and run to be in my arms for comfort. Now he bristles a bit when we try to comfort. I know this is part of the normal separation and that his anger really is a manifestation of anxiety and sadness, but it is so hard. Hang in there, you are not alone.
It is really hard. I am sorry you are also having a tough time. I think it can be hard for them to problem solve or have perspective in the midst of all of this. I hope the admitted students days are clarifying for you all.
This is what’s pushing me towards the more expensive school, even though, weirdly, I think the less expensive school is better fit and better program. The one thing I didn’t have at college was excitement about being there. I never, not once, was all Woo Hoo! I love my school!
Don’t get me wrong, it was a great school. Strong program and I made good friends. But I 100% picked it because of cost. I couldn’t justify the extra cost of the other schools I got into - even though - they would’ve been within my family’s affordable range. It just didn’t make sense to me to spend the money.
And, getting back to someone, maybe @goldbug? said, I’m looking a little at the dream that I didn’t get, and that I want for my child. My older boy (S22) was so much like me with the process - very methodical, all spread sheets and data points and metrics and ultimately decided based on his decision matrix. My younger boy (S25) represents a little bit what I sometimes wish I could’ve done - he’s all emotion. He’s fallen in love with a school and has All The Feels and excitement and joy. And I want that for him. I wish I had had that. So that’s the “give them more than i had” aspect that I keep circling back to. I want him to have the joy that I didn’t have.
Because I can’t turn off my data driven logical brain piece that’s what, I think, is causing me trouble. I want two opposed things - (1) him to pick what brings him clearly more joy and (2) him to pick the program that data says is a better fit. But I can’t have both.
Anyhoo, enough blathering, I’m all over the place. Lots of interesting things to think about this morning.
All of these posts about wanting to give our kids what we didn’t get really resonate with me. I was a first-gen kid and my parents couldn’t give me any advice or help. Now, I probably (certainly!) lean towards advising S25 more than he wants. And good luck everyone on Ivy Day! S25 has some apps still out, but no clue on his odds.
I had two brothers go to college and then subsequently fail out of college. Two that never went at all. All four went to various trade schools. I was the first person on both sides of my family to ever graduate.
My mother was an employee at my college and as such I got free tuition therefore my decision was simply “guess where you are going because it’s free”? Otherwise my parents couldn’t afford it and it never made sense to saddle with debt when you know, free. They did pay for me to live on campus though despite only living 2 miles away due to that and I also got a 1,000 scholarship too so that helped pay for that. I also worked througout.
My kids have an ENTIRELY different experience. I can somewhat justify like Georgia Tech over UMD but when we get into Carnegie Mellon money it’s like is it realllllyyyyy worth double?
Admitted students day visit went well I am told. D25 is feeling confident in her choice and has no regrets. Best for her was that her dad was able to see the campus for the first time and told her it was a really good fit for her.
I love hearing this! If I remember correctly you (or she?) were nervous about this. I’m so happy it went well, that’s she’s feeling good about the visit, and that she’s happy with her dad’s reaction.
@DW98 and @tjd0829 This is sort of what D25 is going through. She was totally happy with her top choice. But then she got waitlisted at a bunch of places, mind you most of them she didn’t even care about. But her good friend applied to almost all the same places and got in. A third friend got rejected. But all my D25 can see is that she was not good enough for the places she was waitlisted. And even though she was excited about her school before, she’s now second guessing. I just hope she starts getting excited again because this college was her top choice almost the whole time with the exception of a reachy reach (rejected) and a low reach where she was waitlisted.
It’s been quite a few months - rejection after rejection this past week after all EA rejections in Jan. Then, one of his top choices (a major reach) this weekend came in as a rejection BUT a guaranteed transfer sophomore year and a pathway to do first year abroad instead of at another college if he wants. While he was all ‘it’s fine, everything is fine. I wasn’t expecting to get in…yadda yadda …’ and after 5 rejections in a row, we could see his spark get dimmer and dimmer. And now, to see his smile come back and to see that somebody saw something in him and wants him (even if it’s 2nd yr) has made this mommas heart happy. There’s a new pep in his step this week. He may still end up at one of the two safeties he got accepted to but this option has made all the difference. Very happy to almost be done with this process. Now on to making a decision. Hugs to all.
Wow, it is heartbreaking so read some of these situations for both the students and the parents. My heart goes out to all of you, with thoughts of comfort and strength to get through these tough times.
I appreciate you trusting this board with your pain, and I’m so, so sorry that you are having to go through this pain. Virtual hugs to you all. (((())))
Yes. Been divorced since she was 3 and while she had done college visits for her brother with her dad, she had not done any visits with just her dad for herself. And dad was implying I was pushing her to choose this college so I don’t think he was super supportive of her choice. Now that he has been there, he realizes it really is her making the decision and we can all collectively move to the excitement phase I hope without the behind the scenes coparenting drama of mistrust.
A lot of the dealines aren’t until April so there should still be plenty she could apply to.
I will need to NOT take any vacations for the next 4 years, or do any home improvements, or get that hot tub that I’ve been wanting. But it’s okay, I’m choosing to make sacrifices of the things “I want”. After all they are nice to have and in my mind a college degree is a must have.
Oh and pray I don’t loose my job 
Then things will be completely different and we’ll need a plan B.
Just stopped by here because I remember this time like it was yesterday! You and your kids will get through this and even laugh a bit later. My kid went down to May 1 at 10pm to decide where they were going. Had it down to 3 very different schools one with a full tuition ride. They did not choose the free ride and felt very guilty about it. However, now in their Sophomore year at the school they picked it has turned out to be an amazing match and they are thriving. Advice for outside scholarships make sure you look closely at your aid package outside scholarships will decrease your NEED based aid from a school not augment it. They can be used with merit aid. Also every one counts and you can stack them but remember you will need to reapply and many of them are just for freshman year.
One of the things I console myself with is if I lose my job then maybe we’ll get some financial aid.
But ultimately, we decided the same thing. In our case, the on paper best school (except for price) was also the school my son fell in love with based on feel and vibes. I do still feel weird about it though.
This is a very good point! Yeah, I’m of the frame of mind at this point that we’ll figure it out. When I win the HGTV dream home this year… I’ll move to SC and we’ll be all set 