Parents of the HS Class of 2025 (Part 2)

[OctoberKate]

I’m feeling uncomfortable with the grade stuff for S25.

Backstory - at S22’s school, you can easily give access to both finances and grades. But access to grades doesn’t mean anything that happens during the term - it’s just the final grades for the term, and past final grades, and what classes are registered for the next terms. I didn’t particularly want or need that information, S22 has always been super responsible and a bit of a perfectionist. He’s never turned an assignment in late as far as I can tell, and has never needed nudging to get things done. I asked for the financial access, and he decided to give me the academic access, so we could work on schedule planning together. But even if I had wanted to check on status mid-term, I couldn’t, because they don’t post any sort of incremental information, only final grades.

S25 is a different story. He has always procrastinated, he turns in more assignments late than not, he struggles to keep track of due dates. I am very worried for how he’s going to do in college because of these challenges. As far as I can tell, his school has no ability to give parents any academic access, only financial. I don’t know if I would ask for it if academic access were available - I’ve spent so much time and energy helping him to stay on track. He needs to figure this out and he has all the structural supports and knowledge to do it. Frankly, I’m tired of being his scaffold and I’m hoping that, when he has to own it, he does it. BUT. If his grades drop below a 3.0 he loses his scholarship. It’s $10k a year. If he loses his scholarship, it makes this school go above the threshhold we said we’d be willing to pay for. So he’s got a lot on the line and I’m not certain he really has a grasp on the gravity. I’m hoping that if first semester grades are too low they either have a first year scholarship grace period, or they let him just lose the second half for the first year (it’s $5k/semester) and possibly reclaim it for sophomore year with improvement in Spring grades. We’ll see. But I’m very nervous.

[Cardamom1023]

It’s tricky, this juncture of parenthood, isn’t it!?!

[2plustrio]

I dont encase the school provided mattress. It gets wiped down and then I put the mattress pad and mattress topper over it. I travel and sleep on hotel mattresses.

As for FERPA access, I only have them access it and show me financials and emails as needed. My kid crashed and burned second semester of his freshman year. I didn’t need access to his grades to know this. Even with access to his grades there was extra support given but nothing I could “fix” for him. My kid is not motivated to do better just because I tell him I know his grades and start harping on him for it.

[DW98]

@Kumihama-Cho

Honestly, my anxiety is so bad that it would be bad for my mental health as well as my relationship with him if I could check and obsess over grades.

This is where I am at. My son is an excellent student but occasionally stumbles. I checked way too much in high school, because I am just a checker. It wasn’t healthy for me or our relationship. At his June orientation there was very strong messaging that they are now adults and although they can give us access to financial portal, we should not be checking anything with their credentials. They said something like once they are on campus, this would be a violation of some policies they have in place. Interesting perspective and made a lot of sense to me. We drop off 2 weeks from tomorrow. It is getting very real. I have been just super excited for him, but now I am starting to panic a little thinking about logistics and how empty the house will feel. It reminds me of the last week or 2 of pregnancy when I would tell my husband, I am not ready. I knew this big change was coming, but no matter how much I prepared, it all was really uncharted territory.

[Cardamom1023]

I feel this 10000%. The occasional panic about the empty house, the loss of close contact, the end of this enormously rewarding era. 95% of the time I’m excited for him and my rational mind knows that humans are resilient, that we are wired to adjust. But I fear being a “sad mom” for ages (like my neighbor, who freely admits it) when their youngest leaves. I threw myself 100% into parenthood and I have left it “all on the field” … it is time for this change, for all of us, but the fear of the magnitude and the unknown is anxiety inducing. You are not alone!

[DW98]

I hear you. I think it will feel like missing a limb. He is my only. Parenthood is a wild ride. We got this!

[twin23]

Old mom here- I felt like this but a couple of things gave me pause. One, the anxiety piece for me like the other poster mentioned. Two, and this is the bigger one - at one kid’s school, I would have to be logged in as my kid to see interim grades and his sharing passwords with me for that purpose constitutes an honor code violation (password sharing is against their tech code of conduct). Three - and this is the one where I am really honest, they use authentication apps for their websites which means my son would get a code and know I was trying to log in.

So, what we decided was that I would check in once a month about grades - it gave us a really good chance to talk about what was working and what wasn’t. He now, more than ever, sees me as a sounding board and safe space for advice. It’s a whole new level for our relationship and I love it.

They grow up SO MUCH at school - feels like it flies. Good luck to all of you!

[2plustrio]

@DW98

At his June orientation there was very strong messaging that they are now adults and although they can give us access to financial portal, we should not be checking anything with their credentials. They said something like once they are on campus, this would be a violation of some policies they have in place.

I know I am casual here but I do truly teach college students (I code switch a ton, my adhd makes me a chameleon and it is my super power. I really can spell and write professionally, I just choose not to on social media type sites as I get so bored of it at work. )

What some parents don’t understand or don’t remember is that your kid allowing them to access their courses and such truly can be a violation of the privacy of other students. I happen to teach in a hybrid program and although I see my students in person, they do have coursework online. Some assignments are more open discussions and collaborative efforts between students and I know I would be weirded out by random parents looking at my kid’s work while using their child’s access info. Parents accessing assignments using their kids credentials opens it up to academic integrity violations as well not knowing who actually did the work. I don’t think a parents anxiety or lack of trust of their kid is worth the child potentially losing points on assignments or being dragged into the academic integrity office.

[DW98]

@2plustrio

I know I am casual here but I do truly teach college students (I code switch a ton, my adhd makes me a chameleon and it is my super power. I really can spell and write professionally, I just choose not to on social media type sites as I get so bored of it at work. )

I totally get this. I am so careful and detail-oriented in my professional life, but on social media and in texts, I type and send. I sometimes embarrass myself.

I absolutely agree with the issues of privacy. He has shown me some of the portal and there are things on there about other students, especially on the housing portal. Definitely not for my eyes. I was glad that they were so explicit about this in the larger context of letting go and transition to adulthood.

[dfbdfb]

@Cardamom1023

I’m on the fence about asking for my son’s permission to retain access (officially) to his school portal. For now I only have parent access - I can see and pay bills but I won’t have access to grades.

Speaking as a professor: Please don’t.

Now, asking him regularly about grades and class attendance and such, yes.

But let your child develop independence. It will be most helpful long-term.

[Cardamom1023]

I think we were talking about official access, at least I was. My son’s school has a formal system whereby a parent can request access from their child, using their own (parent) credentials – to see grades. I can’t imagine it’s full access to assignments etc. Agree that would be weird. Just wanted to clarify that I don’t think anyone was talking about logging in using the student’s credentials. It’s a nuanced question and I get not everyone is going to view it through the same lens.

[dfbdfb]

Ah! When you said access to his school portal, I thought you meant everything.

Yeah, a filtered portal made for parents? That’s fine. Just be aware that the vast majority of classes you’ll only see midterm and final grades, and the midterm grades probably less than half the time.

[twin23]

Ah - Neither of my kids schools have an option for parents to see grades other than final semester grades (but both of my kids schools do have parents using their kids credentials to see everything), so I didn’t understand what you were referring to.

[Pandamom2]

S25 checked the box for me to be sent a link to set up a parent portal. I never got it. We had a question about what we owe (His scholarships haven’t posted to the bill and I need to know when the final bill will be ready, because I don’t want to pay more than we owe!) and when I called, I also asked about access. The school said just to use his login information. Umm, no. Send me a link so I can set up parental access.

[SpreadsheetMom]

I was also a hyper-involved mom with my D22 in high school, but I never had anything to worry about – she graduated at the top of her class and put ridiculous pressure on herself.

She opted not to give us any parent access to grades in college, which we all found a little funny – we joked that maybe it was because she was finally going to relax. That has not been the case – kid is still pushing herself because she wants to graduate summa cum laude.

Now, S25 is a totally different kid with various challenges. Still, I told him that his sister – at a different school – didn’t grant me access to see her grades, and he was like, “I can do that?!” LOL! He will also lose his scholarship if he drops below a 3.0, but it’s not enough to make a huge difference for us financially.

[OctoberKate]

@SpreadsheetMom

He will also lose his scholarship if he drops below a 3.0, but it’s not enough to make a huge difference for us financially.

I’m in this situation too, but struggling with the idea of it. Frankly, if S25 loses his scholarship, it makes his school cost almost EXACTLY what S22’s school costs. And clearly, we pay that for S22. In both cases, though, it’s about $4k over what we said the max dollar amount was that we were willing to spend. For S22, we agreed to go over, because the school was by far the best fit for him and we could all see the unique advantages that the specific school and program offered to him (not just the academic program which gave several unique benefits, but also the ability to compete in his sport at a high level). And for his part, S22 made clear that after his first year he’d move off campus for cheaper housing and cook his own food to save money and bring the cost under our bar. This plan would have worked, had the school not raised tuition every year (which is our bad, it just didn’t occur to us that it would go up 3%/year when we made the agreement with him.)

For S25, on the other hand, as we all here know he picked the school that we parents did not think was uniquely special or a clearly better fit. And ultimately we decided for S25 that we weren’t going to push on that or make him choose the less expensive school, largely because in making his choice he had followed the only parameters we provided, finding a school with the major and staying under cost. But what if he loses the scholarship? Then he’s above the threshold we set for a program that we don’t think is worth the extra expenditure.

On the one hand, I’d like to tell him he has to be on the hook for the overage beyond our threshold, as maybe that would motivate him to stay on top of classes and grades. On the other hand, how can I tell him he has to pay for something that I’m not making S22 pay for, simply because I don’t think the school is worth the cost? That (the second) feels like I’m yet again relitigating my preference for the school he didn’t choose, and we’re all ready to put that to bed. I don’t want to keep pointing out that this isn’t the school I think he should have chosen. But if he hadn’t gotten the scholarship in the first place, he knew that he wouldn’t have been permitted to choose this school.

I’m hoping that I never have to finish gaming out this painful circular logic because hopefully his grades will stay where they need to stay. We’ve made sure he knows that he loses the scholarship if his grades drop. I’m hoping just that knowledge in and of itself is enough to keep him focused on getting the work done.

I also struggle with the idea, generally, of “punishment” for poor grades. It feels harsh to punish someone by making them pay more for poor grades if it’s first semester of college and they are trying to adapt to a lot of life changes. But at the same time, that’s life, and I don’t want my kid to think they are a special pampered snow flake. But then thing three, sometimes things are just really hard, and try as you might, you can’t succeed as well as you want - if the kid is truly making an effort, and I can afford to cushion the challenges for them, why wouldn’t I do that? But then thing four, my kid has pretty serious ADHD, is it fair for me to say that they AREN’T putting forth the effort as best they can if the problem is turning stuff in (and not simply not understanding) - I’ve seen over the years how hard executive function things are for this guy, he may be doing his best, but still not managing to do what, to me, is the simple basic expectations of being a student. But then thing five, OMG, that is life, people won’t always be making exceptions for you just because you have extra challenges.

And so the circular frenzy of What Random @$$ Thing Can I Obsessively Worry About Today continues…

[Longview43]

This week’s special arrival in the mail to S25? Yet another flyer reminding him that his road to Vanderbilt begins in the summer of 2025 and that the common app opens 8/1! Gosh he better get on that!

In other news, kiddo wrapped up his summer job this week and now is on what I would call his farewell tour. What a social schedule for the next few days. He did agree that it might be a good idea to get some packing done before Wednesday night when I expect the car to be loaded and ready to go.

We do have a separate parent portal and S25 could choose what he wanted us to access. He obviously gave us access to bills (shocker!), but he surprised me and gave us access to his class schedule and grades (presumably only final grades) without our asking. I told him he didn’t need to do that, but he was totally nonplussed by the idea. I figure if he wants to change it, I’m sure he can and if he does, he has always been pretty open with us about his schoolwork. We’ll just have to see I guess? I am for sure nervous that he will go off the rails a bit, but like other kids, he has to keep his average up to retain his merit scholarship. Since we laid out the finances for him way back when, he fully understands what the ramifications are for his long-term goals if he loses that scholarship. Fingers crossed that he doesn’t need much reminding of that as the school year gets underway.

[sinkor_swim]

I am in the exact same boat as @OctoberKate with past academic worries and current scholarship, and I don’t want to have access to grades anymore. I need to be free, and S25 needs to feel the weight of sole responsibility.

[sinkor_swim]

@OctoberKate

my kid has pretty serious ADHD

Is he getting accommodations? My S25 does not want to have an assessment or a diagnosis (we all know he has some form of neurodivergence as we’ve talked about it several times)- he believes the types of accommodations won’t help him anyway and he prefers to not have a formal diagnosis for his own personal reasons.

[UTmeritseeker]

Dishware? - Are people sending a small set of dishes and utensils for the dorm? My DD plans to eat cereal for breakfast in her room many mornings, but we are trying to avoid setting it up like a mini-kitchen. Also, no sink in her room, so she would have to rinse/wash elsewhere.