Wow, these stories floor me!!! I’m so grateful our families abided by our wishes to be alone during the birth and at home afterwards (for the most part)!
We also requested no visitors during the first week we were home with our firstborn. I gave birth at a maternity center with midwives and left a few hours after the birth (wonderful experience, by the way!). Then we were alone for the first week. For us,it was absolutely the right decision. Then the parents and inlaws descended and planned the bris together (which gave them something to do while I cared for the baby. New mothers definitely need some space!
To this day, I remember being in my room nursing, and I could hear my mom’s voice in the corridor. I didn’t know it, but son’s father had been keeping my folks in the loop. My mom was such a help that week. Having had CA and an ectopic pregnancy, this child was a miracle (at least to me). I think she caught the first flight out, after baby born.
The next week, my dad and relatives drove the 6 hour trip in5 hours. My uncle said he had never seen my dad drive fast. All good memories.
I had an unusual / emergency situation, and all four parents (plus several siblings) were in a room in the hospital anxiously awaiting news (my H and my FIL were ob-gyns on staff at the hospital, so there was another layer of complexity since they knew, more so than anyone else, how serious the situation was) - but I will be grateful that they did afford us privacy.
I managed to offend my mother. We wanted privacy for the births of our children. She took it personally and I promise it wasn’t meant that way.
Then we managed to add insult to injury with the birth of our second child. We called to let my mother know that we were heading to the hospital and would give her a call later in the day. My family lived about two hours away and this was in the days before cell phones. Anyway, my husband left the hospital a few hours after the birth. He wanted to place his long distance calls from home. (His family lived across country.) He let the lady babysitting our 1 year old know that he was on his way. My mother called our house before he got there which was unfortunate timing as the hospital was only 15 minutes away. The babysitter told her my husband was on his way home and we’d had a boy. First person he called was my mother (not his family) and she expressed great displeasure that she’s been informed of the birth by the “maid.” We had let “the maid” know first. Mother nursed her displeasure for a long time.
I solemnly swear I will remember that my place is in the support arena and not take offense unless slights are clearly and intentionally offered.
Really? That seems cruel to me. I guess it depends on the relationship and the people in question. My parents didn’t have to actually stay with us, since they had a house nearby, that would make a difference.
I had a friend whose widowed FIL invited himself to come and stay with them for a week immediately after the birth of her second child. Like the day she expected to get home from the hospital. This was a man who never lifted a finger, and expected to be waited on hand and foot. To make matters worse, he expected to stay in HER bedroom, displacing her to another, because it was the one with an attached bath! She thought about all of this and asked him to postpone his visit, which caused huge friction with her SIL, who thought that she was being terribly mean to an old man. He was an unpleasant old SOB. B-)
It doesn’t seem cruel to me. It was a real challenge to get ourselves, the house, and the baby presentable enough for visitors during that first week – and our visitors only stayed for an hour or two. I don’t think we managed to even serve our parents or other visiting family members a drink of water, let alone treat them properly as guests. I can’t even imagine having to cope with houseguests during that time.
Because this is such an emotional time for the new parents, they will have vivid and long lasting memories of whatever it is you do. If you give them space and are helpful and undemanding when you do see them, they will remember. If you do one thing to annoy or antagonize them, they will remember. That’s just how it is. Your relationship from that day forward will be heavily influenced by how you behave on the day of the birth.
My mom was a dream. I had no idea what to expect, but my first child was her 4th grandchild, so she knew. She came to town the day I got home from the hospital, and took care of me and the house while I took care of the baby. Everyone should be so pampered for a week of their lives.
^^^^ “Everyone should be so pampered for a week of their lives”
This works for you - so that is so nice that you had it and enjoyed it! Having someone - even my mom - come in my house for a week would be torture for me! Nothing against my mom - I’m just a private person who would have been even more distraught if I could not have my usual tasks blended into taking care of baby. It was all part of the dance of being a mom for me.
And that is what this thread shows. From the hospital to home, we all have preferences as to who, what, when - when it comes to new baby - but that most of all, it is important to respect the decisions of the new parents when it comes to deciding what happens when.
It is so interesting to hear everyone’s different feelings. We couldn’t wait for our families to see the new additions. I think S and DIL felt the same way.
We lived 600 miles away and all throughout her pregnancy, DIL kept asking, “You are going to be able to come, right?” DIL’s parents are deceased and her extended family is on the other coast. I think she really wanted a feeling of family around. I went up a few days early and stayed near them, but not with them. I moved to their place when they went to the hospital and took care of their pets, and had their favorite meal for them when they came home. I stayed (yes, I was invited) for a few days and did all the cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, dog walking and cooking. They took care of the baby except for one night when they were zombie-like and I took the night feedings with milk DIL had pumped. Family visited that weekend. The baby was jaundiced and had to be readmitted. They stayed at the hospital with her and I ran all the errands (getting them clean clothes, food runs) and took care of their pets. I stayed one more night after they returned from the hospital, round two. It was their anniversary and they did agree to run out to their favorite restaurant for a quick celebration and I got to babysit!
I think we did ok since a few months later, they relocated to be closer. 
They even lived with us for several months to save money during their house hunt.
There’s no right or wrong. Every family needs to do what feels right for them.
Oh, yes.
A few weeks after my second child was born, my mother asked if she could visit for half a day on her way to somewhere else, and we said yes. I was not yet organized enough to cook a company-quality meal, so my husband picked up some Chinese takeout for dinner. And because both the 3-year-old and the baby were demanding my attention at the end of the meal, he put away the leftovers and loaded the dishwasher.
After he left the room, my mother tore strips out of me for “allowing” my husband to do “women’s work.” You had better believe that I never forgot that.
Obviously our own families govern whether we want them around, but I’ve never heard of professional advice to stay closed up at home to “bond” for a week or more. I WANTED my family around when my first was born, and the whole family-mom, dad, siblings, their spouses and the one other grandchild were at my house the day we went home. With my second, there were 4 other cousins plus my MIL from out of town (and she was a great help to me). We all went out to dinner that night.My last one was born after my parents and my current H’s parents had all passed away, and my extended family was on the other side of the country, so it was just H, I and the kids at home. It seemed so sad and quiet. But I’m sure some of you think of those other homecomings I had as the 7th level of hell.
In the end, we do what works for us, just as with any aspect of child rearing. But I will say that I bonded just fine with all of my kids, no matter who was in my house.
Everyone’s different. After the intense pain from sitting in the car on the way home from the hospital, the last thing I would have wanted to do that evening was to be forced to assume a sitting position again in a restaurant. And I’m not the sort who could easily say to a waiter, “Sorry, but I really need to eat my dinner standing up because of my episiotomy and hemorrhoids.”
Boy, does that “emotional time” statement bring back memories! My in-laws were the sweetest, most supportive couple ever created (I was lucky). We lived 400 miles apart and they happily flew in to visit when baby #1 was about 2 weeks old, stayed at a hotel and called before coming over to our (small) condominium.
Despite all this here’s my most vivid memory: Grandma carefully and lovingly taking baby from my arms and asking me if I would like to go have a nap. They would love to hold baby, chat with new-dad Hubby and give me a chance to rest. Sounds lovely, right? Well, I went into my bedroom and cried because Grandma had MY baby and I was banished to my bedroom. I knew intellectually that the postpartum hormones were absolutely working overtime, but it didn’t help me to accept and appreciate the situation.
My parents and my husbands were all very local, but were the kind of people who would stay away to give is space, which was nice, but having all of my babies was hungry work and the thing I remember most vividly was that my husband got to go to either set of parents’ house and be fed, while I starved at the hospital. I wish someone would have been pushy with takeout or Tupperware in their bags.
My DH had to work so my Dad came over every day the first few weeks, it was lovely, Dad adored babies and I will never forget his visits and how kind her was.
FIL asked to be present at the birth of D1, since he is a perv it was not a beautiful sentiment, even if he sincerely meant it in the way most of us would. We did not contact them until after the baby was born, whereas my folks took care of the animals when we went to the hospital.
I agree with
Weddings, births, etc. there are times when your actions are linked to significant events and those actions will not be forgotten, ever.
I’m surprised that this wasn’t agreed upon beforehand.
Did I miss it? Has OP come back?
No OP yet so that baby must be here!
It was a strange and melancholy time when I had my first. They were twins and came 6 weeks early. I was grateful for the help that came from my Mom and later my MIL but I found it hard to find my own voice at first. I was used to them being the authorities. It would have been nice to have a few days alone first but when you have one still in the hospital it just wouldn’t have worked out.
OTOH, I have friends who also had premature twins, only they were a bit older. Because they were worried about their boys’ health, they didn’t allow any visitors for the first month or so at home! Only immediate family was allowed to visit in the hospital and had to scrub in. I was amazed at how determined they were. The babies turned out fine.
I definitely wanted people to come and see the baby as soon as they could when it was born. Not everybody but those close like the grandparents and our siblings. I let them know when would be good and who would be welcome. Everybody was quite happy to oblige.
My first son to have a baby texted us when on their way to the hospital. He had let us know what their wishes were and kept us informed. We arrived to the hospital when she was in active labor and he was SO thrilled to walk into the waiting room and inform both sets of grandparents and all the siblings about the birth. Then they asked us to wait a little until she was all cleaned up and rested and then come visit the baby. I was happy to do whatever they wanted. We then would either wait until they called to invite us over in those first few weeks, or call ahead to see if we could bring something or help. He was very good at telling us what they needed and when.
For their second child, they again texted when they went to the hospital and said that when it was closer they wanted us to bring the older brother to the hospital so they new family could bond together for a few minutes and then others could come in. It turned into an emerency c-section so he had texted everybody but us and older brother to not come to the hospital. My son then came, got older brother (who was only 2) and took him to see his mom and then asked us to take him home and wait until the next day to come see the new baby. We again were glad to do whatever they wanted.
Younger son lived further away and asked us to give them a few days and then come visit. They had wanted a little time to be alone together. My brother, however, happened to be arriving in that same city on that day and when they found out they called him and asked him to come because they figured out that they wanted family around after all.
From all these stories it sure seems like everybody is different. The important part is for the couple to express their wishes and others to abide by them and not be hurt.
I think there is a huge difference between family members who live close and can drop by for an hour, and those who live far away and come to stay for a week! Having houseguests for two weeks after giving birth was horrendous. I will NEVER do that to my sons and their wives.