This has been on my mind a lot. Since it’s just my BIL and his family, I know I’m going to get push back from my DH. I will not host and I’m not going if they do. Just because they are family does not mean they, nor their kids, or the kids girlfriends don’t have it. And being in a house altogether is too risky for me. Same with xmas.
I see arguments in the near future with DH, but that’s oka.y. It’s just a sucky year altogether.
@PrdMomto1 said “Families are just complicated right now…”
So very true.
Just today, I was saying “thank goodness we’re retired and our parents are gone and we have no grandchildren and our son is single and we each have only one sibling whom we seldom see…” So no problems 
.
We usually have 15+ people together for few days around xmas time. Last year we rented 2 houses out in the Hamptons. This year my sister’s family said they are staying put and another brother said he doesn’t want to travel either. My other brother has kids in NYC and they also have an apartment in NYC, so he wants to do something together. I gently reminded him that we wouldn’t be able to eat together with 10+ people indoor. We may do a Zoom xmas eve with secret santa gifts sent to everyone ahead of the Zoom.
Last night I had a talk with D1&D2 about xmas. We agreed to rent a house outside of NYC for a week. We would bring my mother with us. To be safe, we are going to get tested few days before we get together and will try to be extra careful 2 weeks prior. I am lucky that both of my kids and my mother all live within driving distance of me. The only thing is D1 will be close to 8 months pregnant by then, so we’ll want to stay within 2 hours of NYC.
We are still trying to figure out what to do for Thanksgiving.
We will not be able to plan TG until much closer to. DS16’s University has announced that spring 2020 grads will have an in person ceremony the weekend before TG (5hour drive north) and DD20’s university—if she gets to move on campus end of September—is only taking TG day and Friday with no classes. Original plan was to go to her (8 hour drive south) but that was before DS’s graduation ceremony was announced. All or none could take place. Regardless, we will not be hosting or going to my parents’ because they are not being careful.
Christmas has not even been considered beyond a vague planning of getting DD20 home from campus between 12/19 and 12/23 depending upon when she has in-person vs on-line exams. Those dates were to be announced on first day of classes but no info yet.
I have been hosting 20+ members of my husband’s side of the family for all major holidays for 14 years with minimal contributions from any of them. Many years some individuals would “eat and run” on Thanksgiving so that they could shop, though that has not happened in the last couple of years and definitely will not happen this year.
We did not spend Easter together this year and I do not see us spending Thanksgiving or even Christmas together. I am actually looking forward to a break.
We are taking things one at a time.
–First my D’s August wedding was turned from 200 people into a micro-wedding of 9 (hopefully with a large party to follow next year – fingers crossed).
–Second my mother’s 85th bday party (this weekend) for 40 or so people never made it past the very initial planning phase. Instead H and I will take her out to dinner outside at a restaurant near her that she likes and trusts (at 4PM “so it won’t be crowded”)
–Getting together for the Jewish holidays does not seem to be happening this year.
–We have hosted Thanksgiving for the last decade or so for a group of 10-12 of my close family members. I’m guessing that it will just be immediate family this year but nobody has discussed it yet.
–We have hosted Christmas for the last 20+ years for my husband’s family. Also not yet discussed but I’m thinking it will be immediate family only for this year. (I’d be kinda happy about this one …don’t tell my H… LOL).
My mom hosts Thanksgiving with 20 plus people each year. If she insists on doing it this year I will tell her we are not going to be there. Even if we could all be outside (they live in Southern California) sharing food with that many people from different households is not a good idea. At this point I think Thanksgiving will just be H, D2, D1, D1’s bf and me.
My family has rotated among the sisters’ houses for the past gazillion years and this year we would be in Ithaca, I think. Further, with two sons married this year (and rotating holidays yearly) the plan was for them to both be with their in-laws for Thanksgiving, so only H, D, and I would have travelled. With Covid, who knows. I suspect we will each celebrate at our own homes rather than travel and it will feel so odd. We have some quirky family Thanksgiving traditions without which the holiday will feel somewhat less than, but it is what it is. I would also have hosted my sons’ in-laws for some of the Jewish holidays and that’s not happening either. Our synagogue is having virtual services, the kids (who we have seen throughout this) will come to us and we’ll welcome the new year as a family. Sure hoping it’s better than the last one.
I thought I’d bump this up
Yesterday my husband’s college roommate showed up unannounced. He deleted my husband’s phone number by accident and so couldn’t call.
My husband wasn’t home but his friend and I were making small talk as we hadn’t talked to him since right before the beginning of SAH
I say we’ve been very careful with social distancing (he knows my husband has an autoimmune disease). He says as does everyone I talk to, yes we’ve been very careful also.
His wife takes care of the grandchildren, the oldest is in kindergarten and he takes the other to preschool. His daughter in law is a teacher, his daughter works at the hospital.
No they haven’t traveled except for trips to his brothers cabin with the grands. Oh yea, the camping trip with friends. And the trip up to the UP right after things opened up there because they were so tired of being cooped up.
I know people think they are being careful but how I worry about the pressure that is going to come from family members with the winter holidays
Adding to my comments lol!
This is the thing. Trying to tell people that you are being very careful, they say of course we are all being careful! But they aren’t. It’s like death from a thousand paper cuts.
I assume there will be great pressure to get together with family. They are family after all and of course they are careful! And they seem so offended when you beg off. That you are questioning their personal habits.
For instance, my husband turns 60 next week. We have a doctors appointment in my mil’s hometown that week so she wants to see us and celebrate his birthday. Then she asks if she can invite her other son and his wife. I don’t say no outright but I tell her that I see them entertaining different people nearly every weekend and I know they are going out to dinner inside restaurants. She forgets what I said and then says what time should I invite them?
I ask my husband and he says, it will be fine. He is very adverse to conflict. It’s so much easier to avoid things! And that’s what we usually do.
I know that it’s easy to say just say no! But it’s not that easy for us.
@deb922 you are so right that
I don’t expect everyone to give me a report as to their activity of the last two weeks but really we have no way of knowing the people contact branches that extend from the trunk of their being!!!
My mom has been hinting the last couple of visits that “boy we haven’t all gotten together in so long”. My brother and his family live in her town and I/my family has not seen them since COVID. Love them so much but we see differently in LOTS of different things - and I know my brother has been on fishing trips with buddies, my sister in law is fully back to attending many church functions and meetings and groups…
I think my mom is starting to see COVID as “over”. I went to see her this weekend and planned to have dinner with her at her house. She casually mentioned as we were sitting and talking “oh, I invited brother and sis in law to come for dinner too”. WHAT. Omg she threw me for a loop - I did not know what to say! I think she sensed my uncomfortableness - later she said “I suppose I should have asked if that was ok, but oh well, I didn’t”. Yes Mom, “oh well”! They came, I was uncomfortable, I encouraged eating outside which mom didn’t want to do - sis in law was nice enough to know that I might be unsure and she moved the place settings so I was farthest from her and my brother.
I was MAD at my mom! But it was only going to make an 87 year old person feel even worse about herself and I just shut my mouth.
I DREAD the holiday discussion.
@deb922 also WHO in the time of COVID arrives unannounced!?!!! I’m so sorry!
FIL is pushing about xmas. Wants us all to fly to FL. I haven’t even had memorial services for my parents yet. I have very little time off around the holidays because it’s so busy in the office. Basically a four day weekend and that’s it. We’re hoping to just go see him when we drive down to clear out my parents’ condo (maybe early November???) and call that early TG/Xmas. I know he’s going to be pissed but I just don’t see safely getting on a plane at holiday time and we don’t have enough days off to drive.
Everyone says they are being careful, but that doesn’t mean they are staying home 24/7. I have friends who traveled internationally in March when we all knew about the virus, but wanted to go on their trips so they did. Both were sick when they went, one even going to the doctor to try and get a covid test, and the doc said “Go, have fun. You don’t have the flu, but I can’t say why you are sick.” Now they lecture others about being super safe.
Another friend swears she never goes anywhere except the grocery store (which I think is a germ factory) but then posts on FB about a weekend at a B&B, shopping in the tourist town, eating at several restaurants over the weekend. But she’s very careful.
BTW, I’m okay with all of this, but don’t pretend to be super safe when you are going out all the time. My sister and her kids are hyper about masks and having people over, but they’ve all traveled, attended parties, go places like pilates. They can justify almost everything. Except coming to Thanksgiving with my mother who has cancer - they are going on a vacation!
It seems like many of us are hearing from the older folks in our families they want get togethers. They are the most vulnerable for Covid. As my dad has said - he’s at the end of his life and he’s not just going to sit alone in his condo. I think about how I will feel when I’m his age and possibly alone. It’s tough to figure this all out.
No solutions here from me. Just venting and grateful others feel the same way
We definitely have different standards than S1 and his family for “being careful”. My grandkids are in daycare - I have no idea what standards for testing exist there and how careful the teachers are in their off hours.
They have socialized with DIL’s large immediate family and with friends, altho they claim it’s been outdoors and people are wearing masks. Well, photos of those gatherings show not everyone’s wearing a mask, nor maintaining social distancing.
They’ve only done take-out or dining outdoors. DH and I will only do take-out.
We just don’t feel comfortable visiting them and staying in their home (we live 7 hours away).
Thanksgiving is usually H & I and either or both of our adult kids (early 20s).
This year, our oldest says she is flying in to spend a week or so with us. She is WFH so she won’t be tied to flying in & out on the usual busiest days.
Xmas Eve is usually hosting a slew of people from H’s side of the family with singing & dancing, etc. We’ve discussed it, and have given everyone the heads up that the festivities this year will likely be cancelled.
I’m not much into the holidays or celebrations in general, so cancelling would not upset me.
Our parents are no longer on this earth, and my family is very small with my siblings doing their own thing.
H’s family might object to us cancelling on them. We shall see.
I think the idea of doing the holidays at not exactly the holiday time is a good one. Like a combined Thanksgiving/Christmas Dec. 10 or something with limited people. Avoid the sure to be heightened airport crowds and still get the memory.
Or have smaller visits for older parents. We are so tied to traditions sometimes that we can’t or refuse to see anything different.
People literally do have to live their lives. I would not tell my son he can’t or shouldn’t see his wife’s family. People do have to go to work and be around others - not everyone can work from home. People need to or should visit the doctor. I respect people that are trying to build safe pods for their family/younger children.
We can have nice things. But we might have to change the way we have it or who we have it with. And whether or not we want to admit it, this is probably the case until a reputable vaccine is out and (then) when a majority of the population gets it.
I don’t have any difficulty saying no. It just bothers the bejeepers out of me that my mother keeps pushing. We’re dying to be with our son at some point, but there will be no Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, or travel of any kind for us this year. Nothing more to plan or discuss. Family can carry on however they like — without us.