My MIL’s 90th birthday is on Saturday. She is in good health, very active, etc… but did have a health scare (ulcer) a couple months ago. Last year for FIL’s 90th we had the entire family over (20 people). My husband is the one who does not understand why that is NOT a good idea this year. We are having them over for an outside brunch with just our local kids/granddaughter. MIL has not been out of the house for quite a while and wants to come over. I explained 1000 times to my husband why it isn’t a good idea to invite his brother, niece, grand-nephews, etc… and he says he understands and then I walk in the room and he is on the phone with his brother inviting him over. Ugh. I think it will just be the brother (SIL has a lot of medical issues) and no niece and her family.
I totally agree on the “we are being careful” standard being a slippery slope. Most everyone has something about which they are intensely careful and focused and then something else they see as no big deal.
I found it amusing, in March, we had arrived in a far away town the day before things hit, so the grocery stores were stripped before I could shop. I had to go out every day for a week to try to get basics. I was masked and gloved and wiped down my stuff, but I had 4 people who gave me a hard time for going out so much. It did not take long for all 4 of those people to be a bit, um, “over it” and relaxing their standards, some more than others. Whereas, I feel like I am about as careful now as I was then. We had our family meeting, we elected in April to expand our bubble to include the adult kids, one family at a time, one month at a time. All the kids have at least one person who works out in the world. So that is our only people we see, our adult kids and their kids. Sometimes they get tests before they come.
This. If I don’t live with you, you aren’t crossing my threshold (and vice versa) because I have no way of counting the number of vectors in your definition of “safe.” See you after tested/safe/widely-available vaccine/herd immunity.
I will add that I think it’s very, very important - if you mean it - to tell your loved ones how sad/disappointed you are to not be able to get together. A genuine regret goes a long way to understanding…for most people.
I agree @abasket . I think that’s what has made me sad through a lot of this pandemic. Some of my relatives haven’t expressed any disappointment that all our normal visits/trips etc have not been able to happen. It’s almost like “oh, so what! We haven’t seen you for a year. Oh well.” I know they don’t mean that, but saying how disappointed they are would have been nice.
^my universal response:
We love you. We miss you. The first invitation post-pandemic goes to you.
I’m available for phone visits.
I am your twin, @ChoatieMom. I have said no to many people and will continue to do so. Others can do what they want, but don’t think you can pressure me into doing what that may be. It’s not going to happen. And I resent the attempts at guilt or pleading; only makes me more solidified in my decision to keep our distance!
Pre-pandemic I was hostess with the mostest, Queen of holidays.
Thanksgiving was immediate family, extended family, long time friends and those without a place to go. I’ve already cancelled Thanksgiving. Christmas, too.
If our children, their partners, grandchildren want to come…anytime… we’ll welcome them with open arms, but so far they are very comfortable staying put where they are, and won’t travel unless necessary.
We decided against any socially distanced get-togethers, because while one or two are probably fine, how do you avoid hurt feelings if your social circle is rather large and you aren’t comfortable accepting every invitation? And it’s much easier to refuse visitors, if you have had none.
One of my brothers recently called with a road trip plan for this fall: he and wife were going to pick up their adult child in one state, his in-laws in a different state, and then come stay at our house for a nice visit while adult child took the car on to a friend’s wedding in yet another state. In his mind, this was a very safe proposal. We just all had to be careful when adult child returned from wedding.
When I told him no guests had been inside (or outside) our house since before March 1, and the only time I’d been off our property was for curbside pickups, and the gas station twice, he said, “okay, well we haven’t been living like that” which I knew because we talk at least twice a month.
I told him, of course, we would love to see all of them, but not till after the pandemic, when they’d be our first out of state guests and please be sure to tell the in-laws how much we are looking forward to their future visit.
eta
My only planned outing for the foreseeable future is voting in person. Still debating a flu shot.
I have never commented on the choices S1 and DIL have made regarding their comfort level with an expanded social group. I understand why they chose to send their kids back to daycare. But it is my choice whether I’m willing to expose myself directly or indirectly to all the people they’ve been exposed to. If we could all be tested, with quick results, before we visit, I’d be there tomorrow.
They just announced that the Macys Thanksgiving Day Parade will be a TV only event - not sure what they are actually doing.
Just discussed our options with one child. They mentioned we could each be extra cautious for about a week, and then take a covid test 3-4 days before the planned gathering, totally quarantining between test & results before getting together. Sounded ok, IF results will only take 3-4 days by then. I’m guessing a LOT of people will want tests near the holidays.
My two college kids are done for the semester at Thanksgiving. By that point I will have not seen them for 3-5 months and will have had enough events with my siblings for the year. I would love to just hunker in with just my own kids for the weekend. Maybe my parents too but not my siblings and their families. We usually all get together but maybe we can use covid as a reason to keep it small
It’s my turn to host Thanksgiving this year. I’m thinking about hosting a gathering in early October, when we may be able to be outside (there are about 16 of us with my nieces and nephews). We’re all local. I have a large enough deck to have tables and chairs spread out, and I’d be comfortable with that. It would be very weather-dependent, so we couldn’t confirm more than a week in advance and it may not be doable. I won’t host on Thanksgiving day since it would have to be indoors and I’m not ok with having more than a few people over inside my house. My daughter is in Vermont and will not be flying home until December. She is feeling very safe in Vermont and is really limiting her travel - other than coming home to see my Dad before he passed away earlier, December will be her first trip home this year. I’ve been getting a little pushback - “It’s only close family!” - but there is no family immunity!
We had two more of the “we are being careful” experiences. We have been doing a 20 mile or so bike ride every Saturday or Sunday. This Saturday, a grad school roommate of mine and his wife joined us for the ride. The wife wanted to change/extend our normal route and we suggested stopping at the new estate of some friends. The husband is in his 70s (and hence at some risk) and is a brilliant doctor/venture capitalist and the wife is a former nurse. As we are talking, she says, “We had a large party last week. It was a birthday part for my granddaughter. Her mother invited all of her HS friends and then my other daughter invited some of her friends and then all of a sudden, there were 35 people.” Now they have 10 acres and a large pool and numerous seating areas, but still.
The next day, we had friends (also a VC with his wife an ex-lawyer). Our get-togethers are always outdoors on the river seated at 8 feet apart. (We have a bathroom at one end of the house that is only for visitors with all kinds of cleaning supplies. We don’t even use it). The wife has been telling us how careful they’ve been. Then the husband says, “We’re living with a major risk.” Our adult son has been living with us. He goes out during the day. He has a girlfriend. We do not what he has done or who he has seen. So we have a choice. Live with the risk or tell our son to leave." What about this causes the wife to think they have been careful?
Who knew “careful” could have so many different meanings.
I’m starting to feel really guilty about not hosting some sort of Thanksgiving and Christmas. I told my brother the other day, and I think he was really surprised and disappointed. I suggested zoom.
Our version of careful is one person going out for milk and fruit/vegetables every ten days. I went hiking alone a few times in June and wasn’t near any people. Those are our only outings.
My brother works outside his home, so has risks I’m not willing to accept. My mom is high risk and lives here, so I’m not jeopardizing her.
I’m dreading telling my sister because although she’s high risk, I imagine she’s already been trying to figure out some way to make it happen.
Guilt! Please go away.
I am thinking that a lot of family (not immediate, perhaps, but extended) will promise they will take tests before getting together and then will admit that they weren’t able to get one (who knows how hard they will try), that everyone was all family, after all, etc. And this will happen after everyone is together. Or will someone be at the door making people produce their negative test results?
This is an opportunity to make things simpler. I’ve read of some wonderful small weddings on the wedding thread,. Don’t a lot of people think the wedding industrial complex was getting out of hand before covid-19?
This could be a chance to change things for the better going forward for holidays, also. Many unwillingly participated in the expected rituals of the holidays. I’ve read so many times that people wish they could just have a quiet holiday with their immediate family. This is that chance.
My sister-in-law told me that their sons have been “very careful.” I told my girls that and said maybe we could get together with them at some point. My kids said, “What are you talking about. We see them on instagram going out with people.”
I spoke with D1 last night and both of us are excited about having a small family get together. My mother will be with us, so the kids and their SOs will all get tested 3 days prior. Last night I also told D1 that it would be ok with me if they want to celebrate Thanksgiving with their dad and his wife. I would spend it with my mother. I think D1 was relieved. It will be a quiet Thanksgiving.
I am hoping more rapid tests will become available soon.
Having talked with people from across the country over the past several months (and a few from Europe as well), it is clear that different people have different views of being careful. Much variation based on where you live. If your area got punched in the mouth, you likely will have a more strict view of being careful. If not, likely less so.
I know people who have literally not left their house since March. No visitors. To them, someone who goes to the grocery store once a week may not be being careful.
Others I know have gone to work every day the entire time. Many interacting with the public all day long. To someone who hasn’t left their house or worked from home the entire time, someone else going to work every day interacting with the public 8-10 hours a day may not be being careful.
Likely makes sense to have a conversation with people you plan to see over the holidays in terms of making sure you are on the same page from a “being careful” point of view.
I have started emailing people who I am going to see (outdoors, masked) with my personal rules (I won’t go inside a house unless it has been empty for more than three hours, including bathroom) and I would like anyone I have contact to have a mask on. People are really nice about it.
I am still basically on lockdown but in the good weather, have seen a few people outside. I can already see what a slippery slope it is, and how tempting it can be to start sliding, so I just want to get my boundaries clear and communicated from the start.
For holidays, I think that folks with an extra bedroom and bathroom can have kids return and isolate for 5 days, then test, then move around freely.
My problem is that I live in a small space, and so do my kids, so we cannot figure out a way to see each other. Especially after flying. I am considering renting an airbnb for 7-8 days where my daughter lives, taking walks with her, getting tested on the 5th day, and then staying in her studio.
My other two have roommates so visiting them is out. I could get them hotel rooms for a week here where I am and then test, and then they could sleep on the couch.
Once it gets cold, I don’t see how any of us are going to see my mother in assisted living. Maybe then can still do window visits. We cannot hand her gifts directly. Packages go on a table outside and the facility sanitizes them.
I’m pretty sure holidays will be on Zoom!
I read some of these comments about people making plans to see others - hours to wait, days to wait, tests to take. What a mess we have. 