Pregnant college-bound senior

Parent Cafe
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<p>Yes, random, it makes sense. </p>

<p>I believe abortion is wrong. I’m not going to argue with other people about that because I know I won’t change your minds and I’m sure you won’t change mine. I agree wholeheartedly, that:

I find that mentality especially hard to understand when the pregnancy was the result of a loving relationship. </p>

<p>That’s probably not only because I’m pro-life but also because adoption is very common in my family and I know a lot of adoptees. It’s a very different story today than in the old days. Open adoptions are quite common and it’s possible to help choose the adoptive parents. This might be a good option in this case.</p>

<p>I have no proof of this, but I suspect that it’s more common to be upset by an abortion if you have been raised to believe it’s wrong. One of my closest friends had an abortion a long time before we became friends. It doesn’t bother her in the least.She still thinks all these years later that she did the right thing-- so yes, I know there are women who aren’t scarred at all by making the decision to abort.</p>

<p>But she had a close friend who got pregnant in college, had an abortion, and then had a complete mental breakdown. She eventually committed suicide. She simply couldn’t forgive herself.</p>

<p>I know several other people who regret having had abortions. One was a young woman I used to work with. I hadn’t seen her in a long time and ran into her on the street. A simple “What have you been doing since leaving [where we worked together]?” ended a few minutes later in a total meltdown. She’d had an abortion about a year and a half earlier. And, believe me, she was a mess. She really, really regretted what she had done. She blurted it out to me in part because we’d always got along well at work and in part because she knew I was pro-life. Most of her friends–she hadn’t told her parents–had urged her to have the abortion and she felt that she just couldn’t talk to them about how distraught she was about having done so because they just didn’t understand. </p>

<p>I do know a couple of cases in which the young woman kept their babies and finished college. I think it’s very hard to do. One case involved a young woman who attended cobrat’s high school. She lived at home for two years after her child was born and attended CUNY. When her child was a couple of years old, she transferred to a more prestigious out of state school. She finished and went on to law school. </p>

<p>A friend of my D’s got pregnant her first year in college. She had twins. She finished college, albeit on the six year plan. She and the father of her twins married when the twins were 2 or 3. </p>

<p>My heart goes out to you. I know how hard this must be for you. I think your D needs to talk to the boyfriend’s parents to find out how much they would be willing to help. I wouldn’t advise her to do this without letting boyfriend know about it. However, in figuring out what her options are, this is one piece of the puzzle she needs.</p>

<p>This is such a hard decision for you. You and your D will be in my prayers.</p>

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<p>LOL poetgrl. Spot on.</p>

<p>Time to hit the hay.</p>

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<p>Did she take the child with her to school?</p>

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<p>Re: the adoption option. FWIW, my anecdotal experience from 3 years work in the room adjacent to the very busy teen parenting program is that none of the kids went through with adoption, no matter what they said ahead of time. And, from informal conversations with the girls, not many of the fathers were involved by six months or a year after the child was born.</p>

<p>Our state’s statistics on educational outcomes for teen parents are dismal. As in, kids who’ve gone to youth detention (jail) have a better chance of completing college. </p>

<p>And, a lot of the grandparents who were so excited by the baby get tired by the time the baby is older, or the grandparents develop health conditions, or have financial problems. Not saying it can’t be done, but since you asked about experience, that seems to be an all too common experience. </p>

<p>And, I’m offended by the notion from some posters that pregnancy is your just desserts for having had the temerity to have had premarital sex. Kind of the same way I feel about cervical cancer as punishment for perceived promiscuity.</p>

<p>I’m sure this situation is one that is giving the OP a lot of heartburn. I do hope she can let her daughter make her own decision, and not try to push her in a predetermined direction.</p>

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<p>OP, just ignore whatever judgmental or nasty comments there are, and get support and help from the ones that speak to you. This has got to be so hard for you, and believe me, most of us here are rooting for you and your daughter. The issue, for us as pure observers, is to rely on our own experiences and opinions and try to apply it to you. Which is quite impossible, of course!</p>

<p>I personally know people who have made decisions with all three options. Some who carried the child to term, kept it, and struggled with their lives, never finishing college and getting little support. Another who went the adoption route, had a tough time with it, kept it from her family until it couldn’t be secret anymore, and has struggled with that decision ever since, though she is secretly proud of her choice. Several who have had abortions, and haven’t seemed to have a second thought about it. I suspect it is far easier now, with RU-486, does one even have to go and get an abortion anymore?</p>

<p>What a tough thing, with a highly motivated student, and a parent with such a conscience. I don’t know, but I echo what others have said, all you can do is support her decision and let her know that no matter what, how much she is loved.</p>

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<p>OP stated earlier that the couple used TWO methods of birth control.</p>

<p>Sex is a personal decision. It is no one’s place to judge a sexually mature person in a committed relationship for their choices so long as they are being safe. BC is 99+% effective when used correctly.</p>

<p>OP, my heart goes out to you. I am your daughter’s age and would like to point out that a HS senior, especially a smart college-bound one, knows the four options presented. If she has chosen the option she feels is best, I implore you to support her. I would suggest that you take her to Planned Parenthood or to her pediatrician for a private consultation. They will help her think this through and help her further understand the implications of each option. The statistics for those who keep pregnancies from childhood are truly chilling. I do know successful people who have chosen to keep the baby or to have an abortion - a close family member had a child at 17. She graduated college last year, in her mid-40s, and has worked below her potential for most of her adult life. A close friend of mine, now in college, had an abortion while in high school. She tells me she rarely thinks of it now. She had great support and counseling from our local Planned Parenthood. Please ignore the judgmental comments here, and make sure these kids do what is best for them. I think it great that you are willing to support them, you sound like a great mom.</p>

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<p>Wow. Never knew that. A very interesting statistic.</p>

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<p>Why are you offended? It’s the truth. This thread is a classic example of what happens when children have sex. If more children would actually think about the consequences before having sex, we would have less teen moms and teen dads.</p>

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<p>Was the OP there when her child was having sex? Of course the daughter is going to tell her mother they practiced safe sex.</p>

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<p>If my daughter came to me in the very early stages of pregnancy, I would encourage her to abort. In fact, we discussed this one time, and she said that’s exactly what she would do. Naturally, it would be her choice, but I just don’t know if she could go through an entire pregnancy only to have to give the baby up. I couldn’t.</p>

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<p>I don’t get the rush to accuse someone in pain of being a ■■■■■. People have lives and sometimes they aren’t ready to respond. I’ve seen this happen more than once when a parent was really in pain and didn’t post for a few hours and then when they come back they feel some need to defend their silence of a few hours. I don’t know how one figures out when people come online to this site, but it seems intrusive to be tracking a poster’s online presence. I just think that if there is a possibility that the person is genuine, it’s best to wait and see and keep the thread a safe place for them.</p>

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<p>Not everyone is like you. Some people fall in love. Some people are ready. Sex is natural, beautiful, and IMO in no way immoral as long as the participants are safe. I would also like to point out that plenty of teens have sex that does not result in a pregnancy. It’s like reading about someone who caught salmonella from eating spinach and saying “Well, I guess we should never eat spinach!” It’s ridiculous and judgmental. It is fine to hold a personal conviction. It is not fine to extend harsh judgement to others. </p>

<p>In reality, teen pregnancy rates go down when they are informed about birth control, not when abstinence is preached to them. </p>

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<p>This is unnecessary and rude. I fail to see how your judgmental statements are beneficial to anyone.</p>

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<p>You think a 17 year old knows what love is? Really?? I don’t think any CHILD is ready for sex and the consequences with sex. This story just shows why children should not be having sex.</p>

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<p>So? What’s your point? And there are many teens that are already mothers and fathers and parents who are in their 30’s who are already grandparents.</p>

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<p>Comparing eating spinach to children having sex? What a comparison!</p>

<p>lol Just realized I was responding to a 16 year old. No wonder why the comparisons are so silly. </p>

<p>alwaysleah: Just advice from a 25 year old: 9 times out of 10, you will regret having sex as a teen. I’ve talked with many people now in their 20’s and they wish they waited. And at 16, you don’t don’t know what love is. You may think you do, but you don’t.</p>

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<p>That couldn’t be any further from the truth.</p>

<p>Here’s some articles you may like to read:</p>

<p>[Abstinence</a> Programs Credited With Reducing Teen Birth Rates | LifeNews.com](<a href=“http://www.lifenews.com/2011/11/18/abstinence-programs-credited-with-reducing-teen-birth-rates/]Abstinence”>Abstinence Programs Credited With Reducing Teen Birth Rates - LifeNews.com)</p>

<p>[CULTURE</a> NEWS: Abstinence Ed. Yields Lowest Teen Birth Rate Ever](<a href=“http://culturecampaign.blogspot.com/2011/11/abstinence-ed-yields-lowest-teen-birth.html]CULTURE”>CULTURE NEWS: Abstinence Ed. Yields Lowest Teen Birth Rate Ever)</p>

<p>[Increased</a> Abstinence Causes a Large Drop in Teen Pregnancy](<a href=“http://www.heritage.org/research/reports/2003/05/increased-abstinence-causes-a-large-drop-in-teen-pregnancy]Increased”>http://www.heritage.org/research/reports/2003/05/increased-abstinence-causes-a-large-drop-in-teen-pregnancy)</p>

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<p>I did not claim to know what love is, and you really know nothing about my personal decisions. </p>

<p>Regarding those articles, I prefer to instead trust research coming from peer reviewed journals:</p>

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<p><a href=“http://ari.ucsf.edu/science/reports/abstinence.pdf[/url]”>http://ari.ucsf.edu/science/reports/abstinence.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>That is all I am going to say, as I do not want to deviate further on the OP’s thread. The only point I would like to make is that your comments are unhelpful and quite rude during a difficult time in the OP’s life.</p>

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<p>“The weight of the evidence from peer-reviewed scientific journals clearly shows that some comprehensive sex education programs can reduce behavior that puts young people at risk of HIV, STIs and unintended pregnancy, and that these programs do not promote earlier onset of sexual activity or an increased number of sexual partners among adolescents.”</p>

<p>SOME, not ALL. </p>

<p>“The only point I would like to make is that your comments are unhelpful and quite rude during a difficult time in the OP’s life.”</p>

<p>Not rude at all, just straighforward like some others on here.</p>

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<p>@alwaysleah/post #166—(sorry, still haven’t figured out the quotes box yet)</p>

<p>You say that “its no ones place to judge a sexually mature couple” LOL I almost choked on my cup of tea with that one… </p>

<p>Again, how mature are you IF you need the consent of mommy to sign for an abortion?</p>

<p>How mature are you if you bring a child into the world and not able to care for it yourself? Please tell me. How mature are you if you are still young enough to have visits with your pediatrician?? How mature are you when you aren’t old enough, in some states to work past midnight to care for the beautiful little crumb snatcher? How mature are you when the whole family has to change because YOU wanted to have sex??? </p>

<p>Someone mentioned that even a 30 year old needs to help of mom/calls on mom for help… that is totally different. Making a phone call, or having grandma stop by to offer assistance is far different from dumping a baby on a parents lap/bringing new life into the world with no ablility to care for it… </p>

<p>I thinks its disgusting and there lies the problem. Our society has become far too accepting of this nonsense.</p>

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<p>You and me both NewHaven. </p>

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<p>Couldn’t have said it better myself. You hit the nail on the head.</p>

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<p>Bingo!!! Some people think it’s cute. I surely don’t.</p>

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<p>This is how you quote a block of text:

[Quote text to quote /Quote]
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<p>Just make sure to put parenthesis on both sides.</p>

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<p>And so mature and wise at 25? Lemme tell you, a 25 year old knows nothing about life or love, NOTHING. Wait until you are 75 …</p>