Hi my 14 year old has received admission to a great prep BS. She wants to go. We are a upper middle class family not super wealthy. While finances are one thing, by bigger question in general about her temparament. We have been battling digital addiction with her since 7th grade, thanks to school laptops and not foolishly not following the ‘wait till 8th’ guideline to give her phone.
Outside of school she does piano, and very resistant to trying any sports or other hobby clubs like Robotics. Constant battles around tech use has strained our relationship, and she gets extremely disregulated over trivial things.
Part of me feels that structure and routine of BS will help her, she is bright and prides herself in being a reader. Local high school is great, but socially she is isolated. This town is very heavy in sports and most kids are playing afterschool almost every day.
Before I write to the BS about withdrawing her application I wanted to see if anyone was in similar situation and had their kid’s outlook and engagement change for the better at BS? Perhaps a change of environment will be good for her? Most of my family is against the idea and feel it would further alienate her from us and she may get more unsupervised tech access.
Why did you allow her to apply to boarding school in the first place if most of the family is against it? If she’s received an admission, you and she went through a rigorous application process. No one haphazardly receives admittance to a boarding school, a lot of thought goes into the process.
She wants to go. Why are you considering withdrawing the application? Define “disregulated.”
Dysregulated: Screaming uncontrollably over perceived restrictions, being disrespectful with parents. Getting tested for ADHD. When she has school work, she does it with full earnest, but most of the time there isn’t much homework or she finishes at school, and she feels its not challenging.
Reason we ventured into applying was to help her have some positive focus and goals that would get her away from spending time with tech, and because the school gives merit scholarships for select boarders She seemed quite motivated to want to apply and go there, but I had told her we will see if scholarship works out she can go . She didn’t get any scholarship.
Other family is older sisters who did fine academically at local high school but had some social challenges. They were very focused self disciplined kids though.
I have so many questions about the current use of the term “dysregulated” (I don’t mean to pick on you alone; this is far from the first time I have seen it used this way in the past several years). But in all sincerity, how is this behavior different from “defiance” or “disrespect”? What, physiologically, is being dysregulated?
Have you spoken with the boarding school about your concerns? We don’t know the school and most schools are building a community and want right fit students. They saw something (most like multiple things) in your daughter’s application and interviews that made them feel like she is a good fit.
Talk to them about your concerns and mention you were hoping for a scholarship - be honest and open with them and hear them out. What is their tech policy etc, homework structure, etc. Only after having that conversation do I think you can make a more educated decision, imo.
Do you think she would scream uncontrollably at a teacher, or dorm faculty? If yes, then boarding school might not be right. If no, boarding school might just be the ticket!
What does her counselor/mental health professional say about this decision and if she’s ready? I don’t think you need to delegate the decision, but surely it’s helpful input. Someone who works with lots of adolescents will likely have an informed take on whether you’re observing “typical” teenage acting out in which case a change in schooling, living arrangements, etc. could be healthy for everyone… or whether it’s truly indicative of something that should be handled at home.
I agree with others, it is not really possible for strangers who don’t know and can’t observe your child to make meaningful recommendations about what would be best.
That said, a simple enough question is whether she understands the school’s tech policies and is willing to live within those constraints.
Many of these schools are moving to pretty rigid tech policies (not sure if yours is one of them), so I’m wondering if we’re not in frying pan/fire territory. Not much tolerance for bad behavior either, so it’s important that she understands expectations.
Agree with the others that a talk with the school is an important next step.
I’m not familiar with tech addiction specifically (except in the layperson sense), but there are certainly 14yo who behave better for school communities than they do with their parents.
Tech addiction in our teens is real, scary, and it’s designed so that they can’t escape it. We recently had Max Stossel speak at our school, and it was eye-opening. I have kids who are jr/sr in college, and it’s changed so much even since they were in middle school.
My first question is : If she were behaving well, would you be allowing her to go to BS? If the answer is no - because you don’t want to pay, because you don’t like the idea of BS, or any of the other reasons many families have for not considering BS - it’s not fair to shift the blame to her. It sounds like she’s an awful “roommate” for you, so you need to be incredibly mindful, as the parent and one with power, to set your complaints in the right place.
If the only concern is her behavior, which as you describe it sounds dreadful, I would get hold of the school 's rules. All of you should review them, understand the consequences of breaking them, and she needs to be 100% on board with them. You should also buy tuition insurance (and confirm that it covers expulsion for disciplinary reasons), just in case she can’t hold up her end of the bargain.
It is possible, of course, that she is better behaved at school. After all, 2 teachers wrote her recs saying as much. And maybe in an environment with tech limitations coupled with more academic rigor and other school related obligations, she’ll have less time and interest for this habit. If she thinks she can go to BS and followtheir rules, give her a shot at it. (And if you have specific concerns, take them up with the school in advance. They try to set up kids to succeed, so if a certain type of advisor or housing structure is better for her, pipe up now!)
If she can be a better person by attending BS, don’t punish the version needing improvement by withdrawing her enrollment.