Question about restraining orders (rape)

Parent Cafe
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<p>meraldkitty, you’ve clearly never been raped. im 100% positive she is telling the truth, it is just a very difficult thing for her to talk about. Sometimes when the subject is brought up, she bursts out crying because she can remember his breathing, etc.</p>

<p>Actually if you look at previous posts on CC- I have been very candid about being sexually assaulted by a group of boys in junior high as well as beaten and raped years later.</p>

<p>*She never went to the hospital. After it occurred, she wanted to pretend it never happened. Only after talking to me and her mom, she decided to go to the woman’s center on campus (they encouraged her to take emergency contraception and get tested for diseases). At the womans center on campus (two days after incident), she filled out an “anonymous” rape report of what happened. Two weeks later, when she had more courage she filled out a regular report with the campus police.</p>

<p>she doesn’t want to “forget” the incident. but what else can she do at this point? she went to the woman’s center as soon as she was able to (two days), and they gave her the option to talk to campus police (which she followed up on and did). im going to help her get more counseling.*</p>

<p>How often do you bring this up with her? Perhaps she needs to deal with it in her own time.</p>

<p>Also, she wasn’t “hooking up” with a guy and then things progressed. He grabbed her, overpowered her, and pulled off her pants. I can’t believe you are defending the guy. Her mom (and dad) are extremely depressed.</p>

<p>I didn’t say she was hooking up with him, but it sounds like she had been calling him all night, called him to walk her to the building, why?</p>

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<p>A few days before the rape, there were campus e-mails sent to all students about an assault on campus that occurred at night. The guy called her first asking for help with some of the problems, and they exchanged calls about different science problems they had trouble with. She was afraid of walking across campus very late at night by herself so she figured the guy (since he was strong) would be able to protect her in case anything happened. Unfortunately, she would have been safer if she just went to the science center by herself.</p>

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<p>This is part of why I suggested asking a women’s resource on campus what the experience has been with the city police.</p>

<p>If the city police generally have been professional, respectful, and have a record of taking rape complaints seriously, and treating complainants gently, then there is much to be said for reporting to the city police.</p>

<p>If, on the other hand, the city police have a record of skepticism and insensitivity with women who report rapes, then perhaps the victim would feel less inclined to report to them.</p>

<p>In any event, it is the friend’s decision whether or not to report. Imo, don’t try to influence her one way or the other on this sensitive issue. Imo, simply try to help her become informed about what good and/or bad things could happen should she choose to report.</p>

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<p>The definition of sexual battery as defined above seems consistent with what has been written in many places. It does not sound unduly conservative. Lets not make this thread into another duke lax thread. There is no reason from what I have read to suspect that the victim is disingenuous. If the victim was raped, the healthiest thing to do is to be supportive, and to encourage her to recognize her options, her choices in notifying htre authorities. I think that having someone trained to support victims of rape accompany her to the police is a good idea if she chooses to report. But if she chooses to report, she should do it sooner rather than later.</p>

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<p>Thanks, aDad. I feel if she reported to the metro police and they don’t do anything, that would be the last straw for her. She actually felt better after going to the woman’s center and talking about it. It was this positive effect that allowed me and her mom to convince her to talk to the campus police. But since they didn’t really do anything, I think she lost faith in everyone.</p>

<p>Your advice is very helpful and well-thought. I think she would have an easier time talking to the women’s center about what happened.</p>

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<p>“But if she chooses to report, she should do it sooner rather than later.”</p>

<p>I agree. At this point, there probably won’t be any prosecution. But if they contact the rapist, it could atleast scare him to the point where he might not hurt anyone else. It will also help my friend feel good that atleast she did what she could. Atleast I hope.</p>

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<p>adviceneeded - when the timing is right, I would highly suggest your reading a book called “Lucky” by Alice Sebold (it’s non-fiction). Maybe you’ve heard of “Lovely Bones” which was also written the same author. Anyway, while it’s a difficult story to read, I think it might give you some insight as to possible issues your friend might be dealing with, including the wish to just forget about it. Your friend is going through the grieving process, and she will go through various stages on this journey; she will move in and out of them depending on what else is going on in her life. It’s not necessarily a linear process. “Lucky” is a poignant story that I think you will find helpful as you try to understand the emotional battle your friend is facing.</p>

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<p>Thanks. I’ll definitely give it a read. I want to do everything I can to be there. It pains me so much to hear her talk about being “broken” and how her life will never be the same.</p>

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<p>Ok, I’m going to bed. I appreciate all the advice and PMs.</p>

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<p>AdviceNeeded, thank you for your kind words. </p>

<p>Your friend’s words were painful for me as well. I would imagine that the women’s center could suggest suitable, proven therapists should your friend express an interest in therapy (which I hope that she does).</p>

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<p>I am skeptical. There are a number of elements to your report of the alleged rape which suggest that your friend is being dishonest with you and/or that you are being dishonest with CC members. I must also consider the likelihood that there is no “friend,” and that your post is in reference to yourself.</p>

<p>Specific information you provided in one of your posts (I will not specify which post) made the college easily identifiable. Additional information you provided in your posts conform to the college’s profile.</p>

<p>The college’s official publications include information (regarding classroom and administrative facility security policies, dormitory security systems, outdoor campus security systems, secure vehicular transportation and pedestrian escort services, and well-publicized campus medical services and sexual assault confidential reporting services) which–coupled with conflicting and otherwise questionable information you provide in your posts–adds to my skepticism regarding your report of the alleged rape. Of all the information I reviewed, the college campus police department’s website was the most useful. </p>

<p>The college’s campus police department maintains an online crime alert log. I saw the crime alert regarding the nighttime campus assault to which you referred in your Post #42. I also checked the campus police department’s online crime log, which does not include a report of a sexual assault occurring “a few days after” the published crime alert. The crime log does include a report of a “simple assault” occurring at a Greek house in the early morning hours of a Saturday (not a day on which a class assignment would be due the following day) within that several-day time period. Both the nighttime campus assault and the Greek house simple assault occurred more than a month and a half ago, not “about/close to” a month ago, which is when you state the alleged rape occurred. However, the crime log also lists an incident of “forcible fondling” (of a female by an unknown male during an outdoor concert) which allegedly occurred in the early morning hours of a Sunday “about/close to” a month ago,” which was reported by the alleged victim confidentially, and for which a police report was not completed.</p>

<p>Your report of the alleged rape raises significant questions. What did the alleged rapist do after letting your friend go and apologizing profusely? (Did he run away? Did he escort her back to her dorm or elsewhere immediately? Did he remain in the science building with her until it was time for her to turn in her assignment?) What did your friend do after the alleged rape? (Did she run away? Did she return to her dorm immediately? Did she remain in the science building until it was time for her to turn in her assignment?) If the alleged rapist was as strong as you describe (strong enough to “overpower” your friend and “rip off her jeans”) why did your friend think that merely biting him would have deterred him long enough for her to get away? When you wrote (Post #1) that after the alleged rape, your friend “took a long shower trying to clean everything off him,” were you revealing that she and her alleged rapist subsequently showered together? Why does the “good news” (Post #30) that your friend got her period, and therefore “is not pregnant,” appear to cause you worry (“Do campus police share their crime reports with city police? Or do they handle things internally?”) as well as relief? Did your friend acquire campus emergency contraceptives under false pretenses? Did she file a false rape report to campus police? (I took particular note of a discrepancy in your information about your friend’s rape report to campus police. In your Post #13, you stated that your friend reported the alleged rape to campus police “two weeks later.” However, in your Post #28, you stated that she filed a campus police report “a few days later.”) </p>

<p>I agree that the alleged rapist’s apparent “complete” absence from campus and the deletion of his Facebook account are suspicious; however, there is a lot about your report of your friend’s alleged rape which is also suspicious. I think there is more to this story than your friend is telling you and/or that you are telling CC members. Rape is a despicable act. Falsely accusing someone of rape is also a despicable act. I advise that before you involve yourself in this matter any further, you should ask your friend point blank: “Were you raped or are you lying about being raped?” (I am the parent of a daughter, and if my daughter reported an incident such as the one you described, I would be skeptical, and I would not hesitate to ask my daughter that same point-blank question.) When your friend responds, trust your gut. If your gut says that your friend is telling the truth, then continue helping her as you see fit. If your gut says that your friend is lying, then distance yourself from this situation and from her immediately.</p>

<p>With regard to a restraining order: Internet-based research (pertinent to the laws of your state) should provide answers to your questions. It is your friend’s responsibility to pursue an RO, if she chooses to do so. Your friend should know, however, that an RO is just a piece of paper; it would provide no physical guarantee that “the guy can’t come near her.”</p>

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<p>You might want to look back at this statement. You are implying that a girl/woman who is not religious, doesn’t do community service, and/or is not a virgin, should be doubted. You also seem to imply, in your original post, that her having been a virgin who was “saving herself” makes the rape a more traumatic occurrence for her than it would be for someone for whom this was not the case. I’m sure that you can see the problems with this implication.</p>

<p>If your area has a rape crisis center, many of them have hotlines with trained counselors and/or free counseling for rape survivors. She could benefit emotionally from such a service, and these centers also often have staff who are trained in the legal issues surrounding rape and sexual assault, and would know about restraining orders.</p>

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<p>Good Lord, TimeCruncher, has it ever occured to you that it might have been just a poorly worded sentence or that English is not the OP’s primary language?</p>

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<p>In answer to the OP’s question, I’d suggest calling the local bar association. Many offer services to assist victims of violence in obtaining restraining orders. In our area (NYC), there is no fee for this service. However, reality is that the restraining orders are not a magic shield and are often violated.</p>

<p>TC, I think the advice you give is deplorable. Lets assume for the moment something unpleasant happened and the friend is upset. For a FRIEND to doubt and cross-examine the friend in the manner you suggest strikes me as completely inappropriate. If the young woman is telling the truth, having a friend express doubt about her story might really hurt her psychologically. I don’t see why the OP should run that risk.</p>

<p>And, oh, for the record, my kid sometimes had EXAMS on Sundays. She sometimes had assignments due on Sundays too.This was often the case with 24 or 48 hour take home exams.</p>

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<p>showering after a rape is pretty common- even though calling police /going to hospital ASAP is drilled into women’s heads.</p>

<p>What really concerns me is that this school according to OP has had quite a few assaults on campus- yet they don’t seem to have any kind of alert phones or buddy system for students.</p>

<p>At my daughters school community service officers were available at all hours to escort students back to dorms from the library or their offices.</p>

<p>Im also concerned that a paper was due at such an early time that the student feared going back to her dorm in case she missed the deadline.
Im thinking that if this was the case, it is likely that other students were also attempting to meet the deadline and were in the vicinity.</p>

<p>Has any attempt been made to search for witnesses who were in the area?
This is likely a big topic of conversation on the college blog/journal. I bet someone did see something which will give whomever is doing the investigation something to go on.</p>

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<p>* FRIEND to doubt and cross-examine the friend in the manner you suggest strikes me as completely inappropriate. If the young woman is telling the truth, having a friend express doubt about her story might really hurt her psychologically*</p>

<p>I agree
However- this friend is also the one who is bringing up the topic by her own admission even though it is upsetting to the victim.
I feel a real friend would not be continually pressing, but ease back- encourage counseling, but give the young woman time to process this in her own way.
Yes it will be less likely that this will be prosecuted but it isn’t very likely anyway, given the lack of evidence. If the most important thing is that the victim heal and get on with her life, then it is important to quit bringing it up and to remind her that she is more than this incident.</p>

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<p>To BunsenBurner, regarding your Post #53: Yes, I did consider that this was merely a “poorly worded sentence.” However, I also considered that the manner in which the sentence was composed made it as likely to be unintentionally revealing as to be merely poorly-worded. My professional background as a texbook editor rang warning bells when I first read this sentence, and then re-read it multiple times in an attempt to determine exactly what the OP was intending to communicate. In my opinion, this is an atypical poorly-worded sentence. Given the OP’s obvious command of English, I decided to question the OP about her (or his) choice of words.</p>

<p>To jonri, regarding your Post #54: It appears to me that you also have doubts about the facts of this reported incident, as revealed by your statement, “If the young woman is telling the truth….”</p>

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<p>I’m a guy and the girl is one of my closest friends. I am not the “friend” and the post is not about me. </p>

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<p>Your right, the event is not on the campus police website. I think because it is an “acquaintance rape”. I’m not sure why its not on the crime log either. But there have been several rapes on campus, and I don’t see any rapes listed on the crime log.</p>

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<p>Biting him probably wouldn’t have helped. In fact, maybe he would have hurt her. I think she has trouble dealing with what happened and just thinks of the “what ifs”.</p>

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<p>This was a typo. It should be “her”. I tried fixing this, but you can edit posts after a certain amount of time. They obviously didn’t shower together. </p>

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<p>She filed an anonymous report with the woman’s center a few days later. Her mom wanted her to go home after this and she scheduled an appointment with the campus police around two weeks later. She reported twice already. Also, she is definitely not lying. If you saw her face-to-face, you would understand. I have no doubt in my mind shes telling the truth.</p>

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<p>She is a very honest girl. Thats all I meant to imply.</p>

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<p>Yes, my top priority is to make the healing process as easy as possible for her. I want her to return to her regular, happy self. I have never dealt with something like this before and its hard to know what to say.</p>

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<p>I agree that it is important for a victim of any crime to heal. I have been a victim myself and know this to be true.</p>

<p>I feel it is equally important, however, for crimes (especially serious crimes like rape) to be reported to the police (not just campus police). We have a criminal justice system for situations like this. When a victim doesn’t report a crime, it looks like he/she doesn’t think the crime matters. Many crimes are reported that are not ever solved or are not solved right away. Sometimes a pattern of crime can cause apprehension of the criminal later on. </p>

<p>If this guy is a rapist, then he is walking around right now thinking that there are no consequences for it – not even being questioned under suspicion of doing it. He’s probably a pretty relieved guy right now, and maybe he is checking out his next victim. I think that at least having him officially accused of this crime, and him having to deal with the investigation are equally as important as the healing of the victim. This could prevent there being any more victims of this same rapist. If there isn’t sufficient evidence for him to go to trial, even if he is guilty, maybe this will prevent him from doing it again.</p>