<p>@greenwitch - the suggestion between Christmas and New Year’s is a good one, but ds does not want to go then. He wants to go earlier during his break. I support that.</p>
<p>@busyperson. Thank you for understanding. I do miss my parents. </p>
Question re: Grandparents and holiday breaks (Thanksgiving and Christmas) for college-aged students.
<p>It sounds like you do not have siblings and your son is an only child. It doesn’t seem strange that your MIL would hope for a connection between her children. It was a long, hard road with the deaths of all four grandparents over the course of 13 years. It helped to have at least some connection with siblings going through that. Even if your husband and his sister are not particularly close, it is good that they are at least not estranged. I think your MIL is wise to at least still look for connections between family members. Your husband and his sister may have to make some hard decisions about his parents some day. And family ties tend to run deep, even if things do not appear close on the surface.</p>
<p>If FIL is indeed a toxic personality then I can certainly understand your desire to cut down on the number of yearly visits. But I am thinking that perhaps Thanksgiving and Christmas, being that they are the 2 major holidays, might not be the right candidates for making those cuts. I think you have done the right thing by extending an invitation for Thanksgiving. They either accept or decline and you need not think anymore about it. </p>
<p>The issue with Christmas seems to be complicated by the fact that either you or DS is mandating that the visit occur on a week day. You acknowledge that will be difficult for everyone including your H and his sister, so why even go down that road? If it were me, I would forget about the 2 day visit by DS. Then the 3 of you just hop in the car one day and spend a few hours with your in laws sometime during the Christmas break. With the 3 hour drive each way you certainly have good reason to make it a meaningful but short visit. I honestly don’t think it is all that much to ask especially since Christmas Day you have to yourselves. </p>
<p>I think you will have more leverage in avoiding get togethers on occasions other than Thanksgiving and Christmas. So maybe you reduce the visits to 4 times a year and DS can visit as often as he likes. </p>
<p>Once our extended family realized that you could celebrate Thanksgiving any time in late November, Christmas at any time in late December, etc. it stopped being as problematic. </p>
<p>@HarvestMoon1 - Yes, the issue is that ds wants to go for a weekday. However, both my dh and I support that. As dh puts it, it his now ds’s decision about whether or not he chooses to visit his grandparents. DS doesn’t want to go on a weekend because he wants to spend his weekend time with his friends. Ds went down and spent 4th of July weekend with grandparents forgoing other opportunities with friends because that was when <em>they</em> wanted him to visit because that was the time that worked with sil and her family. Grandparents are coming up here again later this summer to spend a weekend and say their goodbyes before ds leaves in September. </p>
<p>You’ve done a great job in supporting your son’s relationship with his grandparents. It will all work out. It’s an emotional time for everyone getting their child off to college.</p>
<p>I would like to point out that for most people this change in schedules first happens when a child gets married. That is when parents have to begin “sharing” the Holidays and visits with their child’s spouses family. Your in-laws have never had to do that. I think that 8 times a year for a 3 hour drive is A LOT. I love both my parents and my m-i-l, but there is no way I could possibly schedule 16 visits a year. They have essentially benefited by being able to have “both” sets of visits. That may make this change a little harder for them to adjust to. Just something to consider from their point of view. But the band aid has to be ripped off. </p>
<p>Obviously, 16 trips would probably not be happening. Adjustments would have been made . The grass is always greener with some of these kinds of issues. Our family members were always hours away when my kids were growing up. It was hard but everyone tried to maintain contact . I admit to feeling jealous when big local families would be able to get together on the holidays by just going up the road and we would have to travel for hours to see anyone. It is getting harder all the time for families to stay connected, given how mobile our society has become., but that seems to be the reality these days. Holidays are one way to try to keep that connection.</p>
<p>We started staying at hotels when visiting the inlaws. It scored no points the first time…but it’s a large family, and it was just very hard to have everyone (upwards of 20 people) sharing two bathrooms, camping on the floors and the like. So we made a hotel reservation. We got to the house first thing in the morning…and stayed until just about bedtime. But it was nice to go to a hotel, where four of us shared a suite, and have some space.</p>
<p>But then we had the time crunches…and invited the family to our house…for many years. </p>
<p>I guess the road only goes in one direction.</p>
<p>Yes, unfortunately ,the road does often seem to go mostly in one direction when distances are involved. The only time our families came to us at Christmas was the year one of my my kids was born a few weeks before the holiday. We made it clear to the inlaws that we would not be able to travel for Christmas so they came to us so they could see their grandchild. My SIL’s inlaws live in her neighborhood and the grandparents have been very helpful with her children. The families see each a few times a week so this is all so variable. I’m sure seeing each other too often can have its own problems in some families but it seems to have worked well for them.</p>
<p>When we lived back east where all of my immediate family are, we hosted Thanksgiving every year and another sibling did Christmas. The other siblings and the grandparents seemingly had it easy and just showed up. But the 2 of us that hosted every year always said we had it the easiest - we simply chose the time and communicated the invitation. Individual families came or they didn’t. Any wrangling that might have gone on among other family members never reached us as no one was going to insult the host. </p>
<p>There was one year 2 siblings were not speaking and I got a call from one who appeared to want to draw me into the conflict by telling me how uncomfortable they would be. My response was “we would love to have you and will miss you if you decide not to come, but we certainly understand if you can’t manage it.” They came and had a great time. Sometimes I think if you just don’t breathe life into conflict it does dissipate. </p>
<p>@DEfour - yes, this is exactly it: my in-laws have never had to share. And there has always been the expectation that we would be wtih them on holidays even though there are times I would rather just stay at home with my own little family of three. I think this is hard for mil to grasp. She is one of six and has a large, extended family. When they all get together it is completely overwhelming to me!! </p>
<p>Even though I am a ways out from having a dil or grandchildren, I have already told my husband that I don’t expect them to visit on holidays - especially on Christmas!! I’ve never really understood why grandparents would want to have to “compete” with all the accompanying distractions that Christmas brings! For me, I would rather visit or have them visit when <em>I</em> would be the focus, not the new toys! But, I’m not there, so this issue is not yet ripe, and how I may or may not feel about having ds and his family around at Christmas is purely speculative.</p>
<p>You might find this book useful: <a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Coping-With-Difficult-Older-Parent/dp/038079750X”>http://www.amazon.com/Coping-With-Difficult-Older-Parent/dp/038079750X</a></p>
<p>It’s the source of my advice to say, “We just can’t do that this year.” I like the suggestions of only going for one day, or staying in a hotel. That can help. If you need to justify staying in the hotel: “As we’re getting older, we find that we sleep better in a hotel.” And repeat.</p>
<p>@Hunt - thanks. Just ordered it!! I <em>know</em> the things I should say - it’s just a matter of my getting up the courage to say them.</p>
<p>Hoggirl…the FIRST time you do something different it will likes cause a stir of some kind…at least it did with us. But after that…it’s much easier!</p>
<p>It’s all about compromise. It sounds like T’day is covered. You extended an invitation and they can accept or decline. December 26th is a weekday, a Friday. Could you all go up early on Friday, stay over and then leave midday after lunch on Saturday? Stay at a hotel if you wish. You will have had your own nuclear family time on Xmas, spent some time with the in-law family and your S will still be home in time to spend most of the weekend with his friends. (Psst…your S may find his friends also have family obligations and are not available 24/7.
) It may also be easier for SIL and niece to get together with you on a Friday night. </p>
<p>In most cases, if you want to find a solution, you will. If on the other hand, you really no longer want to visit with your in-laws, that is something you and your H need to work out.</p>
<p>We are a family of 15, and we negotiate a date for Christmas starting with those who have the hardest travel arrangements. If they can’t come at all, we move on to a date that works for everyone else. Sometimes we have Christmas in January. Thanksgiving we usually spend apart. We spend all of Christmas break in the car, but the 24/25th at home. It’s the price we pay for living away. </p>
<p>I also am exasperated by my in-laws at times, but remind myself that they raised the man I love, and I don’t have the right to drag my feet and keep them from seeing him and their grandchildren. If we can go, we do go. Concession to me now is that we stay in a hotel, not at the house. I also remind myself that I am no bundle of joy and cooperation either, and life is short. On occasion, DH visits all alone, and my MIL goes out of her way to express that 1. she really likes that and 2. that doesn’t mean she hates me, or thinks I hate her. </p>
<p>Someday my children will have partners that see us only as impediments to convenience and sanity. So I try to practice being flexible and compassionate. Chocolate helps, too…</p>
<p>If I drank wine, it would help more than chocolate. </p>
<p>My husband can make the drive to see his parents any time he chooses. I have actually pushed him to do,so twice in the last two months. I went on Mother’s Day. He went with his brothers on Father’s Day. That worked!</p>
<p>We spend Thanksgiving with my side of the family and we are the only ones who travel a good distance. S goes to school near us so has driven down with us which has given us time to catch up. D will be attending school 1000 miles away so we will fly her to meet us. We love this time together and this time makes everyone happy until the summer. We spend Christmas at home. No one travels to see us and we haven’t travelled in over 10 years. All fine with me. H’s parents live in town and they come over Xmas eve. </p>
<p>His parents have been a challenge. I don’t enjoy being around them but do what I “should”. On Mothers Day when H asked what I wanted to do I told him to go have lunch with his mother. My gift was not going too. He was fine with that. </p>
<p>I want to be the mother, aunt and grandmother my family wants to be around because they like me not because they feel obligated. I’m currently trying to stay out of my D’s and my mothers relationship. My Mom wants to be close and my D is a little put off by my mothers neediness and sometimes neurotic behavior. </p>
<p>OP needs to do what is best for her nuclear family and her sanity. </p>
<p>Hoggirl, it seems to me that you are pretty much all set. You have proposed a very good compromise for Thanksgiving, and your S <em>wants</em> to go down for a few days to visit his grandparents alone. Just say that it will be great for them to have special time alone with him. Clearly, your H is working, and I doubt that they particularly care about seeing you. ( 
no offense) If you and/or your H want to, the two of you could go down for a <em>short</em> visit around Christmas.</p>
<p>I feel sorry for your MIL. It sounds like she is stuck spending drab holidays alone with her unpleasant husband if family doesn’t show up.</p>