@mark54000 jobs requiring security clearance with federal government ask about in-laws.
See page 45 of Form SF 86
https://www.opm.gov/forms/pdf_fill/sf86.pdf
Public officials, elected officials, could have family notoriety held against them.
OP, I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I do agree with those who say that the kid shouldn’t be judged by his dad’s (parent’s?) actions but, hey, we’re parents and we worry.
Of course he could have observed difficult/horrible things; growing up remotely, home schooled, etc. leads many of us to imagine all kinds of things. Of course just because he doesn’t have a digital footprint (not on social media, etc.) it doesn’t mean there’s nefarious reasoning behind it. Still, we’re parents and we worry. And, with each added thing, it makes sense the OP feels nervous. Still, your D is going to do what she wants to do and making a big deal and mentioning your fears more than once or twice would likely push her away and/or result in her no longer talking to you about her relationship.
So, I’d say show some excitement, ask when you can meet him and try to be as supportive as you can to your daughter. If you hear/see more that concerns you, maybe you can raise whatever that is…you just don’t want to push your daughter away and, who knows…hopefully the bf is just a great guy who was unfortunate in the parent department. I’d be really nervous too. Good luck to you.
I would want to know if the parents are eligible for parole. The court records may be public. No need to ask the daughter.
If eligible for parole, the father could get out in twenty years.
https://www.expertlaw.com/library/criminal/prison_parole.html
“BF’s past made her uncomfortable, and she said no. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it and she said “it’s not my story to tell.””
This is baloney. The crime is a public record. The parents’s names, place of residence. It’s not secret. Secrets are what get people into trouble.
Notoriety raises questions. Future employers may not want fuss. Marketing firms don’t want message lost due to flawed or distracting messengers.
Wow… this entire thread is just making me sad.
One of my best friends, who lived with us for part of high school and lived with my parents when I went to college, had a dad in prison. It took years for her to tell me that it was because he repeatedly raped her. It took her even longer to tell me that her mom covered it up for years. It never, ever occurred to me to judge her based on what her parents did.
She didn’t have a social media presence for years because she was afraid of her dad finding her if he was released.
You could do a search on my family and find out that my great-grandma killed my great-grandfather on one side and on the other side that a great uncle and a few other family members were involved with the Purple Gang. Guess what? None of their kids went on to be psychos or criminals. Like, you know, the vast vast majority of children of criminals and psychos.
People shouldn’t be judged based on what their parents did. Meet the BF if things are getting serious but do not, in any way, hold his parents’ past against him. He deserves better than that - especially since if this had been less than a generation ago, you would not have been able to easily find information like you have.
The daughter is 100 percent correct. It isn’t her story to tell. If the parents want to know all the details they can ask the boyfriend, which would be a terrible thing to do.
Flawed or distracting messengers? The daughter is a flawed and distracting messenger because her potential father in-law committed a crime? Give me a break!
The BF didn’t lie to the daughter or try to hide his family issues. THAT would be an issue for me, but even then I’d respect his right to privacy and just want him to be honest…
Unless this kid is named Adolph Hitler Jr or Bernie Mazoff Jr, would someone suspect that his father was a criminal? OP said she’d never heard of the father or the crimes until she looked them up. I’d bet if she ran a background check on the son nothing would come up.
Well, when a person is eligible for parole is dependent on the crime committed and the sentence, and to the state or federal law. People get out on parole all the time in less than 20 years.
And so what? It doesn’t sound like this guy is planning to have contact with the father.
My older son brought home a new friend when he was in middle school who was the kid down the street whose dad had killed his first wife. The murder was notorious. A book had been written about it and a little searching revealed the whole story. All the adults in the neighborhood were well aware of the family’s background. But my 12 yo was not. All he knew was that there was a boy down the street he just met with whom he seemed to have a lot in common.
I admit my first reaction was “No!” you cannot go over to this kid’s house. The mother had possibly had some knowledge if not involvement but not been charged so there was this background feeling of psycho parents. The family lived in a huge house full of the latest and greatest, so an atmosphere of excess.
My second reaction was that this poor kid might be a nice guy who lived with this whispered infamy. My son had no idea and so would relate to him in a fresh, untainted way. I decided I’d let the friendship start but keep an eye on it.
The two boys got together maybe twice. Turned out they had nothing in common after all. My son was less sophisticated and more nerdy. The boy went on to have a rough adolescence. (His younger brother, on the other hand, was the innocent, nerdy, straight arrow, who had he been older, would have been a good match for my kid.)
All this to say my advice would be to investigate this yourself, know the story, but don’t prejudge the BF. Meet him.
First, some of you are way harsh. Secondly, very hypocritical to tell the OP to not judge and then go ahead and do that very thing.
Yes, I’d be concerned and would like to meet the BF.
In college I fell hard for a guy whose father and brother were in prison. The father for murder. He was a very sweet, intelligent young man and my parents were wary but got to know him and that changed.
I will say he definitely had emotional issues and insecurities due to his upbringing.
I completely understand your feelings here.
If they marry, and the daughter works in public education, they will do background checks on everyone in the household. But not folks who don’t live in the household.
I understand the OPs concern. What does her daughter’s roommate say? She introduced them, and presumably she would introduce her roomie to someone who was a great guy, right? I’m not suggesting the parent talk to the roommate, but this is food for thought.
I have read this thread though may have skimmed a few posts.
A couple thoughts.
- Sigh. You're dammed if you use social media, you're dammed if you don't. Please don't let social media presence or not be your guiding opinion maker.
- OP, did you say if it's possible to meet the BF? If it's a possibility, that just seems like the right thing to do for everyone. You'll get more info, D would probably like to share him - it might even give BF some peace of mind that you're willing or eager to meet him - he's no dummy and knows people can google and find out info that might taint someone's view of him ---which is exactly what is happening!
- If you're D is a college student - a junior so probably 20 or 21- be very open and honest about any concerns you have! Sharing concerns is not telling someone what to do. Keep your emotions in check and tell her you're happy she has someone she considers her partner. But it's also ok to share "wow he's had a lot to deal with in his family - and CAREFULLY address your concerns - not as a pesky parent but just as a person who wants to both be happy for her but protect her best interests.
But I have to really root for #2 - meet this young man!
It is confusing why some commenters are keying on the “no social media presence.”
There was never any suspicion, criticism, or judgment based on the boyfriend not having a social media presence. This was just a potential path for OP to gather information about the guy because she couldn’t get anything from her daughter.
Sorry about this all.
I agree with @collage1 in post #60.
I just had coffee with an old college friend. She is heartbroken over her daughter, who has excommunicated herself; due to my friend being too hard on her in her teen years. no easy answers; but here’s my life motto: “it is never wrong to be kind.”
The OP judged the boyfriend by saying it made her uncomfortable that the boyfriend has no social media presence.
This is why I don’t judge children who choose not to have a relationship with their parents.
OP, I totally understand why you are concerned. However, as someone who was raised in an abusive home and “escaped” via college, I wonder if this young man might be doing the same as I did 30 years ago.
He has made it to senior year. He might not have any social media presence due to his family circumstance and wanting to maintain his own anonymity in the world. Could actually be a sign of smart thinking on his part. Lots of kids from tough circumstances are resilient and find a way to break the cycle.
If I were you, I’d show an interest, open the lines of communication wide with your daughter, and make an effort to meet this young man. Because leading with your anxiety regarding the young man’s parent could create a situation you don’t want between you and your daughter.
Best of luck to you.
@mark5400. Are you involved in this picture somehow?
It is just a bit coincidental that a grad student, already through the college process, finally joins CC last night. Then visits 4 times to only comment on one specific thread that has nothing to do with college or grad school. And a thread the randomly happens to be one that speaks to you so strongly.
If so, that’s totally fine. If not, that’s ok too.
But your point has been made and most here will certainly understand your perspective and it’s valid for you.
Trust us as well when we tell you that having children, for many, changes the calculus on things.
And finally for me, once again, I have not seen one person condemn the young man in any way.
A lot of this has to do with the daughters reticence to engage in discussion or even show her mom a picture. Meeting the boyfriend isn’t even in the cards at this point.
Am I involved in what? I’m not sure what you are asking.
This board has been useful to me in my grad process search. I have been a lurker for awhile and decided to sign up and post. I actually commented in the movie thread as well.
I feel strongly about people being judged and so do others on here.
The OP for one stated it made her uncomfortable that the boyfriend doesn’t have a social media presence.
The daughter did discuss it and didn’t lie about anything. She said it’s not her story to tell. She is 100 percent correct about that.
How do you know meeting the boyfriend is not on the cards?
Are you friends of the daughter? If so maybe you have other info that would be helpful to the dialogue?
You joined last night and it coincided with this thread? So just a bit off and it seems to be a sole focus of being on CC. Which hey, works for me.
I’m older now but also remember that a Saturday night during grad schoo,l over the holidays, this would not be my first choice of activities at the time.
It doesn’t matter anyway. Just my spidey sense is ringing.
Carry on all.