No, I am not sure why you would think that.
I just feel very passionate about this thread and it makes me sad that so many people are judgemental.
@mark54000 It seems like this really strikes a nerve with you, and I think that you’ve gotten a lot of responses that agree that wholesale judgment of this boy based upon his parents isn’t fair. But, as @privatebanker said, being a parent changes the calculus. It just does. I think the OP has gotten lots of good advice about remaining open, reserving judgment until she meets him, etc. Concern for your kid isn’t as black and white as simple judgment. If my kid was dating someone from a troubled background I’d be concerned, but I would also try to remain open, find a healthy way to share my thoughts with my kid while respecting that it’s their journey, etc. It’s complicated.
It does strike a nerve because, like others have said, it makes me sad that this guy is judged based on his parent’s actions.
This would be a non-issie with the OP if you took the same person and deleted the parent’s actions and added a social media presence and photos.
This is what this thread is all about. The boyfriend is being judged for having bad parents and not having a social media presence. I think that’s very disheartening.
My #1 concern with any of my D’s relationships is her safety. Call it judgement if you like, but if my D’s safety is at stake, I am on high alert.
Read “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker. Talks about this very concept. Trust your instincts. Doesn’t necessarily mean the new BF is a risk to her safety, but I would be thinking about what could go wrong. One, if he was raised by parents who are psychopaths, is he also a psychopath? Nature+Nurture. Two, even if not a psychopath, is he at risk for attracting retribution from his parents or their victims families? Three, does he suffer from emotional issues as a result of his upbringing or his parents crimes? All of these things can, directly or indirectly, affect my D’s safety.
Still, I agree with others who say (a) meet the bf if at all possible, and (b) don’t push too hard or you may drive your D away. I find that many times, if I don’t interfere, things just run their course and are no longer an issue. Unless you feel your D is in immediate danger, take some time to let your D make her own judgements.
@mark54000 Come back to me when your D is dating.
Great, now the boyfriend is a safety risk to the daughter. This whole thread keeps getting sadder and sadder.
@mark54000 None of us know this new boyfriend…and that includes the Mom and (likely) not you either. When I meet romantic partners of my two kids, I absolutely have a curiousity and interest in whether they’re a good person or not…they’re dating one of my children and it might become more. And that’s before you add in a dad in prison for multiple events (and a mother who might have helped him in these crimes), an off-the-grid raising, and a lack of any images of the boy (even taken by the daughter). This is pretty commonsense. Heck, when my divorced 40-year-old brother began dating again, we were looking out for him. This is not unusual in close families.
I am a parent and I agree that it’s a shame that people jump to the girl’s safety being at risk. My husband would absolutely feel like the OP, so I’m not saying it’s out of the norm, but I would definitely want to meet the boyfriend and decide based on him and his behavior, not salacious writings on his parents meant to draw readers. Thank goodness that people don’t judge me based on my family. I had enough pre-judgement as a teen based on my looks.
You are very naive if you don’t think that something like this could be a safety problem for the daughter- at one extreme. None of us have enough information to conclude that, including the OP, but I have seen much less plausible situations in my professional career so, I assure you, it is a consideration. People lash out at anyone connected to certain individuals or situations.
@mark54000 I don’t believe you have the perspective to really understand this situation, and I also think your involvement here is very odd.
I hardly think I’m naive at all. There is danger and risk everywhere these days, but that doesn’t stop life from going on as normal, at least I hope not.
What do you think is the absence of a social media presence? Most young adults between the ages of 20 to 30 do not use Facebook or Twitter. I am friends with a few of my children’s peers and most haven’t posted since 2016 or so. They do use Instagram. I would find it odd if a college senior does not have a LinkedIn account. Personally, I find the lack of privacy on LinkedIn creepy but it does have value for those in the job market.
My kids have little to no social media presence due to privacy concerns. They had been drilled by H that invisible is better than agile. They are currently early 30s but never had much social media presence.
I’d want to meet anyone my kids were seriously dating and try to get a feel for them and the relationship.
I can only imagine how hard it is to be the child of notorious parents whether they were notorious for good or bad reasons. Think of the pressure put on JFK Jr and Caroline.
First of all, a hug and sympathies from me. I totally get it why you are concerned. We do look at people’s backdrops, and family is one of the things that do come up. It’s terrifying to learn that someone close to a loved one, has a parent who has committed horrific crimes.
But I agree with those who say, the ultimate way one judges a person is by his/her track record of behavior and accomplishments. We don’t choose our parents, our families . To judge someone for something for which there is no control is terribly unfair. I would not like it; doubt anyone would , including this young man, that his father is a criminal.
That he is off the social media and internet grid is understandable, especially under the circumstances Though I also agree, it’s not all that unusual for any given person not to be participating either.
I would worry , yes, about how this connection to terrible events, To this terrible person, is going to affect these 2 young people, and yes, I wish for the easiest paths for my children. This will be a gauntlet. People even more judgmental, and even mean spirited and vindictive are likely to make things difficult for this young man, and your daughter by association. None of us want that for our children
However, I would not be using this information as a reason to try to end the relationship. Such attempts by parents have often backfired badly, and in this case, I believe, morally wrong. This young man, this couple need support, care and love more than ever.
I think OP’s concern stems from lack of transparency from her daughter. Acting like what the dad did is a one time, spur of the moment decision when it was done purposely and with planning to cover up other crime(s) would trouble me too. It sounds like she’s being evasive and not quite truthful. That’s the behavior that would bother me.
Maybe the daughter knows her parents would react negatively. It’s not unusual for young adults to keep info to themselves. Details here are very limited to have any true understanding of the situation.
I went back and read the initial post again. I agree with whoever said the issue is the evasiveness of your D. It’s getting “serious” but that’s her response to your direct questions? Was she this evasive regarding the old BF?
Also, he may not have a social media presence, and who cares, but to not have a single photo to share with you? That seems odd.
We all know in the beginning of relationships we ignore a lot of red flags. I would want to know the dynamics between these two as a parent.
Really? For a relationship of only 3, maybe 4 months? Not from my experience with my kids, nieces, nephews. Photos usually come out when the relationship is more established, taking trips together, etc.
I have one kid who keeps her cards very very close to her chest. It’s a field of parental landmines at times, navigating our relationship without scaring her away or inadvertently causing her to clam up even further.
I vote one can never go wrong with kindness, a welcoming attitude, & unconditional love – plus keeping your concerns to yourself and/or save it for your therapist.
It’s often HARDER to say nothing or stay neutral. As I bite my tongue, I silently repeat, “They have to make their own mistakes”.
Frankly, big picture, I’d have my antennae up for my kid dating someone who she felt “needed her” or “needed fixing”. You know, a “project”.
Again, not sure what a parent can do about it. I heard on a podcast just last week someone recommending a relationship/compatibility therapist before getting engaged and married. I didn’t know there was such a thing. What a great idea. If it works. And couples go.
Sounds like you are a long way off from that. Hang in there.
None of us know the new boyfriend. Thanks for saying that. It’s sad that sobebody would come to that conclusion, based in his parent’s actions.
I am not naive at all. I am just not scared of the world. Anybody can be a bad person. The OP’s roommate, her study partner, etc. The boyfriend did nothing wrong. Stop making him a bad person.
I am not sure why you think my involvement is “odd”. Many parents have the same sentiments as me.