@doschicos not necessarily a pic of them holding hands or just the two of them - but in a group photo, in the background- definitely if the D is on social media.
However, maybe because of his family, he really likes to keep a low profile and avoids social media at all costs. Would be understandable.
What “conclusion” is present in the quoted post?
Despite your constant harping about judging, the OP has never declared the boyfriend to be a bad person, has never concluded anything at all about him. She has simply stated that his background causes her concern and she would like to know more about him, but her daughter is being vague and there is no info on social media to give her any clues at all about him.
It would be absurd to conclude the young man is a bad person based on his parents’ history, but it would be just as absurd to insist that a person’s upbringing and life experiences don’t contribute to the person they become. The parent has a right to her feelings and worries-it’s what she does with them that is important.
Many couples don’t post pics together because guess what- they get judged!
For some people, there is an instant conclusion that when a guy and girl take a photo together that they are a couple.
This happened years ago when somebody from my family asked how my girlfriend was doing. I was puzzled because it was awhile since I was in a relationship. They told me they saw a photo of me on Facebook with my arm around a girl. Yes there was a photo with my arm around a girl that she tagged me in. We have been friends for a long time.
Also some people don’t post pictures together because then if the pictures stop everybody is wondering if they broke up.
I don’t like oversharing in relationships. If somebody asks I will tell them, but I don’t feel the need to share it on social media.
A picture does not have to be one posted on social media. I have all sorts of pics on my phone that have never been posted to social media, but have been shared with friends and relatives.
Still…no picture? So what? I’m not sure that is the acid test for this young man being a good or not so good person.
I hope the parents get to meet this young man soon enough.
OP is not judging the young man for his father’s actions to say that she is concerned. Which would you prefer: your child to date the child of a convicted felon or that of a regular joe in the community? Obviously, most of us would choose the latter and would be concerned about the former.
This is why I and many others suggested the mother try to get to know the son.
The OP for one said it made her uncomfortable that the boyfriend doesn’t have a social media presence. That’s just one conclusion.
Others have stated he’s a safety risk and that’s terrible to say.
I think you’re naive to think that looking at social media will give you clues about somebody. Social media is a lot of “look at me” where people bend the truth to look good.
I don’t care how a person is raised. I care about who that person is and what they represent.
Coming to conclusions, based on parent’s actions, is not good.
You gave no information about what the prospective date is like. I wouldn’t date somebody based on who their parent is.
I would prefer to date somebody who is kind and is good for me.
No. That is not a conclusion. You’re in grad school?
I’m the one who mentioned safety. Either you didn’t read my entire post, or you read into it something I didn’t say, or you have a problem with reading comprehension. Go back and reread my entire post. I did not state that he’s a safety risk.
Here’s a summary: My concern is always my D’s safety. BF is not necessarily a safety risk, but I too would be thinking about what could go wrong. OP should try to meet the bf, and give her D a chance to make her own judgements.
@marks5400 We get it. Everyone who has shown any support or concern along with the OP is wrong. You’ve made your point. Move on. Don’t hijack the thread.
(spidey senses tingling here also!)
The lack of photos would concern me also. I get the avoidance of social media (sometimes, I wish my kids were there!), however, they haven’t taken a single picture together? Not a selfie? Not in front of {campus landmark} ? Not at a formal?
OP, can you meet him? I would start there.
Well I am going to jump in and say that I am completely judgmental regarding this situation. My kids were raised to believe in their gut and understand where someone is coming from and what motivates them. There are dangerous people in the world and everyone needs to understand the implications of actions. Marry someone whose father is a murderer( implied) and at best you are missing an essential family link, at worst you are going down a path that could take you into personal danger.
Cycles of violence in families are statistically valid. Yes, he might be perfectly nice and escaping a problematic family but that brings issues too. For me, the OP has ever reason to be extremely concerned. How to communicate this to her daughter?
I would talk to my kid about Recognizing that every act of violence leaves an impact on not only the victim but also community members and the family of the convicted felon.
I have no issue at all with OP’s concern. I would feel the same.
Not having a social media presence is a plus in my book. Zero issue there.
Saying that it makes somebody uncomfortable is coming to a conclusion.
Why even say he is not necessarily a safety risk? Why even mention safety risks about a kid who did nothing wrong?
You said the daughter’s safety is at stake and to read a book about fearing people.
Again, you came to a conclusion that the boyfriend should be feared and that the daughter’s safety is at stake. That makes me sad some people think that way.
The son is not being judged for not having a social media presence, or for apparently avoiding having his photograph taken. The mom felt it was unusual for a person his age, and knowing her daughter, unusual for her not to have taken a selfie together, and specifically called it “not a red flag on its own”. Attacking the OP or other posters for “judging” the son for it is a straw man attack, intellectually dishonest (looking at grad students who should know better).
But the OP felt there might be a reason for it, and lo and behold, there is a reason, and it’s not a good one - the family name being notorious for the father having committed several crimes, at least of them a “depraved” crime, according to the OP, the father publicly suspected of being a psychopath and the mother for having been involved in a cover up.
NO ONE says it’s the sons fault. Lots of PPs have commented on the social media and photography avoidance being entirely understandable on the sons part. The story made the national news after all and is easily googleable.
However, the reason may not only be that the son does not want to be associated with the father in people’s minds, but the fact that anyone publicly associated with the father might be unsafe (there was a recent revenge killing on the news, of a (completely uninvolved) son for crimes his father was alleged to have committed, can’t remember the exact story right now). So yes, being associated with the son may be a safety risk, even without wondering whether and when the father may get out. And is, again, NOT the sons fault, but a perfectly reasonable concern for the OP.
With the father, as of now, out of the picture, I might be somewhat concerned about the mother, too - the one who married an alleged psychopath in the first place and was suspected of being involved in a cover up. Does the son have a relationship with her? Will he want his girlfriend/possible future family to have a relationship with her? Does the mother still have a relationship with her husband? What if the father got out and wanted her to facilitate a relationship with his son? Whose side might the mother be on? Speculating this far because the daughter has announced things “getting serious”.
And yes, there are reasons to be concerned about the sons upbringing, again without any of this being the sons fault. Homeschooling your kid in a rural location means, among other things, that you have absolute control over the child’s environment and experiences, without the child having a chance for outside references concerning what’s considered normal or right or wrong, which is in fact one of the reasons why people do it. I don’t feel the world we live in is so great that children need to experience all aspects of it, and i am sure that there are rural homeschoolers who construct wonderful childhoods for their homeschooled kids, but this convicted felon, suspected psychopath and his wife? I leave you to your own deductions.
Sorry for probably making the OP feel even worse. But you need to have your concerns validated in order to watch out for your daughters safety. By all means, keep the concerns for yourself for now, tell your kid what a wonderful young man the bf must be for having overcome all that, and you can’t wait to meet him. Keep your house and heart and mind open, but trust your instincts, they were right so far.
Nobody has ever said anybody is wrong. All we said is it makes us sad people come to conclusions about the boyfriend based on his non-existent social media presence and the actions of his parents.
I have not hijacked the thread. I am simply staying my opinions with many other parents agreeing with me.
Not everybody likes taking photos. Nothing odd about that.
Nobody is attacking anybody. All we are saying is don’t judge somebody based on their parent’s actions. That’s All.
Best comment on this thread.
@mark54000 You’ve made your point.
And so have others. That doesn’t mean you can’t keep the discussion going.
If was agreeing with others here you would welcome the discussion. Please don’t shut down others when they disagree with you.
Someone let me know when the kiddies go back to school…
In practical terms, this guy is a senior, so hopefully he has one semester left. This may be the point when the relationship either is finished, or goes into the next phase (like moving in together). If it’s the latter, it’s very reasonable for you to want to meet the BF. I think it’s best to keep low profile and try not to alienate your daughter until then. The photos won’t really tell you anything about the guy.
The takeaway I am getting is that OP’s DD better get a photo emailed and a personal introduction in the works. That’s at the very least. A little more transparency wouldn’t hurt either.
Until those happen, OP can’t help it if the only information available to her happens to be an extremely worrisome Google search. As a mom myself, I can’t blame OP for being desperate for more information.
I am close to my own DD, so if she suddenly started getting secretive, that would be a red flag. I would probably assume she is hiding something, and the fact is, she doesn’t hide good stuff. OP’s DD may or may not do the same.
If OP’s DD is “getting serious” with this guy, it is in her best interests to do what it takes to get her parents on board. Sure, it is an awkward and unusual situation, but her lack of communication isn’t helping her cause.