Completely false. Everything you said there ^^^. False.
And I won’t be responding to you any more, as I can see that you are not a reasonable person. << Now, that’s a judgement and a conclusion based on your actions.
It’s not false. It’s what the OP and you said. I didn’t make anything up.
Exactly. Photos tell you nothing about a person.
The actions of a person tells you what you need to know.
@My3Kiddos I completely understand where you are coming from.
It’s a red flag. It doesn’t mean that the young man is also going to commit criminal acts, but his background would worry me too.
I’m concerned about several things. First - your daughter’s reaction/response to your questions. I wouldn’t expect such a vague, blase response. It’s like she doesn’t care or isn’t acknowledging that this could be an issue. I’d rather even an overly defensive response than this nonchalant response. At least that would mean she’s thought about the situation and is choosing to move forward.
Second - the lack of pictures absolutely bothers me. Kids take pictures. Many, many pictures. Pictures of food, pictures of themselves, pictures of their friends, pictures of dogs - they take pictures of everything on a daily basis. Pictures are like language to kids. I can’t believe she doesn’t have a picture of the two of them (or of him) on her phone especially if the relationship is getting serious… Doesn’t mean she has to share it on social media. That’s odd and seems very restrictive.
Finally, I would jump to the same scenario as you with the background issues - what has he seen in life? What was his childhood background? How does his background affect him emotionally? How does his background affect the way he interacts with, thinks about and/or treats my daughter? How does his background affect the way my daughter interacts with and treats him?
Apparently, she can’t take pictures of him. What else is off limits or limited with him? How does this affect her relationship with friends - do they have mutual friends? Can they be with people who might take/share his picture? If not, does he limit where they can go or do things with? That seems hard. Intense. And why limit yourself like that when you’re 21 and have only known this person for a few months?
Is it possible I’m getting ahead of myself - yes. Do I think you should meet him to form more informed judgments? yes. But do I have any issues with where your initial thoughts are headed - nope. Perhaps I’ve watched to many TV shows or listened to too many podcasts, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there was something in Dad’s background that influenced his choices in life.
Not all kids take pictures on a daily basis of anything and everything. It’s not odd if you choose not to do that.
Also, you said the boyfriend’s background bothers you. It’s the parent’s background that should bother you, not the innocent kid.
Or it could simply be an attempt to shut down the conversation because the daughter is aware the parents might overreact.
I wouldn’t stereotype an entire generation. Many young people don’t constantly take photos. Mine do only occasionally. Some of their friends and some of my nieces and nephews don’t at all. Then again, some of my nieces are selfie queens. There is a wide range here between zero social media/photos and too much and all are within the range of acceptable. (Personally, I don’t get the oversharing myself - seems narcissistic)
We don’t know that the daughter can’t take pictures of him. That shouldn’t be the conclusion just because photos weren’t shown.
As far as all these other questions, perhaps this is what the daughter wants to avoid by not engaging in a conversation about it.
IMO, if the OP is concerned and/or wants to know more, make a trip down to daughter’s college and invite the two out for lunch or coffee and meet him in person. Stressing out about this and speculation are not productive or helpful.
@My3Kiddos When is the next time you will be visiting or vice versa? Can you meet him then? That may alleviate some of your worry—seeing them interact, etc.
Ummmm, no, that is not a conclusion.
“I’m uncomfortable that the boyfriend does not have a social media presence, because not having one means that he is a bad person.” THAT would be a conclusion.
Instead, she is saying that because she cannot learn anything about this young man at all, either through her D or through the internet, her imagination is all too free to go through all kinds of potential scenarios that might not be good for her D. No conclusions at all, good or bad-which is what is causing her anxiety.
It’s not a terrible thing to say. There are all sorts of possibilities that could in fact put the boyfriend in jeopardy, and by extension, the OP’s daughter. Worrying about this possibility is not the same as saying that the son is dangerous or that it is a foregone conclusion that he presents a safety risk. Parents worry about their kids in the best of circumstances, and since the OP has so little solid information about this bf and his situation, her mind is left to go to scary places. Parents often worry about “what-ifs”
That’s irrelevant to this discussion. The OP does care-she worries about the fact that this bf was raised by a psychopath and a mother unwilling or unable to stand up to him. How a person is raised can be very relevant to “who that person is.” The OP doesn’t have a clue how these awful circumstances affected this young man; the daughter is being vague. So mom is worried. She doesn’t conclude that his life has made him a bad person. She cannot, however, with the information she has, know that he hasn’t been horribly affected by his upbringing in ways that could ultimately hurt her daughter. Hence, not knowing is worrying to her.
You can be "sad"all you want, but that is not going to make parents stop worrying about the well being of their children. It’s in our DNA to worry and want to protect. The issue here is not worrying. The issue is what to do about it. Once our children are adults, there are boundaries that must be respected. The OP must be careful about how she expresses her concerns, if at all. Many of us have stated that until she meets this young man (with an open mind), there really isn’t a lot she can do to evaluate the situation. She cannot stop her D from dating him, she cannot make any conclusions at all about the kind of person he is-she cannot conclude that he is bad, and she cannot conclude he is good or a decent match for her D.
Until she meets this man, she is going to worry. I won’t “judge” her for that, and I suggest you not either.
I was talking about concluding that she is uncomfortable about the boyfriend not having a social media presence. I really hope others aren’t uncomfortable around me because I don’t have a social media presence. I also hope you don’t think you can learn about people based on their social media presence.
Yes, it is terrible to say the boyfriend is a safety risk to the daughter when the boyfriend did nothing wrong.
The OP’s husband isn’t worrying and said to trust their daughter. Based on the daughter’s responses, she seems like a very intelligent young woman.
Worry about anything and everything is not only unhealthy, but it’s not a good way to live.
This is the ‘Parent Cafe’ forum, right? Just checking.
This is the ‘Parent Cafe’ forum, right? Just checking.
But, it IS odd for this girl. The original post says so.
So, this girl is a “picture taker” and has NO pictures of a person with whom she is getting serious, that’s concerning, because she’s acting out of character for an extended period of time.
Her boyfriend doesn’t want to take any pictures - fine. But why limit her picture taking to zero if it’s something she normally does? Sounds controlling to me.
My spidey sense wonders why @Mark54000 keeps insisting that “the boyfriend did nothing wrong” (posts 36, 42, 99, 110, 129). No one claimed he did anything wrong.
I agree that the OP could get a better feel for the situation by meeting with them for lunch, … and observing their relationship firsthand.
Myself and others already stated that. We don’t like that the boyfriend is being judged, based on his parent’s actions.
Maybe the boyfriend doesn’t like taking pictures and she is respecting his wishes?There are lots of reasons.
That’s not controlling. That’s called respecting other people’s wishes.
@doschicos, the OP specifically stated that the lack of selfies including the bf was unusual for her daughter. So it’s a reasonable conclusion that the lack of selfies including the bf is, in fact, specifically due to the bf not wanting to be photographed. Which would be totally fine without the backstory, some people just don’t like it. Which is totally understandable with the backstory, But which appears already to be a way the relationship has changed the way the daughter interacts with the world. Again, a reasonable concern.
I’m concerned for the daughter of the OP.
If the innocent kid witnessed some horrible things as a young child or was treated badly over time by his parents because of the parents’ psychological issues, it may affect him forever - emotionally and psychologically, and it may affect the way he treats his girlfriend.
I’m not saying it’s 100% true in this case. I don’t know any of the people here, nor am I privy to the crime(s) involved, I’m saying I understand why the OP is concerned.
Yup.
As a parent, I don’t wait for something to “go wrong” before I decide whether the person DD is dating is a bad person or not. You don’t wait until you’re in a car accident to put on your seat belt, do you?
I gather whatever information I can, and estimate preliminary possibilities. I will reserve judgment until I get to know them, but no guy is annointed a saint, free and clear, until that happens.