<p>Kelsmom: you are SO not a loser in life. You gave your kids something that was, and is, priceless: your time. The only thing you’re lacking now is confidence.</p>
<p>This discussion has come up thousands of times and will continue to do so and the results are always the same: there is no right answer for everybody. You do your best.</p>
<p>I was a SAHM for twenty years. I did actually work part time while they were in school, but was always there when they were home. My career probably suffered, but my children thrived and so did I. I, of course, was lucky that my husband never died or divorced me and I didn’t have to prove my opinion that if I needed to, I could find a job and support my family.</p>
<p>The rewards I received of doing the best I could with my most important job which was raising those kids is what I lived for. We could have had a fancier house, expensive vacations or luxury cars, but I honestly don’t think that would have brought us more happiness. </p>
<p>My reward is that now that my children are having children, the couples have chosen to have a stay at home parent rather than continue with both careers and use daycare. They have told me that our example was what showed them what was important in life. It isn’t for everybody. I agree some couples need both incomes and some parents need the satisfaction of a career. But it certainly worked for us</p>
<p>Excellent post #94, HImom. Bitterness is a choice. So why choose it? </p>
<p>I was a SAHM for many years, have paid the price in terms of my career, and I’m fine with that. No one gets everything she/he wants. I don’t earn much money but do have a job that satisfies me much of the time, one that I know makes a profound difference to the people my organization serves. Would it be wonderful if I earned a ton of money and got respect everywhere I went? Absolutely. Am I content to have traded that for the years I spent at home with my young children? Absolutely. Should everyone make the same choices I made? Absolutely not.</p>
<p>One size does not fit all, though in discussing this issue (and many others) over the years on CC, I have come to realize there will always be those who really, really believe that it does.</p>
<p>kelsmom, you are not a loser. You and your family are all the beneficiaries of your choice to be home for them.</p>
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<p>If it makes you feel any better, a lot of us are in this situation–even if we never took time off to raise our kids. Sadly, many of us have not had a straight upward trajectory in our careers, or we work in fields in which salaries have gone down, not up.</p>
<p>For every mother who regrets having been a SAHM, how many have regretted putting their careers first while their kids were little? I know my sisters did</p>
<p>Absolutely no regrets about working when my children were little. I never agonized over yes/no. It was just the way it was. When daughters were old enough to realize some of their friends had SAHMs, we just emphasized there are many ways to be a family.</p>
<p>There is absolutely no perfect choice for those families not comprised of two independently wealthy people marrying each other. The rest of us can only do the very best that we can with the situation before us, never forgetting that it could change at any minute without our consent.</p>
<p>I always worked because my husband made barely above minimum wage in the early years. Bitter and enraged were my only two moods. In my area at that time, moms didn’t work. I can’t tell you how many things my oldest was left out of because of that. My own sister and SIL turned their noses up at me. In those years I never went out without the kids, I mean never. I didn’t attend weddings, didnt go on dates with my husband and I compulsively counted every minute I spent commuting away from the kids. I just couldn’t forgive myself. My husband and I worked separate shifts so one of us could always care for them, but he ended up being the SAHP in actuality. I was very envious and it took me years to realize that it was very much for the best because he was good at it and I am not. Eventually we got to the point where we were both making very good money and time had done its thing, making my babies fine, upstanding young adults and I could look back on it and say that things had worked out in what was likely the best way possible. With no planning on our part. Now the kids are grown and almost grown and hubby has a secure, well paying job but my field is in chaos and only God knows what will happen.</p>
<p>The one thing I always tell my girls is that if there is any alternative other than working alternate shifts, they should avoid that because in my experience, it is devastating to a marriage.</p>
<p>In our society, the question for women seems to be should I stay home, work part time, or work full time and hope to find child care that we can afford. It still seems to fall to the woman to make the choice and sacrifice her early earning years for her family. This is the reality, even though there are outliers of husbands taking on the part-time role or staying at home. When you hear about a husband staying home, it’s unusual- although I do know one couple who did this and raised two great kids.
Does anyone think this will ever change in the US? Will the burden always be on the woman to make it work? This isn’t how many look at it ( I was a SAHM without regrets, personally, but my temperament is such that it worked for me.) but it is the reality. </p>
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And what about the husbands? Did they regret putting their careers first?</p>
<p>This question seemed easy to me when I was raising my kids. We all make choices, right? But a surprising number of young women are looking toward their futures with some difficult decisions ahead with no right answers and deciding kids just aren’t something they can juggle and feel good about. And it’s the educated, smart women that are making the choice not to have kids.
It seems like the deck is stacked against our young women. Our young men can find someone else to marry who will put her career on hold for the family. They don’t have to make the choice.
We really haven’t progressed that much in this regard in 40 years.</p>
<p>This question seemed easy to me when I was raising my kids. We all make choices, right?</p>
<p>Same, I felt fortunate to have the choice and to be perfectly honest I never wanted kids until I had a house and a husband with an income that allowed me those options.</p>
<p>The one thing I always tell my girls is that if there is any alternative other than working alternate shifts, they should avoid that because in my experience, it is devastating to a marriage.</p>
<p>I agree. My husband worked swingshift for years, forced overtime of at least two weekends a month, and sometimes longer days as well. We couldn’t afford child care ( our kids are 8 yrs apart, so we needed it longer than many families would have)and we didn’t have any outside help from either of our families.</p>
<p>Maybe, but not in my generation and not in the next. Beyond that, who knows? </p>
<p>We do not value mothers or families in this society. If we did, we wouldn’t be one of four nations in the world that do not provide paid maternity leave.</p>
<p>In some ways I wish I had had my kids younger, before my career really started. Then I wouldn’t have faced the tradeoffs at a time in which women (and men) without kids in my field were able to put in the extra hours, travel and demonstrate more ambition than I was able to.</p>
<p>I worked part time for a few years when my kids were really little, but my husband was a grad student and it was just unsustainable. I was glad to be working full time by the time we split up. I do regret not being able to be more like my mom–a SAHM who baked her own bread, did a lot of crafts, was a Girl Scout troop leader, etc.–but I try to emulate her in every way possible. That’s probably why I still make my daughter’s breakfast and lunch every day, and indulge her love of shopping (not so much buying–just endless time at the mall, which I loved with my mom too). </p>
<p>I do have one huge regret–being awful about documenting their childhoods with photos and scrapbooks. I also blame this on the switch from film to digital photography. I have lots of images on hard drives and memory cards, but not nearly enough printed out.</p>
<p>One thing about working that I think is very good–both my kids respect me for trying (at least) to do it all on my own. My son appreciates young women who are self-sufficient and motivated and my daughter is THE most responsible kid I have ever known. Despite things not being perfect, I think they have turned out OK. :)</p>
<p>Mine does too, even though I stayed home. I have made sure he realizes that the woman he marries (has married, now) will have tough choices, as with either choice, it will be harder for her because she is the one expected to sacrifice her career or feel bad about not being able to do it all. I think he gets it. He’s not expected to have to choose.</p>
<p>My daughter totally understands the trade-offs, and at this time has decided that, unfortunately, children will most likely not be in her future. I know she is conflicted about this, but she can’t imagine earning enough in her field during her child-bearing years to afford quality day-care, and she can’t imagine being dependent on someone else to support her and her children. I’d love to assure her I’ll be there to take care of the little ones, but even that isn’t likely, given my health.</p>
<p>I was in the fortunate position to be able to be at home with my girls, with a profession that allowed me to practice at home and control the frequency of work so that it didn’t interfere with being a mom. My H was in a career that would have made it very difficult for me to have been working full-time. The long hours required in his career came with many perqs but he and most of his colleagues had SAHMs. In our neighborhood, it was the norm for most moms to be at home. That is no longer the case for my Ds’ generation.</p>
<p>For many years, I volunteered a number of hours in the schools and community that almost equaled a full-time job. I enjoyed every minute of it, truly, and in many ways, miss those days a lot. My D who is a mom is not really in a position to stay home. We are fortunate here in Ontario that employers are required by law to give their employees a year of maternity leave with the ability to return to the same position. Our (un)employment insurance provides benefits for a year for 60% of salary, and either mom or dad can take the leave, or they can split it. Some employers top up the benefits so that the financial hit isn’t felt as much. The school board that my D works for allowed her to take an additional six months (unpaid) so that her D was 18 months when she entered daycare. Many teachers do that here.</p>
<p>Moonchild: You are really passing that idea on to your children? It is exactly this type of thinking we should stop perpetuating and passing on to our children! Women should not be the one to face tough choices any more than the father. It should be both parents making a shared decision on how to best make a living and take care of the children. </p>
<p>I am speaking as a mother and the primary bread winner. My husband made some career sacrifices as I had the better income. In exchange, he took over most of the child care and household duties. I get frustrated as well with the term “Mr. Mom.” Why can’t it be just “Dad?”</p>
<p>I totally agree!!
No, I’m not passing this idea on. It’s certainly the mainstream thinking, and I wanted him to be aware that he shouldn’t just take it for granted that his wife would make the sacrifices -as his own mom did. Just want to make sure that my son appreciates the position his wife is in, no matter what he does for a living or what they decided between them.</p>
<p>A lot of young men do expect that their wives will work full time and manage the house and kids. Yes, they do. I’ve met them, and I don’t want my son to be one of them.</p>
<p>And then there is the “option C.” Married out of college. Son born when she was 36 and I was 38. Both had professional jobs/income. I suggested we both make career compromises. She wasn’t on board for that. </p>
<p>I filed when son was 5 months old. Moved out. Bought a crib. Never looked back.</p>
<p>Fast forward. Mom never remarried, but has a hell of a career. I married a couple of years after the divorce. All three (bio-mom, dad and step-mom) get along. My ex (bio-mom) has told me that every other weekend had really worked for her.</p>
<p>My now 25 yo son and I are tight. I have a great son, life and wife (of now over 22 years). Bio-mom seems to be happy with how it turned out after the fact.</p>
<p>Now that Son is in a serious relationship, I have broached the fact that he does not have to think he is predestined for divorce. I point out that I’m a serial monogamist and my wife has provided the mothering. He has acknowledged that some women don’t seem cut out for raising the child they birth.</p>
<p>Like me, it is likely the wife will look at it as the position they are both in, not just her. I don’t find the assumption of the wife sacrificing her career as mainstream anymore. In my neighborhood, we have several stay at home dads. </p>
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<p>Sadly, I see this as well…Thanks for making sure your son doesn’t get those ideas.</p>
<p>“He has acknowledged that some women don’t seem cut out for raising the child they birth”</p>
<p>My MIL was that way. She was an awful mother and was the first to say she should never have had kids. She worked in an office for a while late in life and it was the only time she was truly happy. Young women need to know it is ok to not want to be a parent. Up young men, too.</p>
<p>Working mothers raise their children too. As do working fathers. I’m tired of the assertion that I didn’t raise my children because I wasn’t there 24/7 - my husband wasn’t either but no one accuses him of not raising his children or being less of a father.</p>
My D who is a mom is not really in a position to stay home. We are fortunate here in Ontario that employers are required by law to give their employees a year of maternity leave with the ability to return to the same position. Our (un)employment insurance provides benefits for a year for 60% of salary, and either mom or dad can take the leave, or they can split it. Some employers top up the benefits so that the financial hit isn’t felt as much. The school board that my D works for allowed her to take an additional six months (unpaid) so that her D was 18 months when she entered daycare. Many teachers do that here.</p>