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THat is one of the aspects of parenting that one can’t fully understand without having been a parent.</p>
<p>Getting back to the OP, only possibility I can dream up, and even that is a stretch, is that your D didn’t really give her roommates the heads up she told you she did and she blamed you for coming up to the room unexpectedly. Maybe they are trying to prove that your D told them something that wasn’t true.</p>
<p>The roommates wanting to Skype could also be to say sorry that the place was a mess and could you please give them a little more notice next time. Regardless, this is clearly something they should be discussing with D, not you! Could also be that the roommates had to scramble behind your back to hide incriminating evidence. Or there could have been some kind of miscommunication about the time of your arrival, with the roommates thinking that your D would get back to them with the specific time and D thinking it was enough to say you’d be there at some point. </p>
<p>My kids usually mentioned to their roommates as a courtesy that we were planning to come up to the room or apartment. But even if that didn’t happen, IMO it’s a little much to be SO bent out of shape - unless there’s a lot more to the story.</p>
<p>ETA: I see you updated the OP. I still don’t get what they hoped to accomplish by talking to you.</p>
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<p>In the situation posted by the OP, the D telling her mother about the situation may have been because she was angered, sadder, and confused about the reactions of her 3 roommates and she felt it was natural to confide that to her mother because her mother has made herself available to do that in the past and she’s following a natural part in the parent-child relationship. </p>
<p>Another dimension to this is that as the parent who’s older, has more perspective/life experience, and hopefully wants to keep communication lines with her child open, some forbearance to a point is necessary towards her younger D at this point in her life considering she’s just a few years removed from HS. </p>
<p>From observing many parent-child relationships and hearing about many more from both the parent(s) and child(dren) involved, the parents who pull the “my feelings are hurt” in this/similar situational contexts tend to be the same ones who later wonder why they’re the last to hear about their child’s troubles or why their child no longer communicates with them at deep level one would expect in a parent-child relationship/at all. </p>
<p>When they do that, I’m mentally going “What did you expect when you told them earlier while they were HS kids or young adults just a few years removed from HS “my feelings were hurt” when they were confiding to you their low points with a correspondingly low more vulnerable emotional state?”</p>
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<p>I disagree with bringing it up while the child or younger relative/friend is in the act of confiding to you or while the situation is still ongoing/unresolved. </p>
<p>From my observation, saying that during that period is a good way to ensure the child or younger relative/friend stops confiding in you and turns to others.</p>
<p>Again, cobrat, I have to point out that you don’t know. You get a nibble and take off. You didn’t get that OP said apt, not dorm, you don’t know the extent or depth of the conversations between mom and girl…but you have a POV. Fine. Done.</p>
<p>“Observing?” I’ve watched war movies, thought about them, and won’t pretend to know what it’s like to be on the ground. You have opinions, but not the experience parenting, can’t judge. You are not on this same ground. Your opinions can distract. Too many times, I think distractions on CC are unfair to the OP. When it becomes repetitively about one person’s thoughts and untested notions, it takes away from the OP.</p>
<p>“I don’t think cobrat understand how much we support our kids, teach them perspective, help them grow their own coping skills, etc, through interaction.”</p>
<p>Yes, this can be hard to understand until you experience it yourself. Through all the years of constantly sacrificing and putting your needs behind the kids, when they say something hurtful, they absolutely need that feedback from the people they spend the most time with. Because if they can get away with abusing the people who love them completely, just think of how inconsiderate they will be with anyone else.</p>
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I just do not believe this. I don’t for one minute believe that parents single you out to discuss their relationships with their children. Because if they did, you might have gained some insight and understanding along the way, but you haven’t.</p>
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Nonsense. When children know that their parents are actual human beings, they are able to have a deeper and more honest relationship. It is when the parents insist on superficial communication that there is no real relationship. I suspect that is what you experienced because you have it all backward.</p>
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I also don’t believe for one minute that the OP’s daughter will find this situation to be a “low point” in her life. May she be so blessed.</p>
<p>“The roommates wanting to Skype could also be to say sorry that the place was a mess and could you please give them a little more notice next time.”</p>
<p>I do wonder if that was the case. That’s really the only thing that makes sense to me. Nobody wants to confront a parent, do they?</p>
<p>"When they do that, I’m mentally going “What did you expect when you told them earlier while they were HS kids or young adults just a few years removed from HS “my feelings were hurt” when they were confiding to you their low points with a correspondingly low more vulnerable emotional state?”</p>
<p>That’s one of the weaker arguments I’ve heard. I’m not supporting parents who are going overboard, making drama constantly about any little thing, but this is absolutely not the case, and nobody is supporting that. Yes, at some point, kids do realize that it’s not always all about them, all the time. Thankfully.</p>
<p>In fact, this is so silly to argue against, that I’m going to work!</p>
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That was what I thought, too. My mother (who is not well) and brother visited D at her college this weekend. It was an epic production, planned for weeks. My Mom believes that this is as close as she will come to being able to attend D’s graduation, so she was determined to get there. My D was in such an uproar about this that she had the two roommates (townhouse) up early Saturday morning to clean the house spotless. Then she told them how to dress and let them be presented to my mother before she required they leave so she could serve lunch to my family. Thankfully, the girls are very good friends (and fine people) who understood how important this was to my D and humored her. Lesser women would never have put up with that. I’m not sure I would have put up with it.</p>
<p>I probably wouldn’t have, BD. </p>
<p>My roommate’s father would occasionally come down and “inspect” our apartment. He did not contribute financially to the apartment or his D’s education and really had no right to criticize our apartment. Yes, our apartment was messy. Between the three of us, we were getting 5 degrees and working six jobs. We would clean but it would never be up to his standards and I refused to put anything on hold to appease him. </p>
<p>The last time he came, he walked into MY closed room while I was at work (roommate was in the bathroom) and began to yell about it. I drew the line there and he was no longer allowed in our apartment (roommate agreed). He didn’t return in the year and half more we lived together.</p>
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<p>I’m not disagreeing with all cases of giving such feedback when a child has hurt the feelings of a parent. </p>
<p>I’m just disagreeing with doing so in the course of a child or a younger relative/friend confiding a low point and/or a confusing one where they’re making themselves more vulnerable by being open enough to confide in such a manner. </p>
<p>That’s one situation where the focus needs to be on the confider and his/her feelings….especially if they’re younger.</p>
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<p>The suggestion for OP to tell her D about “hurt feelings” came from another CC poster, not the OP herself. </p>
<p>A poster whose views I disagreed with in OP’s D’s situational context.</p>
<p>When I first became a mom, I joked, if everyone knew in advance how hard this is, people might stop having kids. It’s more than 24/7. It’s everything. To lecture another, without having gone through this, based on some tangential experiences, is presumptuous. I guess I am pretty mad.</p>
<p>We do jump on some parent and student posters- I don’t like it, when it’s from the get-go, before the storyline develops. But some take such odd stands, make such unsupportable statements, that it becomes open turf. No, we are not being bullies like the roommates. But yes, we are reacting.</p>
<p>I think OP may not have the real full details-- I can imagine even a word or two throwing off the view. BUT I’ll make it clear I think she cares very much about her girl, is in good communication with her- and knows when and how to ebb and flow.</p>
<p>Let’s not make this the cobrat thread.</p>
<p>Btw, if you want a one-way “confide,” where the other just nods his head, makes no commentary, go to the confession booth.</p>
<p>Wow, sounds like there are many possible scenarios that could have been at play. Hope it was some of these other ones, where the girls were surprised and perhaps embarrassed that the place wasn’t as neat as they would have liked. It’s always sensitive when we visit our kids and we try to give notice and they and anyone living with them always tries to be considerate about visitors.</p>
<p>D had a room mate whose sister came for a several week stay (I know not the same as a few hours visit by OP). D got a bit tired of it, but didn’t want to spoil the friendship and never said anything, even though the sister was very messy and left food around. The friendship is still intact, which D is happy about.</p>
<p>There is NOTHING in the OP’s posts to suggest that her daughter was at a “low point” or exceedingly “vulnerable.” In fact, the OP’s daughter said she “felt bad having to tell her Mom this” because she knew that the one hurting in the scenario would be Mom. </p>
<p>Honestly, suggesting that if the mother chose to confirm her daughter’s suspicion that she would have her feelings hurt by this event is selfish or is going to result in a permanent break in the relationship where the daughter never again confides in her, or is “highly inappropriate” is just more hyperbole and quite frankly, one of the silliest things I’ve ever read here.</p>
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<p>+1 .</p>
<p>My point is to dispute this highly spirited and IMO, wrong for the situation advice:</p>
<p>Post #134:</p>
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<p>No reason to tell the mother any of this? Would this constitute good parent-child communication? I think not. </p>
<p>While I personally would have not told my mother/parents about this like the OP advised and told my roommates off myself, I completely disagree with that post or those who support it. </p>
<p>When facing situations as confusing or saddening/angering as OP’s D did, I don’t agree that “She had no reason to tell you any of this.”. If anything, what she did in the context of her relationship to OP seems natural and a better example of parent-child communication than what this poster proposed and what I’d have done in practice as an undergrad. </p>
<p>Incidentally, this part of the thread discussion is similar to this thread:</p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1580974-do-you-really-want-your-teen-honest-you.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1580974-do-you-really-want-your-teen-honest-you.html</a></p>
<p>Others may disagree, but in OP’s and D’s situation, I don’t think D was wrong for being honest in confiding about the situation with OP.</p>
<p>So, maybe PM Osprey. You made a point nearly all of us disagree with, made it again a few times more. Done. There is no good point in revising it a few more times. Say, “ok,” maybe add, “sorry for the hijack,” - and we can get back on track.</p>
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<p>Part of having a conversation on this thread is to respond to posters who dispute/disagree with other posters on posts related to OP’s and her D’s situation. </p>
<p>Seems you all do the same, especially on topics/issues you’re all passionate about. </p>
<p>Odd to see how I’m being singled out…especially by some wannabe Queen Bees. I’m so honored. :)</p>
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<p>Possibly. However, even that doesn’t justify the reported over-the-top and beyond-the-pale response of the 3 roommates. </p>
<p>I’ll admit to not being able to relate to this aspect of the OP’s situation as on average, boys/men, on average, aren’t held to the same neatness/cleanliness standards society expects from girls/women. Also, during my undergrad, a critical mass of classmates, regardless of gender, didn’t really care about winning any good housekeeping awards, either. Some did it in the name of being “environmentally friendly”…ha!</p>
<p>Queen Bees comment is uncalled for. I’m laying it on the table, but not because we’re mean girls. In many cases, parents want to relate this to other parents. You are not a parent, but telling us how it works. Admonishing. Predicting. </p>
<p>If you said, when this happened to me, I appreciated (or not) how my parent spoke to me, that gives us that personal perspective. When it goes outside of the parent-child experience, think about that. I’m done railing. Maybe someone else has a perspective.</p>
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<p>This seems to be your standard response lately to discourse which disagrees with your premises. It’s as if by name calling, you can invalidate the opinions stated. This thread isn’t about you.</p>
<p>BACK to the OP: OP says her daughter has moved on. I hope she did politely yet firmly inform the roommates that her mother will be a welcome, albeit infrequent, guest as is her right as a rent paying member of the household.</p>