<p>If I thought I had a group of friends and they went out without me and posted pictures on facebook of their outing without me I might figure out that they don’t really like going out with me. </p>
<p>This thread is making me glad that I don’t follow Facebook, even though I have one officially (but not in practice)…I don’t know about all the times I should have my feelings hurt…</p>
<p>I don’t think the potential for hurt feelings is a reason to spurn FB. It has other very useful applications: renewing/maintaining friendships, promoting ideas and disseminating news. It is not a medium that appeals to everyone, but for some of us it is an excellent method of communication and expression. </p>
<p>^^^True, and I think it’s how a lot of young people and also older people keep in contact. But for many, it really is all about showing off and finding a way to ease the hurts of the past by putting a nice fiction out there for “friends” to see. And I use the word “friends” lightly. Because most of us don’t REALLY have 400-600 or more friends.</p>
<p>I agree that rudeness depends on context. If you are inviting most of the members of a group to a party and leave out a few people who might have reasonably expected to been included, it is rude. If you went out to dinner with two college friends and didn’t happen to invite three others who also live in the area, it isn’t; most people don’t get together with all of their friends every time they go out.</p>
<p>Why either of these events need to be commemorated on facebook is another question. </p>
<p>Because why not? If people are going to be “offended” that I was in Cleveland on business and met up with a college friend and had dinner and posted a picture, then really … screw them. It’s not “commemorating” something by putting it on Facebook, or treating it like it’s Super Important. </p>
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<ol>
<li><p>Is it rude to post about a wonderful party you hosted with general friends if all local friends on FB are not invited??</p></li>
<li><p>Is it rude to discuss a social outing at work with some who are going in front of others who have not been invited?</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Or is it just me? Makes me feel excluded and hurt, frankly. I wouldn’t do it without making it clear that the party was for a birthday party for dh’s best friend, for instance, or some explanation of why others weren’t invited.</p>
<p>You?
<<<<<</p>
<p>I agree that all of the above are very insensitive to the feelings of others. It’s a trend that I’ve noticed for the last 10+ years. In the past, people seemed to have been better trained by their parents to know not to do this. </p>
<p>I have a friend whose child was very hurt when another child routinely talked about his upcoming Bday party in front of him (and also in front of my friend). Both parent and child naturally assumed that the child would be invited since so many details had been disclosed to him. When the party-date drew near, it was obvious that he had not been invited. Of course parent and child were very hurt and the parent told the Bday Boy’s mom about the situation. Bday Boy’s mom was completely insensitive, gave excuses, etc. Later, Bday Boy’s mom told me about the situation (which I already knew about), and I told her that her child’s behavior was wrong, and that they (BdayBoy and mom) would have felt the same hurt if the situation had been reversed. I told her that such behavior was rude and that she’d be well-advised to teach her kids not to do that in the future. </p>
<p>Honestly, has “teaching your kids good manners” become passe???</p>
<p>I had to go back and read VAsnowbird’s OP. Isn’t she talking about local friends letting other local friends know they were excluded from an event? Not about going out with out-of-state friends while on a business trip to Cleveland? Not about using facebook to let friends on the opposite coast know what you are up to on a daily (weekly, monthly) basis.</p>
<p>What do the posters here think about children’s birthday parties? Is it okay for your child to hand out 10 invitations during the school day in a classroom of 30? Is it okay for your child and another guest to do a show and tell, at school, about the birthday party later? </p>
<p>Also, I had to look up the meaning of rude. Discourteous. Ill-mannered. I think I interpret rude much as roshke does up-thread. Intent doesn’t really matter here to me. No one needs to feel obligated to include everyone all the time. No one needs to feel offended at being left out. The behavior described in the OP is still ill-mannered. imho</p>
<p>The question of whether VAsnowbird has a reason to feel hurt at being left out, is a different question than whether that behavior described is rude. In my mind that behavior is, without question, rude. </p>
<p>I am not sure if there are different standards for polite behavior on the internet, and especially facebook, than in real life and am willing to consider there may be. However, not in this case.</p>
<p>I decided to post again because young adults are reading and maybe it will be useful to them to consider another point of view. At least they have been made aware, some find this behavior rude. It is something I want my own kids to know.</p>
<p>ETA: I also agree with roshke about erring on the side of caution. That is why I won’t join facebook.</p>
<p>ETA: cross posted with mom2collegekids. We both thought of those children’s birthday parties! :)</p>
<p>Ok - I see your point. I can see being hurt. And I agree that some behavior is look-at-me. </p>
<p>Maybe I am wrong, but I think rude implies a purposeful social insensitivity. The first 2, and possibly the third, may be examples of social guffaws that would make Miss Manners cringe. But I would like to think we can enjoy our friends’ happiness and experience, not feel jealous. I have a friend who met an befriended another friend of mine at a function I hosted. So when I saw that they posted a holiday get-together and gift exchange, I had a momentary twinge of feeling excluded. But then I realized that it was great that they had become friends, and that this was not done to exclude me in any way. </p>
<p>Since when did we become so self absorbed that someone’s facebook post is taken as a personal slight? Its not, or should not be " all about me".</p>
<p>In my experience many are rude (ill-mannered, discourteous,) without a purposeful social insensitivity. If someone neglects to say please and thank you there may be no ill-intent, just a lack of manners (no one ever taught them this was expected)… assuming we all agree please and thank you are a reasonable expectation. Probably we don’t all agree on that.</p>
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<p>The other day, I was leaving a department store and held the door open twice for two women, who ignored me both times. I was just almost amused by their rudeness. It was petty of me, I know, but I said, “You are welcome!” with a soft chuckle, and one of them said, “Oh…thanks.” I kept walking and didn’t look back. I just cannot imagine not thanking someone who waits on me TWICE to make sure the door doesn’t slam on me. That’s rude in my book. One could say you shouldn’t do something nice with the expectation of getting anything in return, but I still find it obnoxious that someone could be so clueless/dismissive of a polite gesture.</p>
<p>Maybe its a matter of degree. To me, forgetting to say please and thank you may be poor manners, but it doesnt rise to the intensity of being rude. Rude has a harsher meaning to me.</p>
<p>Easy solution…close your Facebook account.</p>
<p>I suggested way upthread that they could unfriend those people. I’d refer you to the post number… if we had post numbers!!! ~X( </p>
<p>^^^^It’s really amazing to me that this web site cannot/will not figure out how to provide post numbers. Every other forum I’ve ever been a member of has this simple but very useful feature. </p>
<p>OK, I can definitely see where your example would qualify as rude, Nredb4. I think many people are in their own worlds and really self absorbed these days. Why do so many people not see past the nose on their own face? The other rude example is when people open a door and let it go, with it practically smacking the person behind them. Purposely ignoring someone is rude, but again that had the purposeful component to it.</p>
<p>Perhaps with the rise of social media, the manners and etiquette you would use in everyday life didn’t transfer completely. If I saw mutual friends going out, and I saw a picture on Instagram, I’d remark on how cute the picture is and then ask them how it was. I would feel left out for the moment, but I would get over it. Why? Because you can’t be invited to everything. There are times when people don’t want to hang out with a group of people, just one or two. Respect that and the next time plan your own outing. Simple enough. Life is too short to be huffing and puffing about missing events when you’re not invited to something. Especially, if you know it’s not out of spite. If the exclusion bothers you, speak up to them! Just casually bring up the excursion and express how you would’ve like to go. </p>
<p>If the fact that people post pictures of themselves hanging out with friends on Facebook, Instagram, or whatever bothers you, don’t look! Various posters have showed that is why they don’t use Facebook. I for one, do not post regularly. If I have a really good time, I’m going to post a picture of it. I have plenty of girls nights that I post pictures of and my friends who were not invited do not consider me rude. Rather they ask how the night went, just how I would do with them. </p>
<p>I understand my experience may be different than others. I follow only follow people who I care about and want to see pictures of. If I post a picture, I know those who see it want to see it and will enjoy it. Sure, call it self-absorbed. “Look at what I did this weekend!”. “Look at what I are for lunch!” Yes, look at what I did this weekend because I had fun and wanted to commemorate it, and I know you want to know what I’m up to. </p>
<p>To digress for a moment- what things do posters see on facebook that drive you nuts? Cat videos? Political rants? Selfies? </p>
<p>The example about not noticing something nice that someone does for you and then having them get in your face and say, "You’re welcome,’ in an obnoxious tine is both parties being rude in my book. J ust witnessed this one the other day. Lady one was lost in her own little world and lady two wasn’t having it. Of course, she should have had a little more awareness, but the need to make a fuss about a stranger’s supposed slight is also a tad over the top at times.</p>
<p>If non-inclusive FaceBook photos are rude, rude has become meaningless. Everyone does this. Not me, of course. </p>