S had sex with his GF in our house :(

Parent Cafe
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<p>Be aware of significant legals problems when there’s sex involving an underage teenager. In many states, if there is sex involving an underage teenager, the charge could result in sex offender status and that status is permanent / lifelong. In some states, one important aspect is the age difference between the two (like 14/18), but in other states it could be much tighter (15/17). There are incredibly sad stories about how lives are forever ruined because of these laws. </p>

<p>Be aware also that downloading pictures of underage teenagers in a bathing suit was once benign. Now it’s considered child pornography and this could land you in prison for >15 years. No kidding. Not knowing the law does not excuse you from its very harsh punishments. Please be sure to tell your kids, even if you think they’d never do such a thing.</p>

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<p>I can’t believe people would waste our legal system on something like this. People need to get a grip here. As a parent of 2 girls, under the circumstance, even if I was really upset, there is no chance of me publicly humiliating them in front of people. Of course there are a lot of psychos out there, not exactly rational people. Why just assume girl’s parents suing the boy, what about the other way around. Or do we always assume it’s the boy that coerced an innocent girl?</p>

<p>How did the girl’s parents find out about this?</p>

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<p>OP: It’s easy to look up the age of consent + close-in-age exceptions for your state online. More than likely, your son will not be at any legal risk – there ARE a few states with harsh laws in this area (like California, where it is always illegal for people under eighteen to have sex – even with each other), but most states are not like that. In fact, the most common age of consent in the United States is 16.</p>

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<p>FWIW (not much, I admit) my views -
bbgg, I have followed this thread from the beginning and I empathize with you.<br>
Stick to your guns. You had rules and they were broken. end of story.<br>
The fact that your son is in college is irrelevant. If he can’t follow the rules of the house he can move out.<br>
True story: when my brother was 24 my mother caught his 20 year old fiancee’ in bed with him in her home. She was livid. She also had a 17 year old still at home. The message was sent loud and clear and no unmarried couple ever expected to share a bed in her home.
You know what, we didn’t love her any less because of her rules.</p>

<p>Sounds like you have the lines of communication open and I commend you for that. If they want to speak to you together then I think that is very mature. Let them both have their say, but you don’t have to back down. I think it’s a great opportunity to talk about sex, love, commitment and maturity.
I think your son is lucky to have you for a mother.</p>

165

<p>We also have a house rule, while they were in high school, no one is allowed over to the house while we were out. D1, as a junior in college, has a boyfriend now. D1’s college boyfriend stays in a separate bedroom, complete with ensuite bathroom, in the basement when he visits. D1 knows better to have too much PDA in front of us. We also have a younger daughter still living at home. On the other hand, they do hang out in the basement. I don’t wake up in the middle of the night to check up on them. There was once where both of them were lying in her bed reading something with the door open. I quietly told D1 that I thought it was inappropriate. I didn’t get any push back from her. I left it up to her to speak with her boyfriend, not my place to do so.</p>

<p>D1 and I have very open relationship, but there is a line there. I don’t feel it’s appropriate for me to know when/where/who she had her first sexual encounter, especially once she is over 18. One thing about having grown children is it is important to have respect going both ways. If OP’s real concern is the son disobeying her on bringing a guest into the house without her permission, then why the interrogation of when/where they started their relationship. It is demeaning for a young man to have to tell his mother of details of his relationship with his girlfriend. </p>

<p>We still have a rule that they couldn’t share a room with boyfriends in our house (my husband is a lot more adament about it). Frankly, I don’t know if I would feel the same way once they are over 25, living with someone, would we still stick to our rule. But we will take it one step at a time.</p>

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<p>There are a lot of parents who realize that the kids will (and do) break their rules. They accept the behavior as long as they don’t have to know about it. This is very much the source of many of the “not under my roof” rules. I guess I just find it strange.</p>

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<p>Wow! I allowed this starting in fifth grade. The only exceptions were certain kids who were physically rough. Also, there was one girl who was illegally babysitting her younger sister after school (in our state, you have to be 13 to be left in charge of a child under 8, and this girl was only 11) who was only permitted to bring the younger child if I was home. I thought I might somehow be liable if the younger child was injured at my house when I was not there. I did let my daughter visit that girl’s home, though, even when the illegal babysitting situation was taking place. </p>

<p>Reading these threads, sometimes I think that I didn’t do any parenting at all.</p>

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<p>"We also have a house rule, while they were in high school, no one is allowed over to the house while we were out. </p>

<p>I had the same rule until my sons graduated from h.s. It’s easy for even normallly thoughtful youths to do stupid things when alone in a house and in the company of friends.</p>

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<p>To answer a couple of recent post question and concerns:
We are NOT assuming the girls parents are suing the boy. That speculation/concern was specifically raised in post 155, by the OP. Comments here aren’t based on “what we always assume”, but refer to possible lawsuits based on the OP’s specific concern. Her case is older M, minor F.
Plus, we are told by the OP in post 122 that GF was a minor. That wording indicates only the GF was a minor, or it would have been worded differently.</p>

<p>In a case where the bf is of the majority, and the gf is a minor, then the consequences(if any) legally are against the bf. It may not seem fair if we know she was a willing participant, but if the action does not meet the law’s criteria for consent, then yes, the BF is considered the perpetrator, and it is NOT dependent on the GF’s actions. Tough as it sounds, it is what used to be known as statutory rape. Her actions don’t count if she was a minor, under the legal age of consent.</p>

<p>Personally, I agree it comes under the “doesn’t seem fair” heading but if that’s the law in your state, then as a religious person(I am guessing Christian?) then for you it also comes under the heading: “Give unto Caesar things…”</p>

<p>Parents here are likely to remember the old Rob Lowe rape case from mid 80’s in Ga. He videotaped having sex with a 13 or 14 yr old girl. The age of female consent at that time in Ga. was 13(making the sex legal) but, a girl was not allowed to be photographed naked unless 18. So his conviction was for photographing her, and was a huge embarrassment, but small legal penalty.</p>

<p>Not by any means did I bring that up to indicate the OP had an exact situation. Only to remind OP and others here, age of consent varies from state-to-state, and that the minor if under the age of consent, is considered a victim not a partner.</p>

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<p>K, in most states, the consent has to do with the difference in age between the two partners. If its a 2 14 year olds, they won’t charge rape. If its an 18 and 14, maybe, but doubtful. If its a 16 and 17, please, that would be absurd. I know of a couple of cases where the young man was charged, and in both, he was black and she was white in a southern state. Yeah, racsim reared its ugly head.</p>

<p>As for “ignoring that they are breaking the rules” um. No. I just would surmise that most kids have broken parents rules. And we just don’t know about it because nothing horrid happened. If you aren’t home, and they have a guest over, and nothing terrible happened like house burning down, how you a parent know unless they had hidden cameras? </p>

<p>For parents to think their children haven’t gotten away with breaking of rules like having guests in when parents aren’t home, are in denial. Kids push limits and break rules. </p>

<p>For me, if I say, no more than 3 people over when we aren’t home, and they have 6, I know they don’t wnat to get in trouble, so they would be extra vigilant that nothing happened. </p>

<p>My kids had friends over when I wasn’t home all the time. It was okay with me. And 98percent of the time, all was well. Sure, we had events, and dramas, but that is part of rasing children. They can’t be kept in a bubble. And we as parents can’t pretend our kids are perfect.</p>

<p>We weren’t, and somehow we all survived.</p>

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<p>I think most of us are pretty realistic of what our kids are capable of. We discussed with our kids about why we didn’t want people over when we are out, and it’s just not a big deal with them. If they want to break a rule, it would be something bigger or more fun. We are home most of the time, so if they want to have friends over, all they have to do is to ask. </p>

<p>We also have a rule of not riding in friend’s car in high school. Instead of preventing them from going to places, we are committed in driving them to places until they get their license. Our record with D1 was 4 pickups in one night.</p>

<p>We are not perfect as parents and our kids are not perfect. But we do try not to put our kids in the position of having to lie to us. Kids lie as a survival instinct. We have experienced it ourselves, and we had to modify our behavior or expectation.</p>

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<p>If the son is attending a local community college, I am assuming that means he is living at home, not just home for a summer break.</p>

<p>If he is living 24/7 in his parent’s home, not paying rent and probably being fed by them and possibly they are paying for his college that does change the picture. He is in that limbo land of still functioning as a child, with parents taking care of everything, yet he is technically an adult.</p>

<p>This situation makes the trust & rules more important as it is likely to go on for the next year or two. Right at the moment when he wants to be most trusted to make good decisions he pulled this stunt instead. Frustrating for him and the parents that he had this lapse in judgment</p>

173

<p>You and your husband should rejoice that your son is making love to a girl and not a boy.</p>

174

<p>You and your husband should rejoice that your son is making love to a girl and not a boy.</p>

<p>You a bigot making a point?</p>

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<p>Actually they should only rejoice if they actually want grandkids some day.</p>

<p>They might prefer seeing their family line terminate at their son.</p>

<p>But hey personal freedom is way more important than preserving ones genes.</p>

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<p>I am coming to terms with the fact my son is having sex. I am still miffed that he lied to me to get into our house to have sex. But I am so thankful they did use two forms of protectiuon. Some of my teachings did not go out the window.</p>

<p>Very interesting, he has been very quiet about ‘the punishment’. He actually sat down with me yesterday and told me never dreamed how his misjudgement on the rules and even the sex could affect so many others.</p>

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<p>I don’t allow my college kids to have friends over when we are not home. My 21 yo had friends over and there was lawn furniture smashed in the backyard… plus they had alcohol and not all the kids were age 21. We are the homeowners and responsible.</p>

<p>But back to the issue at hand. It is so hard when our kids make choices that are different than what we know to be the best choices. They not only need to make those choices, but the ramifications need to be theirs and theirs alone. He needs to understand that if a child is created (if she forgets two pills in a month, pregnancy is possible), that you are not going to support the baby - and he will in all likelihood have to drop out of school, etc…</p>

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<p>susgeek</p>

<p>My S is and alwys been made very aware that a baby would require him finding fulltime emplyment, drop out of school etc.When you are that young it is pretty hard to beleive that something life changing like this could actually happen.</p>

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<p>^Its call LUST followed by love. </p>

<p>didn’t some Englishman write a famous short on young love in disobedience of their parents?</p>

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<p>They are clueless, one and all, about the consequences of a baby in their lives.</p>