<p>To my son ( her grandson) about me…</p>
<p>" I have NOOOOOO idea what your dad sees in your Mom! Could never figure it out! I am just not getting what he sees in her!"</p>
<p>This is one of the less mean/obnoxious things she has said done over the years! I actually feel sorry for her because she has no friends (go figure) and her family stays aways from her. She can not get along with anyone.</p>
<p>My MIL had an evolving series of grievances against me.</p>
<p>First, I wasn’t the daughter of her best (and only) friend, who (the daughter, that is) my husband was dating before he met me. Lovely girl, by the way.</p>
<p>Second, during the years when our kids were little and I was working part time or not at all, she was convinced that I was draining her son dry with frivolous purchases. No purchase was too petty to escape her withering scorn. When I bought a set of salt and pepper shakers (for around $20 at Home Goods) so I’d have something other than the yard sale tin shakers to use for company she said (at Thanksgiving dinner, in front of a large group of family) “Oh, I see you’ve bought ANOTHER set of salt and pepper shakers. I guess next you’ll need to add on another room to your house to keep your collection.” (This woman, whose husband was on the faculty of Harvard Medical School, rationed him to a single lemon for his tea each week–because “it’s so expensive.”)</p>
<p>Then, when I went back to work, she disapproved mightily of my taking a job and “leaving the children on their own.” (She never had a job, and announced the week after we had our first child that she was done with childcare and don’t even think of asking her to babysit.)</p>
<p>Finally, she resented the fact that our children 1) loved both their parents and 2) were not mentally ill (neither true for her kids). We took MIL and FIL to the airport on the day we put both kids on a plane for overseas studies. Later, at dinner, and while the kids were still in the air over the ocean, and trying to cheer myself up, I said “isn’t it amazing that both kids are heading off into the world with scholarships to study something they love.” And she said “Some people might say they just couldn’t wait to leave home.”</p>
<p>And yet in the final weeks of her life, as her strength and cognition slipped away, she reverted to the sweet funny woman that my FIL must have fallen in love with 60 years before. I’m so grateful to have that memory of her to hold on to and share with my husband.</p>
<p>I’m also wondering why some of the H’s haven’t grown the ■■■■■■■ to tell their moms in a very firm and no-nonsense manner to knock it off or expect to see them very, very rarely.</p>
<p>I can tell you that Mr. Ellebud has to be told to call his mother. She is dying. The phone call with the conniving K comment DID result in an apology. My children will tell you that their grandparents died in 1995. As hurtful as they were (and trust me they were horrible) she is living a really pathetic life. Mr. Ellebud has said, on more than one occasion, that I am loved…by him and our children. The same cannot be said about her and her life.</p>
<p>The only way that she is affecting our lives is that we are taking a different vacation than we were going to take, just in case. The thing is: I don’t hate her. I don’t care whether she lives or dies. At this point in our lives…she is worth the price of a lobster dinner. And I don’t have to talk to her during dinner. </p>
<p>I would however like to say…to all of us that, in their “prime” they would have dismissed every person on this forum. And…to add a touch of…mystery(?) whimsy(?)…there IS a book, or part of a book…that includes my fil and who he was…as a human being. The ultimate irony? He was quoted verbatim…and he didn’t have the filter to shut his mouth.</p>
<p>But then again, with my kids in the business…you never know…my kids MIGHT do something.</p>
<p>I just reread my post…to clarify: My mil is starting fights, in public and private, to this day. I have changed the way I react to her. I am always a lady. In the early years of my marriage I wanted to please them. Then I went to a time when we weren’t speaking. Now, I say what I mean and I mean what I say. If, for instance she tries to start screaming I will, quite simply tell her that she is embarrassing herself. </p>
<p>I have heard the my bil and sil get up from the table and let her yell. And no, this is not dementia. She is just a nasty person.</p>
<p>Oh my, ellebud, when she passes please divulge…</p>
<p>Don’t worry…I’ll mention it.</p>
<p>mom2collegekids, I agree with you. I would not have ANY contact with anyone who treated me that way. I don’t care whose mom they are.</p>
<p>If they are going to hate you either way I’d let them hate you for being absent.</p>
<p>
m2ck- There is. Several, in fact. (ellebud, are you taking notes?)</p>
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<p>…jym…The ONLY problem is…she’s blind.</p>
<p>Then get ones that smell REALLY BAD.</p>
<p>Now THAT I could do…</p>
<p>You could get some that are on a floor stand… and put them in her path.</p>
<p>Oh wait. Can she walk?</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Maybe… Just Maybe…Because they are dealing with TWO unchangeable crazies! </p>
<p>The underlying reason behind the fact that most men lead lives of quiet desperation is lost to most women.</p>
<p>Jym: I don’t care about her. I can report her nonsense…She actually asked my if a client (an amazingly successful) an American of Mexican descent could operate a computer as an example. But I no longer have an emotional involvement.</p>
<p>And I look terrible in orange.</p>
<p>But think what a great book ending it would make. Think of your fans/your audience.</p>
<p>*Maybe… Just Maybe…Because they are dealing with TWO unchangeable crazies! *</p>
<p>Toblin…</p>
<p>I don’t agree with the premise that it always takes “two to tango”. There are people who can argue all by themselve without any input from anyone else. I had a FIL who could erupt without any provocation. He had a personality disorder so he sometimes perceived absolutely harmless discussions as an affront to him. If one of his kids mentioned that they were trading in their small sedan to buy a family car because their family size was growing, he took that as a slap that they were “bragging” about buying a new car. </p>
<p>While I’m not saying that there aren’t any situations where both MIL and W are “the problem”, and certainly there are cases where the DIL is solely the problem (I have a SIL that can be very difficult), but the stereotype of the Marie Barone back-handed-compliment, outright insults, doting on sons didn’t get created out of whole-cloth. </p>
<p>There are some women who just can’t adjust to the idea that their children (often sons), now have another adult in their life that is very, very important.</p>
<p>I can relate to ALL of your stories; some more than others (like the daughter’s children being the “real” grandkids…)</p>
<p>I am still not getting this concept at all. What about those who only have sons? Does that mean we will never have real grandchildren in these folks’ opinion? Or what if these people’s D’s never have kids and only their sons reproduce? </p>
<p>I especially find it odd in Zooser’s situation. Afterall, her children carry on the family name, while the D’s kids do not. (I’m not saying that makes a difference, but you’d think it would matter to crazies who want to have such preferences).</p>
<p>Awww, 3trees – enjoyed your post (182). Nice ending to a <em>difficult</em> relationship. You seem to be a very understanding person – as do many of you on this thread that are dealing with some amazing (not in a good way) relationships. Our in-laws are coming to visit – haven’t seen them in several years – this weekend. They are not perfect, but beginning to look like saints compared to some of these, LOL.</p>
<p>I had issues with my mother, not my MIL (well, OK, maybe a few issues with my MIL). At age almost-64, with my mother gone for almost 28 years, I’m finding that the passive-aggressive, back-handed insults you all are citing from your MILs still create a feeling of helplessness and panic in me.</p>