S#%* my mother-in-law says.....

Parent Cafe
201

<p>

The implication is that I’m a whore and the kids’ paternity is in question! What’s funny is that my middle daughter looks so much like my MIL that when she died we went through pictures of her childhood and it was eerie. Could have been the same person. Thankfully, she was a beautiful woman! She hated me with a passion because I wanted better for my husband and kids so everythig I did was wrong. Her other son, the one who stole from her, married a stripper for a green card and MIL loved her. They recently had their first kid, a girl named for MIL. I wonder if she would have considered that kid her grandchild.</p>

202

<p>Thanks, mstee. I think it helps as I get/got older to consider how different my life trajectory has been that that of my MIL–and how different the choices and opportunities were for women of her generation. She was a lively, bright young woman, the first in her family to get a college education (from Radcliffe, no less) who married right after college a man who lived and breathed his career 24/7 into his 80s. She had two children who had significant mental health problems in an age when this was a source of great shame. One lived with his parents into his 60s, the other “crashed” with family friends and neighbors into his 40s, freely circulating stories of how his mother had screwed him up. She had virtually no friends, was frugal to a degree that prevented her from enjoying simple pleasures such as cooking and sharing a nice meal or a glass of wine. SHe spent the last few decades of her life mostly sitting at her kitchen table (the same too-small shabby table she got from the salvation army when she was married), smoking, doing crossword puzzles, and listening to Rush Limbaugh. Her other two (healthy and accomplished) sons were happily married and didn;t come around much (we made a weekly visit at my insistence until our kids were in middle school and starting to notice how hateful she could be). I think she was terribly depressed, but like many doctor’s wives got little or no medical care and so was written off as just terribly irritable. When she died she weighed 84 pounds.</p>

<p>The woman she became just didn’t line up with my husband’s memory of the mother who encouraged him to spend long days outdoors and tolerated, even encouraged, bringing home the snakes and lizards he discovered in nearby creeks. And I was willing (most of the time) to cut him some slack in hanging on to that sense of his mother. (I’d never have remained so happily married to a man who couldn’t laugh off some cranky.) Her remarks sure stung from time to time (and I’m writing here, i guess, because I’ve never really fully come to terms with her rejection) but life does go on, and sometimes I think the best thing we can do is to contain the collateral damage.</p>

203

<p>3trees : sometimes I think the best thing we can do is to contain the collateral damage. </p>

<p>I love how you put that ^</p>

<p>It is how I approach one of my inlaws. She is emotionally unhealthy and tries her best to “toxify” every relationship. One by one all of her siblings, friends, colleagues, and inlaws have decided to just not deal with her. It’s sad but a consequence of her actions over a long time. Her husband has tried to get her into counseling, but she has quit both times when the counselor wanted her to own her own actions. A lot of what I read about these unkind MILs reminds me of her.</p>

204

<p>I don’t feel so strange anymore!!!
Haven’t seen/spoken to MIL for 6 years. She hasn’t laid eyes on her son or grandchildren for that long either.<br>
My mother passed away after suffering with a horrible neurological illness, and was not able to see her grandson graduate high school (valedictorian), attend the college whose fight song was music to her ears (ND), graduate at the top of his law school class… or watch her granddaughters various athletic meets, proms, graduation etc, etc, etc.
MIL missed all of that too…but shes alive and well.<br>
Sad. Really sad.</p>

205

<p>I’ve been irritated at my FIL and his wife (almost 22 years) at things they say and do. It is so mild compared to this. He does choose who is “wrong” at that point and says mean awful things to family but in public, he is warm and wonderful and no one would recognize what he says and does as the same person. My MIL died the year after we were married and would have been wonderful, I think. She told me it was ok to get pregnant before the wedding, she was so anxious for grandkids. Unfortunately, she never lived to see anything more then a sonogram.</p>

206

<p>I’ve been reading a lot on this topic (“Toxic In-Laws” and “Disarming the Narcissist”) and learned a few things. 1) My MIL is not going to change (no one will confront her and she would NEVER go to therapy). 2) My H is not going to defend me (When she said, “Your wife is mentally ill”, his response was “Well, We’re going to see the therapist”…even the therapist told him that was wrong. He should have told her her remark was unacceptable).
That doesn’t leave me many options: 1) no contact with MIL; 2) no contact with ANY of them (in other words, leave him and hope he and his mother will live happliy ever after); or 3) try non-defensive communication (If she s@#$ like, “I’m never coming to California again”, I say “That’s your choice.” If she says, “You walk out of the room when I come in it”, I say “I’m sure you see it that way”, etc) Of course, we would need contact for this to occur. Fortunately, she’s on the other side of the country.
Oy vey! The worst part is, I am very sick with cancer! What kind of woman does this to a person with cancer? Sorry to vent. I’m also doing Buddhist meditation. G2G meditate.
Breathe in, breathe out.</p>

207

<p>tpt, go meditate…and enjoy those visions of how karma is going to get your MIL in the everafter.</p>

208

<p>ellebud,</p>

<p>I am sure I am not alone in waiting for a report from your dinner tonight…</p>

209

<p>*The implication is that I’m a whore and the kids’ paternity is in question! *</p>

<p>Yikes! Are you kidding or are you serious that she really questioned your children’s paternity? Wierd since obviously your H doesn’t. </p>

<p>Yes, it would be interesting if she considered her new namesake a real GD.</p>

210

<p>tptshortly, congratulations on these realizations. They are very very important for your piece of mind. You do what you have to do to keep yourself sane. For certain, that requires distancing yourself from your MIL and the hurtful, crazy things she says. Sometimes we assume everyone around us is normal and has our best interests at heart. It’s always a shock when we realize that isn’t true. It’s sad for you, but it’s also liberating – a totally new view of your relationships.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Someone who is not normal. Let go of that expectation.</p>

211

<p>

Totally serious. Not, I think, because of me personally, but because she believed that you could only be sure the daughter’s kids were related. I have often wondered if it was a bit of projection since she adored her oldest son and left her other two to be raised by wolves. We learned later that her husband, my DH’s father, had another kid before they were married so wonder about her oldest son’s paternity. Probably her husband’s kid, but this is her belief system.</p>

212

<p>I feel like your husband needs to bellow at her “DO YOU REALIZE MY WIFE IS EXTREMELY ILL???”</p>

213

<p>My husband is scared of his mother. I must be doing things wrong- he should be scared of ME haha.</p>

214

<p>tpshorty: I care. And from what I have read here lots of people care. I will suggest that your husband talk with your oncologist about stress (his and yours) and managing the emotional side of your journey to health. My oncologist’s office has a therapist with regular hours. Yours probably does as well. The therapist is there to support you. The “worst” that could come out of this is that the therapist will help you to disengage from any contact with mil. Stress is a major factor in the successful managing of cancer.</p>

<p>Please change the quote What kind of woman…to What kind of men or women…notice I didn’t say human…</p>

215

<p>In advance: I am only quoting here. These are NOT my thoughts until otherwise indicated.</p>

<p>We were invited into bil’s house when we got there. Mil was dressed up in clothes that I bought her. Ok…some thought there. Bil (no sil) was thrilled…the two of them were going out for dinner alone. ( I get that). Complimented mil on her wardrobe. Bil started to give me the prompt on how to empty her bag. </p>

<p>No…not my mother…so much could be said…I turned to Mr. Ellebud and said, “this is on you.”</p>

<p>The groups de jour: Hispanics and how lazy they are and how stupid they are…Mr. Ellebud mentioned the owner of the Angels and I mentioned our gardener who owns his home and several apartment houses.</p>

<p>Oh…is he Mexican? No, he is an American of Mexican descent. </p>

<p>And the other group of people she dislikes because they are ugly…people from Samoa. Aww heck, all Pacific Islanders. </p>

<p>We all had lobster…I was fine after a half and asked mil if she would like more. YES!!!</p>

<p>She asked me if she could have the lobster shells…for a fish stock…that will be lobster bisque. Got her the lobster shells. She was blissful.</p>

<p>She had a glass of wine and wanted a sippy cup to drink on the way home. </p>

<p>Nope not legal.</p>

<p>She talked all the way home. She was really happy. Spoke about fil’s affairs…LOTS of famous names…kind of interesting save for the tag lines.</p>

<p>We brought her home. And…wait for it…we were invited in!!! They had wine and cheese waiting for us. Weird…Do they want something? Yeah…but we started talking and it was…pleasant. Bil suggested that we have dinner together…at a restaurant…I said nothing. Bil is now searching for his brother, Mr. Ellebud.</p>

<p>Does he want somethings from us? Yeah…my kids are in the business. But…no problem…I sat there and listened. No ethnic groups were mentioned…Mr. Ellebud said that we would take her to dinner again. SIL did join us… Weird…They did mention (totally legit) how challenging mil is…and we so get that.</p>

<p>The most revealing quote of the night? MIL, she said that she had a great life. She met movie stars and lived in beautiful houses…she summered in Cap Ferrat. And she made it in society. And fil only wanted one child…she wanted two. (Did mention that my husband is the second child?) Fil said that he wouldn’t be involved in second child’s life. </p>

<p>And she never wanted a girl…she didn’t want to compete with her daughter…</p>

216

<p>Oh…Mormons were on the list as well. I knew that I forgot something: Bil said that he can’t vote for a Mormon…their religion was too “weird”.</p>

217

<p>Can I enter my brother-in-law for the worst bil award? During my son’s bar mitzvah celebration, I asked him to check my jewelry box for my bracelet. (They were staying with us) My gold charm bracelet from my father, that I planned to give to my daughter at her bat mitzvah, has been missing ever since. He never got to the reception. He stole his mother’s money when she was in the hospital by forging my husband’s name on their joint account. He told his wife he only “borrowed” some and paid it back. The account was closed by him. He told the rest of the family that WE took HER money. He lied and said his wife was pregnant and couldn’t afford to contribute toward the funeral for his mother She wasn’t pregnant. Fine, we paid for it. He stole my phone card from the night table drawer and made long distance phone calls without asking. Now for the big stuff: He never told his wife (before they were married or after) that he had two children from a prior marriage. I was instructed never to tell her by the family. He said he has three degrees, when he never finished his first year of college. He took his family’s belongings (Persian carpets) that we had shipped to him for safe-keeping (we had to get them out of Iran). His wife doesn’t even know how old he is (he lied about that, too). We haven’t spoken to him since 2000. His wife and kids know none of this. The sad part is my children have no relationship with his children, the first two girls (he gave them up when he left his first wife) or the second family of three kids. I would love to talk to his wife, but I don’t think she would believe me. I’ve kept pictures and records. I sometimes wonder if I should try to contact her, but I’m afraid I’d be opening a can of worms. H’s sister plays both sides, but mentioned that bil may be getting a divorce. One day…</p>

218

<p>Threekids.
That is an incredibly tragic story. It’s just awful being related to a train wreck. Listening to train wreck stories is entertaining but watching them up close and personal is just heart breaking.</p>

219

<p>Oh my, threekids. You win.
Theres a BIL thread your post should be added to as well.</p>

220

<p>Here ya go, threekids. That is truly terrible. <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1390172-brother-law-thread.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1390172-brother-law-thread.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;