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<p>Sooooo . . does this mean this paragon of tolerance could vote for an African-American?? :D</p>
<p>*since she adored her oldest son and left her other two to be raised by wolves. *</p>
<p>Ha! My MIL left all of her 8 children to be raised by wolves.</p>
<p>I once asked my H if he could name 10 things that his mother had taught him. He said he couldn’t name ONE. (and he wasn’t kidding, I swear! His sisters still tease their mom because she never taught them how to hold spoons, forks and knives.). I still laugh whenever I see their school pictures…they looked like ragamuffins…hair a mess, collars all over the place, white uniform blouses/shirts very grayed (she washed all clothes together). No, they weren’t low-income…my FIL owned an insurance business.</p>
<p>This is less horrific …more on the humorous side. Both DH’s parents and my parents are strong Catholics. DH and I were not married in the Church…that was the first problem. Both sides were on the campaign trail trying to get us to change our mind before the wedding…we didn’t.</p>
<p>Along comes the first much anticipated grandchild and low and behold we chose not to baptize at birth. Imagine the upset on both sides of the in-laws. One day we had everyone over for dinner and H and I noticed our mothers seemed to be awful chummy and talking in whispers. H walks into the kitchen to find both of them baptizing the little heathen over the kitchen sink. We just rolled our eyes.</p>
<p>Both kids eventually were baptized…at an older age when they had a say in the matter. To my parents credit…they have been very financially supportive of their grand kids Catholic High Schools…so at least they practice what they preach.</p>
<p>ThreeKids: An official welcome to the club. I am sorry that the bracelet was stolen. For those ready to jump and say “It’s a thing…and not important.” I remember that my mother wore her mother’s bracelet everyday until I was 10. I never met my grandmothers, but I knew that everyday that she put on the bracelet she gave a little smile. I have furniture and some art work that belonged to my parents. Love it…won’t get rid of it. </p>
<p>My parents were friendly with some people who escaped from somewhere in North Africa. The husband had been in business with his partner for three generations. The partner said that he would send their belongings once they got settled. And of course…he didn’t.</p>
<p>Yes, they will probably vote for Obama…better a HALF African American than a Mormon.</p>
<p>^^^</p>
<p>I take it that they didn’t vote for JFK.</p>
<p>mom: Mil was born a Catholic and HATED the Church. Both sets of parents were tres Republican so no…I believe that they were Nixon people. (Bil and Sil’ parents)</p>
<p>Ellebud, I think you may have stumbled upon a “happy pill” for your MIL, the wine! It seems she while she was still racist, she was off your case and maybe even slightly bearable for a couple of hours?</p>
<p>Honestly, it was ok. I told the restaurant that my mil is in her early 90s. They got it. Our server got everything right the first time. Mil couldn’t decide if she wanted coleslaw or French Fries…he brought both…no charge. Mil wanted the lobster shells…guy didn’t wince. Her glass of pinot was ginormous. </p>
<p>We were told at bil’s house that she throws tantrums if things aren’t going well. They eat every meal after she’s done. MIL was so happy to have lobster…except Mr. Ellebud was constantly cutting and assisting so it wasn’t at pleasant or relaxing. I gave her half of my lobster…devoured it. It could have been the wine…It might have been the lobster. I don’t care. I don’t love her or like her. But I love Mr. Ellebud. And what I did was for him. </p>
<p>Honestly when we delivered her home for whatever reason we were invited in. We actually sat and drank a glass of wine with them. I noticed, what I call the “look”. They were trying to be polite, as were we. Bil told us that mil was raving about the restaurant and what a good time she had. It was…pleasant…controlled…polite.</p>
<p>What I see is a tragedy. If they had acted like this 35 years ago…we might have had a relationship. But…they didn’t. And as I look to the future I hope that things wth my children and their spouses are good. </p>
<p>…incidentally, my husband heard for the 400th time that his father didn’t want him. And that is so much a tragedy. I heard, yet again that my fil was “happy” that I got cancer…Nothing was said in anger, which in my eyes is worse, but it is our history. And I was REALLY good in history and pouring BIG glasses of wine.</p>
<p>mil is in her early 90s</p>
<p>ah…</p>
<p>That actually provides a bit of insight. while not all in their 90s have such behaviors, it’s not uncommon for those born in the early 1900s to have more racist ideas and believe stereotypes.</p>
<p>Mom: You are far too kind. The behaviors recounted here are the tip of the iceberg…for all of us. I will say just this: all four of these people (FIL, mil, sil and bil) had a symbiotic relationship that only was fueled by anger, career stuff, and social strata. </p>
<p>My mil tries to watch what she says…now. When she was staying here mil recounted an argument between bil and sil. Sil called her husband (on more than one occasion) a failed JEWISH musician. After hearing this story for the second time I asked her what part of that hurt the most…she fumbled…and didn’t answer. After all, some of her best friends were Jewish.</p>
<p>For Tp: We are talking evil…pure and simple. To excuse or explain that behavior is impossible.</p>
<p>Ellebud, </p>
<p>Reading this thread makes me feel for you. I cannot understand why people have to be negative. I hope the wine can help in a way. Giving strong drinks, or a lot wine helps everyone deal with my grandmother. </p>
<p>My mother has heard some horrible things from my grandmother. She said them in front of us kids, and has made scenes at family functions. I can remember them all vividly. One happened when my mother was taking us kids up to a family function on that side without my father and she basically said we were not welcomed even though my aunt told us too come. In fact my Aunt tried to throw her out of the party because she made my mother so upset. She as also said some pretty negative things about our family in general. I think part of it was my father moved to get a way from her, and then when we returned to the state we went as far away as possible. It a weird way I always tell myself that this is why my dad moved. He wanted to protect us kids from her. No one is willing to deal with this lady at most her favorite child has said things and in the end always gets nasty voicemails left by her mother. </p>
<p>Its horrible, and you know what I’m going to be the one to speak up. No one should’ve heard what my sibling and I did. I want her to know regardless, of how long ago it happened, that it hurt. I want her to know the truth about what happened during that time period. In the end I plan on cutting my Grandmother out of my life. I’m willing to see my Grandfather, and his mother (my favorite person ever!) but not my actual Grandmother. I know she needs mental help.</p>
<p>Oh! I can’t tell you all how reluctant I was to even begin this thread. Even with some of the comments here, I could easily add volumes to the horrific MIL behavior I encountered and endured for 25+ years. </p>
<p>We were 26 and 29 years old, and married after a 9 year courtship; we married too young, too soon.</p>
<p>After the death of our first child, when our second was born, she said, “Thank God! It’s a boy.”</p>
<p>When our almost-11-pound daughter was born, she said, “Is that baby ■■■■■■■■? She’s ugly.” (Dtr looks exactly like my husband, sans mustache.)</p>
<p>Visiting our home for the first time: “Someday, maybe you can live someplace nice.” </p>
<p>After learning I had cancer: “I knew you’d ruin my son’s life.”</p>
<p>And that’s just getting started.</p>
<p>Whoa, ellebud. You have serious competition from fencersmother. How awful for you both.</p>
<p>Truly, this is why MILs have the stereotype of being b!tche$ – because some of them are!</p>
<p>It’s interesting how these MILs that some of you are describing are so intent on saying just the wrong thing. Every one says the wrong thing sometimes, but these MILs seem to go out of their way to find the exact wrong thing to say. They are intentionally hurtful and mean to their DILs, and I can only ascribe it to feeling competitive with the DILs for their son’s attention or love.</p>
<p>"It was a very show business crowd. This means everyone was networking. One true gentleman, everyone would know him, came over to thank us for such a nice memorial. He then wanted to know how we knew my fil. I told him that my husband was the youngest son. He looked confused…and finally said I thought he only had one child. When I introduced my husband I mentioned that my husband was also a son. One person tried to argue with me…</p>
<p>Then my mil said a few words…about her life and her society accomplishments…and then thanked her son (not my husband) for his care and how he was the perfect son."</p>
<p>Late to this thread. Ellebud, how is it your husband did not say anything to his mother after she spoke? I don’t think I could have remained silent. Something like, “Mom, that was beautiful.”</p>
<p>My mil was very funny and eccentric. She once insisted the minister’s wife take home (as a gift) her huge ceramic floral painted pig she got from a roadside sale because she could tell the wife was horrified by it. It was the opposite with her. She loved me and would rag on my husband sometimes. She would say things like I was too good for him. I think to get his goat. The worst thing she did was try to embarrass him with stories from his childhood, but he was never embarrassed. She also had a few disparaging nicknames for him. He was he oldest and more talented of the two sons. The younger son was babied. It was like she had a weird rivalry with my husband. They were alike in some ways. The other thing she did that did annoy me was to give my 3 month old son a taste of Coca Cola. She laughed at my horror! She was a character.</p>
<p>I think that this thread should be mandatory reading for all future in laws. I don’t want to “win” because I had the worst in laws. I strongly suspect that I would have real competition here. I know that I will be different. I probably know all my future children in law. I have their favorite food in house…at all times. They know that they can stay for dinner…whenever they want.</p>
<p>I know the hits and slights and abuse are far deeper than any of us will speak or write about. One thing I do see: all of us who are writing have been married a long time. The in laws didn’t win. Our children know that what they saw and heard is not acceptable. And they know the we cut off contact for years because of the conflict. But, after they are gone no one will remember them. </p>
<p>One of the most poignant moments for me was the night before the aforementioned memorial service. We were out to dinner. My husband suddenly said, “You know what I makes me feel the saddest? I don’t care that my father died.” </p>
<p>As for me what I care about is that WE have made a family. We are close. The past week I have been taking care of my grand puppy. They trust us with her. And as for saying something during the memorial service ALL our friends began looking around. Even the show business side who by now knew my husband was a son looked very bewildered. </p>
<p>Oh, did I mention that we paid for the memorial service? Not doing that again.</p>
<p>Let’s see…
- when S was born (after 3 girls) her first response was "Thank God there is someone to carry on the family name! (Jokes on her - he’s gay and doesn’t plan on having children)
- she offered to babysit our D and niece when they were both about 4 months old. Niece cried the whole time. So, MIL announced to me and SIL when we arrived home that “Niece is a demon child.” Never left any children with her again.
- does not like any women in the family. Got into fight with mother of the groom at SIL’s wedding. Hasn’t spoken to her own SIL in over 30 years, even though the aunt is a wonderful person and has a relationship with the nieces and nephews.
- scolded me when I disciplined my children (she didn’t believe in discipline)
- generally a very negative, vindictive woman</p>
<p>But, I give so many props to my H. He knows that his mother is insufferable, but he calls her every Saturday and talks to her for over an hour. Her own D doesn’t even do that! (Of course, she’s critical of her D - my SIL- and thinks her S - my H- is literally perfect! and has said so in front of SIL)</p>
<p>she is a b***h! It’s a good job she wont be back to visit. Mines is a bit of a looney, I keep her far far away. she comes out with things like that too, it just makes me think shes insane!</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Except for the “doting on sons” part. Yes. </p>
<p>PS
My mother was someone you’d never wish on anyone.</p>
<p>These are all in-law stories, but in a lot of cases it seems that these people can’t get along with anyone. They could probably figure in threads where there are mother stories, daughter stories, sister stories as well as in-law stories. If they were complete strangers, we’d never give them another thought. But since there’s a family connection, we feel we have to make an effort.</p>
<p>I don’t have anything worthy to contribute. My MIL is not a pleasant person. She’s very critical and negative, but it drives H crazy rather than me. She speaks another language (which I know very well), but when she says stuff, I just smile beatifically and appear not to understand. She probably thinks I’m just stupid, but at least wouldn’t say so.</p>