<p>tptshorty: When you don’t come 'round, you will turn into the bad guy. See, your MIL “forgives” you (for what??!!). You will be an ungracious b!tch who doesn’t kowtow to her kind forgiveness, and you will then be blamed forevermore for the bad blood between you too.</p>
<p>Just saying’, ya’ know. Be prepared.</p>
<p>Edited to add: There is nothing you need to be forgiven for. What you need is a complete change in behavior from her. You can tell your husband to tell her that; you can tell her that yourself; or you can just continue ignoring her and knowing that she is the one who is wrong.</p>
<p>I’d tell her that I’ve forgiven my H for having an unpleasant mother.</p>
<p>I know it’s hard for a DIL to stand up to a MIL. It took me a few years to do so with my MIL…the time she wanted my H and kids to skip my family reunion and visit her. I calmly, but firmly, told her off. I’m sure she’s still spinning since she has “saint status” in the family and most never dare to cross her. Thankfully, H backed me up in a follow-up phone call.</p>
<p>TPT–No contact is SO blissful usually. I would continue that indefinitely. Doesn’t matter if you get “the bad guy” status since you seem to already own that title (even though she forgave you). At least this way you can keep the title on your own terms and remain “relative-ly” peaceful.
Your MIL enjoys her trumped-up drama and you seem to be the target to stir the pot–getting out of the mix is really the right decision.</p>
<p>TPT–when I think about it–no contact MUST be the best approach because she “forgave you”. She doesn’t want the game to end and you ended it. She doesn’t have anybody to play with.</p>
<p>We have gotten into a pattern with my difficult inlaws who live far away. We visit them once a year as a family and my H goes once a year alone. It started because of work/sport schedules, but now it is by choice. They really prefer to have him to themselves (another strangely possesive MIL with her “perfect” son) and he can then help them with house maintenance, doctor visits, etc. I did the same with my parents when they were a plane ride away. I enjoyed being able to visit my dad for longer periods in the assisted living place (when the kids came, the visits were brief) and helping my mom with some planning stuff. However, with Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up in the next few months, it will be time for the “family visit.” I know we need to see them and I try to be kind, but they are selfish and mean and I want my kids (esp. the college one) to ENJOY the holiday in OUR home. I predict this thread will heat up for the holidays!</p>
<p>MNM- it is rough when your kids move away from home, they want to come home for their short breaks, not go on a plane ride to visit family, even family they like. Once our kids went to university, we changed visits to be without kids, if a visit can be worked out with one of our kids, that is different than the visits DH & I do. We try to make sure at least one of our kids sees the grand parents each year based on their schedules and availability.</p>
<p>And there we have it. It’s not true that these nasty MILs will never change. They most certainly do when their sons set clear and firm limits, communicate consequences which will occur if lines are crossed, and act consistently on those. It’s really no different than raising children. Parents who are passive, don’t enforce consequences for bad behavior, and let their kids run all over them have spoiled, mean, and disrespectful children. It’s the same with any bully, really. When you stand up to them, they typically back off. And any MIL who is so toxic that she will not treat others with respect in the face of calm, respectful, and firm pushback is probably someone whose presence is really more harmful than helpful. Grandkids don’t really need to have that kind of toxicity in their lives. Biology is not enough reason to harm my kids, my marriage, or my own psyche. Some people really are a lost cause.</p>
<p>I really could not respect a man who didn’t have enough gumption to stand up for his wife or life partner, particularly when these actions occur in front of their children.</p>
<p>“Grandkids don’t really need to have that kind of toxicity in their lives.”</p>
<p>And mine didn’t. My kids spent one very short weekend when they were little with MIL and FIL. The kids announced they were never going back and H and I agreed. After all, H grew up with her. I didn’t ask too many questions (MIL was/is controlling and yelled about everything.) Never again.<br>
They see their grandparents now (15 years later) when home on visits and everything is fine (all is well–pleasant visits) but of course the dynamics are very different. They can drive now…
I will never understand how my sweet FIL puts up with MIL. And H (who loves his dad) can’t understand to this day why his dad did not stand up for his children against a mother who berated her children. I think what makes my H stand up to her is that he had so many caring relatives around him when he was little so he just knew better.</p>
<p>Not my family: But I have a dear friend who was abused by her mother. Her father was, in her eyes, a saint who put up with a very destructive wife. My friend married, had a child…moved on. BUt on the subject of her mother my friend held her opinions of her parents…one saint…one awful.</p>
<p>UNTIL…her mother died. And my friend made an interesting discovery: Her mother wasn’t exonerated for what she did, but her father was every bit as guilty. Nothing that went on in her house was done without her father’s full approval.</p>
<p>My mother is awful to us and to my father. I have no idea why he stayed with her. I swear it’s Stockholm syndrome. But I decided a long time ago, that toxic people have no place in my life or my children’s lives. Which is why my kids rarely see my mother. She lives 3 miles away, and they mostly keep their distance. She’s not awful to them but they can’t stand the constant berating that falls on me and my dad. She’s even started going after DH – who until recently the sun rose and set in. </p>
<p>I’ve learned to stand my ground and this goes for any family members. We have a SIL & BIL who are so off the rails, they need their own thread.</p>
<p>Ellebud–I hear you loud and clear. But FIL is so totally different when you get him by himself. He is close to silent around MIL (Hello? Are you there?) and then when you take him out ALONE (to a dinner or doctor’s appointment ) he is totally charming and chatty. Next to a different person. A true joy to be around–very open and caring. A side to his dad that H didn’t get to enjoy growing up.
To MIL credit, she truly loves him and sticks by him through thick and thin (and lots of ills) and I guess that matters more to FIL than anything MIL puts on the rest of the family (or I guess him). She’s just so domineering that everyone else gets shadowed.
It’s a major shame that his children didn’t get the pleasure of knowing their dad at his best while they were growing up.</p>
<p>VeryHappy, you wanted to know what I think of y’all’s observations? First, thank you all SO MUCH for your support. It really does help me a lot to get on this forum and share/vent. If my husband weren’t such a nice guy, and we didn’t have such a lovely daughter together, I would be outta here, cancer or no cancer. There are certain parts of this I will never understand: how he can come upstairs after a phone conversation with MIL and say, “I feel so much better” just because she didn’t mention me; or how a grown man can be so scared of his mother. He doesn’t want to lose his inheritance (from his father’s side, but never mind), and she wants to drive a wedge between us (so she can get him back). It’s ugly.
He’s going to a shrink this week (I just play one on TV) so he can get more DRUGS to make this all go away. I’m not opposed to anti-depressants, but I don’t think they will fix this problem without the talk therapy, which he doesn’t want to do.
Neither of them cares about how I feel at all- I’m just the pawn in this sick game. I have a Plan B- just leave them all to their misery and get myself a clean little condo somewhere near the ocean where I can watch the sunset every night.
So I am sticking with the ‘no contact’ unless someone attacks me again. I actually have all the leverage in this scenario, because frankly, my dears, I don’t give a damn. I have a job, my own money and health insurance, and not a bit of guilt.
And I have my own lovely mother, 90 years old, who loves me despite my many flaws.</p>
<p>Sounds like a lot of these MILs never did and still never can accept that another woman “replaced” them in their sons’ lives. It seems very Oedipal and creepy to me.</p>
<p>I can see how you would come up with that fantasy. I’m very sorry for your troubles and it’s a shame that you aren’t just completely swaddled with love and support at this time of need in your life. But I see you do try to hold on to the positive, and that’s probably much better than clinging to bitterness at a time when you need all your internal resources to fight your disease. I wish you a full and speedy recovery.</p>
<p>It’s because his relationship with his mother is more important to him than his relationship with you.</p>
<p>Sorry, but that’s the truth. And it’s not necessarily intentional or purposeful; it just is, perhaps because he’s never satisfactorily “separated” from his mother as an adult does.</p>