<p>^^^and that is just s@$)(/ random people on the forum say. No reason to blurt it out. It isn’t helpful. It did no good and would have been better thought but unsaid. I think I see a problem MIL in the making.</p>
<p>When my H was a very socially anxious 15 yr old and was, at that time, very comfortable in a small American school in Pakistan…he was sent for two years abroad to a very suit and tie every day boarding school overseas. His family had beyond sufficient funds and yet he did not have a visit home or from his family for 2 years. Remembering he had at most 10 minutes every few weeks long distance.
I still have not forgiven her. I never will understand it.
H is very attached to her (I do not care–got over that years ago–it is their relationship, not mine) and will never ever ever ever understand how a mom could let her darling quiet, worried, shy, first born go like that.
I do not like her for many reasons but this one is the foundation for my disdain.</p>
<p>^^^^My Dad’s mother had two sons when she married his stepfather. Stepfather told her two were too many and to “get rid of one.” She sent my Dad to live with his father with no explanation whatsoever when he was just five or so. He just came home from playing outside one day to find his Dad waiting for him.</p>
<p>She never apologized or explained her actions. He forgave her at some point, but I never really warmed up to her, knowing what she did. It all worked out for the best, though, as my Grandpa was thrilled to have him, stepGrandma loved my Dad (she was his “real mom” to all of us), his stepsisters consider him their real brother, and he was cherished and well cared for. But still…I think my stepmom feels as above, that she couldn’t forgive her MIL for hurting her DH.</p>
<p>*^^^^My Dad’s mother had two sons when she married his stepfather. Stepfather told her two were too many and to “get rid of one.” She sent my Dad to live with his father with no explanation whatsoever *</p>
<p>Oh my…beyond cruel. absolutely heartless. Thank goodness he landed in a loving home, but the absolute shock, fear, and feelings of rejection must have been awful. and, how the heck did she CHOOSE?</p>
<p>My MIL is very complex psychologically, I have realized. She is an identical twin and suffers fierce separation anxiety from her twin who lives in a distant part of the country. She just never gets over her rage and grief that her widowed twin will not come and live with her. Now, this twin has five kids and 11 grandkids where she lives. Of course, she doesn’t want to leave them. She’s comfortably situated in a very good quality assisted living situation. But MIL rages, rages, rages over her sense of abandonment.</p>
<p>This same terror of separation is at work with her relationship with her kids. When my DH and I lived together a year before marrying, she was just outraged. Called every night, crying and yelling, trying to get him to move back home. He was 23 at the time! Yet she was devastated. Same with his younger sister, who has not stood up well to the craziness. She has stayed near, never really developed a career, had a marriage or kids. It’s all about “taking care of mom.” </p>
<p>It’s an awful disorder, really. Quite a serious mental illness, I suspect. But they just grew up under this mom and so accept it. My DH escaped her though. He’s never looked back. Limits visits and contact. He is very wary of her.</p>
<p>I often am deeply angry with her but at base I really feel so sorry for her. She’s such an unhappy person.</p>
<p>
Unfortunately, for some people unhappiness is a contagious disease.</p>
<p>sewhappy, it sounds a lot like Borderline Personality Disorder. Unfortunately, I know a lot about it. Fear of abandonment is a huge part of this disorder. If she does have it, and even if she doesn’t, your husband is doing the exact right thing. And she is to be pitied, but from a safe distance. Hunt’s comment is right on the money.</p>
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<p>The Dad is one of the boy’s two parents, and provided a loving home. Maybe the mother made a courageous and difficult decision knowing that the father had rights and feelings too.</p>
<p>sorghum - that’s what I wanted to say - what is so outrageous about a boy living in his father’s home?</p>
<p>And I have to say a LOT of kids go to boarding school - now and in the past. Is it really so bad? It probably helped him grow up in ways staying home never would have.</p>
<p>Divorce bites. There is no easy, clean fix for the consequences.</p>
<p>I have to say, though, if my NEW husband suddenly said, “One of these kids has to go.” I’d probably say, “You’re right. See ya.”</p>
<p>Going to boarding school was almost a given. It was sending him to the US and never flying him home or visiting in two years that was wrong. Money was not an issue. Which is why it was even stranger. DH has just recently shared that she does not feel good about those decisions. This was the first I knew about that. DH did not think it was terrible until our D was 15 and he could not have imagined not seeing her for two years.</p>
<p>sewhappy you have described my mother and her hysteria with her young adults. It was exhausting. I have worked very hard to not be that way.</p>
<p>NR–glad you H had a good home.</p>
<p>I have to say, though, if my NEW husband suddenly said, “One of these kids has to go.” I’d probably say, “You’re right. See ya.”</p>
<p>I agree. Sounds like “mom” quickly married some jerk because dad had already remarried.</p>
<p>sorghum - that’s what I wanted to say - what is so outrageous about a boy living in his father’s home?</p>
<p>There is NOTHING outrageous about a boy living in his father’s home. The issue is that:</p>
<p>1) the mom allowed a new stepdad to make such a demand.</p>
<p>2) the child wasn’t even told about it until dad showed up.</p>
<p>Look at it this way…there’s nothing wrong with enrolling your child in a new school. There’s something wrong with showing up at a new school one day with your child and announcing this is your new school…with no prior discussion or preparation.</p>
<p>On lighter note–and one that I laugh about now as it was just silly.
MIL was visiting after returning from a trip to China. She takes me into our guest room and has many little gifts laid out on the bed and tells me to choose one for H and myself. I pick #1 up and admire it and she immediately tell me that I cannot have that one as she bought it for SIL (her very favorite). Pick up #2 and am told I cannot choose that because she bought it for her D. And so it went on to #3 and was for another relative. I finally told her to pick something for me. She protested and I picked up the nearest object and left the room. It was hurtful and made me very uncomfortable. Now I think it is kinda funny. I would not play at this age. The funniest was when favorite and special DIL ran away with her minister and left MIL’s favorite S. THat was sad for their children but really not otherwise.</p>
<p>My MIL used to be meticulous about gift-giving. If she got her daughter a jacket, I got a jacket. If her daughter got earrings, I got earrings. Of course, her daughter would get a nice leather jacket and I would get something re-gifted. Her daughter would get pearl earrings and I would get something from the dollar store. But she was fair in her mind.</p>
<p>When we all got married (her daughter and son got married less than a week apart), daughter got a bedroom set and we got a comforter. Cracked me up. Less so for my husband.</p>
<p>Man, I’m so glad we don’t have this garbage in our family! I feel sorry for you who are having these issues! :(</p>
<p>My MIL passed away a few years ago, unfortunately. She didn’t like me at first - but we got to be good friends, and she came to trust me and like me. I’m really glad because my life was richer for having known her. Rocky start - but strong finish thanks to DH, who let her know that I was not to EVER be mistreated in any case, and that if she made him pick sides between the two of us, that she (MIL) would not like the decision he would make.</p>
<p>I think, because of her background she thought I was after his money. LOL - I have more money than he has - but she didn’t know that - it was none of her business.</p>
<p>Thankfully, my Mom treats him very well. Gifts are given as if he were her own son, there is never an unkind or disrespectful word - I just can’t imagine her doing that.</p>
<p>One Christmas (when we hosted and paid for their airfare to visit), H and kids got multiple gifts from MIL and FIL. I got a plastic picture frame (for a wallet size photo) that was one of those “free with purchase” items. I was hosting, feeding, and paying for their trip and they gave me an ugly piece of free plastic. I had spent a lot of time, effort, and money buying their gifts but they only thanked H! I had also made their favorite foods, put their favorite soap in the guest bath, deep cleaned the house, and taken time off work to host.</p>
<p>I would have to have a talk with hubby about that one. He should have said, “Actually DW picked out that gift. She wanted it to be very special for you - she wanted the whole trip to be nice for you. She’s worked so hard!”</p>
<p>And after it was all over, I would have given him a kiss and TOLD him that he should have said that and taken up for me so that NEXT time, he’ll know.</p>
<p>Sometimes people who have grown up with RUDE parents don’t give that behavior a second thought and don’t stop to think, “Wow, what Mom said/did probably really hurt my spouse’s feelings. I would not like it if her mom treated me that way. I should definitely stick up for my spouse, and say SOMETHING.”</p>
<p>At some point I had the revelation that the relationship with his mother will always be the most passionate relationship of my husband’s life. I don’t mean that in a sexual way (thank God), and it is mostly a negative relationship, but it is so powerful and so fraught, and the same things will be fought over again and again as long as they are both alive. He cannot detach, he cannot think of or deal with her in a rational manner. </p>
<p>This is just a small example, but she does this thing – anytime she speaks to him on the phone, she will always call back right after the call ends. There is always something she forgot to mention, one more thing she wanted to say, one question that has occurred to her . . . whatever. And he always, always has to pick up the phone and yell at her for calling back. And then they have a long screaming fight about how irritating it is that she always does this, and how hurt she is that he’s yelling at her for this, etc. etc. Every time. In the beginning, I would practically beg him not to pick up the phone the second time. All he was doing was reinforcing the behavior. She just wants his time and his attention, and whether it’s negative or positive attention doesn’t matter to her, in fact negative is probably better because then she has an excuse to make even more phone calls and send dozens of frantic/enraged/self-pitying emails. It’s crazy. I say, just disengage, just don’t answer the phone, don’t answer the email. But he insists that he can’t let her “get away” with her bad behavior, he has to answer her accusations point-by-point, no matter that these fights go on for days and consume hours of his time. It’s nuts. And I should add that he is a perfectly sane, kind, and rational person in his dealings with every other human on the planet.</p>
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<p>She knew where his father was and that he was a loving, responsible dad. Her other son’s dad was probably nowhere to be found. But yes, my Dad suffered from that rejection his whole life. Maybe that’s why he was such an affectionate, involved Dad to us.</p>