<p>Uh, no. She didn’t care about my Dad’s father-not his rights, not his feelings. She made the decision because she didn’t want to be without a husband and decided not to fight for him. I believe she chose to send away my Dad over the other one not because his brother was her favorite, but because she knew my Dad had a parent who would take care of him. If she was going to “get rid of one,” my Dad was really the only logical choice.</p>
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<p>Is that seriously what you got from my post? The outrageous part is not that my Dad lived with his father, it was that he was “sent away” with no explanation by his mother at the age of five or six. She chose her husband over her child. Don’t think that would devastate a young boy?</p>
<p>Not related to MIL stories but related to boarding school stories:</p>
<p>My stepmother’s parents were divorced when she was 6 years old. At that time she was sent to boarding school, since apparently neither parent wanted her. </p>
<p>Can you imagine being 6 years old and not living with your family or with any family? Sounds crazy to me, but this was a long long time ago. (Probably around 1918 or so.)</p>
<p>Yes, cromette, I agree that H missed a chance to “redirect” his mom. My H and his mom are another one of those too-attached mother/perfect son combinations. H is still trying to live up to the perfect label. I think he wanted her appreciation even though I deserved it. Over this long marriage, I think I have erred on the side of keeping quiet too often to make his life more comfortable. MIL is highly sensitive, so H would rather let me “understand” than hold her accountable. Perhaps, I will ask for better treatment this Christmas…</p>
<p>*Quote:
sorghum - that’s what I wanted to say - what is so outrageous about a boy living in his father’s home?</p>
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<p>Is that seriously what you got from my post? The outrageous part is not that my Dad lived with his father, it was that he was “sent away” with no explanation by his mother at the age of five or six. She chose her husband over her child. Don’t think that would devastate a young boy?*</p>
<p>Exactly…</p>
<p>This had nothing to do with “parental rights” or that dads can parent as well as moms, or whatever PC message that could be put forth.</p>
<p>This is about a woman choosing a new hubby over her flesh and blood child, and then not even giving advance warning to the child. Most of us would never choose a 2nd hubby over our young child(ren). </p>
<p>I don’t know how long the bio parents were divorced, but young kids do often strongly bond to their moms (especially when dad isn’t living in the home) and to suddenly “pick a child” to be sent away is just horrendous.</p>
<p>Yes, the child ended up with his loving dad and stepmom. That doesn’t change the fact that to a small child, he’s still going to feel like he was somehow rejected…that he was the less desirable child. He doesn’t have the adult discernment to rationalize that he was the only one with a dad to go to. Nor does a young child have the discernment to realize that if he had stayed with his mom, it’s likely that SD would have treated the boys poorly. Young kids don’t have the where-with-all to figure all that out. All they know is that “mom” sent him away.</p>
<p>My in-laws defined cheap, despite having plenty of money in the bank. Even when they spent it on themselves for vacation, they always took educational/Elder Hostel type trips. My MIL was very proud of washing her clothes in the sink and staying in the cheapest place possible. She also boasted of taking extra food from breakfast buffets to cover her until lunch. (admittedly, I will grab an extra banana or apple for a mid-morning snack, but I don’t prepare a 3 course lunch off the breakfast buffet).</p>
<p>I got used to my kids getting $20 Christmas gifts (and never anything but a card for their birthdays), when my mom, who lives on only her SS, spends at least $200/kid at Christmas and sends a meaningful birthday present.</p>
<p>I understand your position, and I sympathize. I can’t say that if I were in your particular situation I would do differently. Once you spend a certain number of years tolerating stuff, sometimes it’s easier to just go along and keep the peace on those isolated incidents.</p>
<p>This is my second marriage - and that’s the point of view of my previous statement. I decided I wasn’t going to be ANYONE’s doormat, and that my husband and I were going to have each OTHER’s backs no matter who came against the other.</p>
<p>If there’s already a pattern established, I can understand just rolling along sometimes. I, personally, would have to have a loving conversation - and then just decide to try to have grace for him even if he decided not to have my back when his mom was horrible.</p>
<p>I had a pretty fine MIL, who tried extra hard to be nice to her 5 DIL’s because her own MIL was so hard on her. So it’s possible to turn this around in one generation.</p>
<p>Still, she couldn’t adjust to one of my sisters-in-law who was vegetarian. Ma always felt her boy needed MEAT and this veggie DIL was “starving” him.</p>
<p>One day, that BIL got an attack of kidney stones, and while in hospital (suffering!) a nurse asked him if he eats a lot of “green leafy vegetables.” Of couse she was trying to diagnose whether he had a lot of calcium-filled broccoli etc which might contribute to kidney stones. </p>
<p>He laughed (ouch) because finally his Mom’s POV was vindicated! He later phoned to say “You were right, Mom…all that fresh salad she serves sent me right to the hospital!”</p>
<p>My kids never got birthday or Hanukkah gifts from my MIL. I was not going to make a big stink about it. She was lucky to even see her grandkids (supervised visits only) after the cr*p that she pulled on DH and allowed to happen to my BIL.</p>
<p>From the “Some things never change” category…</p>
<p>My grandmother dictated some of her memories to my mother, who typed them up (in 1979). One story goes like this (it would have been set around 1870 - 1880 or so):</p>
<p>“My grandfather [who had settled in western Pennsylvania] spoke German only at home till he went to school and then he spoke it only to his mother…He built his own house [and then] took his parents in to live with him and his bride. His mother, Martha, didn’t care for the bride and criticized about everything she did. She [Martha] was frugal and thought [the DIL] was wasteful and extravagant - especially in her cooking. [DIL] had cooked for wealthy people, knew how to make things taste good, and wasn’t about to change her ways. The mother-in-law talked about to her to [Son] in German. [DIL] could easily tell she was talking and complaining about her. Once is [sic] awhile she could hear her say “[DIL’s name]”…She put up with it a couple of years, until after her first baby came (my uncle xxx). One night she wrapped the baby in a heavy blanket, put on her coat, slipped out, deciding to run away. She must have been desparate [sic]. There was no place to go. She went to the woods to think what to do. Then she heard [son] calling her. She didn’t answer, and then she heard him crying. He took her back home and after that she was the boss in her own house. He must have laid down the law to his mother…”</p>
<p>Although my MIL isn’t a MIL from hell, she is one of the most dumbest educated women I know.</p>
<p>After a few torturous visits sleeping on some ancient mattress, my H told her that we probably wouldn’t be visiting one summer because that old bed was killing our backs. Instead of offering to purchase a new mattress, she offered to put us up in a hotel for 2 weeks. We had to point out to her that the cost of a new Queen set at Sams Club would be less expensive and would then also be available for future visits. :rolleyes:</p>
<p>What’s wrong with a $20 Christmas gift? They should be grateful to be thought of.</p>
<p>Your in-laws are perfectly consistent: they are frugal with themselves, too. It would be one thing if they were giving wildly unequal gifts that throw a difference in affection in people’s faces, but they aren’t doing that, are they?</p>
<p>Are you saying that your mother loves your children more because she spends more money on gifts?</p>
My kids have this situation, too. While they are grateful, they notice that the grandmother with less money is more generous than the one with a lot more money. I find I am only able to go so far in excusing the difference while still being truthful.</p>
<p>“they notice that the grandmother with less money is more generous than the one with a lot more money.”</p>
<p>We have a bit of this problem ourselves, and have resolved it by adding a line item to our budget that goes to a joint account shared by Happydad & his mom. I cannot change the way my wonderful MIL views gift-giving (always a present, never just a card, bare minimum of $50 for every occasion from mother’s day to birthday to anniversary, and all on a minimum wage job), but I can sure guarantee that her car insurance gets paid, and that she has a safety cushion for any expensive emergency.</p>
<p>I liked that my in-laws didn’t go overboard with gifts. They also were very frugal in their own lives and I honored that, though I don’t exactly follow their example.</p>
<p>My FIL was a crazy man about presents. He would buy gifts all year long so when Christmas or birthdays came, there would be a mountain of lavish gifts for each kid. That’s what my girls remember about him. Not a bad thing to be remembered that way by your grandkids.</p>
<p>My destructive MIL is a compulsive gift-giver. It’s part of her narcissistic personality pattern. She sends my husband two or three boxes a WEEK. They go to his work address. She buys him most of his clothes. He’s 51 years old, for chrissakes, and I’ve been clothes shopping with him maybe three times in our 22-year marriage. MIL used to buy all my daughter’s clothes, too, until DD became a teenager- then she gave her a Macy’s card. She bought all our Christmas tree decorations. She bought DD every beanie baby that came out (and no, they are not worth any money). She sends PRE-Christmas presents. We get HUGE boxes from UPS every Christmas. She decided my husband likes duck decoys- now our living room is filled with dozens of duck decoys. I never get asked my opinion. We get innumerable gadgets- garlic roasters, punchbowls, Jefferson cups (some Virginia thing), two or theee Virginia hams for every holdiay, etc, etc. She even buys my H and D shoes…which you really have to buy for yourself if you want them to fit. They get donated.
At first I complained about all the junk, but then I decided it wasn’t that big of a problem compared to the big picture of MIL horror stories. But now I see the complusive gift-giving for what it is- trying to buy love/demand gratitude.
One time she bought a wedding present in OUR name for some people we didn’t know and whose wedding we weren’t invited to (distant relative or friend, I can’t remember), and then sent US a mock thank-you letter for the gift.
My own 90-year-old mother and father send a joint check for birthday and Christmas, and a check to my D. When they were younger, there would be other small gifts such as books or family heirlooms. I am used to a small but thoughtful number of gifts- we always got a big Christmas present like a bike or stereo when we were kids, but just one, and not every year. The over-gifting makes me very uncomfortable, and same with my SIL (my H’s brother’s wife). But somehow WE become the *****es.</p>