<p>Wait a moment…Your children have received presents from their grandparents? A card for a birthday? A Christmas or Chanukah gifts? You might have received a baby gift as well?</p>
<p>Tell me how that feels?</p>
<p>*I used to joke that we would buy the worst sofasleeper with the worst mattress so that the relatives would want to stay elsewhere </p>
<p>** maybe she was dumb like a fox, m2ck *</p>
<p>lol…I wish. No, she expects/demands 2 long visits per year no matter what…and she’s relentless about the subject. Frankly, she loves when we’re there because she can’t cook and loves the home-cooked meals she gets when we’re there. She loves being doted on, driven around, taken to church, etc, which we do while we’re there. </p>
<p>BTW…she did buy the bed after H told her…and the other siblings who’ve used the old bed are also deeply grateful… ; Seriously, she just doesn’t have the “walking around smarts” about these things. The whole hotel/new bed issue is just one of MANY short-sighted bad ideas over the years.</p>
<p>My FIL would but my kids toys and such then complain our house was cluttered. He refused to visit our house, in the same city, when we had 4 kids under the age of 7. He expected us at his house but his wife didn’t want kids touching anything in the house.
I’d much rather my in-laws or parents spent time with my kids, called them or attended events then money. He gives them money now, youngest one is 16, but they have no real relationship.
We moved to where my parents live. They have plenty of money and my kids have and will benefit from it in the future, but my parents were there physically and mentally with love, as they grew up. My FIL is now not talking to his two other grandsons for reasons unknown and it’s a roulette wheel which son he’s not speaking to. In the community he lives in, he’s a gem that everyone loves.
Thank goodness we moved
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<p>You could have this guy for a father in law.</p>
<p>Maybe because of this thread giving me encouragement…my fil isn’t really speaking to my bil and sil, he’s on the s##t list this rotation. My fil speaking at a dinner they’re being honored that the invitation to my sil/bil “got lost”. Rescued that. We drove in (they live in same city), my fil introduces me to people as the “good” side of his family. I look him in the eye and say “we’re all good side”. He sputters and says, of course. Barely acknowledged my sil after giving me a hug. Next year, we’ll have done something we don’t know about and be on the s##t list, got to go on defensive while i’m in good graces</p>
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<p>“Roulette wheel”
It’s almost a joke around here–sometimes siblings and SO’s hope to be on the outs with MIL so they don’t have to talk to her. The question always seems to be who is on the list and what imagined wrong did they do to get there? And do they know they’re on the list?</p>
<p>On the topic of gifts -
When I went to visit my future in laws for the first time I brought a gift basket that I had put together. I flew to their hometown with this basket as my carry on. It contained all sorts of items from my area of the country(New England). When I gave it to them rather than say Thank You my MIL took one of the items and held it up as if she did not want to touch it, started to swing it around and said " I can buy this in my own grocery store down the street! WHAT! KIND! OF! IDIOT! would fly ALL THIS WAY to give me THIS! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha"</p>
<p>I was mortified! I was young. If that happened today I would have called a cab and gone right back to the airport!</p>
<p>Her nonsense continues to this day. She frequently calls me stupid or other references that I am stupid or an idiot or I ask stupid questions etc… Not to be snotty but I have a 4 year degree and an MBA! She has neither but thinks that she is brilliant! At any given moment she is either a lawyer (because all she does is watch Judge Judy) or a financial advisor (because she watches Suze Orman) or a doctor (because she watches Dr. Oz)!</p>
<p>sportsmom–sounds like a dreadful experience. We stopped giving our in-laws gifts because they were clearly uncomfortable receiving them. Your MIL sounds either narcissistic or really insecure. Also mean, but it might help you to think of her as terribly insecure. In any case, there is no pleasing her, so no point in trying. My in-laws were not at all mean, they just didn’t know how to handle gifts.</p>
<p>Thanks, Bethievt! Appreciate your comment. Yes she is mean and insecure etc… but mostly she is just a plain old anti-social mean person! She has alienated her whole family & has no friends. She can not make it back from a simple trip to Costco or the mall without having some type of altercation where she has told someone they are STUPID!!!- seriously! STUPID is her favorite word these days!</p>
<p>Sportsmom…</p>
<p>Oh my. How does your H respond when he witnesses or hears about these horribly attacks?</p>
<p>Sportsmom,
Thank goodness your H has grown into a wonderful loving husband, in spite of his mom. It must be very lonely being her. Sorry you have had to put up with your MIL’s attacks.</p>
<p>My in-laws rarely give gifts (other than gift cards) but seem to appreciate those we give them (at least they’ve never held them up and openly ridiculed any of them). I think your gift basket was most thoughtful and most hostesses would be delighted and nearly any feeling person who wasn’t would at least be appreciative of your thoughtful gesture.</p>
<p>How sad to be aging and friendless, alienating everyone around you. I hope MIL has good plans and resources to care for herself as she ages because she has certainly made herself unlovable.</p>
<p>Wow, I think a gift basket from your local area is an absolutely lovely and thoughtful gift. Certainly one I would be quite delighted to receive from a visitor or in law to be.</p>
<p>Any gift should be graciously accepted and appreciation should be shown. It is rude not to do so. </p>
<p>It was a thoughtful gift, SP2016. How difficult it must be to deal with your mil.</p>
<p>Your mother-in-laws reaction to your gift is truly amazing, sports mom. Wow, I will try to never complain about my in-laws again. Really. What a thoughtful gift – I personally would love a gift basket like that. I only hope my own future sons/daughters-in-laws will be so thoughtful. This thread is inspiring me to be able to weather people’s (different/odd/difficult) personalities better – and also making me feel a little ashamed of not appreciating my in-laws enough!</p>
<p>@Mom@College: Over the years my husband has said things to his mother. He has tried different tactics from calling her out on the spot to having a heart to heart talks. He has asked her multiple times “how is your attitude & treatment of people working for you?” Nothing seems to work. He sees her bad behaviour and agrees that this is not my problem or doing and says that the lack of a relationship is 100% her doing. She honestly feels that she makes an effort with people including me. His latest decision has been to have limited contact/exposure to her. As a general concept I find this sad because it would break my heart if my son did not want much to do with me.</p>
<p>As you can imagine, growing up with a mother such as this woman, my husband had a very independent childhood where he really started providing for himself around the age of 14. His overall attitude is - do not expect much and you will not be disappointed. For example - this is a woman who claims to be a non-cook and who never ever cooked a meal for her child (seriously) yet goes to great lengths to cook fabulous meals for her dog (chicken, brown rice, and two veggies per meal)! </p>
<p>I have loads of other stories that I will not share. Thanks all for listening and offering kind comments. I will say this… to my future daughter -in - law where ever you and who ever you are… SportsMom2016 will be the best MIL to you ever! Promise!</p>
<p>You know…if some of these awful MIL stories were shown in sitcoms (like Raymond, etc), we’d be thinking, “Oh good heavens, who would ever be that rude or mean…this is too over the top to be believable.” Yet, truth is stranger than fiction.</p>
<p>Mental illness, addictions, or similar must explain some of these most outrageous examples.</p>
<p>Sportsmom, You’re lucky your husband stands up for you. I finally had to write a letter to my MIL after she emailed my DAUGHTER (her granddaughter) to find out “what I did to make your mother mad at me” after totally insulting me behind my back to her son (my H). In the letter, I told her, first, not to involve my daughter in this. If she has something to say to me, she should say it to my face. I told her we need support right now, and if she doesn’t want to support me, fine, but she is hurting her son and granddaughter by her criticisms of me.
I had to do this because when she says negative things about me, my H doesn’t stand up for me- he tries to smooth it over. He hasn’t told her that I know all the negative remarks she has made about me to him, like I walk out of the room whenever she comes in. At least now she’ll know that I know all the s#$%% she’s been saying about me. He is so scared of her, he wouldn’t tell her!
Thank God she’s 3000 miles away.
And I will never be this kind of mother, or mother-in-law. Too much bad karma.</p>
<p>Good Morning,</p>
<p>Tptshorty, I re-read this thread. Back in post #23 you mention your illness. I am incredibly sorry that you are dealing with this wretched woman during this time in your life. This woman is a low form of human being to be pulling her nonsense when you are ill! I am glad that you sent your MIL a letter! GOOD FOR YOU - that is mellow compared to what she REALLY deserves! Has she responded?</p>
<p>Also, is there any other family member who could speak to her? I am not suggesting that they try to “fix” her - as I do not think that is possible. People like this are clearly incredibly self centered/ self absorbed and probably have a mental illness etc… so if someone could approach MIL and and flip things around to focus on her…plant the seed in her twisted mind that she is making herself look really bad but, more importanly, people know about her behaviour and think she looks really bad!</p>
<p>Along the way I have had many conversations with myself about this issue with my MIL. A few years back I decided that I was not going to spend any of my energy on my MIL. I can not change her. She has problems and she is going to be mean to me but I do not have to let her actions waste my time! Tptshorty, you are a good person - do not let this person waste another second of your precious time!</p>
<p>^^^What she said.</p>
<p>And tptshorty, any further interactions you have with your MIL – if you have any – will be on your terms now, not hers.</p>
<p>Update to something that was mentioned earlier about a glimpse into my future lol. </p>
<p>Today we (future MIL, future FIL, bf, bf’s brother, and bf’s brother’s gf) were all playing cards and having a good time. Out of no where she brings up the last name issue. We all just kind of stared at each other, completely unsure of where that came from. I calmly said that I would keep my last name and that has always been my plan. She said that it would confuse our children, make it look like a dysfunctional family, and reflect poorly on her (because somehow that means that she screwed up??). Not only did my boyfriend finally cut in and say that it was our choice, but so did my future FIL. BF said it was our choice and we were still talking about what to do with our kids. FIL, being a bit more firm, said it was our decision and he supports us no matter what. I guess this is a good sign and we’ll see where it goes from here :). </p>
<p>All I keep thinking though is that if she doesn’t like this semi non-traditional thing, then she’s really, REALLY going to hate our wedding. Sigh 
I wish I could make her accept me, but I can’t. I will continue to be a nice person and live my life how I want to. She may rant in the background if she wishes.</p>