<p>I hope this labeling of people by their religion, race, nationality, sexual orientation is generational and will die out once they are no longer around. My MIL constantly qualifies everyone - my son the adopted one, I’m the Jewish DIL, her first cousin is “the one who married the ex-priest and has the gay son”, the one who dropped out of college… No matter the conversation when speaking these are always interjected. She doesn’t say it with malice but for some reason, only known to her, always feels the need to.</p>
<p>She also says things which she thinks are compliments- like when she said in front of the whole family how my son "the adopted one’ is so smart because he is Asian!</p>
<p>Emily, my future MIL is around the age of most parents here. I’m labeled by my religion (or lack thereof) and politics. Her family doesn’t like me because they think I’m Jewish but she doesn’t go that far. I’m “the girlfriend who’s not Catholic”.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, I don’t see it dying off for at least another few generations.</p>
<p>My MIL (may she rest in peace) never said anything outright critical. Just the usual suggestions about putting a sweater on that baby if you go out. I didn’t mind – she meant well.</p>
<p>The one thing she always said that stays with me and I’ll start using when I’m a MIL: if it isn’t one damn thing it’s another!</p>
<p>Upon becoming engaged, my former mil cried, and told my former h “why didn’t you tell me? I’ll have nothing to do with your wedding” (he was 28 I was 27, her older s 35 still living at home, she acted as if I was robbing the cradle.</p>
<p>She later would bring gifts to our s, while ignoring our d, also refusing to hold any of the three as babies. former husband didn’t do well at expressing his displeasure, he would make it clear any complaint came from me. nonetheless, over the years we forged a relationship, because she did do her best to be an involved grandmother, but she was a very difficult person. truth is she played a very negative role in our marriage, of course not the reason for the divorce, former h did well on his own </p>
<p>I was deeply saddened that she was all alone through a long illness, (former h told me she didn’t want me to visit) May she rip. she was a very unhappy woman.</p>
<p>My MIL is fine–it’s my mother who makes the prime comments. Not like some of those mentioned on this thread–but thngs that just show a lack of empathy. An example:
Me: D sang a solo in church today!
Mom: What did she sing?
Me: “The Lord of the Dance.”
Mom: I don’t like that song.</p>
<p>Hunt, you beat me to it! That’s exactly the sort of thing my mother would say! My MIL is gracious and says only nice things to her grandchildren.</p>
<p>My mother too! I always know to take a deep breath when the words “I’m only saying this because I love you, but…”. It is ALWAYS followed by the most critical, but trivial CRAP you have ever heard. </p>
<p>“Now don’t get upset, I only wanted to say something because you know if I am thinking it, the rest of the world is thinking it too and I love you enough to tell you”. </p>
<p>AHHHH</p>
<p>Husbands family is a whole 'nother level of dysfunctional jerks, can’t even go there.</p>
<p>If you cannot control situation, it should not bother you. Why it does? To be bothered by something out of your control is complete waste of time and will cause depression. Why people want to bring depression on themselves? This type of thinking is usually learned at the age of 15 or younger. Just normal social rules for self-preservation.</p>
<p>^This is something that I said. Yes, I am MIL and I have great relationship with my DIL. My MIL has been gone…and it never matters to me who said what as well as nobody needs to pay attention to what I said. I just replied because OP seems to be looking for advice.</p>
<p>I don’t see where OP asked for advice, but if she had I don’t think “You should have learned and gotten over this 30 years ago” was particularly helpful, especially as she’s dealing with Stage IV lung cancer. I took this thread as a place to vent. :)</p>
Especially when those people are in your family of choice. You married their son, you’re the mother of their grandchildren - they should communicate appreciation and gratitude, or else say nothing. Criticism - especially this kind - hurts.</p>
<p>ellebud, I’m not clear on how your mil could be such a public anti-semite while also loving the money from her husband being in show business. Did she just choke on her words when the machers were around?</p>
<p>My MIL (deceased more than 20 years) didn’t really like much of anyone, so after a while I tried not to take anything she said too personally. Like when, as a newly engaged 23 yr old and at my own mother’s suggestion, I invited her to “view” the wedding dress. Her comment: “ivory?” long and significant stare “well I wore white … because … you know”</p>
<p>My mother took me aside and said, “you do NOT have to go through with this wedding.”</p>
<p>Later I found out my she had asked my husband if he had to marry me ?!?<br>
No grandchildren from us for almost a decade. Guess what she had to say about that? :)</p>
<p>Well I’ll start with a joke my dad used to tell … what’s the difference between an inlaw and an outlaw? The outlaw is wanted. ba dum dum… I’ll be here all week folks!</p>
<p>I do like my inlaws and their parents god love 'em, said things like - I do feel sorry for x, she can’t help that she’s black.</p>
<p>I raised my kids to be polite and nice kids. However, my sil’s kids are holy terrors. She used to tell me she stayed up nights worrying that my kids would be kidnapped because they were too polite and quiet. At least her other grandchildren screamed in stores so no one would go near them.</p>
<p>My first MIL busted out crying when H and I announced our engagement and later disowned H at our wedding reception. My second MIL was wonderful but passed away a few years after we married. My own mother told me once, “I never thought you would get married once, much less twice, much less ever have a baby”.</p>
<p>My MIL isn’t mean, just pushy and seemingly unaware of how rude she comes across. Or she just doesn’t give a damn! Two weeks ago, ds1 and I took her to lunch with her dd and dd’s ds1, and MIL said, “Why didn’t you (dd’s ds1) get any scholarships like (my ds1)?” How rude!!! Her dd gave her a death stare, and MIL laughed and later said, “I just say things sometimes without thinking.” The fact that she has that much self-awareness was surprising. My ds1 commented about it later. I’m sorry, but being 84 is no excuse when you know better. And I don’t know what her excuse was when she was 60 either!</p>
<p>My FIL, however … he’s in the ellebud’s MIL category.</p>
<p>My own mom has said plenty of things that are hurtful. Has anyone seen “Real Women Have Curves”? That’s like a documentary to me. ;)</p>
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