<p>I am fortunate that my mother is still very healthy and is taking care of my dad, who is failing. He is still ambulatory and drives, but has a bad heart and prostate cancer (in remission at the moment). I live close by, speak with them by phone every day and see them at least once a week. When they need me I am there, but luckily it hasn’t been too much during the college apps period. I’m an only child, so anything that happens will be mine to deal with.</p>
<p>As for S, since he was about 10 I have programmed him thusly: “When I am 90 years old, you will change my diaper.” Let’s hope it sticks, like the sacred dictum “put the toilet seat down!” - it finally worked after 250,000 repetitions. My stepdaughter says not to worry - she will change my diaper if he refuses.</p>
<p>Nedad, best wishes as you deal with your mother’s situation. </p>
<p>Here we are still recuping from a sandwich situation, but I know my kids witnessed a lot of love and care, and helped too in their own sweet ways. If they appreciate and emulate, the world is a little bit better despite the sorrows and difficulties. </p>
<p>I enjoy your posts and hope that you will continue to take breaks here on CC, a sort of change of scenery.</p>
<p>nedad…honestly, you should probably talk to someone about asset protection for your mom’s nest egg, in case you have to go the institutional route. The rules are very complicated and vary state to state, and you really need to know all the rules for your state IN ADVANCE of any such decisions.</p>
<p>If I knew then what I know now, about how old people are treated in our society, and about the abysmal “choices” available to many of them, I truly think that I would have chosen, as a life’s work, some form of work related to trying to fix some of these issues–in particular, architecture (there has GOT to be a more appealing way to build and design these places), or elder-care policy work, or something. </p>
<p>On a related note, check out the movie reviews in the Friday edition of the NY Times, for a new film called Sunset Story–about Sunset Hall, a “nonprofit retirement home for free-thinking elders”–opening Friday in Manhattan.</p>
<p>And bhg’s statement, “His mom was there for him, now he is there for her.” brought to mind that lovely child’s picture book that always made me cry when I read it, called “Love You Forever”.</p>
<p>Someone asked how they manage in other countries. I don’t know that, but in Ohio we have a rather large Amish community. Much care is done as part of of their extended family, and within their religious community. Visiting of hospitals is quite a social affair - as they have to hire an ‘english’ with a van to drive them. Amish society is not a utopia, but there are areas where they have us beat hands-down. The isolation that many of us feel is typically not an issue.</p>
<p>My own feeling is the elderly should, if possible, stay in a family situation until it’s just not possible to do so. The stories here of people freezing to death and burning themselves point up safety issues that are beyond the ability of most of us to manage. It is our obligation to do our best, not to do the impossible.</p>
<p>I just got an E-MAIL my grandma last night (!!!), who has been living in an “enriched” type of facility for the past 2 years. (patient, it’s in a renovated elementary school building, as many such residences are - these seem to me to be rather ideally suited.)
A team of hs kids has been coming in to teach seniors about the internet, so now she’s got her own e-mail account and is loving that she can connect with her family this way. She’s a frequent presence in her facility’s computer room, and has always loved playing solitaire and the slots.</p>
<p>Her big news is that she’s got a BOYFRIEND - a somewhat younger man (90) who keeps pressing her to let him take her out to dinner. She, however, is reluctant to get into a car with anyone over the age of 85 behind the wheel. I think the actual reason is that she spent 64 years telling my grandpa exactly how to drive, and she doesn’t know how well the new beau would tolerate that arrangement.</p>
<p>Mileage varies A LOT with senior residences/facilities, but my grandma could not be happier. Good situations are out there.</p>
<p>frazzled1–what a sweet story. Tell me about this renovated school! (In California, most schools are single story with just rows and rows of classrooms–so I imagine you are talking about something far cozier…am curious. If I were building one, it would have lots of light, windows, courtyards, cozy lounges, cafe-style dining areas–would less institutional REALLY be so hard or expensive to build? What you usually see are long hallways with people just parked in their wheelchairs outside their rooms–I can’t imagine that that does anything but hasten their unhappiness and mental/physical decline.</p>
<p>Picking up on marite and nedad’s experiences with painkillers. Probably the most elucidating experience for me in this dealing with age process is that of my aunt. At 85, she was failing badly after heart surgery. In rehab, she was on several medications for pain, depression,… I don’t know what all. What I do know is that she had no appetite at all, could do virtually nothing for herself, had a heart which was weakening, we were told, every moment. I flew down to see her when she was expected to live only a matter of a few weeks and the doctor suggested coming sooner rather than later while she was “still lucid.”</p>
<p>My cousin, her wonderful daughter, decided to bring her to her home for her last days. Aunt Y deteriorated quickly, as expected: had zero energy, could barely move, seemed to know we were there to spend time with her, but that was it. My cousin’s family practitioner (no specialty in gerontology at all), suggested a medication - often used in HIV/AIDs treatment, I believe - which might help her with appetite, as she simply was not eating at all.</p>
<p>That change in medication brought about a noticeable increase in appetite and energy over a gradual (weeks? one month?) period. He changed one other medication, I believe swapping one antidepressant for another.</p>
<p>The change was beyond unbelievable. We celebrated her 86th bday with her living siblings gathered from all points, some 10 months after she was no longer expected to be with us. Today, she is 89! Living with her daughter but quite self-sufficient in almost every way. Mind as sharp as a tack. Memory great too. Gads about with her great-grandchildren. </p>
<p>Moral of the story: Question the medications! I wish it were clear who to turn to for the “last word”, but there seems to be an (unfortunate) element of luck. The MD who turned my aunt’s life around was not at all the specialty one would seek out for advice in this realm.</p>
<p>ITA
My mother had a psychotic break/anxiety attack while my brother in law and sister were living with her while their new home was being built-( they thought she was battlling with the devil )
I didn’t have alot of contact with her during that period as, that summer my oldest was in the hospital for 8 weeks after she was born in another city.
Her doctor placed her on thorazine which she stayed on for several years, and all the doctor would say when I expressed my concern about the medication was * I will tell your mother *. Well she already knew, but the medication was so strong she couldnt’ function. She didn’t get off of it until that doctor retired and she had to find someone new. She still has zero memory of that time, and doesn’t remember being on it .</p>
<p>Wonderful, terrible thread, so easy to identify with everyone. My father died recently, and though my mother is not in the worst shape for 80, parents were so close for so long, 60+ years, that it was a major concern of mine that she might soon follow, as seems so often to happen. Like many a brother, I was counting on my younger sister to do more than her share to keep the old lady going. Now she, my sister, has horribly metasticized breast cancer, which we thought she had beaten 10 years ago. The outlook is grim, and she (unmarried) will need lots of help. So now, ironically, my mother feels she has a purpose in life again, and I begin to see the road I’ll be travelling as well.</p>
patient - my experience with rehab/nursing facilities is the long halls with rows of rooms, rather hospital-like even when they try. However my experience checking out assisted living facilities in our area is exactly as you have describe in your ideal portrait. These places are appealing! At least as far as physical plant, and from what I can observe, also in atmosphere of sociability, congeniality, care, activity, etc. I have seen, for example, lovely homey dining rooms supplemented by smaller homey dining rooms for entertaining one’s own family privately, “ice cream parlor” cafes, courtyards, game rooms…</p>
<p>These are in the $4000-$5000/month range in our area. Some might find them a little boeurgois (why can’t I spell today?), but they are as far from institutional and depressing as you can get.</p>
<p>Frazled -
Glad to hear a happy story! A real-time connection with the world, and a boyfriend - good for your grandmother. That is the other side of the coin - living in a family situation means that an elderly person misses the company of their peers. Participation in a church, temple, arts or community group allows for socializing outside the family.</p>
<p>regarding long term health care- My Mom was able to purchase LTHC through my sister’s employer. The employer offered this as a benefit to their employees and extended it to parents. The rate was quite a bit less then the policy they ended up purchasing for my stepfather who did not qualify for the plan as he had some health issues that made him no eligible for the employers plan. If you or your siblings work for a government employee you might have this option available to you.
Both my father in law and my Mom used their plans. My Mom was insistant that she would not go to a “home” or live with one of her children. She struggled the last years of her life. The last yr was bedridden. She had caregivers 24 hours a day almost 5 days a week with family members filling in. Between social security, a small pension(that was a defined benefit plan so continued as long as she was living) and the long term health care along with some retirement savings she managed to stay in her home. She worried that she would not be leaving any money for her children but our feeling was that that was what the money was for. My siblings( there were a lot of us) also agreed that if at some point Mom ran out of money we would all pitch in to help cover the caregiver cost. She died a little more than a year ago and we were able to grant her wish to stay in her home.<br>
My parents were not wealthy people but my Mom had spent time thinking about this time of her life and tried her best to plan for it.
Best of luck to all of you</p>
<p>a word of warning
My grandmother had a long term health care policy but no one knew where it was.
I suspected it was in a safe deposit box, but I didn’t have information about where that box was and my mother was too out of it to research. Make sure that someone knows where all your papers are.</p>
<p>My mother insisted on moving her into a nursing home close to her, after she was unable to stay in her senior apartment, and it was difficult for me to visit her there as my youngest had just been born and had her own special needs.
While my grandmother was living closer to me, I had called her everyday and took her to the doctor and grocery store, and I regretted that it was so hard for me to visit her in the nursing home. Both my mother and sister had assured me that she didn’t know what was going on and wouldn’t notice if I was there, which delayed my initial visit. I was horrified to find that when I did visit her a few weeks after she had been moved, that while she didn’t have small muscle control, and couldn’t speak intelligibly, she was very aware of what was going on and could communicate.
As my mother and sister lived much closer I had hoped that they would keep me posted on her condition, but neither was very motivated to do so. My grandmother died soon after my visit and although she left my mother about $100,000,000 after expenses, she wouldn’t agree to a funeral.</p>
<p>Mom60,
Yes, it does take planning to anticipate the unexpected. H & I also purchased LTC last yr…not wanting to saddle our children with our day-to-day care. We are still fairly young and plan to retire before age 60. Hopefully, we will get a few yrs of traveling in before settling in to a life a leisure.</p>
<p>We lost the children’s great-grandfather last yr at age 94. We moved my parents nearby about 3 yrs ago due to health issues and better medical care. Dad no longer drives…so there have been issues we have had to deal with. In the last 36 months, he has had a heart attack, 2 angioplasties, and gall bladder operation…which reminds me, I have to make an appt for him to see his VA doctor. Such is life…</p>
<p>Jmmom, this is great advice for anyone in a hospital or health care facility, regardless of age, and for anyone taking more than one prescription. Drug interaction is a major issue in elder health care and can be responsible for personality changes, decreased appetite and activity levels, decreased efficacy of individual drugs, etc. If you have an elderly loved one on many medications, especially one who sees different specialists, you might want to have his/her pharmacist or internist do an evaluation of all the prescriptions in his/her regimen - just put 'em all in a paper bag and bring 'em in. Our senior center periodically has a “brown bag day” - people bring in their prescription bottles and a visiting pharmacist notes potential incompatibilities, suggests questions for the primary physician, etc.</p>
<p>patient, each of my grandmas has lived in a senior facility renovated from an older elementary school. I am pretty oblivious about physical surroundings (which has enabled me to live contentedly with my particular children), but I think these facilities look and feel very comfortable. They provide a sense of “being in the neighborhood,” features like hardwood floors, lots of windows, wide hallways, etc. Recycling older school buildings into senior residences is pretty common around here.</p>
<p>All comments so interesting.
Another thing is the new practice of putting the beds down in nursing homes at night. Apparently, there have always been fractures due to patients falling when getting out of bed at night to use the bathroom. Now, the new procedure is to lower beds to about 6" off the floor at night. The patients can’t fall out of bed but it ruins all concept of independence.No hope of getting out of bed. Ugh.</p>
<p>This was a hard thread to read, as I went through this last year when my mom had emergency surgery and spent 5 weeks in ICU on life support before passing away almost a year ago. Multiple, multiple trips up to the NE to be there, take care of things, plan the funeral, ultimately disconnect the life support (that was horrible) and take care of my dad, who fell apart after she died. Then I had to take care of him, all his affairs and all the stuff after my mom’s death. Dad ended up in the hospital for 2 1/2 mos, and as a result of some of the treatment he ultimately required, he has little memory of last year. That is a mixed blessing.</p>
<p>My bro resurfaced after 15 yrs and has been a challenge, but my dad “thinks” he is being helpful. Sigh… Now my dad is going through his own health issues. Scheduled to have another procedure in a few weeks. Somewhere in all this, I had a business to run, family to take care of (thank heavens for a wonderful H), older s’s college stuff, then s’s illness ahd hospitalization this summer just before (literally, 3 days before) he headed off to college. Then, to lose my dog to CHF a few weeks ago… I need a break. </p>
<p>But somehow you just do it. Don’t know how, but you just do. Some of the stories above are truly heart-wrenching, and I truly sympathize with all of you.</p>