Self-centered Teen - please tell me it's a phase

Parent Cafe
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<p>I am a psychologist, and a parent, and it is a phase…it is a hard phase,and it shows up differently in each type of temperment of kid. And some kids are easier going than others, same as adults. But honestly, to that 17 year old who posted about bad parenting, it is the opposite…kids lash out at those they are closest to and trust will not leave them for their “stuff”. Generally, it is the good parents who get targeted. </p>

<p>Lspf thank you for the note. My kids had lived with me all their lives, he left when they were young. They visited with him, but very little inolvement about school and extracurriculars…and suddenly bam, shes gone and he is fueling the “mom is an idiot” fire she has brewing.</p>

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<p>" if Nature didn’t make them so surly at this age, you would never want them to leave!" - True. </p>

<p>Ha, that reminds me of what I tell expectant parents… the 9th month of pregnancy is God’s way of making women look forward to labor.</p>

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<p>@stategrad</p>

<p>Going through that stage right now? No. I am not in the least your typical teenager. I don’t lie to my parents about sleepovers so I can go get wasted. I work three jobs because I hate when my parents have to spend too much money on me, and I run a non-profit because I genuinely want to help the future generation.</p>

<p>I might be an exception, but I hate being stereotyped by parents who just can’t do their jobs. I was raised by a single mom, and I have the utmost respect for what she has done for me. I understood what she was sacrificing to constantly be there to make dinner, do laundry, or drive us around like a taxi driver. </p>

<p>Yes, sometimes I forget to make my bed or I moan and grown while doing the dishes. That does not make me self-centered. That makes me human. Do you really want a completely compliant, obedient child? You want a child who voices his or her opinions, disagrees at times, but does so respectfully.</p>

<p>I personally feel that I am not an exception. I feel like that would be taking much-due credit away from my mom. She did an exceptional job, and I recognize that the reason I turned out the way I did, an “exception”, is because she spent time with me, she gave up her life for me. For that, I am selfish.</p>

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<p>I think stategrad was merely pointing out the irony of you taking a post about my daughter in which i seek advice and making it all about you, your exemplary behavior and your impressive charitable accomplishments, while at the same time proclaiming yourself to be free of self-centered proclivities.</p>

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<p>my son was a difficult child from the day he was born until he was midway thru college.</p>

<p>Apparently, now that he’s almost 2 years out of college, he realizes that I was a better mom than he gave me ‘credit’ for and he admits being a stubborn, defiant person - just to rattle me.</p>

<p>Never had a drug, alcohol or behavior problem, just a serious case of ‘stubbornality disorder’ for about 20 years.</p>

<p>I always joke that my son learned to talk and talk-back, all in the SAME day</p>

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<p>I only did that because that was the only way to prove that it is not an “all teenager” phase. </p>

<p>This is just a typical parent thread, because misery wants company. If it’s not just your child who is self centered, then hey, you did your job. It’s just nature!</p>

<p>That’s not true, and that complacency is the root of the problem. If you showed your daughter she wouldn’t get away with that from the very beginning, you wouldn’t have this problem. I know, most parents want to be their child’s friend, and they don’t want their son or daughter to hate them. But, the truth is, if you do a good job parenting, they won’t hate you. They’ll appreciate you.</p>

<p>And considering this thread is about your daughter not appreciating you and thinking the world revolves around her…</p>

<p>I did not make this about me because I wanted the attention. I don’t need the acceptance of an internet forum. I simply provided a counter-case. </p>

<p>If you’ve ever done anything you are truly proud of, you shouldn’t consider discussing it when applicable “self-centered” in anyway.</p>

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<p>soiling the nest, soiling the nest. :-)</p>

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<p>Thanks for having a thread like this. My D is definitely a candidate for the what alien being took my daughter and took her place in a remarkably identical body award. I also find that when we are both well rested that conflict is much less. I can better ignore what needs to be ignored and set limits calmly and she is less likely to melt down. I do hope this phase ends sooner rather than later.</p>

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<p>18yr old college freshman here. </p>

<p>If things go like they normally do, by the time they leave they’re gunna realize what they’re leaving behind when get to campus. </p>

<p>Good/bad parenting isn’t the exactly the cause of it, aeisrael. Kids are separate people than their parents and this is just the age where they start to feel it. Rebellious/defiant behavior is gunna happen to some degree whether or not it is extreme is up to the kid and what they end up doing. </p>

<p>we all love our parents, we do. not necessarily the most efficient at expressing it, however :P</p>

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<p>stick her in a math-heavy field. Then watch the humility return.</p>

<p>The worst thing you can do is steer her towards a major with local barriers to entry and no objective way of determining intelligence. In that world, her self-absorption gets validated.</p>

<p>Good luck!.</p>

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<p>aeisrael, sorry but you’re wrong. It’s not all about the parenting style. Great parents can have kids that are difficult, and terrible parents can have kids that are wonderful - it’s only a small part of the picture.</p>

<p>If you saw my middle D’s behavior at home, you would say she hates me, and at times she even thinks she does. Yes, you are the exception, if you really do recognize the sacrifices your mother has made for you - but does SHE know you recognize those sacrifices? You yourself are exhibiting some of the very same behaviors that the adults here hate - assuming that a clear generalization is an attack on you. Good way of coming accross as self-centered!</p>

<p>MiniKitty has it right, rebellion is a normal stage, and one that many if not most teens pass through to some degree. In most cases, they will return to what we consider normal, and will not only respect us, but will show that respect.</p>

<p>While my daughter hates the idea that I want to know where she is if she visits a friend after school, and I want to know the parents before I allow her to spend the night, I have overheard conversations with friends whose parents don’t sweat the details who wish their parents cared enough to ask. The same daughter who hates when we take family vacations, because she would rather hang out with friends, dismisses the idea that those friends wish their families would take vacations - and have stated as much in front of me. The grass is always greener…</p>

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<p>MiniKitty, thanks for your post–it’s great to hear from young people about this!
I have to say that as a high school teacher, as well as a mom of five whose oldest is 24, I have a different perspective. </p>

<p>While self-centeredness is to be expected in this age group, I do not believe that rudeness is EVER acceptable. I realize we’re not all posting about the same thing, but I have to draw the line at rudeness no matter how much of a ‘stage’ it is. I do feel it is our job as parents & teachers to educate teens to consider someone else’s feelings and points of view. You would not believe some of the behavior I see, both extreme acts of jaw dropping rudeness, and extreme acts of mature thoughtfulness and kindness. </p>

<p>Again, I"m not talking about self-centeredness, but real rudeness, sometimes jaw-dropping. I hate to say it, but there is often a correlation between the behavior and what the parent accepts as normal. I have heard the most abusive comments from teens directed to their parents right in front of me. These include: “Shut up, b–” “Go away, just drop me off and stop talking” “You’re so stupid” and so on. This is all right in front of the teacher. THe most appalling part is the parent will then APOLOGIZE TO THE TEEN! I have seen parents apologize for speaking, for asking whether their teen is hungry during meal time, for being five minutes late from work to pick them up. The teen acts like they’re the boss and the parent is his/her personal slave. I see this much more in upper middle class circles, but it’s endemic I’m sorry to say. MY theory is that this sort of behavior is very common on teen TV channels and the internet, and teens model themselves based on that. </p>

<p>As a teacher, I have taught my students by modeling appropriate behavior, rewarding them for polite respectful communication, having them ‘retry’ when they make ‘demands,’ and so on. Kids learn VERY quickly what is effective and what is not.</p>

<p>Not sure if this is the original question, but it go me thinking.I don’t know if we can teach them to not be self-centered, but we can teach them how BEHAVE respectfully. Sometimes it can take months though. IT can be exhausting and dispiriting but worth it.</p>

<p>Final note: I also have to say that your teen’s rudeness may be a sign of something serious. Usual suspects are depression and drug/alcohol use. Untreated depression can be very serious, and many teens take mood altering drugs. Not to alarm anyone, but it does happen even to the best kids, with the best parenting, and it is something to at least keep on the radar.</p>

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<p>^^^^Yes, in my house I have seen a self centeredness from time to time. Rudeness and disrespect? Nope. They learned when they were toddlers that rudeness or disrespect would not be tolerated, ever. We also treat them respectfully, no matter how annoyed we might be with their actions/inactions. </p>

<p>My kids see the behavior you have described above every once in a while and it makes them lose a little respect for both the kid AND the parent who tolerates it.</p>

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<p>I have a cousin who became a self-centered teen. Today she is 55 and still self-centered.</p>

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<p>As a 25 year educator I can tell you the students today (not all) “tend” to be the least respectful of their professors that I have encountered. Respect should begin at home. Your job is to teach respect; mine is to teach my subject.
On the other hand, students are naive. They are very young. I would say a semester or two at a solid university will rid the problem. They will learn they know nothing. If they don’t learn such I’m guessing some time in the real world will bust this fantasy. Give them a gentle talk and much space to become an adult. Learning to parent adult children is now your responsibility. Let go, and let them make their own mistakes. That’s my 2 cents. :)</p>

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<p>LOTS of wonderful advice in this thread.
Just a small addendum…on the first page, someone mentioned that the young adult years is when certain mental illnesses surface. When I did a little training for a volunteer job working with college girls, this was mentioned.
Please don’t think that this could be the case with your daughter - she sounds completely normal!
But it is something to remember when dealing with young people.</p>

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<p>I am from a family of three girls. My mom said each of us had a “bad year” of acting snotty; she called it the “teenage werewolf year”! I had forgotten about this till I read this thread. I think perhaps girls need this stage to separate from Mom. My bad year was 9th grade. In the photo taken before my 9th grade graduation dance, I am looking daggers at my mom because she wanted a photo of me in my pretty pink dress.</p>

<p>My D’s teenage werewolf year was 7th grade. She was just a pill that year, and I have very distinct memories of dropping her off at the door of school and being glad I didn’t have to deal with her for seven hours!</p>

<p>Your D will likely improve a lot after leaving for college. Then they begin to realize all you have done for them.</p>

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<p>State grad</p>

<p>So what you’re say in’ is … You’re a teenager who knows all about parenting teenagers. Parenting is HARD sometimes. And be careful handing out parenting advice at 17 cause Karma is a *****</p>

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<p>17 year old, extremely stressed, weirdly introspective high school senior here.
I don’t know how I wandered into the parents’ thread…but I did.
Reading all these posts made me laugh- not in a spiteful, mean way, or anything- because I wonder if my parents feel the same way about me. Sometimes, when I’ve had a particularly bad or stressful day, I tend to sit back, reflect on myself, and wonder how I can be such a self-centered person. I think teenagers tend to put themselves ahead of everyone and everything because we’re at an age where we are suddenly aware that we are actually people- people with actual personalities and goals and futures. And that’s slightly terrifying, to essentially wake up one morning and discover that you have to go to college and try to find a subject that interests you so that you can get a job that will fulfill your needs and then marry someone and raise kids. And when we realize that we are people, I think we tend to become a bit obsessed with ourselves. Maybe I’m just a crazy outlier, but I think that’s my problem. I tend to psychoanalyze myself on a daily basis, and sometimes I almost have this Walt Whitman-esque awe regarding myself. I don’t know if I’m making any sense with this. It’s just strange to realize that this is my life and I am actually going to have to live it, that I actually have a unique personality. It’s like I’m seeing everything for the first time, but from a new perspective. Childish wonder has been replaced with fascinated cynicism (is that an oxymoron?), and I just want to analyze the hell out of everything so I can find out where I fit in.
Another interesting thing about being at this maddening age (I might be meandering from the main subject now) is that I’ve also come to realize that my parents are actually people, and maybe most teenagers are blind to this fact, which makes them more selfish than they really are. I guess when I was a kid I never thought of them as people who had needs of their own, who just might not be perfect after all. I never thought to consider their problems, which, I’ve found out recently, they have plenty. I now constantly wonder if they’re happy or not, and I look at everyone around me and wonder if they’re happy or not, and maybe I don’t care because I’m mostly preoccupied with myself, wondering if I’M really happy.
…
Basically, it’s a weird time that makes no sense and we’re just trying to figure it out! The fact that I suddenly am not sure what to major in (because I honestly want to major in five or so different things) has completely enveloped my life- or at least my mood- and I’ve been snapping at everyone in my house all day.
I hate bringing up problems that I have to my parents because I don’t like bringing my guard down when it comes to emotional things, but when I do, I always find it extremely relieving to talk to my parents about things. So my advice is that if you have a selfish, suddenly moody teenager, try to get them to talk about their life and what’s bothering them. </p>

<p>Sorry for the extreme length and rambliness of this post! :P</p>

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<p>Aleyna22, thanks so much for taking the time to share some of your thoughts. I truly enjoyed reading them and think you may have a bit in common with my daughter. You are obviously bright. I wish you the best in your search for enlightenment. I have a feeling you will find great success. In the meantime I will take a deep breath and try to be patient with my own moody self-involved teen.</p>