Serious trouble (advice for a parent disappointment child)

Parents Forum
1

<p>ive been hanging around lately checking out posts from people and i found this site very helpful. I finally got a name. </p>

<p>I need serious advice. I am my parent’s disappointment child. </p>

<p>I have done many things to make my parents hate me and I think they do. I make it hard for them to love me and I dont blame them at all</p>

<p>i messed up all through high school and finally got my act together senior year and was able to graduate, since i was going through very bad times in high school i didnt have a very good gpa and i didnt take my sat’s.</p>

<p>for someone reason that i cant figure out right now i applied to a university using someone elses name. everything went through fine till now. someone notified the person of someone using the name and now the person is saying that they are going to press charges on the person using their name </p>

<p>I am wondering if it was possible for the school to release my information? address, phone number, ssn? if they do, is that legal.</p>

<p>I have gotten into a state of paranoia, i look out my window at the sound of any car driving by, im very very scared. ive never been so scared in my life. out of all the things i have done this has to be the dumbest and im going to get into deep crap for. i dont know what to do with myself. i have thought of taking my own life but im scared to even do that. i just wanted to start over and go to college thats it. i am trying to change the file at the school to my name so the persons name isnt being used anymore. if my parents find out its going to be the last hanging nerve they have with me.</p>

<p>you dont understand how afraid i am, i want to run away. i dont want to sit here and wait for something to happen. I didnt mean any harm to anyone and i have never harmed anyone in the past but i am very very afraid. someone please help me.</p>

<p>I keep praying to god, i have prayed before to get myself out of the deep piles i have gotten myself in. im so scared. I want to talk to someone, tell them everything but i cant because its just so stupid. I think i have resulted to going to church and confessing to the father everythign i have done which will not do anything for me in the long run but i want to start fresh. I want to never do anything like this again ever. I want to be a new person.</p>

2

<p>You are smarter than you think. You have come up with a very good idea that is the first step toward untangling the rather complicated mess you have gotten into: talking to your clergyman.</p>

<p>Clergymen have seen tangled messes before. They’ve heard stories far worse than yours. And they often have good ideas about where you should go and whom you should talk to in order to start solving a problem.</p>

<p>Go see the father. Tomorrow.</p>

<p>And if you can’t wait until tomorrow to talk to somebody, get out the phone book, find the number of the suicide hotline (in my phone book, it’s listed under Crisis Intervention in the Yellow Pages) and call them. They’re good people to talk to.</p>

<p>And then come back and tell us what happened.</p>

3

<p>TY for responding.</p>

<p>Im afraid to call a suicide hotline, they’re going to think im nuts.</p>

4

<p>You need to get some professional help. Start now. Tell your parents what is going on. (Unless you’re afraid they’ll get violently angry–in that case, go to another adult you can trust). Don’t wait–you can’t undo the past, but waiting to own up to what you’ve done will only make it worse. You’ve already been making yourself sick with fear about what MIGHT happen. Facing reality will probably be easier than you’re imagining. I hope you can get back on the right track.</p>

5

<p>Tmogual, first of all, DO NOT panic, or do anything worse, or run away. Understand first of all that - hard as this may be for you to believe right now, your parents love you VERY, VERY much, and they DO NOT want to see anything bad happen to you. </p>

<p>Things are NEVER as bad as they seem. Ever. </p>

<p>First of all, do what you have already thought of and what Marian said: go talk to the father. Trust me when I tell you that this man has heard - and solved - many, many times worse. And he WANTS to help you - that is precisely why he is in his profession.</p>

<p>Second, you need to talk to an adult - your parents, or a trusted person. </p>

<p>Third, I am not a lawyer, but, if you used someone’s name, but did not realize any material benefit from it, and it did not cause them direct economic or financial harm, the penalties for doing so may be less than, say, an ID theft matter where someone opens credit card accounts and begins a shopping spree. But you need to talk to someone credentialed to understand the implications.</p>

<p>Last, once you get this solved - and it may be a LOT easier and faster than you think - stay on this site, now that you have your username, and, let everyone here support your educational desires and help you get into college for real, with YOUR name.</p>

6

<p>First of all, this is a solveable situation. You haven’t done anything that is irredeemable. In other words, nobody has died, nobody is permanently damaged. All the relationships you mentioned can be repaired. It will take work, but you can fix this. You have already started by admitting what you’ve done and asking for advice. Here’s some:</p>

<p>You need to start with calling the college and confessing what you did and apologizing. If you can’t face the idea of doing this by phone, then write a letter and explain the situation. Offer your sincere apologies and explain what you are doing to fix the situation and how you have learned from it. (It’s okay that you don’t know why you did this; you can figure it out later.) latetoschool made a good point. It doesn’t seem as if you have profited from this, so it could be that the school will just delete your “file” and that will be that.</p>

<p>Then you need to tell your parents. Write a letter if you can’t face them. They will probably be mad, disappointed, etc… but you are their child and they will help you, especially if you take responsibility and show that you are sincerely contrite. We parents know that our kids do stupid things sometimes or act in ways that they can’t even explain. We don’t like it but we love them.</p>

<p>You can still go to college but it will likely need to be a community college. There you can rebuild your academic life and have the fresh start you desire. You graduated from high school so you are eligible for community college. Spend two years proving yourself to yourself, to your parents and to your teachers. Set your sights on a half dozen places where you would love to transfer. Research what it takes and do what it takes. </p>

<p>Your feelings of shame or embarassment (even your paranoia) are all normal and are signs of your humanity. Most of us screw up. Many of us do things without thinking, especially at your age. Many of us have tried to short cut to better days and have realized that’s not possible. You can fix this and learn from your feelings of remorse. Don’t wait any longer. Once you start taking steps to repair this situation, your relief will be profound.</p>

<p>(If you just can’t take the first of these steps on your own then please find an adult you trust to help you.)</p>

7

<p>I am so glad that you reached out to us here. It means you want to get some help to get this straightened out. That was a huge step for you. The next step is to come clean to those that love you and ask for help in unravelling it.
They can help you and will help you but only if you ask for help and be willing to do what they say.</p>

<p>I do hope that this is the bottom for you and that from this point forward you will go up and improve your situation. If you feel you can not approach your family, then see an adult you trust, confide in them and ask for their guidance in opening up to your family.</p>

<p>Accept whatever comes your way…and stand up and take responsibility. That is a step in the right direction.</p>

<p>We are here for you…and want to know that you are ok.</p>

8

<p>First of all, please keep posting so that we know you are okay. </p>

<p>Next - no matter how each one of us has responded we have all said that you need to find an adult you can trust to help you out of this. Truly - what you have done is not so awful if you can make the school understand that you aren’t an awful person, just someone who made a dumb mistake. </p>

<p>This really isn’t the end of the world. At your age I was a terror. I went through a period of time where I did one dumb thing after another. Nothing malicious - just stupid. At some point I just realized that my shenanigan were going to get me into big trouble if I got caught. I know you are not going to believe this, but if you follow the advice that others on this site have given you - this will make a great story some day - but you do have to straighten it out now. </p>

<p>I think you will find that if you let the school now just how terrified you are, they will be merciful. Do it - and please keep us posted</p>

9

<p>Dear Tmogual,</p>

<p>Please hang in there. Everybody has screwed up at some point in his or her life, and many people turn things around and get the fresh start that you are looking for. I know it feels like the end of the world for you at the moment, but it really is going to get better. You are not going to feel the way you feel right now forever, and you are going to be able to deal with the problems in your life. You can do it, and there are people who will help you. Right at this moment, there are people waiting and able to help you in person. First, the father at your church would like nothing better than to help a young person like you. No matter what you have done, it doesn’t matter. He is there for you. If you can’t get yourself out of the house right now, the people who staff suicide hotlines are caring and helpful and will not think you are crazy. It won’t even cross their minds. You can just tell them what you are going through and what you are thinking about, and they will support you. You could be on the phone with a crisis counselor thirty seconds from now. If you don’t know the number of the local hotline, just call 411 and ask for it. Please come back and tell us how you’re doing.</p>

10

<p>I’m confused–are just finishing your first year of college under this person’s id or did you just apply recently with plans to start in the fall? Before you talk to anyone, imo, you should tell your parents and consult a lawyer.</p>

11

<p>i hope kids out there are not taking thier education for granted. be thankful for what you have and what you have made for yourself. be very grateful for the chance to get a higher education. believe it or not their are people out there, like me who are dying to do the same but have messed up along the way and need alittle extra help.</p>

<p>i am done with making messes for myself, i am truly sorry for doing this as well. i dont want to get in trouble i just want to go on with my life. i called the suicide line and that gave me some local numbers to call for help. i might look into this, but i dont feel any different from my feelings. i dont think its worth it, i will fix this morning but i have grown so ashamed of myself. my parents only make things worse by reminding me how much of a failure i am and how much better other kids are then me, it drove me to do this. to prove to them that i am not a failure. i can only apologize now and only worry myself to death.</p>

12

<p>Tmo hon…you need some profesional guidance. Some internal force is pushing you to make horrible horrible choices. You need to identify that force and wrestle it to the ground, kiddo. </p>

<p>Call your high school GC and get a name of a professional counselor.</p>

<p>Living with paranoia will kill you. The best thing to do is to front up to your crime. Call the university and withdraw the application. Explain that you made that decision when you lost your sanity–and that you are working to try to recover some stability in your life.</p>

<p>They’ve seen this before. there is quite a lot of substituing identities at universities right now–especially among Chinese nationals. It is a global problem. The university will appreciate your honesty. </p>

<p>I’d recommend that you also front up to the person whose identity you stole–and to your parents. Again, a heart-felt apology and an explanation about your poor state of mind should clear you of any litigious feelings. Facing the disappointment and anger now will be a thousand times better than the paranoia you are living with.</p>

<p>Lots of CC parents survived disapproving parents–lots of CC parents survived bad teenage choices. Lots. You can survive your bad choices too–if you start making good, constructive choices for yourself. To make sure you are making healthy decisions–get professional help, okay?</p>

<p>Good luck kiddo. Good on you for confessing to us.</p>

13

<p>I have to disagree with some of the posters here. If you need to speak to someone, your priest is great. Other than him, though, there is only one person you should speak to - a lawyer. If someone is threatening to press charges against you, you need legal advice, and you don’t want to say something to the college or to anyone else that may adversely affect your case. Call your local Legal Aid office in the morning and get some legal advice.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

14

<p>Somehow I smell fish…</p>

<p>If this is true? you’ve committed indentity theft. You’ve finanically obligated an innocent person. Let the school know immediately. The longer you let this stew, the worse it will become. Tell your parents as well. </p>

<p>While I don’t think this is true… if it is the longer you hold out the more it will seem intentional and harder to defend. </p>

<p>How about Community College instead, till you get your act together?</p>

<p>Fishy?</p>

15

<p>How dare you?</p>

<p>You just seriously make me feel even worse.</p>

<p>No i didnt finanically obligate anyone. I took a name for a college application. That is all. How is this fishy? Because please if you could go to the person and make them because them believe it is all a lie, Please do it because I dont want to go to jail or not be able to apply to this university ever again in my life.</p>

<p>Please make me believe this isnt happening so I can stop looking out my window every second. </p>

<p>Why not coming to a college forum, its about college isnt it?</p>

16

<p>Wow</p>

<p>It is kind of messed up to always assume someone is lying.</p>

<p>Don’t panic, it doesn’t let you think cleary. You should go to your priest.</p>

17

<p>Go tell your parents you need a lawyer…don’t talk to anyone else. Your lawyer will tell you what you should do next.</p>

18

<p>Look, tmogual, there is a huge difference between disappointing your parents and being A Disappointment. Also, between failing and being A Failure. You need to resist the labeling, even if your parents do not. A label is a permanent fixture, an identity, good for clothing and shoes and handbags. Human beings, on the other hand, are ever evolving. People are not disappointments or failures. We learn from our errors, grow from our shame or disappointment or failings, even the biggest ones. You have the power to change things around, to repair the damage and make your life whatever it is that you want it to be. You just have to decide, focus and give it the effort it requires. </p>

<p>By the way, I’m not an attorney but common sense suggests to me that it’s highly unlikely that anyone from the authorities is going to come after you for this or that you are going to go to jail. Unless there is some aspect that you aren’t revealing to us, simply turning in a false application with someone else’s identity probably isn’t going to get your local authorities worked up. The college will rescind their offer, if they made one, to you. The person whose identity you borrowed for this escapade could possibly sue, but it seems unlikely that they would be able to prove you gained materially from this, or harmed their reputation. This all hinges on you taking responsibility, apologizing to everyone involved and cleaning this mess up though. The longer you wait, the worse it’s going to get. So take care of it tomorrow.</p>

19

<p>Identity theft doesn’t need to involve $. But, if you fess up, NOW, with an attorney, you should be able to get out of this…and the person who threatened to press charges may not realize that you really didn’t do much harm to them, and very likely can be calmed down, so if you make the moves, pull the application, contact the parties, because they already know. And if they have to waste their time dealing with this, that wil make them mad, but if YOU step up, admit your foolishness, take care of it, most likely they will let it go, they don’t want to waste time on this, going to court, etc (which they wouldn’t do anyway, most likely for this, but if they know you are taking care and fixing it, they probably will be glad it is over- no one really wants to deal with the “system”, and if they know no real harm was done or will be done, the anger with supside)</p>

<p>First, the suicide hotline people, an attorney, your priest, they have heard it all, and much worse</p>

<p>So, right now, find an adult, a parent of a friend, anybody, who can help you</p>

<p>It will be fine, but that is up to you right now, so call your GC, or someone at church beyond the priest who can actually get involved- youth minister</p>

<p>Take care, catch your breath, and start getting yourself out of this, confess to someone you know, so they can help you</p>

20

<p>Tmogual, I hope everything works out for you. You have gotten quality advice here. I have a question, though (for anyone)…</p>

<p>How do you put a false name on an application and make everything else jive. Don’t you need to send in a transcript along with letters of recommendation, SAT scores, financial aid, etc…?</p>