My 19 year old sophomore in college (well to be fair she is about to become a junior with one more final) got engaged to her boyfriend who is going into the Marines apparently in a week – I say apparently because it has been postponed 3 times already.
She is a nursing student and is doing very well academically. I have so many concerns about being engaged and so tied down already and I do believe she may live to regret what she lost in her last two years of college.
Thankfully (and I hope she means it) she SWEARS she is finishing her BSN despite this engagement. I voiced my concerns and told her I am here to support her even if I don’t think the decision to be engaged right now is in her best interest.
Parenting is not for the faint of heart – the two of them are both 19 good glory! Can anyone talk me down from the ledge here?
Well, when I was an 18 year old freshman, I got engaged at Christmas. I continued through my sophomore year at my residential college, then got married and switched to night school. It sounds outrageous, right?
But I finished my degree (for a lot less money than the residential college- my parents were already getting tapped out at the end of the 2nd year). I didn’t feel tied down, to me it was just as/more fun to be with him than to be a single girl. Never felt the need to go out and do whatever it is people think you need to do before settling down. I have no regrets and we’re almost to 24 years.
Just my experience and I hope your daughter’s is just as good. I know military service can kind of speed up people’s timelines.
It seems like you fear that she will drop out of school because of the engagement or marriage, rather than complete her BSN before joining her SO or spouse wherever he is stationed? Obviously, with a BSN, she would have an easier time finding a job wherever that is…
I would ignore it, the only way it gains traction is if you behave as if it has value. State once how you feel and leave it at that. I would caution her against getting married though, just because this BF is joining up, this smells of this more being the BFs idea than hers. Does she come from a military family?
Her daughter got engaged! How can this not have value? Lets say that things go well and she finishes her degree and then gets married to the guy. If this isn’t treated right this could put a big wedge between mother and daughter that lasts a long time.
My advice to OP is to let her know how important it is to you that she graduate, and then celebrate with her.
My ex-Marine nephew was engaged before boot camp, and married in his full dress uniform after boot camp. He would be more than happy to tell you that the best move he ever made was picking the wife he has. So try to trust this young man’s judgment about your daughter’s character. She plans to finish her education, that is what matters. The only risk I see here is that she’d get bored with her fiance/spouse on deployment, and decide to enlist herself as my niece-in-law did.
Mine D is the same the age. I agree that I wouldn’t be thrilled if she got engage now. Also agree that you don’t want to drive a wedge in your relationship, especially since she’s committed to finishing her degree. As long as she does that, she’ll be ok no matter what.
When are they talking about actually getting married? I would encourage her to have a long engagement and plan the wedding AFTER she graduates.
FWIW, I was engaged at a year older than your D. We had a long engagement and delayed the wedding until after grad school. Happily married now for almost 27 years.
I don’t know. I certainly know of 19 year olds getting married especially if one is headed off to the military. I don’t think I’d completely blow it off, but going the other way and trying to forbid it probably not a great idea either.
I think I’d just remind her how valuable a BSN is for a military spouse so she sticks with school.
The military needs nurses. If she went into the military as a nurse, she may outrank her enlisted spouse. But then she and he may be assigned different locations.
FWIW I got engaged just after I turned 20. I had just started my junior year of college. H had graduated the winter before I met him. He was finishing out his lease when we met spring of my sophomore year. We dated 6 weeks before he moved back home and we got engaged within 7 months.
I was adamant that I finish my degree, and we set the date in June after my expected graduated date. I don’t recall anyone being negative about our situation. Everything turned out fine. We will hit 26 years next month.
I know it’s harder when it’s your kid. Older S is now older than when I got married. Looking back at it now, I guess I was a baby, but it didn’t feel that way. Breathe and be happy and supportive (assuming he’s a good guy). Good luck!!!
I met my husband at 19, were engaged at 20 (he had graduated, I was a junior) and just celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary. I never dreamed I’d marry young - or really marry at all - but sometimes you actually do find your partner for life young. I think it’s fine to discuss her plans for completing her degree, but I’d leave the whole you’re too young to tie yourself down unsaid.
I too got engaged in college (but yes I finished and we were married 6 years before having kids). I did divorce after many years together. We turned into different people and wanted different things in life.
I understand the worry. I have the utmost respect for those in military but I dont want any of my kids to enter in and I would prefer they dont marry a fulltime enlisted military person either.
Just continue to counsel her on her options in the future and try to make sure shes using her head and making decisions for the right reasons.
I got engaged in college, married right after graduating with a BA, went back later for my BSN. We’re still together after a couple of decades. One set of parents supported us and unfortunately one spent the next decade trying to break us up, until we cut them off. (I’m sure you wouldn’t do that. And I’d be nervous, too, if it was my kid, especially a daughter.)
I think the best thing to do is congratulate her, support them, make her feel comfortable in case she needs your help later - whether it works out or not. And do what you can to encourage her to finish her BSN so she can have an independent income.
Agreed – they are a family that all marry young. And mostly they are military or other jobs that don’t require much education. And yes he proposed to her in front of everyone! I did state once how I felt, and I am now trying hard to leave it at that.
She is saying there is no immediate plan to marry - but she is super smart and yet somehow super stubborn and has made some oddly bonehead decisions in a stubborn moment in the past.
Awww – believe me this boy won’t dump her, his family sees her value as does he – if anything she will do the dumping but for reasons I don’t understand she seems to think this boy is the best thing and he is fairly unambitious. I am hoping the military changes that.
I did tell her clearly I am here to support here regardless if we have differences on what is the right decision for her and I do talk to her about finishing her BSN all the time and she does seem to want to do that.