Some thoughts:
If she gets married then she and her husband are responsible for paying for college. She will be treated as independent.
One of my friends at church had a son who joined the army…and really wanted to marry his girlfriend before he did. So they got married. Was it so that he could “hold on” to her? Get better housing? Get her benefits? So in luurrrve?
It isn’t going well. She moved to his base I think. They are very young (he joined right out of HS) and have a baby.
I myself got engaged Senior year of college…but I didn’t get married until i finished my masters degree. I didn’t want to be married while going to school. I wanted to focus on my studies.
Maybe you can request that she wait until she graduates until she gets married?
Also I would tell her that as a military spouse who moves around a lot, a BSN would give her a job she coudl do anywhere.
OP, more anecdotal info: my MIL felt the same way you do. I had graduated college and my then fiance (rising junior) followed me across the country (military move for me). My MIL told us later she was concerned my wife wouldn’t finish school. She finished up at a local college and we’ve been together 37+ years now after moving 11 times.
Also got engaged at 19. We were sophomores, both finished school before we married. Husband started his military obligation on graduation. I wasn’t at all professionally ambitious so didn’t pursue paid work, but the civilian nurses I got to know while husband was active duty all said the career meshed really well with that of their military spouse.
I dated a few people before husband and I got together. I well remember everything my parents said about my prior decisions, about boyfriends and everything else, and the way they said it. The way they treated me was very helpful in deciding how available I’ve been to them throughout my adulthood.
One of our kids has made some shocking (to her parents) decisions. She is 22 now.
The most important thing to me is she doesn’t cut us out of her life. She is already very private & does not share much. We are grateful for the few pictures or texts we get. She likes us, I think, but from a distance.
Is it what I had hoped & dreamed for? No.
But she clearly (!!!) is not asking for our advice or input on what she is doing with her life (school, personal, everything).
It really is her life. She has to get out there & forge a life for herself. She will make good decisions. She will make bad decisions. Thing is, you cannot always tell at the time where a decision will take you.
Am I bursting with pride about some of her decisions? No. But I keep my mouth shut. I try to project unconditional love.
I don’t have a crystal ball & I don’t know if something is a “mistake” or a “great idea”. I’ve been humbled more than once with that one.
Yes, I agree about the unconditional love. We are not happy our son is moving back to Beirut to be with his fiancee, a sweet girl but I don’t think the perfect match for him (I worry more about her, than him, TBH). He’s the type who will remember the one negative comment out of 1,000 that we make, for the next 50 years. And whatever we say, he will twist things around. On Mother’s Day, he won Rummikub with a particularly clever last play. I said, “See, you’ve got more engineer in you than you realize!” and he thought I was being critical. Sigh. I know he’s told his younger sister stuff about the way we treated him during his childhood that is flat out not true. I’m secretly glad she’s getting to spend so much time with him now, because she’s seeing this side to him.
ANYWAY, the point is that we just keep concentrating on loving him and letting everything go.
Is she returning to school and he is gong off to the Marines? If so, I don’t think you have any worries. They have solidified their relationship but she is continuing with her goals.
He may go to college at some point. Many people who join the military do. The ability to fund higher education via the G.I Bill helps many achieve their goals. The military teaches many amazing qualities that would make a good life partner.
It is difficult when “kids” make such decisions so young but it sounds like you are handling it well. Anything can happen here. It’s just phase 1 so to speak.
Rather than emphasizing that you want her to finish her degree, emphasize that she needs to finish her degree for herself. A BSN will mean she won’t be dependent on any man. She can take care of herself financially. Then she can go into the marriage as an equal.
Put the age thing aside for a moment. Would you feel any different about the engagement if she was older and graduated? What is the real upsetting factor here?-
age
graduation
the boy (you do refer to him as “boy” not “man”.
Try to put a positive spin on it when you talk to her. “You’re engaged! How exciting to be planning for a future with “boy”! I’m so proud that you are on a path to have a good career which will be critical to you and boys future and the life you build together!”
While recognizing the engagement recognize that her success at her career could set them up with a positive (financial at least) good start to their marriage.
Yeah - my daughters can be complicated; I think some of it is from the ugly divorce from their dad. He has an alcohol problem - a big one, and is now suffering from liver cirrhosis. And if that isn’t enough he was having an affair which they were old enough to notice. We moved a couple states away, and never made much effort to be involved with them --just enough to keep them confused – and while it IS for their own good (or was as kids) and they understand that I do also think the whole thing with their dad impacts some of their decisions.
Oh I have and she really DOES know that. When everything went to badly with her dad, she saw me being able to make decisions that I would not have been able to make if I was dependent on him.
All of the above – I do not think the boyfriend is good for her. I highly suspect some emotional blackmail goes on at times and that is not a good thing or something that gets better over time. Even if I thought better of him I still wouldn’t be thrilled because of her age and his. He just turned 19, and she won’t be 20 until fall so they are super young.
I feel for you! My daughter got engaged at 22 after only knowing her fiance for 6 months. 19 is even more concerning!
In your shoes, I would offer to pay for or contribute significantly to a wedding AFTER she graduates. But because they will be separated by his deployment, this relationship may fizzle before then.
We have an almost 20 year old in a fairly serious relationship; I don’t think they’ll be announcing an engagement any time in the foreseeable future, but who knows? If it were a “we’re getting married at some indefinite time after we graduate” we’d probably be ok with it. We have friends whose son and his gf announced their engagement last year (they were juniors at the time, I think) and parents weren’t thrilled. I had never even been on a date yet when I was S18’s age, so engagement would have seemed pretty far away.
How would I react in the OP’s specific situation? I’m not sure. We would probably be having a tough time with it. I’m sending good thoughts your way, and hope it all works out for the best.
Congratulations. But I wouldn’t go all out on this. I’ve known too many engagements that fizzled. Do let your DD know that getting that degree is important, but the next steps are really up to her.
My niece married a GI right after she graduated—not what her parents had in mind for her. After a year of being an enlisted man’s wife, she decided that she wanted to start looking into other things to do. She’s not in the career her parents had hoped she’d undertake—family business is not going the next generation, but everyone’s healthy and supporting themselves. Seem reasonably happy too. That’s often as good as it gets.
The last thing I would do is not pay for her to finish her degree (assuming I had planned to pay and that she is doing well academically). Cutting off support for her education accomplishes nothing except possibly putting her into a bad financial situation and creating a rift between you.
