I waited a day or so to not be piling on to the “we got married early and it worked” faction, but it did for us. Engaged at 19, married at 20, 43 years later. However most of our friends who married at the same age didn’t last 10 years.
The one thing that you have said that raises a flag with me is the emotional pressure / abuse question and the fact that he proposed in front of everyone. Was that a surprise or a preplanned ceremony? I would be concerned if my kid was proposed to in a group setting without it being planned. The pressure to smile and go along would be immense, especially at that age. Not sure how to talk out the nuanced demonstrations of power in relationships with a teenager.
Yes, the proposal in front of everyone, right before deployment would bug me, too. Sounds very controlling.
It’s a probably a good thing that a good long separation is coming up.
Yep, it’s a thing, @Waiting2exhale . Ds2 has a friend who had planned to propose in early April to his longtime gf. I’m talking six years together – they met freshman year in college and have lived in different cities and then on different continents for a year. He wanted her parents to be there and had arranged for them to be in town when he did it, but corona put an end to that plan. She has come back to Texas to quarantine with her family as her events work has dried up. I don’t know whether he planned to do one of those big things like so many do – I sincerely doubt it – but he wanted to share the ask with family.
Ds1 got engaged a few weeks ago, and he did it at her parents’ house though privately. But they were able to go downstairs for breakfast with them and say, surprise!
Anyway, I also don’t like the big flash mob proposals or things so choreographed that it clearly was done for the camera. But I’m also the curmudgeon who doesn’t like those videos where you see the kid surprised when their military parent returns. I was that kid during Vietnam, and I would not have liked to have that emotion recorded for people’s entertainment. But everyone is doing everything for the 'Gram so I recognize that it’s a thing.
So I agree with the OP. This wouldn’t thrill me at all. Regardless of all the relationships stated on here that worked out this might not be the norm.
The one thing that sticks out that no one has talked about is that the daughter didn’t have a father figure because of the circumstances or a positive one. . This affect girls much more then boys (there are studies somewhere). Could she be looking for the father figure /male influence that she never had? Lots of young girls in this situation do things like this to gain that approval they might of never had. My big question is why get engaged when he’s being deployed? Is this so he won’t be tempted to fool around or her or both? Is this so he won’t lose her? Not trying to be rude but why not just wait till he gets back and see if this long term relationship even has a chance. I only say this since their “both” so young and a long term away can be very challenging for both of them.
Our family is vocal about subjects like these. We are not walking on eggshells around our kids. They know we love them. Don’t need to prove that to them in anyway. We don’t always agree… Lol. Whose kids always agree with their parents but they know we care deeply about them. I see no reason you can’t say. “Look you know I love you but finishing your schooling and being able to be independent is more important then getting married at this point in your life. After getting your degree you will have plenty of time to get married” or something like that. We have stressed to both kids do not rely on anyone else to pay your bills. Become your own person. Because if that other person leaves, then what.
Sorry you are going through this. But with him deployed you have a chance to maybe get together with your daughter and spend more time with her. Your influence will rub off. Just can’t be demanding since that will backfire. Talk more about her career. What type of nursing does she want to go into.? Does she want to specialize? There are more years of training…
But the big thing is if he is right for her he will push her to finish her career. She should know this. If he starts with her not finishing for “any reason” time to reevaluate the engagement.
Yep, in my far from humble opinion, public proposals can be a form of bullying. I am not saying this is the case here, but I just don’t think something as serious as a marriage proposal should ever be made in front of anyone but the two concerned parties.
My concern (which she would never ever admit) is the emotional manipulation. I have seen snippets of it that definitely concern me.
For example, one time her older sister (who lives in FL and had just gotten married) was here with her new husband moving their things down to FL. My daughter and her boyfriend were over as well (which is fairly rare for him to be at our house) and so I offered them dinner at a local restaurant to go and catch up and say goodbye – like I gave them my credit card to go out together (the 4 of them). The boyfriend pitched a fit to my daughter saying he didn’t want to go because he didn’t really KNOW the husband and that she should go over to his house for dinner instead. He was trying to make her feel bad that he was not happy rather than caring about her being able to spend a little time with her sister who was moving 1000 miles away. I was pretty gob smacked as he made quite the issue out of this right in our kitchen. In the end my daughter went without him (rare) - I am not sure why she didn’t give in to his whining but she usually does. He actually left and went home rather than spend a short dinner with my other daughter and her new husband.
The other thing I noticed is when there is no chance of them getting together – like recently with the stay at home orders - she is much more willing to participate in our family and with her sister and step sister and step brother and seems pretty relaxed and at ease. I felt bad that she wasn’t able to see him much before the deployment to bootcamp and I guess his family was also feeling more lenient about allowing others to visit and I finally said okay to it. It was like a flip switched and she was suddenly all moody and uptight again – I highly suspect great pressure to be over his house all the time and not with our family. And yes we invite him but most often he refuses.
She also wakes him up by phone every day when he has to work – apparently he cannot get up (insert eye roll here) if she doesn’t and she wants to make sure he doesn’t miss his shifts. I mean really?
Oh no. So sorry. This is usually the time a boyfriend or girlfriend is on their very best behavior and trying to make a good impression on potential spouse’s family. ime
@toomanyteens ouch on that story! Unfortunately it’s very familiar with a former boyfriend of my daughter’s. I don’t have any advice, daughter finally saw the light and they broke up. Unlike your case, it was because boyfriend didn’t want to propose and she decided that she wasn’t going to wait any longer.
Once she had some space from former boyfriend, she saw how manipulated she had been. I’ll hope that basic training will be that space your daughter needs. Other than that, I would suggest if she would see a counselor.
Honestly I appreciate you saying ouch – I sometimes wonder if I am overreacting. When he acts this way she makes excuses for him which really rubs me the wrong way.
My daughter started dating her current boyfriend as a senior in college, so about 2 years ago. In that time, he graduated, she graduated 6 months later, they went to Florida to work at Disney (her dream not his) and he lasted 6 weeks. Moved back to Wyo to live with his father. Father moved, they moved to Indiana to live with his mother. That lasted a few weeks and they got their own apt. She was working little jobs. Both were just drifting.
In the time that they’ve been dating, he took the LSAT but missed the application deadline by 2 days (really?). He took the police exam twice but failed to run 2 miles in 18 minutes. He works, but not career jobs.
So he joined the army. He really wanted to get married (because they’d get $300/mo more and a place to live together) but I (very calmly) convinced her to wait until after basic and OCS (a total of almost 9 months). So they gave notice on their apt lease (could break it because of the Army), and she made plans to move back to Wyo. They packed up on a Thurs, he moved to his mother’s to wait the 6 days until he had to report and she drove back to Colo/Wyo. One day later, on Friday, the army put his report date on hold. Indefinitely. He’s probably going to report in August. Or not. What I don’t think will ever happen is my daughter moving back to Indiana.
She really hasn’t talked that much about it. He might drive out to visit. Might. I think this is dying a much faster death than even I thought it would. She’s talking about grad school, not talking about the joys of an army life (she was thinking Japan and Germany, and he’s thinking Oklahoma and the deserts of California).
I like him, but don’t see them marrying. My daughter does whatever she wants, and I don’t think she’d do well in the Army even as a spouse. So basically we went from getting married in January to probably not even dating anymore. No big break up, just making separate life plans. I think if he would have become a cop they would have gotten married. If he had gone to law school, they would have resumed a student life and she probably would have gone to grad school. However, the army was just too big a change for her.
I understand you must feel torn between wanting to be happy for your D at this moment, and thinking she is making a big mistake. Wanting to be welcoming to her partner if he is to become a member of your family, but hoping that they will break up because you notice his character flaws.
He sounds immature/self-centered. But that is to be expected at 18-19. Maybe boot camp will do wonders for him? (It can happen–one of my brothers was changed for the better, and permanently, after boot camp.) Maybe one of them will meet someone else while they are separated?
If it were my D, I would only tell her “Of course we will continue to pay for your education until you complete your degree–no matter what.” I would not express negative thoughts about the guy. (When my D got engaged, I told her she was making a mistake. I should’ve said nothing but “congratulations” with a small “c,” no exclamation point.) The truth is, if they are over 18, they can do what they want. Hope for the best!
One further thought about your D having to call the guy to wake him up. Red flag. I’ve seen several women–who happen to be nurses!–who married dependent guys, guys they can mother or take care of. Maybe just my observation, but helpers often choose partners who need their help.
I know!! She and I did have a chat about that (where she continued to make excuses for him) and I assured her that having to be his mother would get old and to think about that.
While my story may not pertain to your family, I thought I would share. My daughter fell in love in Costa Rica on an internship. She was a National Merit Scholar with a great scholarship. He was a Dutch citizen who dropped out of college and roamed around volunteering at self sustaining farms in Costa Rica for several years. Needless to say, I wasn’t thrilled with the relationship. Immigration issues made this relationship ever more complicated.
Fast forward- she finished her engineering degree, they married and moved to Amsterdam. He now has a steady job and supporting her as she’s getting her Masters. I don’t think she has to wake him but do know that she has to pack his clothes for a trip:)
Got engaged at 19 to my Soldier, married at 20. Married now for 21 years, two great kids. I have an MSW and an MEd and am, by my own self aggrandizement, pretty successful. Financially, getting married helped me afford college (though broke as hell otherwise) and the military paid for my second Masters with myCAA.
The marriage has been hard as hell. And wonderful. And awful. And amazing. Everything a marriage is going to be. The good thing about the military is the access to support services (therapy, marital retreats). I had MANY MANY people tell me it wouldn’t work. I still did it any ways.
Honestly- if your daughter ever wants to get some insight, always glad to answer a DM.
My niece just graduated from college and is working in Chile, teaching English. She’s fallen in love with a South American young man who doesn’t speak any English at all! I think my daughter is the only one in our extended family who speaks Spanish. This could be interesting!
Next year, Niece will be on a Fulbright in Uruguay, so I’m not sure what will happen with the relationship.
So their respective ages are a secondary consideration, and you’re mostly worried because he seems immature, controlling and manipulative. And appearing to try to isolate her from her family.
The daily wake up call? Odds are he doesn’t need it, just another control move. He sure won’t need it at boot camp!
Keep her close. Tell her you have her back. That you will support all of her choicest with one exception - dropping out of nursing school. She’s got to get that qualification.
Tell your concerns - but also let her know it’s okay to be in love and wanting to marry someone whom your parents think isn’t the perfect son in-law. People can change and grow, and make marriages work, even under less than ideal circumstances. Tell her you’ll never say I told you so if she gets cold feet about the marriage or even if she only needs help overcoming difficulties, that she can come to you if she needs help.
Tell her you won’t try to get between them, but don’t want him to get between her and her family. Maybe you can make a pact about it.