If someone were concerned about a relationship I were in, they’d have a hard time talking to me about it because I can get both private and stubborn. I think I might be receptive to a little support during happy interludes though – in your daughter’s case this might be an overture along the lines of “you seem to really be having a nice time” when she’s relaxed around your family. Help her connect the dots between his absence and her happiness, if that’s where the dots are.
As an army wife, I had to crack up about your post #53 “(she was thinking Japan and Germany, and he’s thinking Oklahoma and the deserts of California).” Husband did a tour in then-West Germany. Next one was Ft. Hood, Texas (“I tried to get somewhere else, but it was Texas or an unaccompanied tour to Korea!”), and some of our neighbors were on their third time there!
All very wise advice – it is her age and the other things too all though I do think to some degree the issues are a bit intertwined. I like what you said about cold feet and not saying I told you so. She is stubborn to her own detriment (often and always has been) so that may be something I need to say to her out loud.
I got engaged when I was a freshman in college to my high school boyfriend. We broke up sophomore year and I quickly started dating a different man that I’ve now been with nearly a decade later. (We got engaged right before college ended and married after I was done with my first masters.)
As long as she waits until after her degree to get married, there’s a good chance it won’t happen. I wouldn’t push it though because you might push her TO get married out of spite.
UPDATE: He is gone to the local base to MEPS - please please please let him make it. He is 135 lbs and 6’2" tall. He apparently needs to be 133 to go forward. And then of course his skinny self has to make it through boot camp.
So he left last night and already today she has all kinds of plans with her friends from school and here at home. When he is around it is as if they don’t exist. Her spirit is so light already after one day.
Well, crossing my fingers for you and your D. Hoping being around her GFs will help her realize how important they are to her life. The time the fiancé will be away sounds helpful for her to clear her head and figure out what SHE wants and needs. Hopefully this separation will be good for everyone.
At least it is an engagement, not a marriage. My nephew got married then was on a Navy ship for a year a decade ago. There is a family bonus to married military when deployed. They divorced a year later. Apparently it is common to be attached. Just wait and see what happens before any comments et al. A college grad nurse wife would be an asset so it would be logical for him to encourage her.
UPDATE: UGH!! So apparently the first letter he wrote her from bootcamp was very “I am nothing without you” and “I can’t live without you” over and over and over. And then it was about how the other guys at boot camp said getting married as soon as possible is ‘best’ – yeah right, best for WHOM?
And then it went on to suggest that she should ‘pretend’ until the fall tuition of her senior year is paid by me and then go ahead and get married so they can fool me into paying half the last year. Oh and apparently they can worry about buying a car at some later time.
OMG I am beyond pissed. He is emotionally manipulative and he disguises it as ‘love’. I have no idea what to do.
Is your D more inclined to listen to her siblings? Sounds like they are aligned with you on the concerns and maybe she’ll be more apt to listen to them?
Hoping she sees the huge red flags–that this guy is trying to rush her into a “secret” marriage in order to “trick” her parents into paying for her schooling. Creepy. And desperate. And short-sighted. (Does he really want to start off what should be a life-long relationship with his in-laws by deceiving them? Not very smart.)
Let her know that you will be paying for her to finish her degree regardless of her marital status.
I think that when someone is in boot camp, things are just weird. Everything is completely different and you just want to cling onto something familiar. That’s for the guy who is in the unfamiliar place.
For your daughter, she needs love and understanding. And to know that she is loved by her family. And that you want for her, a life where she can be independent and self supporting.
Good luck, I hope she sees that she is being manipulated and that she needs to do what is best for her.