Here’s one suggestion. Have a family meeting maybe make a dinner and hopefully everyone gets involved and cooks together etc. Make it fun.
After dinner you have “The talk” . Be open and honest with her. Your other daughters are there for support. Whether she finishes school or not he will be hanging on her coattails. She needs to finish school before her life is destroyed. She shouldn’t even consider marriage till she is done with her degree. At that point, he will be long gone.
I don’t think his relationship with his future in-laws is on his mind one iota. He is 100% concerned with his relationship with his girlfriend. He knows that a long distance relationship will probably result in an end to the relationship. He desperate to not lose her. He assumes that if they are married, he will not lose her. So, he is doing everything he can to convince her to marry him now, even if that means lying to her parents. The thought of damaging his relationship with his future in-laws has probably never crossed his mind.
I agree he sounds very manipulative, and a little immature.
Well, she is over the top empathetic and tends to befriend people will issues. She also seems to be fairly wounded over her fathers behavior toward me, and toward her and her sisters - more than I first realized at the time. She shouldn’t have self esteem issues - she is super smart, personable (when the boyfriend isn’t around) and actually was a very successful competitive figure skater for a long time.
This is what my husband thinks we should do – he even suggested perhaps we should have her father and his wife join (her father is a first class jerk but is totally on our side with this boyfriend of hers)
Family meetings have worked well when we need to deal with our middle kid. if his siblings are in the room, he is more civil and will actually listen to what we’re saying.
I really like how your husband is thinking. Also wonder if it’s possible for your daughter’s father and stepfather to take the boyfriend fishing, golfing, to a game… And let him gently know their expectations and that they are watching. That it may not be as easy as he thinks to separate her from family. That they are looking out for what they see as her best interests.
Forty one years ago I dropped out of professional school to marry very young, move far away from family, and work to support my new husband financially while he finished school.
However, there was nothing sneaky about it. My future husband did everything in his power to impress and reassure my parents. And I kept telling them it was my plan… working a few years then home raising children, no one was talking me into anything. My mother was so worried I’d be bored. My father was worried I’d be too dependent financially. Their concerns were valid. Husband set an all time record finishing his program. I was not surprised. That was the plan.
There are always two sides to a story, but that letter is just damning to me. Unless your family situation is abusive, and it doesn’t sound like it to me at all.
eta. For at least twenty years, my parents kept asking if I didn’t want to complete that professional degree. Happy to pay for it. Maybe it would be useful.
I wouldn’t have a meal with a cast of thousands because it will seem like you are ganging up on her, she’ll get defensive and then not listen to anything. I would have a serious talk, tell her you will be paying for her to finish her nursing degree because it is important that she have a degree and a way to support herself (when she gets dumped - oh, I didn’t say that).
You might tell her you will have to deduct the amount of the AOTC (if you take that) if she gets married because you won’t be able to claim her as a dependent, and lay out any other things she may lose (car? car insurance?)
Yeah our family is not all abusive - despite very rough separations and divorces from both other parents (my husband’s ex and my ex) - my new husband and I have provided an extremely calm and stable home life for all of the kids throughout middle school, high school and college. We have been together now for the most of their later childhood (starting when my nursing student was 10 years old). It is so frustrating to me – her odd point of view. She was brought up with everything she could want or need, skated, played volleyball, got help with college apps and went where she wanted. She doesn’t seem to understand that our concerns are for HER not ourselves. Heck she is my youngest, if I didn’t care it would be super easy for my husband and I to kick to retirement plan into gear, sell our house here where they grew up and buy a place in a warmer climate but we are waiting on purpose to give the last two the ability to finish college and come home to get set for the rest of their careers/lives. That said, she has always been stubborn to her own detriment.
Right? Or when she sees the light and realizes she needs to leave! She watched the horror of the divorce between her father and I – the one thing I continuously emphasized to all the girls was that I was able to make the decisions I needed to make because I had a career and was financially independent. THAT is all I want her to do.
If she watched the horror of the divorce between you and you ex especially at young age then that will have a profound affect on her. I work with trauma, especially developmental trauma, as an embodied therapist. The ‘appeasement’ style of caring is a stress response, wired into many people from a young age. These people are drawn to caring professions such as nursing, social work etc. AND they draw towards them, and are often drawn towards, the manipulators, the controllers etc. Perhaps confusing the control with love (did he ‘love bomb’ her in the beginning?), or out of a desire to ‘fix’ (where fixing is confused with giving love).
This is not about her having ‘everything’. What she needed during the divorce was not available to her because her parents had other things to sort out. No one is at fault, it just is. Her emotional needs were not met, and when this happens, the body is stressed so it searches for a way to alleviate that stress: fight, flight, freeze, fawn (appeasement) or flop (shut down, dissociation).
The fiance offers an illusion of security and safety for her. To combat that, you need to show that she can feel comforted and secure in her family & with friends and reduce the need for him. Anything that threatens her will send her straight into the arms of the fiance whom she perceives as offering security (when we all know he doesn’t).
I think that he knows that the distance is threatening to their bond: look at how he cranked up the pressure now he is away. Plus the poster above is correct - the peer pressure and stress of boot camp will also have an effect on decision making.
For reference: a good friend of mine, mother of 2 kids now at college recently left and is divorcing her husband after 30+ years. Her home life as a child wasn’t great and she went straight into the arms of someone who offered her refuge from that. She thought he was loving etc, and only after many years began to see the controlling, manipulative and narcissistic behavior for what it was.
The manipulator / appeaser is a classic trauma bond.
Actually - realized I should offer some ideas of moving forward too:-
Where a relationship has experienced rupture (you and your daughter), then emphasis is on repair, repair, repair. Be there for her, help make the family unit safe, secure and comforting (sounds like you have been doing this).
Appeasers are horrible with boundaries. Encourage boundary setting by doing it yourself. Examples might include what you will /won’t pay for around college, the wedding, relocation. As a nurse good boundaries will help her professionally to avoid burn out.
What are your tendencies? A fixer, appeaser? Controlling? Ignoring? Working on ourselves will often improve relations with others in the longer term. Even if this won’t solve the immediate issue of the engagement, it will help your relationship with your daughter so she knows you’re there for her. If the marriage goes ahead, this is going to be super important.
This is a stressful situation for all involved: you, your daughter, your family and the fiance. Be really aware of how everyone’s stress responses are kicking off and what you can do to dial it down. Avoid making decisions when in your stress response.
Be kind to yourself and take time to nurture yourself and your relationship with your husband and other kids. I know situations like this can take over the family dynamic. Date nights, movie nights, going out for walks, etc.
Wow, excellent point. It’s taken me awhile not to get defensive when this is brought up in reference to my younger two kids, who had to suffer while their older brother was going through psychotic breaks and a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. My husband and I truly did our best, but the demands of taking care of our oldest child meant that the younger two didn’t always get what they needed. Ten years later and they are still feeling the effects of the trauma. They have both benefited from counseling. When I speak to parents of mentally ill kids, I tell them to get their “healthy” kids into therapy. I really think this applies to kids whose parents have gotten divorced, also.
Yes this ^^^. Please read one of my first responses to this thread. I lived through it with 3 older sisters. Many people here unfortunately might not see this clearly. Sure some meet their future spouses young and life works out. That is rare.
She’s needs to continue her schooling and not get pregnant. Plain and simple. She should make sure they “both” use protection.
The good thing is she shared the letter with her sisters from what I read. She wouldn’t of done that if she didn’t think something was not right. That is a good thing. Maybe her eyes are opening up?
@MaineLonghorn yes a family crisis will mean resources are diverted towards the crisis. We are only human and do what we can. Sometimes healing must come later when there is space to do so.
@Knowsstuff the sharing of the letter is a sign that she maybe is starting to feel the family is safe. That is a good sign.
@toomanyteens How much time is left before her fiancé finishes his training? In other words, what is the earliest date they could go to courthouse and get married?
If you have some time, you might wait on doing a group intervention. Let several more desperate letters arrive from boot camp, and see if your D shares more concerns with her sisters.
One desperate letter can be discounted by your D as a reaction to his first days of boot camp. But a pile of letters filled with the same desperation would be harder for your D to ignore.
Maybe this fiancé can change your D’s mind without you being the bad guy.
Counseling for you might be helpful as you search for appropriate boundaries for yourself. I have found that working on my own mental health with a counselor has also significantly improved my relationships within my immediate family.
I was discussing this with my DH who is a retired Naval Officer. He said that they guy is probably trying to get more money because he would get a housing allowance for having dependents. However, if she is staying at school, then all of the money would go to him. He could get in lots of trouble with no spouse around, and money burning a hole in his pocket. She would get medical insurance. The whole thing is a terrible idea, and she needs to think long and hard.
Oh, and a junior enlisted member makes like no money. They are poor. Is she ready for that?