Yeah that – because he WANTS out. I heard her say to her sister that she doesn’t know what to say to him because she wants to be supportive but she thinks this is a very bad move for his future.
His plan is to buy a bike and go back to work at Walmart (he has no car) and try to enlist in the Air Force – I am not seeing that all working out. He keeps telling her to save her money because they don’t need us parents. UGH
She should save her money since he most likely doesn’t have any. Maybe someone should give them a monthly list of expenses to have reality set in.
And he’s going to ride his bike on an injured ankle? And Walmart is holding his job for him in this economy? Hmmm…
And the Air Force is too stupid to check to see if he’s ever enlisted in another branch of the armed services? And the recruiting officer can’t pick up the phone to find out why he flushed out of basic training after a week???
Right? None of this passes a sniff test LOL. I can’t tell who is the fish and who is the angler here.
Actually he washed out after one DAY of basic training! That is definitely not something that will be seen in any positive light. It’s good idea for her to save her money for HER future, whatever it brings.
It’s a good thing he’s showing his colors now. I hope she sees that he is jeopardizing both his and their futures in his trying for a bogus medical discharge, and showing he can’t be relied upon and is willing to lie to try to find greener grass. .
Yep agreed – my daughter talked to me yesterday about lying and how she is so sensitive to being lied to because she thinks of her father. I agreed and pointed out that if someone is willing to lie big for reason x, don’t think they won’t lie big to you when they consider it necessary. I hope that has her thinking.
My first comments related back to her father. This is one of the reasons I stated it.
She needs to really test him
Let her call of the engagement for now
Let him “prove” himself to her. If he does, then great.
If he doesn’t, then she saved herself a 1-2 year marriage with divorce and a kid. Oh, she will pay him alimony since he’s not working.
Keep your lines of communication open and hopefully a hug is still in there somewhere. She needs to be felt that she is safe with you.
I am trying @Knowsstuff – we have been talking more and I really hope he doesn’t get back here TOO soon, she has been hanging out with friends again and that sort of thing, like being herself and not just an extension of him. Meanwhile we are trying our best to make her feel safe with us.
This weekend we have a family party (and we let them each invite a friend too) at our little Shanty at the shore, one of the girls has graduated college, didn’t walk of course and so we are celebrating. I didn’t let her weasel out and made it clear we will all be there. I hope it is another step in the right direction.
Perhaps her friends & siblings are able to communicate “How is this working out for you? Is this what you want your life to be like day in & day out?”
I have been thinking that the engagement was a red herring, that this is not a Victorian novel and having to get out of a controlling and emotionally abusive marriage wouldn’t be any worse than having to get out of a non formalised controlling and abusive relationship. But the alimony angle floors me. Is that still a realistic worry in the legal system that were to apply, in the case of such a short lived marriage among young people, with hopefully no kids?
I think the main thing is that with experience as older adults we’ve seen the divorces, realized in 20-20 hindsight how different life can work out depending on these huge decisions especially marriage (especially at a young age). We’re geared to look for red flags.
It’s not just a matter of marriage and maybe divorce; it’s the actual years lost during a very crucial time of life. It’s financial, child bearing years, education, emotional toil all wrapped into one big decision. Parents say “cut your losses” and kids will claim “love”.
Fact is you can’t CHANGE someone to fit your profile. They need to already be that person.
Your D as you’ve presented this case found she loves but isn’t fitting her “profile” of the most important traits as time goes on. This is pretty new. He was going in the Marines and showed a direction in life (yea!) but now claiming a medical discharge with no real reason or future plan (major boo!) Trustworthiness is crucial and a deal breaker. I’m sure she’s figuring this out so support her down those lines.
Unfortunately telling someone to “cut their losses” and there’s " more fish in the sea" doesn’t help much. But I’m guessing your D may conclude this on her own from what she’s already experienced.
Yes I hope so – I mean we all saw this coming and even said it to each other right down to watch him get hurt in bootcamp and not make it (of course none of us thought on the 2nd dang day). I have had many conversations with all my girls about how it takes more than love to make a marriage work.
Sorta tongue in cheek remark by me. But if she has the job and he doesn’t and they have a kid…hmmm…maybe not so unrealistic.
OK, we are worrying the OP. Hopefully she goes to school and moves on with her life. It appears that her eyes might be opening a bit. She has already talked to his father, his recruitment person, etc and it’s only been a week or so. I hope she doesn’t have to do this the rest of her life. Trying to get her to go behind her mother’s back and lying like it’s a positive move. Either he gets his act together for her, or not. If she’s not worth it , then what is for him?
@Tigrele I got divorced in CT. My ex had a BS just like me, I was awarded primary custody of my children (youngest was almost 11, oldest was college age). He stayed out of work because he chose to not because he had to or that I wanted him to – and yet according to CT law I owed him a significant amount of alimony. If it hadn’t happened to me I would have said no way so WHO KNOWS?
I have a friend who also had an ex who purposefully chose to stay under employed to avoid paying child support and his wife (who he physically abused) ended up having to pay him alimony. Big failure of the system but it happens.
Yep - in hindsight I suspect (being as my ex was having a long term affair) he consulted an attorney before I had any clue what was going on.
We know a guy who works are pizza delivery guy and does other side jobs which he doesn’t report so he has low income post divorce and doesn’t have to pay his ex or support their kids. I consider him scum, but sadly common.
I have at least a dozen hair-raising stories about women paying alimony to the “intentionally unemployed or underemployed” ex husband.
Yes, it happens to men paying alimony to their ex-wives as well, but most of the time, the ex wife is only working part time because- y’know- she’s raising their kids.
OP-- I’m encouraged that your D is keeping the lines of communication open with you. I’m sure this is keeping you up at night, but it sounds like she might be looking for a quick and easy exit door right now. Calling the dad for sure is a cry for “save him because I can’t”.
Any news, @toomanyteens ?