I don’t know she said it like THAT but I got the impression from my other girls she called him to express her concern he is having second thoughts about being there and that she wants to help him figure out how to see it through.
Honestly I am going to have a chat with her today, try to reset a little, see if she will openly share with me what is going on and get an idea where her head is at here.
Probably not today, but maybe some other time.
Got it, maybe expressed a more general concern. It’s going to be hard to break up after 3 years but you already know this (and went through it in a much more complicated way)
@toomanyteens D is mothering her fiancé. She may be thinking that she cannot give up on him because she is all he has. If she is isolated from her family it furthers the dysfunction.
Is there any way you could use her issues with you to get her to see a counselor? Say something along the lines of "I understand you don’t think I was the right mom for you. Maybe that’s something you should talk about with someone other than me before you get married or bring your own child into the world. "
Maybe if she starts talking it will help her with other issues too.
This way, it won’t be “maybe you should talk about your relationship with that boy.” Or maybe even admitting that she needs to talk about all this but because you two don’t have the best relationship she should talk to someone else.
@Southoftheriver – I was going to say this very thing. I can see it looking at my own D. She is very caring and a wonderful person but takes on too much of other people’s troubles. She adopts “strays”–not animals but people. She’s a “fixer” too. She gets mad at me for my “criticism” (not in my eyes) because my first reaction is usually trying to point out that she is NOT a parent (you can and should sacrifice for your kids) and first and foremost at this point in life needs to protect herself emotionally and put her own needs first.
Just from what I’ve read I get that same vibe–surrogate mom plus “fixer” personality detrimental to D’s own life goals.
That is a good idea
Umm…telling a Marine recruiter that your BF wants to quit is not a good move for his career.
Agree with others that she’s trying to fix and mother, though she probably thinks of it as legitimate love and care – but she can’t fix someone else, esp if he doesn’t want to be fixed. Common coping technique for ACAs. Heck, I’ve been guilty of it myself with DH, who had a parent with major MH and addiction issues.
Poor BF hasn’t had much love in his life, and he’s trying to get love in ways that reflect that damage. It’s a perfect feedback loop of neediness between the two of them.
<<<<<<<<Apparently she also contacted his recruiter and the boyfriend wrote that he was unhappy about that and said he forgave her for being a snitch.<<<<<<<<<
You know, is this actually a real thing? It sounds so unlikely to me. It jumps the shark LOL.
So I got her to talk a little yesterday. She is not pleased with his quitting so easily and is concerned that he has a path of some sort. She also admitted he is pushing for early marriage even though she has made it clear she wants to finish her BSN first. She also said she really didn’t want to get married under a circumstance that made us (her family) unhappy and somehow he is not ‘getting’ that.
Anyway I am still not pleased with the situation but we had a calm talk and we seem to be going more in the right direction. And she seems to be a bit wary of the whole thing which I think she should be.
@twomanyteens – “she’s not pleased with his quitting”.
Yep, she’s adopted him. (On the plus side I’ll bet she’ll decide not to marry him)
I tend to agree – at least she is thinking and at least she seems to be understanding how what she is seeing today could impact her future.
Nice progress. Slowly she might see the light. I hope the conversation ended with a hug from you. If not, then next time and a " I am always here for you".
One thing I tell parents when their kids go away to school for the first time and they get the “panic” calls is to just listen. Again, just listen. You don’t want her to go down the path of mistakes that you made. We all want that for our children. Just try to keep the lines of communications open and maybe find common topics to talk about so it’s easy to talk about the harder stuff.
He doesn’t have anyone and “tag” she’s it. If it wasn’t her it would be someone else. Hopefully she will see that. But I really do hope he get’s his s##t together.
Also it’s hard for girls in your daughter’s position but she has all the leverage. She needs to learn one certain word that has a huge amount of power. Just one word, it’s called NO!. What would he do if she said No, I don’t want to get engaged now, I want to wait till we are really ready. He would say…“OK” .
Again, NO is a very, very powerful word. Maybe your daughters can help her with that.
Your doing greatr mom.!!!
Please let her know, somehow without antagonizing her, that she can help him and support him for as long as he needs it … without being in a romantic relationship or marrying him. And that you can help her support him. You will help him, if he allows it. (I hope you would?) She doesn’t have to marry him to help him get to a better place.
Maybe he grows up.
Maybe he finds someone else.
The goal here (for me) is no pregnancy; no early marriage.
My niece had a boyfriend who really wanted her married, barefoot and pregnant, instead of attending college. Very nice guy… absolutely no sarcasm.
Sister made sure niece was on some sort of long term birth control. A year later both had happily moved on to other romantic interests, and niece didn’t marry till after a degree and working a short while.
If niece had gotten pregnant, a very different story. Maybe it would have been a good story, but not the one her parents intended for her.
Disclaimer; I am NOT a therapist. This is just a random internet opinion.
Thank you @Knowsstuff I have told her more than just yesterday that I am always there for her. I told her I wasn’t perfect and I am sure I have made mistakes in delivery but that her best interests have always been and will always be my priority and where it all comes from – she is at least thinking and that makes me happy. I agree on the NO - she said she hadn’t gotten a chance to really talk with him about it being as he shipped off right after he proposed to her – she seemed unhappy with the pressure and not just taking no for an answer too.
YES – she said he keeps talking about taking care of her, and her not working and raising their kids and she was no way about that. She did watch me… phew. She is on long term birth control! I asked her to please promise me to finish her degree and then decide.
New UPDATE: Daughter tried to persuade fiance that sticking with the plan to be a marine was the better decision and that his idea he would be able to go to a different branch was not particularly solid.
It didn’t seem to sink in - the last letter she got says he is seeking a medical discharge and will come back home, buy a bicycle and ride it to his job as walmart until he can get recruited to the Air Force instead.
Sisters said she was talking to fiance’s step father telling him about it and basically saying she couldn’t make him decide the way she thought best and she’d be back at college by the time he gets home again anyway. I haven’t gotten the chance to talk with her yet but her sisters said she sounded pretty unhappy about it all.
This makes her decision difficult because I get she loves him but I also know she doesn’t want to be his mother for the rest of her life.
Maybe this is what will make her realize that maybe getting engaged so young /soon was not the best choice. Someone has to let her know that calling off the engagement is OK. Maybe wait till he’s more established in his pursuit.
Also getting a medical discharge won’t make it easier for another branch to welcome him with open arms.
Is there a trade school that he can get help with attending?
She will start seeing a different (didn’t say better), class of people when she does her clinicals. This can be eye opening for her. She is /will be around people with life goals and ambition.
OK, no joke. You don’t need a degree to become an assistant manager or manager at Walmart. Managers make a huge salary BTW but even assistant managers make a great living.
If he’s a people person maybe this could be a path to explore.
@Knowsstuff he is NOT at all a people person - he barely talks. His backup was supposedly a mechanic school in Ohio but he seems completely unable to deal with being away from my daughter AND away from home - this is what she said. So I am not sure how that is going to work out.
She mentioned to me today about the medical discharge and says he cannot help it now, that the ankle injury is not healing and so he has no choice. I honestly think she is lying to herself and I think he is lying to the Marines. He has already proven he will lie to get what he wants. I hope she sees the light eventually. She and I are spending the afternoon together tomorrow - she is going to help me get ready for a grad party at our shore cottage for one of the other girls, so maybe she will talk more.
Why can’t he get an MRI or diagnostic ultrasound of the ankle ligaments to see if there is a ligament/tendon tear? Lol, this is what I do for a living. Haven’t seen an acute ankle sprain keep anyone out of the military training yet.
They do have doctors and therapist, I think?
What is his plan when she goes away to school?