This is what perplexes me – how can she possibly think that it will be a 50/50? The problem is she wasn’t telling me when I kept my mouth shut and she isn’t telling me if I don’t - somehow she isn’t seeing or admitting it to herself.
“This is what perplexes me – how can she possibly think that it will be a 50/50? The problem is she wasn’t telling me when I kept my mouth shut and she isn’t telling me if I don’t - somehow she isn’t seeing or admitting it to herself.”
Today at 3:22 pm
I’m going to guess that she DID hear it. But just won’t admit it to you. She won’t admit it to you or maybe (yet) accept it for herself. But she did hear it.
Her friends surely are seeing red flags here. This generation’s tolerance for having a partner who doesn’t pull their own weight (laundry, housework, paycheck) seems MUCH smaller than ours was! We were thrilled to have someone “help” with the kids on the weekends when we were exhausted after a long week of work…
Her sisters can observe “doesn’t he want to stick it out at Bootcamp? Surely the Air Force is going to question why he left one branch of the military so quickly-- you do know they can share information, right? If he gets bounced (or quits) he’s not likely to find the next recruiter excited to have him sitting in the chair…”
Her friends can ask “why do you want to tie yourself down to someone who hasn’t figured out what he wants?” Her married sister can share with her how stressful the first year of marriage can be even if you’re on the same page with your spouse. Her married sister can talk about how important it is to “make an effort” with the other side, even if you don’t feel like it. Her brother-in-law can tell her how excited he is to have “another brother” and that he’s looking forward to building a relationship with him.
Her dad can tell her how proud he is of her, and that he hopes that she’ll continue her education even after her boards because nurses with advanced training, certifications, and degrees have so much impact on our healthcare system AND earn a lot more money.
All of this will likely trigger something…
@Midwest67 – name it for me. Or just start!
Here we go: http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/2188994-parent-challenges-with-adult-kids.html#latest
I’ll jump in later. I am heading out soon but will check in tomorrow, if not tonight.
I’m a “fixer.” I love to try to fix all the problems of the world, at least in my head. One thing that has really helped my relationship with S when I know something is troubling him is to clarify right away, “Are you/we trying to fix/solve this or are you just venting?”
This is useful when talking with H as well, since when I’m just venting he wants to fix with solutions that won’t work and just frustrate me.
Anyway, OP, I admire your honesty and strength in trying to work through this challenging time in your life with your D. She’s so fortunate to have your support and I’m sure you will find your way forward. Lots of listening and suspend judgment. Your D has her friends and sisters to help her as well. Good luck!
So your daughter gets to transfer her anger on to you. Gotta love kids. You can always use the technique of turning the last thing she says into a question right back at her. It’s a way to get them to talk and doesn’t give them a lot of room out of it.
She says “I wanted you to be at home more”. You say, "you wanted me to be at home more? Tell me more about that or something like that how did that affect you.
Also I do feel a sit down again with your support system can help with her. Even just at dinner you say" wish I could of changed things “They say” what do you mean “. You say” instead of being able to be there for you like after school then, I had to work so I can afford your college education now . No one can’t argue with that. Also gets your point across clearly. You also didn’t plan on marrying an alcoholic. Life throws us all a lot of curves.
As blossom said then turn it into a “How can we become closer now?”… How can we start fresh now.
Getting her to talk is key. At some point he will be back home and it’s natural to say… “why?”…
Also this is your child, I wouldn’t walk like I am on glass. But asking, “is there anything I can do for you”. Let her know you want to be closer now. She’s only 19. This isn’t the end of your relationship with her but remember the 2 goals. She finishes her degree and goes on for advance degrees and she doesn’t get pregnant! There is no negotiations on this.
Hopefully as stated her girlfriends and her sisters will help her see through this guy… Does he have parents? What do they think or will think once he is back at Walmart?
I think part of the power of asking and really listening and reflecting back on what is being said is it draws the speaker out. It also makes everyone clear on the goal of the conversation—venting vs solving are very different.
Sometimes the venting will lead to later problem solving and sometimes the venting alone is enough to allow everyone to move on. Trying to lead another person to a solution is nowhere near as powerful as helping them discover their own solution.
Motivational interviewing is based on the idea that people have the tools and answers they need to make changes within them — one needs to let them work toward the solutions that they buy in to and will make succeed. It’s much more effective than lecturing and something that effective parents and leaders employ regularly.
Not getting pregnant is key. Maybe your other daughters can talk to her about this?
When I was a second year college student, I moved into a shared house. There was some drama and disagreement with the room mates, and I went to call my mum to vent and get her support. She could not have been less interested or bothered if she tried. Why? Because my dad was seriously ill with an undiagnosed condition and she was dealing with this, a stressful job, an aging parent, and my two younger sisters.
But at that moment, aged 19, what I felt was: that I am on my own, no one has my back, I have to deal with everything myself. I never asked for help again. And that ‘independence’ has stayed with me for life: it nearly ruined my marriage, it has caused me lots of stress and pain.
If people asked me about it, I would have typically said: my mum wasn’t there when I had room mate issues at college. This is my version of ‘you didn’t come to my 4th grade recital at 11am’ . But the reality is actually bigger. I felt emotionally unsafe with drama in my college home, AND that there was no one there to support me. It not about the correct ‘facts’, it is about my lived experience, because it is the experience that gets programmed into the nervous system, not the ‘facts’.
It is only now in my midlife, with my own kids, own therapy work - and training in developmental trauma and embodiment - that I can see the situation from my mother’s side. Of course she didn’t give a d*** about college room mate drama when her husband might be dying!
You want your daughter to feel safe, strong and resilient. She needs to FEEL it, not have it be an intellectual exercise. It’s why opinions and arguments don’t work. The more you and the rest of the family, and her friends, can create that feeling of safety, the less she will need the boyfriend. The less she needs him the more likely she is to question his decisions and see them for what they are. If she has somewhere safe to be it won’t be so scary to break up with him (don’t think the ending of this relationship will be swift or pleasant, whether it is now or in the future).
For people with appeasement tendencies, to feel strong and embody boundaries, I really recommend some structured movement classes. Boxing, martial arts, Iyengar yoga. Something with rules, something to push against. Not a pre recorded video, but perhaps a Zoom class with a live instructor. Perhaps you can do it together?
@MaineLonghorn - I would argue his perceptions are NOT skewed: his experience is just very different from yours. It is painful of course, for both parties, to have such differing versions of reality about a shared space or time.
As well as creating good memories now, you can also acknowledge your son’s lived, felt experience. His feelings are not a judgement on you, they are his to own and manage.
I know you do some work in mental health, so you may like ‘Healing Developmental Trauma’ by Laurence Heller
This part is super sad - his mother passed away earlier this year from cervical cancer at the age of 45. His father as I understand is not in the picture but only his step father whom I understand is not a real nice guy.
A quick update that I THINK is somewhat positive – apparently my other girls heard her talking to the boyfriend’s step father. She was telling him that she wrote back to him saying to remember why he joined the marines and that trying to get discharged was a bad idea and that he should muscle through and stick with it. Apparently she also contacted his recruiter and the boyfriend wrote that he was unhappy about that and said he forgave her for being a snitch. So she DOES know that quitting is not good and she IS encouraging him to stick it out and finish what he started so there is that.
So he really has no one and no relationship except your daughter? Or, are there sibings? Aunts, uncles?
I’m surprised he’s not on his best behavior, trying to get accepted into your family as another child. But he just lost his mom! He needs mothering.
How long has he been with daughter?
He does have a grandmother on the mother’s side around and yes an aunt. I agree you would think he would want to be accepted into our family and believe me we have tried to welcome him but he isn’t really interested most times. He is invited all the time, but 99% of the time declines. We would totally do it and we already have 5 kids so… they have been together for a while now, maybe going on 3 years.
Now I feel bad for the boy. They are both looking for something that is not there and needs fulfilling. Well give her credit. She’s trying to make it work. If things continue to go South with him she might give up. She’s trying to fix him.
I will be honest, if it wasn’t for my 16 year old girlfriend when I was 18, I might not be in the position I am today. We dated for 8 years though before getting married then waited another 8 years to build our practice before kids. Married 33 years but not this situation.
Well, let’s see if he follows through. She put him on notice by contacting his recruiter and father in law. Giving him no more excuses. She has something to prove in this also.
Yeah I think so too. Deep down I think she knows she can only sacrifice herself so much. I have always felt badly for him - unfortunately sometimes all you got is you though … I really was hoping that the military would help him grow into what he needs to be to gain more confidence and ambition and like you said would have preferred he embrace our family rather than shun it.
His family is fairly broken - way more so than my daughters - the deceased mother was a former addict and as I understand it he has half brothers from two different other fathers. One is the step father - his younger brother is only like 12. At one time she told me he was afraid of the step father but now when she says she is going there to have dinner with him and the younger brother and I express my concern she says oh he has changed so I am not sure what to think.
Here’s a stretch… Can you go to dinner also?
Do I understand right, your daughter called his recruiter and told him/her he is trying to fake an injury in order to get out?