Yes I talked with all the girls about this – to date they haven’t done anything about it that I am aware.
Thank you - she doesn’t think I am and as a matter of fact has said to me more than once I was never the ‘right kind’ of mother. I am not sure what that means although I have asked her the question. The boyfriend only seems to help her solidify that I am not the right kind of mother and that she needs something else. It is sad really – I try my best and I am not clear what she expects of me exactly.
Well…ask her then…
I am so sorry. Sometimes being a parent sucks.
I hope you know that this is his way of manipulating her. Textbook way of alienating and isolating her from her support group.
@deb922 oh I do know - but she simply doesn’t see it. It scares me honestly.
@Knowsstuff I have and really her ‘complaints’ are like her asking me to be a different person. I don’t think that is fair. She would say things like I was not there at home when she got off the school bus, or I didn’t do crafts with them, or I don’t even know her favorite color – really kind of superficial things honestly. Some of it isn’t even really true. And some of it isn’t even reasonable.
I was a career mom, so not the stay at home, cookie baking mother who was there all the time, but I did my best to be involved with my kids lives – this daughter was a competitive figure skater, I was there with her for practice, for competitions, and afterwards - when she was done skating and switched to volleyball, same thing. Many times I was travelling a few days of the week and I would fly directly to her competition in another city so I didn’t miss anything important. And yes I did this for all the girls and their activities. As a matter of fact when my ex refused to do any of these things on his visitation, she asked me to get her to the rink on ‘his’ weekends and I did.
When it came to colleges we worked together to find places that are affordable and fit her best etc. Believe me when I say she wasn’t starving for my time, attention or support. All my girls were active in their own things and I was there all.the.time (other than when I had to be working - someone had to make a living).
Its hurtful to me how skewed her view is on this subject.
And if she marries this guy, she will be supporting him!
BTDT with my sister, who married a guy who found the rank of corporal to be too much responsibility, pricked his finger to fudge his urine tests, and after he was out of the Army, decided selling old tools under the table and earning $5k/year was a fine way to support a family. My sister noped right out of that.
Yep I know!
OP- you can’t afford hurt right now. And of course- she didn’t pick her parents. I also was not the arts and crafts/be there when you get off the bus parent, and for sure my kids have long lists of grievances about what I didn’t do/who I wasn’t vs. their friends parents.
But one thing I’ve done which has broken the $%^&-cycle with them (now that they are adults) is just to say “If I wasn’t there for you for the 4th grade poetry recital (it was 11 am during a work day, for god’s sake…) tell me now how I can be there for you”.
And some of their “asks” are surprisingly easy. Take an interest in some obscure hobby of theirs I find boring (not so hard; I googled and read wikipedia). Help a friend with a job search. Read the first draft of another friends “screenplay” and NOT tell the friend what I actually think. Go out for dinner at a restaurant they choose with a cuisine I might not like.
I can’t re-litigate their childhood, but I can be “'present” right now.
Your D may not be ready to accept that you made the decisions you made for the good of the family, but she may be ready to accept the kind of mother you can be right now.
I’d be in full on panic mode, @toomanyteens , but I know that wouldn’t be helpful. Telling another person what you see isn’t as effective as helping her to see it herself. Maybe you could have a series of conversations, beginning with, “So it looks as if Bobby is unhappy at boot camp and is likely to come home and try to get his Walmart job back. I am happy to sit down with you and help you figure out a budget that is manageable for a $12 per hour paycheck.” You can look for apartments online and send her the links so that she can see what their income will afford.
And then you can move on to “Let’s look at two scenarios, you stay in school and wait to get married, or you decide to leave school and get married right away.” Focus on the economics of every choice, with pictures of the affordable apartments available at each decision point.
Sometimes “seeing” the actual economic reality can be quite a deterrent to a bad decision.
And I just discovered she has a second brand new phone – creepy right? WHY does she need an extra phone? Maybe it is his. OH NEVERMIND! IT IS HIS
Good idea – I am so afraid of giving her the idea I am condoning it buy not objecting more.
@blossom – "and NOT tell the friend what I actually think. " I think this is where I get in trouble lol. If you didn’t want my opinion don’t ask. Especially when you know what I’ll say. And certainly don’t take offense!
At what point do you just become a silent person afraid to open your mouth?
Not voicing an opinion or even just plain facts (like economic realities) just negates yourself as a person. “Unconditional love” shouldn’t include letting someone jump off a cliff. I certainly don’t want to be hanging around saying “I told you so” and picking up the pieces.
I really relate to these stories. You love your kids to pieces and no matter what you say it gets twisted in some way. You wonder how you get so far apart when all you want is the best for your kids.
I read one time that the trick to having “easy” kids is to have a kid that is just more your temperament so that you really can understand one another without any work. Unfortunately there isn’t anything you can do to insure that at birth.
You are right of course – but my human side sometimes gets the best of me. I have been through a lot as well as them with my ex and all and had to stand up the whole time (which is the only thing I knew how to do)
Parenting is not for the faint at heart is it?
^Gee, that’s the truth! When my middle son tells us he has horrible memories in every corner of our house, I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone. His perceptions are so skewed.
When I mentioned that to his former psychiatrist (who still sees our older son), he said, “Well, all you can do is start making good memories now.” Similar to what other posters said. So we’re trying but I can’t help but think he’ll skew these efforts, too.
@toomanyteens – hugs. And I might be wrong here but what you’re trying to do (as a good parent with more experience) is save your D from her mistakes. But at some point every parent has to let go. I’m the absolute worst at that. I’ve got an opinion on everything (and have been proven wrong more than once.) But once you’ve voiced your opinion then you need to let it go (I’m still learning). You can’t run her life. It doesn’t belong to you.
“At what point do you just become a silent person afraid to open your mouth?
Not voicing an opinion or even just plain facts (like economic realities) just negates yourself as a person. “Unconditional love” shouldn’t include letting someone jump off a cliff. I certainly don’t want to be hanging around saying “I told you so” and picking up the pieces.”
Gouf, it has taken me a long time with my adult children to come to grips with a couple of facts- the biggest of which is that keeping my mouth shut does not negate me as a person, and that you never get to say “I told you so”.
One of my kids was all excited for his first job because it offered “income maintenance” as a company benefit. I am in corporate HR, so this is actually my wheelhouse. I explained (just once) that he didn’t need “income maintenance” which is corporate speak for disability insurance, he had no dependents, mortgage or debt, and that he’d be better off taking the premiums and putting them into an emergency fund which was portable (most kids leave their first jobs after a year or two) and wouldn’t disappear once he left this job.
He knew better, because the nice HR person at work told him what a great benefit it was and how much peace of mind it offered. So he took it. And promptly had a fit when he saw his first paycheck and realized how expensive it was! (like I had told him). So he canceled and did direct deposit into a money market account for his emergency fund (like I had originally told him) and wrote off the first months premium as an expensive learning experience. There’s a reason why AFLAC can afford all those funny and expensive TV commercials…
You don’t get to say “I told you so”. You can only bite your tongue after expressing your opinion once- and wait for the world/karma/reality to set in. In the OP’s case, I don’t think there’s even a 1% probability that her daughter thinks her mom loves her fiance. Not a chance. So reminding the D how awful this guy is serves exactly what purpose? If subconsciously the D is trying to prove that mom married the wrong guy and it didn’t work- but that SHE can marry the wrong guy and somehow change him/mold him, then expressing another round of “this guy is a terrible match for you” just reinforces the dynamic.
Why not let the D feel safe and supported enough to express her own concerns? Surely marrying someone who can’t hack Day 2 of Bootcamp doesn’t feel like this is going to be a 50/50 lifelong partnership to the D??? She needs to let her uncertainty percolate. And feel safe in telling people she loves and trusts that she’s got some concerns without hearing “told you so, he’s a loser, why can’t he hold down a job, why is he trying to control you, you can do better”.
Yes I suppose I am – and honestly once she graduates I am ready to let her have at it but this rush to marriage is just so ill advised! She is going to be a junior and there isn’t that much time left.
@blossom – thanks much. But what to do if those walls between parents and kids are already up? Any advice on bringing them back down?