<p>I am thinking narcissist. And, no, I have absolutely no credentials to make that evaluation. But still…</p>
<p>Here’s another suggestion…Go to the shower. Make friends, sit close to and chat up groom’s mom. Take lots of photos and tell groom’s family that you are taking all these photos for dear grandma who is a bit frail. “She is beside herself that she couldn’t make it despite still being generally well enough to get out for planned excursions. We looked into a private nurse’s aide for the day so that everyone could enjoy such a joyous occasion, but Mom just couldn’t afford it.”</p>
<p>I love all the “beat them at their own game” suggestions, but I think that, given zm’s straightforward and open personality (at least, that’s how she seems to me), the best thing for her is to just skip the whole circus. And it does seem like a circus to me, rather than a time of joy, celebration, and family bonding.</p>
<p>I have a question about wedding gift protocol. DD has gone/is going to weddings of college roommates, etc. that involve buying expensive airline tickets. She doesn’t have a lot of money. What is the expectation regarding gifts when the attendee spends hundreds of dollars to attend the event? I absolutely think that ZM should give a generous donation to a charity that supports the elderly or those with breathing difficulties in her nieces’ name for her gift and give her a certificate to that effect.</p>
<p>^^ Oh, and along with the certificate of the donation, maybe the recipe with a handwritten note saying, “You can make this with your new $600 mixer. If it doesn’t turn out well, try a cheap mixer like I own.”</p>
<p>I still want to know about this $600 mixer - what could it possibly do to be worth so much?</p>
<p>Nah, I wouldn’t give her the prized recipe. I’d attach a note that says lI remember you love my mashed potatoes. Give me a call and I’ll be happy to share it."</p>
<p>Although we are not out of college, we have been invited to a number of “destination weddings”. (Did I mention that I really resent kids who pick a place on the globe and say, “Y’all come…and pay LOTS of money to come to our wedding when we could have been married locally?” </p>
<p>Obviously not the case here because the to be wedded ones live in other cities. First of all, young kids shouldn’t feel obligated to purchase expensive gifts for their friends. They are all starting out. Look at their registry and find something that they want and that isn’t “too” expensive. Or, a group of kids can go in on the gift for something “grander”. </p>
<p>Also, see what is included in the weekend. I have cousins in New York who had a daughter getting married. From the moment we stepped off the plane to the moment we left, every meal was paid for by them, entertainment (if you wanted) included…they WANTED their out of town guests there and to feel wanted and cared for). We are adults and gave what we thought appropriate for us. </p>
<p>Beyond that…Mimk6’s daughter’s presence is wanted.</p>
<p>
The expectation doesn’t change per se. It should remain, “Whatever you wish and whatever you can afford.” Since the expenses to get to the wedding need to be factored into the “what you can afford,” the gift may end up being smaller monetarily than if the wedding had been one town over. Note that I said “monetarily.” Sometimes a silver frame with a picture of college friends, or a collage of pictures, or something like that, can be priceless. (Particularly now that no one actually prints pictures anymore!)</p>
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It’s a Kitchen Aid mixer with every possible attachment.</p>
<p>
This is genius.</p>
<p>There shouldn’t be any expectations regarding the cost of the gifts. Most of my friends gave us dish towels and placemats because that was what there budget allowed. That was fine and we still use them!</p>
<p>And I’ve said it before, I actually have enjoyed the presents that were not on our registry much more than the ones that were.</p>
<p>I am surprised she did not pick the $1200 copper kitchenaid</p>
<p>It’s taken me a few days (literally) but I made my way through this web (and I sincerely appreciate the recipe for the mashers…yum!). I’m sorry you are going through this, I really am. I won’t go through a blow by blow because I’m late to the party and others have done an excellent job. I will say I don’t think you really give two hoots about the niece (not that you don’t care about her but you are just done), expect anything different from her behavior, or care to see her again. Wipe your hands of it and be done. Your sister is another matter. She does not treat you well. I’m sorry but she really, really does not. It is my arm-chair opinion that you need to quit giving her the excuse that this is simply because of the niece. Nope, it’s because of her…period. You need to decide if you want to continue a relationship with your sister (which I think you do), determine why you accept such shoddy treatment from her, and work towards a healthier balance.</p>
<p>As for the wedding…send your regrets now and don’t look back (or at least mentally make the decision not to go and move on). I’d really strive not to discuss it with your sister also. Don’t get sucked into any more drama. Nothing good can come from going, not because of the niece, but because of the sister. It is not going to live up to what you want it to in any way. No doors will open to renewing relationships at a later date. If you go to the ceremony you will be acutely aware of your sister’s behavior towards you. If she slights you in any way your feelings will be hurt, feeling like an outcast. In a healthy relationship you would be able to brush it off knowing it’s a stressful day for her and her mind is a million places. Given the dynamics as they are you are going to be very aware of how every person reacts to you and it is likely not to be a positive experience…not because of anything you have done, but because your sister has essentially made you feel unwelcome. That’s right, your sister not your niece. She has passive aggressive down to a science. Frankly she puts my mom to shame who wrote the book, the sequel, and starred in the mini-series.</p>
<p>Big hugs to you zoos!! Put the wedding nonsense behind you. When it’s over look forward to building a healthier relationship with your sister. That would be the most positive thing to come out of this.</p>
<p>^^I think this is excellent advice. I keep reading this thread and thinking of two of my family members who, when all is said and done, do not treat me well. It’s hard, sad, and requires setting boundaries. You don’t deserve the behavior your sister dishes out. (The mixer story, as I wrote earlier, sealed the deal for me.) I hope you can someday work out the relationship. But for now, let it all go–easier said than done, but it’s possible.</p>
<p>Please tell me that the niece-from-hell is a professional-level cook who will actually use all those attachments!</p>
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Hahahaha! Good one. No. It’s not clear to me that she cooks at all. She does, however, tan/mani-pedi.</p>
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Thank you! I’m mulling over the whole situation. I think I didn’t realize until I started posting how much I needed to “talk” about this.</p>
<p>Do those KitchenAid attachments include nail files and callous removers? Maybe she’s planning to save money and do the mani/pedis at home!</p>
<p>Please don’t tell me that she uses tanning salons!</p>
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I won’t tell you that, but I’ll start singing "oompah loompah . . .</p>
<p>Which is what my kids call her, and you’ll get the idea.</p>
<p>LOL! Is she short and pudgy, too? :p</p>
<p>The only way this can get better is if her name is Snookie!! :)</p>