<p>
She is very short, but not at all pudgy. She’s busty (naturally), though.</p>
<p>
My niece is polished, educated and articulate, but physically she is the Snookie type. She is, however, a beautiful and elegant dresser who speaks perfectly.</p>
<p>^ I was just teasing zoos. It’s clear that you care about your niece, and see many qualities in her that are worthy of admiration. Her treatment of you is unacceptable and you have made the healthy decision to create distance, set emotional boundaries. We don’t have to allow toxic people in our lives. Being able to see admirable qualities in those same people is a beautiful thing. You are a good person zoos!! 
Give yourself the credit you deserve for getting to a healthy place with your niece (even though she is not). You will find a healthy place with your sister when the wedding is over and she had the emotional energy to devote to you. I honestly believe this has been a good thing in helping you evaluate how you really feel and what you are willing to put up with. You deserve far better!!</p>
<p>Y’all,
zm now has the material for a great screenplay! A great basic plot, plus all these fantasies about how to handle it.
A movie? A mini-series? A reality show?
Please suggest actors and actresses to play the leading roles. And a title, episodes, etc.</p>
<p>Very, very therapeutic for us all.
And enjoy, zm- hope you make zillions!!! You deserve it!</p>
<p>Z…sorry she doesn’t “speak perfectly”. To do so would require tact, love, intelligence, and the ability to listen and respond in kind. The ability to string words together well enough to order a grande nonfat latte with three splendas doesn’t cut it. (She’d probably forget the please and the thank you.)</p>
<p>
True! What I meant was that she doesn’t sound like the Jersey Shore girls or the Real Housewives. I’m trying to be fair and less catty!</p>
<p>I think this whole thread strikes a chord with me and Blueiguana hit the nail on the head. The problem is your sister and the problems with your niece were a result of an unhealthy relationship with your sister. I have a lot of experience with this kind of behavior. From one family member in general. It has taken me a long time to stop letting her walk all over me and it is a gradual process, at best. Trust me, though, once you stop excusing her behavior and set some boundaries on the way that you are willing to be treated, it gets easier and easier.</p>
<p>I know it is painful and I think it is, in a way, a mourning process when you realize that a relationship is not really what you hoped it would be. It’s a loss because you have to acknowledge that something is missing or wrong or unhealthy and in order to fix it you have to risk losing it. But you are worth that risk, even if you lose your sister, you gain more self respect than is possible to have in that kind of relationship.</p>
<p>The way that two family members interact is a pattern that becomes ingrained at a very early age and, as a result, it is a difficult thing to change. The one who has the upper hand HATES when the rules change. If there is anything to be salvaged, though, they will adapt and the relationship will survive and thrive.</p>
<p>Two words: T-O-X-I-C and O-U-T</p>
<p>Your sister and your niece are both very TOXIC and hateful people, and the sooner and more completely that you get them OUT of your life, the better off you’ll be.</p>
<p>The bit where you told your sister that you had an idea for a pricy (even the basic version is expensive) and very meaningful gift that YOU wanted to give her daughter, then your sister went out and bought the SAME THING (only the super-deluxe version) really, really capped it for me (before that, I was willing to think that maybe your sister had at least a little bit of good in her). She just couldn’t bear the thought that you might do something that would have a faint (given how awful the niece is) chance of making your niece happy, or WHAT???</p>
<p>Your sister didn’t speak to you for five whole years, than after she becomes the grieving widow, she wants to talk with you every day?! WTH? Doesn’t she have friends who can help her with her grief? Oh, wait - she’s so toxic, she probably doesn’t have any friends…</p>
<p>(I know you said your sister pretty much raised you when you were young - but she’s no longer that person, and it seems like it’s time to cut her loose. I agree w/ EPTR that it can be a mourning process to realize that this relationship is a very unhealthy one at this point. But life is too short to deal with the drama and pain that such toxic people bring. Gather the family and friends around you whom you enjoy and with whom you give and <em>receive</em> joy and comfort.)</p>
<p>^^^ What they said. She is toxic and you need to stop making excuses for her if you want to have a handle on this relationship. She clearly cares more about herself than you or anyone around her. If you’re ok with that kind of one-sided relationship, then it’s all good. But my guess is you want more and IMO if it hasn’t happened by now, it’s never going to. I don’t understand how you want her in your life when you admit that she will go out of her way to hurt you.</p>
<p>Can anyone put out a warning to the fiance? - “Danger, Will Robinson. DANGER!”</p>
<p>If he is wealthy and wants to dote on her, its a match made in heaven. Then she’ll be away from the sister (mom) too, and ZM can get a better feel if she really has a residual relationship with sister that she wants. Win/win IMO.</p>
<p>JYM nails it again! It’s tough to know what motivates different people. If fiance has made his free choice, hope it works well for everyone concerned! People sometimes have VERY different personalities in different situations, with different people–maybe fiance is a good influence on her? We can only hope for both their sakes!</p>
<p>^ This is true. People show very different sides of themselves to different people; work, home, social, church, etc. If the fiance brings out a better side of the niece then it’s a wonderful match (I’ll hope along with HImom!). Over a long relationship, say a marriage, there will be ups and downs, they will not always agree, money will not always flow as freely for the items the niece wants, there may be financial difficulties or health crisis. These will be the real test. I hope for the groom’s sake he does not find himself in the position of being physically disabled in any way. We already know that his bride-to-be or his mother-in-law will think him a burden and an embarrassment (we really don’t know who to attribute the rude treatment of grandma…the sister is pinning it on the niece but I’m not so sure about this, either way she was more than willing to go along with it).</p>
<p>I wouldn’t assume that niece is marrying a guy who “brings out the best in her” or that he needs to be warned. It’s equally likely that she’s found her equal, and they gain intimacy by cutting down everyone else.</p>
<p>^^^
If that’s true, I can’t imagine the offspring of THAT union!</p>
<p>^You think she’ll let him touch her, EPTR? Hmmm…</p>
<p>Wedding – Okay, if you want to go and can be a help to your mother. </p>
<p>Reception – No. </p>
<p>Shower – I wouldn’t go. But I – being evilly inclined – would ‘misunderstand’ and send a baby gift. Let the other folks wonder…</p>
<p>God in heaven, what an emotional minefield! Zooser, you have my deepest sympathies. You’ve received some wonderful advice here, and I don’t see how anything I could say would improve upon it. I just want to send you a cyber-hug, along with my confidence that you will ultimately make the best decision for yourself concerning attendance at this wedding. Your niece (and unfortunately, your sister) sounds deeply disturbed. </p>
<p>I do, however, predict that the groom (who has no idea what he’ll soon be up against once niece drops her “polished” facade, and shows who she really is) will wise up sooner rather than later and look to rid himself of her like a bad case of jock itch. Hopefully, this will happen before there are children in the mix.</p>
<p>So zoosermom. . .have you reached a decision yet?</p>
<p>zmom…</p>
<p>Life is too short. Don’t go to the wedding, you will be the only one who gets hurt because obviously the niece has no feelings.</p>
<p>I would add to any card you send/give… “may you get the children you deserve…”</p>
<p>:)</p>
<p>I think blueiguana and jym are on target. I think you say that you can’t attend. After the wedding, you arrange for a get together with your sister that is explicitly aimed at talking about whether and how to have a future relationship. That relationship has been damaged by the incidents of the past, and especially by your sister’s failure to tell her daughter to behave like a mensch when she was behaving inappropriately. Without some acknowledgement that your sister owns part of the problem, it is going to be hard to have a relationship that you’d value.</p>
<p>I have a friend with whom I’ve had a personal and professional relationship. He met his wife at my wedding. She was somehow threatened by the closeness of our relationship and for years would behave irrationally whenever he tried to do something professional with me. For a number of years, I blamed her for trying to damage our relationship – although her behavior is nearly completely normal (after years of therapy and an objectively fantastic life), we rarely socialize with them years later. But, I came to understand that the person to hold accountable was my friend, since he refused to tell her that her behavior was unacceptable. If he wanted to curtail our personal relationship, that was his call, not hers. Unless he wanted to stand up for our friendship, then at one level, he didn’t value it that much (and certainly as much as I wished he did). I discussed that with him that and whenever incidents arose, I let him know each time that he was accountable for his choices, and not her. They now invite us to things (always in group settings) and we less frequently do the same, but things feel a lot better. I also set my expectations lower than I would have. Having had the clear conversations about this, I think we reset our relationship at a level that works better and I’m not bitter or angry.</p>
<p>If you want to have that kind of discussion with your sister, go ahead. If not, you are probably better off just writing off the relationship.</p>