Should I go to THIS wedding?

Parent Cafe
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<p>At every wedding I’ve ever attended, a surviving grandparent was a guest of honor (and would get a special corsage/boutonniere and be mentioned by the celebrant – not to mention would be included in family pictures). And, of course, there were family members ready and willing to help the grandparent with whatever assistance might be necessary, including providing a hotel room for resting between the ceremony and reception if there is a long stretch of time between the two. </p>

<p>I missed that your sister bought the mixer, ZM. And asking you to come up with reasons why your mom can’t attend the shower?!? She is no hapless bystander in this mess. Her actions are just as hurtful as your niece’s, IMHO.</p>

<p>If your mom really wants to attend the wedding, I’d accompany her so your mom can get some joy from seeing the ceremony. Otherwise, I’d send my regrets.</p>

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<p>I’ve heard of covering the plate, but we don’t follow it. We prefer to get a gift whenever possible.</p>

<p>We <em>still</em> have some of our original wedding gifts. We were pretty young and our friends were all just out of (or still in) college. A number of them combined resources to get some kitchen items – and they are still in use today. We also bunked and fed a bunch of them at our apartment a couple of days before and after the ceremony because they couldn’t afford hotel rooms. It was a rollicking good time. They had to throw us out the night of the wedding because we wanted to stay and have fun with them. (We snuck back the next am and made breakfast.)</p>

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<p>So here’s the update: I did speak with my sister and explained my concerns. I told her that if there wasn’t some sort of rapproachment, then I didn’t see how we could come to the wedding. She was upset but, out of character, she didn’t fly off the handle. Later that night her son (who is a wonderful young man, married, has the job of his dreams), emailed me and said “you’re my aunt, I love you and miss you. How can we fix this?” I told him exactly what I thought and set out my concerns and explained what I would need to move forward. he thought about it for a day and then said that he would like to get me together with his sister and that he had told her that she is responsible for her immature and hurtful behavior and owes some serious apologies. He believes that underneath it all she would like to make peace and move forward. I told him I am open to seeing her and would give a respectful listen to what she has to say, but I’m not willing to promise more than that. I did tell my sister exactly what I thought about their treatment of my mother (in very firm tones) and she said that she understands that what I said is true and she is going to speak to her daughter AND (this is shocking) to my brother and mother to come up with a plan that is respectful to everyone. So I don’t know where it will all go or what I will ultimately do about the wedding, but I did say my piece to my sister and her son (he really is not a party to their behavior) and will see what they do no before I make my decision.</p>

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<p>Your sister drives me nuts. When you’re firm with her, she drags her ds into this! He has nothing to do with this situation. This in no longer traingulation – it’s hexagonulation. She’s not getting what she needs from you so let’s drag her son and your brother into this. :rolleyes:</p>

<p>ETA: I am glad you are being firmer with your sister.</p>

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<p>Zmom, I have come late here, and I admit that I have not read this thread fully, but I want to say that I am sorry that you have these problems. Even if everyone in the entire world said that your niece had acted terribly, it would not improve your situation. I have known a few people who over many years accepted behavior from their close (close by blood not emotionally) relatives because they wanted to maintain the relationship. I think you have to be very strong to just let your relatives act out however they may, and not let it get to you. If you can not do it, and it gets to be too much, emotionally, then don’t do it - don’t hurt yourself.</p>

<p>The problem that I see about not letting them treat you badly, is not getting upset when they trash talk you behind your back (which they most likely will). You have no control over this, any more than you could control their bad behavior, so let yourself off the hook on this too. </p>

<p>Without going into ALL that I think about the behavior that you have described, I do want to say that anyone who directly or indirectly tells her own infirm grandmother to stay away has some serious issues. If she is lucky enough to one day live to an old age, I hope she remembers her own behavior if her own children or grandchildren ignore her, warehouse her or whatever in her own infirmity. I don’t think too highly of the groom either if he is ok with this.</p>

<p>I cross posted with you Zmom. I hope that these folks really are willing to listen. Good luck.</p>

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<p>The behavior toward your mom reminds me of the wooden bowl story:</p>

<p>A grandfather lived with his son, daughter in law, and 4 years old grandson. His hand was already difficult to hold something, his eyesight was blurred, and his step was hobbled. One night, the family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating rather difficult. The food in the spoon fell to the floor, milk in glass was spilled. The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.</p>

<p>“We must do something about grandfather. I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor,” said the son…</p>

<p>So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner at the dinner table. Since grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. Sometimes when the family glanced in grandfather’s direction, he had a tear in his eye as he ate alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food. The four-year-old watched it all in silence.</p>

<p>One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.</p>

<p>He asked the child sweetly, “What are you making?”</p>

<p>Just as sweetly, the boy responded, “Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and mama to eat your food from when I grow up.” The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.</p>

<p>The words so struck the parents that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table.</p>

<p>For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled. Children are remarkably perceptive. Their eyes ever observe, their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb. If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives. The wise parent realizes that every day that building blocks are being laid for the child’s future.</p>

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<p>I think this update sounds positive. While I’m well-aware of the concept of triangulation to the nth degree, sometimes it is a very positive thing to bring in another family member who can mediate between various parties and who has the ear of the different parties. I think it’s fine that the sister talked to her son and that he has told his sister the truth about her actions. This sounds, under the circumstances, positive to me.</p>

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<p>It does sound like things may go in a positive direction, but please don’t get your hopes up too much, zm. I can see the whole thing blowing up in a dozen different ways.</p>

<p>The treatment of the grandmother is beyond belief. And there is no sugar-coating it.</p>

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<p>If nothing else, ZM, you should be very happy and relieved that you have expressed your thoughts and feelings rather than bottling them up. That in and of itself is therapeutic. Congrats on doing so and allowing things to turn out as they will. Your nephew sounds like a nice person and I hope you have a good relationship with him. It must be painful for him to know that his mom & sister are acting so cruelly. Wishing the best to you & your mom as things proceed.</p>

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<p>I agree! Good for you for letting her know that you have some boundaries!</p>

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<p>Thanks for all the good wishes and support. I really needed to talk it through a little bit before approaching my sister. I was so close to the situation that I was no longer sure if what I was perceiving was accurate or if I had developed tunnel vision. So thanks much and I’ll let you know what happens next.</p>

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<p>Zmom, I’ve been following this thread. Since we all (don’t we?) have dysfunction in our own families, I’ve been interested to see how your situation plays out.</p>

<p>I hope you are relatively stressfree–and is there an update?</p>

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<p>Sorry for the delay in updating. There have been some developments and it takes me a while to process things.</p>

<p>I was speaking to my sister one day and, thinking about what I had been told on this thread, I said that she should give my niece her blessing to not invite any of us to the wedding because we know how she feels and I would like her to have the day of her dreams. My sister didn’t say much, but that night I got an email from her son which started a conversation. He talked about his loyalty to his sister and how hard it would be for them without their dad. I told him I understood but that she had done something incredibly wrong and ugly and unless there was some rapproachment I couldn’t see myself attending the wedding. I did not back down, but I was polite. Ultimately, we decided to have a BBQ at my mom’s where would see each other for the first time in four years except for the funeral. It was beyond awkward, although I was very impressed by the friendly, smart, personable fiance. Just a stellar young man. My niece had her nose in the air and was the embodiment of condescension and scorn. My nephew seemed shell-shocked, and his wife apparently decided she was the arbiter of blame in the situation and was very cold and unpleasant. My mother, heaven help me, popped out with a remark in the middle of dinner that someone had to “be nice to” my husband “because he is the only son-in-law I have left.” My niece burst into tears and I almost fell on the floor. It was an absolute mess and I am more convinced than ever that my niece hates us, which she does. But my nephew and my sister did really try and they have had another death in her husband’s immediate family in the last two weeks, being the fifth in two years, so I have decided to go because it is my sister’s kid. My niece really does now know how much my mother has declined and how much work it is going to be for all of us to make sure that she attends safely and isn’t able to make a scene. I am soooo not looking forward to this, but I feel in my conscience it is the right thing to do. I didn’t go to the shower, but I send a gift of my own choosing and my D1, who was invited, refuses to attend and will not even consider sending a gift. At my mother’s BBQ, none of them spoke a word to that daughter, even though she was never a part of the conflict and is always the voice of reason. So there it stands.</p>

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<p>Goodness!</p>

<p>I liked the idea of a BBQ that, in theory, would have broken the ice. Did your brother go?</p>

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<p>The right thing for everyone else except you? It just sounds like a drama that will continue to cause you stress long after the wedding. I hope things work out for your sake.</p>

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<p>Remarkable how family members can be to each other, even when there is much potential for support. That said, how wise you are to be direct, realistic and pragmatic. One benefit I find in being older is knowing that I can’t fix everything, nor can one person create a good relationship for two. Some folks just aren’t capable of participating in a respectful, mutual exchange and it is truly their loss.</p>

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<p>

No, he lives far away and is in pretty poor health. </p>

<p>I hope (meanly) that he won’t come to the wedding because (a) they are much meaner to him than they are to me, and (b) if he comes my mother will insist on staying for the entire reception, which would be a disaster. She has no filter at all and disapproves of drinking, so I could see a major outburst. Ugh.</p>

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<p>One other side note: D1 has a boyfriend of three years and, while they aren’t thinking of getting engaged for a few years, my D has told me that she will not invite any member of that family to her wedding. It keeps being alluded to us that we need to go to this wedding because someday we will expect them to attend our kids’. They will absolutely not be invited to any of my kids’ weddings.</p>

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<p>I hadn’t checked into CC for quite a while until last week, and reading this thread reminds me of why I kept coming back here long after my kids had gotten into college. Some threads resonate so strongly with my own life, and people here are (mostly) so kind and supportive.</p>

<p>We recently went to my bil’s wedding, and as I looked around the almost full church I realized that only about 10 of the guests were “his.” His two grown kids, his parents, my h and me, a couple of old friends sitting at the back of the church, and a couple of co-workers. I started to feel sorry for him and then told myself not to. He wasn’t feeling sorry - he was happy and proud. This was exactly the wedding he wanted, and his life choices had shaped the guest list. I would say the same about your niece. Her life choices will make the attendance at her wedding what it is, and she will probably be too happy and busy to notice if her side of the aisle is a little lean.</p>

<p>I’ve also found that dread is a good indicator that my choice, while seemingly rational, isn’t a good one. If you find that you are dreading the event, don’t go through with it. It seems important to your sister and nephew that you put in an appearance, so I’d suggest revisiting the idea of going to the ceremony only. You can easily get out of the reception by saying that you are taking responsibility for your mother’s transportation and comfort, and her health won’t allow her to attend the reception. If your sister and nephew press you on this, go ahead and say what you’ve said here - that her age and infirmity has made it difficult to edit what she says and you don’t want to put her in a position where she might embarrass herself. Tell your mother that after the BBQ you realize that protracted social contact with that part of the family is just going to result in somebody bursting into tears, and that’s not a good thing at a wedding reception. You can also tell her that the reception will be long and there will be a lot of drinking, and you don’t think that she would enjoy it any more than you will.</p>

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<p>I haven’t read the whole thread, but I noted that the OP herself says the grandmother “has no filter at all” and disapproves of drinking, so OP is afraid there will be “a major outburst” at the wedding. If this is the case, I can somewhat understand the bride/niece’s concerns about the grandmother attending the shower and/or the wedding.</p>

<p>A while back, a CC member started a thread about her concerns about inviting in-laws who had always been blatently and loudly anti-Semitic to the wedding of the poster’s child to someone who is Jewish. I can’t imagine not inviting my in-laws to my child’s wedding – but I also can’t imagine having in-laws like that. If there is a good chance the grandmother will behave rudely to the bride and/or groom and their guests, I think you have an additional reason to insist you (and your mother) attend only the wedding and skip the reception, if you attend any part of the festivities at all.</p>

<p>I agree with MarinMom completely.</p>