<p>Good luck with whatever you ultimately do and WANT, ZM. It’s unfortunate that things have left you with so few good options regarding this niece. Sorry that the barbeque was unpleasant for you and it sounds like pretty much everyone in attendance. </p>
<p>Personally, I see no good reason for you or your mom to go, but you need to do what YOU can live and sleep with.</p>
<p>So. I’m confused. Who benefits if you go? It just seems like nobody really wants that to happen. If your sister feels strongly that you attend, well, after that debacle of a BBQ, she should understand why it’s a bad idea… No?</p>
<p>Just out of intellectual curiosity: Why did your niece burst into tears? </p>
<p>My other note: (yeah, I know, dysfunctional family 101) Why is it so horrible that a formerly (I assume) nice, now elderly person, says things that are off and/or outrageous? These are the stuff that family legends are made. My mil, upon meeting, son’s significant other (remember, “some of her best friends were Jewish” decided not to lead the conversation with Jews I have known and accepted. She turned to the kids and said, “Did you know I was a virgin when I met my husband?” Then she proceeded to tell my children all about it.</p>
<p>Son turned purple. Since mil is blind she couldn’t see the rest of us holding ourselves up.</p>
<p>Physical limits and the work involved aside…HiMom’s beautiful story tells it. </p>
<p>Oh, and of Course you want to invite them to your children’s weddings…after all people like that will give, said grandly,
FABULOUS presents. You want them there for the gifts…right?</p>
<p>Whatever4: I am the flipside to this. And now that we are on calendar for a family meet up, it was explained, quite well (not be us) that our family of five would represent the whole family. It may be a bit overwhelming for us, but ignored invitations or bad behavior isn’t worth it.</p>
<p>The niece cried, I believe, when grandma said 'Be nice to him, he’s the only son-in-law I have left." (in reference to the OPs DH). The niece was reminded that the other SIL was her father who died unexpectedly last year.</p>
<p>
Her dad died last year very unexpectedly and to be completely fair, he was a wonderful father and a wonderful man. It struck me through all this that he was the only member of that family I actually liked! My sister is much older, so he had been a part of my life from the time I was 8 years old and we were very close. He was a good man, may he rest in peace. </p>
<p>When my mother popped out with the comment, this is hard to articulate, it was both very flip and almost like “nanny nanny boo boo your father is dead.” My niece is a difficult woman, but she wasn’t wrong in this instance. My mother’s comment was insensitive and cruel.</p>
<p>
I guess my sister and my sleep! I am the guilt queen, so it would probably be worth it to me not to have to wallow in guilt.</p>
<p>The funny thing is that my sister doesn’t see the barbeque as a debacle. She thinks “look how good my son was about making peace” which he was. She thinks “look how friendly and fun my SIL-to-be is” which he was. But she conveniently didn’t see that no one spoke to my daughter and that her daughter acted like she smelled something bad all day.</p>
<p>I really have to say it’s pretty apparent that you are not going to get an apology from anyone. You say you want some sort of overture from your niece. I’m not saying I think this is unreasonable, however I don’t see this happening. The only one who seems to be losing sleep over this is you. You said yourself your sister sees the BBQ as a success. For better or worse she has chosen to see what she wants and ignore what she doesn’t. It gets her though the day.</p>
<p>I believe you have two choices:</p>
<p>A) Accept that your niece is the way she is, the same way you accept your mother is the ways she is and move on. I’m not saying it is the same degree but the release has to be the same.</p>
<p>B) Continue to harbor hurt feelings.</p>
<p>If you chose B I wouldn’t go to the wedding…for any reason. It is the bride’s day…period. Any negative emotion, hurt feelings, drama, etc., on that day that are unnecessary do not add anything and are really a selfish act in the long run.</p>
<p>Please don’t mistake this as judgement. There are things we can get over, and those we can’t. I have my own and would never expect someone else to understand what those limits are. There is a point at which it is unhealthy to stay in the grey area and I think you are there. You need to let go of this one way or the other. There is no reason to have toxic people in our lives, however toxic is only harmful if we let it be, kwim? If you can’t accept her and move on, walk away. </p>
<p>I sincerely wish you peace and happiness Zoos…I think you are a dear person in a difficult situation.</p>
<p>Thanks blueiguana! I do wish my niece all the happiness in the world. She is still my niece and in her I still see the little girl with such promise. Maybe time and marriage and motherhood will soften her edges. I hope so. I think it would really hurt my sister if I didn’t attend – and I know how hard the day will be without her husband, so I’m going to go and behave. It’s going to be exhausting because of my mom, but I think it’s the right thing to do. I don’t particularly think my niece will care if we are there, but maybe I’m wrong.</p>
<p>Actually, I don’t think that her edges will “soften” at all. Remember the competitive moms in nursery school/sports/cotillion/prep and college applications? I think that this is the beginning. </p>
<p>I will also say I believe that the wedding day is not the bride’s day. Sorry, I think the princess for a day is vomitorious. A wedding day is a celebration of TWO people uniting TWO (or more nowadays) families. </p>
<p>I asked my question as to why the niece burst out crying for a simple reason. Either she is so tightly wound that she was ready to explode…over anything. But perhaps she is still grieving and resents families that are still intact. Or she is still grieving…</p>
<p>Zoosermom you have to go with you heart. Whatever you decide I hope your mind and heart is at peace with the decision.</p>
<p>
She is still grieving, but it was a truly shocking, outrageous and cruel thing for my mother to say. We were sitting at the dinner table eating and then, boom! she howls this nonsense. I was shocked and horrified, and my mother is hard of hearing, so she is LOUD and has a way of talking that’s almost, but not quite, like baby talk, so it just gets right in your head.</p>
<p>
Thank you. I appreciate that very much.</p>
<p>“Take a few folks along with you who have a propensity to get drunk and make a fool of themselves.”</p>
<p>Reporting for duty, zoos! :D</p>
<p>YDS, can’t we just go out together and get stewed without hanging around with my relatives?</p>
<p>Sounds good to me!</p>
<p>I hope my flippant remarks aren’t taken wrong. Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying. (((hugs)))</p>
<p>I only read bits and pieces, but you have my sympathy. I can relate on a few levels. I am not condoning your niece’s actions, but for those who do not understand her bursting into tears (I know OP gets it), until you have lost a member of your immediate family, you have no idea what it is like. Her reaction was totally understandable and it will take much more than a year for her grief to dissipate. I really liked blueiguana’s advice. Good luck whatever you decide.</p>
<p>Zoosermom, it sounds like you’ve made your decision, so you have my best wishes for as painless an experience as possible, for everyone.</p>
<p>Zoosermom:</p>
<p>I can relate to what you are going through, it is analogous to a situation I am in with my birth family. Without going into long detail (wouldn’t put anyone through that) I faced choices like that with my family of origin. To put it into a nutshell, in my family’s world my dad and his family dominated, and it was the kind of thing where my dad, for whatever reasons, never really seperated properly from them, he never got over the idea that when you have your own family, dynamics change…and his family were the type to take advantage of that, big time, and the dynamics were we were expected, via our dad’s wishes, to jump when they rang, etc…and the dynamics went within the family, i was the first to get married, and basically my new family was supposed to ‘tow the line’ to the family or origin, etc…it was a mess, and basically for a number of reasons it was too toxic to maintain a relationship and keep my own family happy and okay…Took me a number of years with a wise therapist and a wiser pastoral counselor to figure things out.</p>
<p>Basically, what it boils down to I feel is what do you expect to get out of it? If going there somehow makes you feel better, rather then an obligation to your sister or whatever, then I would go if in your place, but if it doesn’t further anything, why go, especially when you know what the attitudes are? Why subject yourself to phony ‘moi moi kiss kiss’ and the knife in the back when you turn away? (I am asking this rhetorically, I mean no judgement by it, not at all…I am in no position to do anything about it). It sounds like nothing really has changed, your sister I would assume loves you, and wants you there, but it also sounds like the rest of the family are a bunch of obnoxious, narcissistic snobs who don’t even seem to understand basic human kindness. Without excusing what happened with your mom when she made the intemperate remark, it is sad that the daughter can feel the pain of a blow that may not even have been totally malicious, but feel no remorse at how she and the rest of her family view you, or even see her pain in the way you have been treated…and unfortunately, for whatever reasons, your sister felt powerless to stand up for her family, and perhaps she felt ashamed as well (my son once went to a private school with a lot of people like your in laws, that kind of attitude, as if they were kings of creation, and i remember one mom, talking about the house she grew up in, and making deragatory comments about her parents and such, saying 'Can you believe, the house had only 1 garage!"…meanwhile I met her mom, really neat lady ).</p>
<p>I also would be surprised if much changes going to the wedding, with the niece or anyone else, it doesn’t sound like this is an attempt at reconciliation. The wise pastoral counsellor/friend said something about reconciliation, it can only happen if the parties to it agree to a new relationship, not the old one restarted., because the imbalances and abuses will just be there again that caused problems in the first place. From the description you give, this still sounds like the same old same old, not a real attempt at raproachment (and I truly hope I am wrong). There have been attempts over the years, it is probably getting close to 10 years now, to come together with my own birth family, and the problem is when I want to make it a clean slate and start a new relationship, they basically are demanding I go back to the way it was, which there is no way I could (on top of everything else, my old therapist would probably know it happened, and then I would really be in trouble, ya don’t mess with her <em>lol</em>). </p>
<p>I wish you well, and for what it’s worth, know you aren’t alone with this kind of issue. I really hope that going makes for a new start, at least with your sister, and that you come out of it, if not feeling better, at least feeling like you acted like a human being in the face of a gang of hyenas (apologies to hyenas)</p>
<p>Zoosermom, I totally get it about your mom. Early in my marriage my h’s grandfather married a woman who could bring me close to tears with her comments, which I don’t think she meant to be hurtful. She just blurted things out without prior mental review. My mil does something similar now. She calls it being honest, but I think it’s a lack of frontal lobe control. Maybe it just gets harder to edit before speaking as one gets older and the brain’s executive function isn’t quite what it used to be. Your mom’s emphysema may be contributing to the problem, as her brain may not be getting as much oxygen as it needs to function optimally.</p>
<p>If your mom says something awful, keep telling yourself that it has NOTHING to do with you and you have nothing to be ashamed of. People who aren’t intimately connected with an elderly person are generally pretty tolerant. If you’re really worried about it, share your concerns with your sister. If you give her fair warning and she still wants your mom to stay for the whole reception, then any outburst is her problem to deal with.</p>
<p>So did your niece ever apologize? Or did the BBQ become a let’s move on from here kind of thing? I guess I disagree in principle with many of the posters on this thread. Choosing to cut off all ties with a sister’s family ( which for many would be the result of said non-attendance at a wedding reception) is not a decision to be taken lightly, IMO. To me, the bar not to attend a sister’s D’s wedding should be set quite high as opposed to what you’d tolerate otherwise, outrageous as some of your niece’s behavior may have been in the past. I admit it’s a little hard to judge fully not knowing what the niece said and did all those years ago.</p>
<p>But I fully support your decision - attending because your sister wants you there is good enough reason. There will be enough other people there that day to provide a buffer for your unpredictable and challenging mom and to relieve you from all but minimal interaction with your niece. And I have a feeling that your mom will <em>mostly</em> rise to the occasion. If she doesn’t, she is elderly and sick and hopefully will be given a pass. Anyway, I think you are doing the right thing by not burning bridges.</p>
<p>
No apology and you hit the nail on the head. </p>
<p>So here’s the latest: the invitations came in the mail today. They invited one adult daughter and not the other, and the one they invited was not invited with a guest, despite having a boyfriend of three years. I am starting to feel my blood pressure rise. How do you invite one adult sibling and not the other? The uninvited is the one they messed with to create this whole situation and they hate her because she is one of the few people who won’t allow herself to be abused by the niece. They knew she wouldn’t come because she’s away at school, but they couldn’t extend an invitation in the name of peace?</p>
<p>
Apparently you have a crystal ball there.</p>
<p>Can you RSVP that 4 (or 5) will be attending and see what happens? Maybe out-tackying them is a good strategy :)</p>
<p>Was dd2, the uninvited one, at the BBQ?</p>