<p>zoosermom, I hope you don’t go. There really is no point, and the whole situation just keeps getting worse every time you see these people. It’s like they want to tell you not to come, but for some reason (saving face?) can’t say the words, so they are trying to get you mad enough that you will be the one to decide not to go.</p>
<p>On second thought, you should go, so they don’t get what they want.</p>
<p>Just curious as to why your brother can’t take your mom, if she already lives with him? And you can bow out.</p>
<p>I’d be so tempted to do what your brother says he will (i.e. put the parking tickets in the envelope.) But I wouldn’t in the end. Here’s why: your sister & niece are sending all kinds of signals that the maternal side of the family is not wanted at the wedding. Who knows what kinds of stories they’re telling about you. They’re being ticky tacky and counting up all kinds of things based on their perception of reality: Oh Uncle ZM isn’t dating anyone serious right now so why should we waste a plate on someone we’ll never see again? Oh, Uncle ZM has big cash so he should give us $1000. Oh, I don’t like Cousin ZM2 so I won’t invite her; she’ll pay for having Grandma like her better! </p>
<p>Being spiteful with the gift is just going to play into this martyr mindset that your niece & sister have. “How could you be so hurtful on my D’s day? It’s supposed to be the happiest day of her life and you ruined it!” Thereby validating any lousy stories they’ve told in the past. I’ve seen this movie before & I know how it plays out.</p>
<p>I think you have 2 choices: First: revisit why you’re going to the wedding at all. If it’s because of your mom, so be it. I’d suggest again just the church & not the reception. Give a decent gift (enough so she wouldn’t have any right to throw you under the bus) be gracious at the ceremony, wish them well in the receiving line, then take your mom out to a nice dinner. And end it there. Second: just tell your sister that she and her D are completely out of line, that their rudeness to your D, your mom and your brother are simply unacceptable and that you cannot in good conscious attend the wedding, first because you will not allow yourself to be treated that way and second, because you’d hate to pollute the bride’s special day with your presence which is obviously troubling to her.</p>
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He is taking my mom, but someone has to take her to the bathroom, which would be me. He is the godfather of the bride and I can’t believe they didn’t afford him the courtesy of inviting him with a guest.</p>
<p>Thanks for clarifying. I was under the assumption that, if you weren’t going, then your mom wouldn’t be going, and I guess I am correct! I’m surprised the niece hasn’t suggested your mom just wear a diaper and ditch you.</p>
<p>Just curious, as godfather, will your brother walk the bride down the aisle? Or maybe your sister will do that? Perhaps the bride’s brother?</p>
<p>Is your brother/the bride’s godfather in a relationship with someone? If not, I can understand why they didn’t include “and guest” on the invitation. And as much as you are dreading this wedding, I can’t imagine your DD2 wanting to attend, even if she was invited. And finally, I hope your brother told his sister exactly how unbelieveably tacky and rude she was in telling him how much he had to give her daughter as a wedding gift.</p>
<p>If anything, this all should make it a lot easier for you to decide whether you want to attend this wedding.</p>
<p>At this point I’d be tempted to send a check and spare yourself any more hurt. Guilt is for the birds. Go because you truly WANT to be there, not because you think you HAVE to…for whatever reasons.</p>
<p>You take great pains to consider the feelings of your sister, niece, mother, etc. etc…well YOU are worth considering and protecting more than any of these people who enjoy pushing your buttons!! You have to be your own best friend sometimes Zoos, and now seems the perfect time.</p>
<p>Sorry you are hurting, but better days are ahead. Maybe this spectacle they’re calling a wedding is just the thing you need to clarify the bigger picture. Stay focused on your great family and surround yourself with people who truly care. You are a wonderful person worthy of every happiness. Lots of hugs Zoos.</p>
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Her brother will be walking her.</p>
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He sees someone, but it’s not particularly serious. I just think that as an adult, he should have been invited with a companion of some sort. Just because he is divorced doesn’t mean he is some loser who couldn’t get a date or that he should be treated the same way as the 21-year old cousins. There should be some sort of respect paid to a grown man who happens to be her godfather. I think she just snarked herself out of a very generous gift. My brother has no kids of his own and is very well off. He gave each of my kids $3000 as a high school graduation gift to make sure they had everything they needed to get off to college. Had my niece honored him, there could easily have been a five figure gift, and my brother is good for his word and if he says he is giving a small gift and parking receipts, I would take it to the bank.</p>
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Thank you so much. Really.</p>
<p>again, you are not alone in deciding whether or not to attend a family wedding that would make a root canal a peaceful day. Another chatboard I monitor has an on-going saga of a cousin who is broke, but planning her second wedding where the registry is for their Caribbean destination wedding where you can provide the couple with $150+ events. As the wedding gets closer, it keeps deteriorating to cash bar, ipod (no dj/band), no flowers & no photographer. </p>
<p>Have you talked to your mom about the timing and what her preferences are?</p>
<p>I also believe in karma…maybe the tri-state region will experience another Hurricane Gloria (Sept 1985) on her wedding day. </p>
<p>The only point I would agree with is inviting people and allowing them to bring random guests to a wedding. That’s an awkward event for a date. Long ago, my maid-of-honor was initially annoyed with me that her invite did not say “& guest”. She calmed down when I pointed out to her that she would be at the head table and her “guest” would be sitting randomly with people he would not know.</p>
<p>Just a thought: If all you are “needed” for during the wedding is to be a bathroom escort for your mother…why don’t you hire an aide for the day? There are agencies, assisted living facilities etc. that have people who would LOVE to make extra money by caring for your mother.</p>
<p>This would ease the burden on your brother. You wouldn’t have to go, but your mother could go. And the cost of the aide would be your gift to the young couple.</p>
<p>ZM, I honestly cannot see anything good from attending this wedding, for either you or your mom. We have encouraged you NOT to attend, since the invitations are just the tip of the iceberg.</p>
<p>It’s much easier for those of us removed from the situation to see it for the toxic dynamic it has become. Please, please, please do yourself and your mom a favor by strongly considering having alternate plans and NOT attending this event that will make your blood pressure sky rocket. There is no “name of peace” in their minds and they do not view the world or much else in the same light that you and most others do.</p>
<p>Do what YOU WANT TO and what you will best sleep at nights having done. For me, it’s no contest that I would NOT attend such an event, under any circumstances, but it’s YOU that needs to figure out what works for YOU. Good luck!</p>
<p>Weddings have so many emotion fraught back stories.</p>
<p>My niece, who has 2 kids out of wedlock, is marrying the formerly married father of her kids. Okay, everyone is happy they are going to make a family and raise the boys right. But, everyone is aghast that she is having a ‘real’ wedding with a four figure white dress, etc. </p>
<p>My mother lives 1500 miles away from her (and near me) and has been kind and supportive. We discussed coming to visit them for Thanksgiving this year, but in looking at my kids school schedules, the fares are too pricey so we told them specifically we would NOT be down for that.</p>
<p>They just set the date for the Saturday of Thanksgiving and my mother really wants to go which means I need to go. So, I either skip Thanksgiving with my kids entirely (I am not paying those fares for the kids to come down) or I leave for the weekend wedding.</p>
<p>I know it is not all about me or even a little bit about me, but wow, after a conversation that we could not come down for that holiday to set that date is a bit in your face! They picked that date because it was the only one available at their venue of choice, which usually books up more than a year in advance. Of course it was the only date, no one picks that date to get married.</p>
<p>It is really not all that big a deal, once I get done grousing about it, but the limitations that caused choosing that date would not have been an issue had she chosen a small tasteful family gathering not a big white spun sugar dream hoopla.</p>
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I never thought of that! It’s a very good idea. My niece (my brother’s daughter) thinks we should tell my sister that she has to make arrangements for my mother as she is the hostess.</p>
<p>My mother just came home from physical therapy and flipped her lid. She is so angry and upset. Oy.</p>
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That really stinks! Does it seem like people don’t consider the convenience or needs of guests anymore? It’s like we’re all extras is someone’s wedding production.</p>
<p>Why should your sister have to make arrangements for your mother simply because she is the hostess? Is this arrange as in pay for? This is ludicrous. Certainly it is nice if a hostess tries to think of people with special needs when planning a wedding, but expecting your sister to hire and pay for an assistant at the wedding is really isn’t reasonable. If you or your brother decide it would make the day easier for your mother and your mother more comfortable then then that’s something either of you can take on.</p>
<p>I also thought about sending an aide with mom. The punch with that is she will make her look special and could take some attention away from the niece. </p>
<p>My MIL has daytime nursing care and we have started having one of the aides accompany her to events where she will need help with bathroom and other logistical nightmares such as buffet lines. It has taken a huge burden off the family and we know she’s in good, caring hands.</p>
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Because she is my mother’s child just as much as my brother and I are. I don’t actually agree that she should because she is busy being the mother of the bride, but I do think she should speak to my brother and me and that we all come up with some sort of plan. I don’t think she gets to sit out of the decision-making process when she is the only one who is familiar with the logistics of the venues and the details of the day.</p>
<p>No, most people don’t consider anyone else…in matters of the wedding or social interaction. That’s where you get the “It’s MY day!” or “I’m a princess for a day!” crap. Done…really. </p>
<p>Had a brief discussion with my son’s s/o about weddings. Her parents are in the event planning business. Even with the contacts…she wants something small, appropriate and no stress. SHE would prefer that certain people not be invited because she is much more religious than we and doesn’t want a mockery made of Jewish tradition.</p>
<p>As for the ring? She brought it up…not me. I told my son previously that I had three diamonds tw about two carats. She mentioned that she LOVED the idea that my son would only have to buy the setting. And if the stones were smaller…she had not problem there either.</p>
<p>It’s a match!</p>