<p>That sounds like a lovely young lady, ellebud! How refreshing and sane.</p>
<p>Zmom, I think you hit the nail on the head. That’s exactly what your family is - extras in the production. I don’t think your sister and niece are being malicious as much as they are being insensitive prima donnas with the EQ’s of snails. They’re trying to cut down on expenses, so they justify to themselves each reduction of the guest list. DD2 is so far away - she won’t come anyway, so why send her an invite? Brother isn’t dating anyone seriously and he’ll be so busy with Grandma… or maybe they want to fix him up with someone from the groom’s side (or perhaps just squire that someone around). They’re so self-absorbed that they can’t see how tacky and hurtful they’re being.</p>
<p>Does your mom still want to go to the wedding? If not, bag it.</p>
<p>If she does, call Momzilla and tell her that her mother wants to see her granddaughter wed, but as things stand there’s no way that she can manage both the ceremony and the reception. Ask her how she would like to handle this. Let her suggest solutions and take your cues from what she comes up with.</p>
<p>See, my take is that the bride and groom are not going to be able to come up with a date, time and place that works for everyone, so they pick what’s going to work for them and the few people they absolutely want to have at the wedding. And budget and space constraints, as well as the bridal couple’s preferences, mean they cannot invite everyone they know and are related to to the wedding. Most people do not and cannot have an unlimited guest list.</p>
<p>As for those of us who get invitations: If the logistics of the event work for us, we accept the invitation and attend; if the logistics aren’t going to work, we decline the invitation and do not attend. An invitation is just that; it is not a requirement or a command for attendance. Sounds to me like there are some logistical issues related to this wedding (your strained relationship with the bride, your mother’s health and mobility limitations) that would lead you to politely send your regrets and skip this wedding.</p>
<p>Just listening to all the craziness and negative affect that is palpable here, I no longer understand why you would attend this thing. You are going to be miserable if you go, and misreable if you don’t. If you go, you’ll not be able to relax and enjoy. Every comment, every glance, every forced smile will irritate the snot out of you. Sorry for being blunt, but your job is not to wipe your mom’s butt or be her caregiver. I agree with the others above. If your sis wants her mother there, she should make arrangements for that to work. Here’s a thought- if your d2 wants to go and is willing to take this on, let her and her bf go in your/dh’s place and let her help your mom. Tell sis this is the only viable option as you will be unable to attend, and if it doesn’t work for her (sis) she can make alternative arrangements. Good grief- sis and niece need a roal kick in the keister. I’ll bet many cc’ers will line up to volunteer.</p>
<p>Go back and reread my post #370. If I recall correctly there is a nephew in the picture that you get along with and care for, correct? Is he already married? Will there be events in his future that you’d like to attend but may put him in the awkward position of choosing between you (his aunt) and his mom & sister if you close the door by not going to the nieces wedding? </p>
<p>You have to walk the line between being a doormat & fueling the martyr fire. I think this all still boils down to: does your mom really want to go? You know, my mom has a way of making all family events about her, especially at church events. Makes me crazy. But I still invite her, smile & nod because it’s important to her. But it does take away from the day. So in some respects I can understand where this mindset of your niece is coming from, especially since your mom has stirred things up in the past with her (even if it was unintentionally with the comment about the SIL.) I do not for one minute agree with the nieces behavior through. Your sis & niece are being incredibly passive aggressive with the messages their sending about your attendance at the wedding. </p>
<p>This whole “it’s MY day” attitude about weddings winds my clock. I’ve said for 18 years that “we’re not raising princesses!” I watch Say Yes to the Dress and I am appalled by how some of the brides manipulate their mom’s emotions when it comes to the cost of a dress and I am shocked by some brides mandates for their bridesmaids both in terms of rules and costs. I see in some areas huge Sweet 16 parties that are elaborate, and new cars that are way more than any 16 year old could ever possibly need. We are setting these girls up to behave like this. Building expectations beyond what the day signifies. Which then leads to Bridezilla like behaviors because the day “has to be perfect. It’s MY day!” We had a family member who freaked out a few years ago pre-wedding when she found out that an uncle would be bringing a service dog with him (he had some type of degenerative muscle disease.) I was present for the whole melt down of “I don’t want any animals at my wedding! It will ruin it!” The Princess Bride’s mom finally snapped after many months of dealing with the increasing Type A anxiety and demands and told her she was being ridiculous and that the dog would be there. But watching it spiral into action, I can see how it happens.</p>
<p>Rob…while here on the left coast we do love our cars (actually I don’t really care) my girls have already been given notice that this garbage isn’t happening. And it won’t. Because there is no such thing a perfection. If your wedding day is THE highlight of your life…well, you’re pathetic. </p>
<p>But again, my girls “know” where they want to get married (acceptable), who they don’t want at their wedding…acceptable, and what their mommy (me) who loves designer clothes (on sale) will budget for a dress…well…after some fiasco weddings that we have attended…we’re done!!!</p>
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<p>What part is she upset about Zoos? DD2’s lack of invite? The time between the church & reception? The part about her son not having a guest invite? </p>
<p>I really think that you need to talk to your mom in a calm way & see if she does want to go. Talk to her about the logistics of attending both ceremony and reception & see if she’d be happy just going to one or the other. If you choose not to go, then the deed is done. The relationship between your mom, your sister & your niece will be fractured. As well as yours. Your mom isn’t in fantastic shape and the reality of cutting off relationships with her flesh & blood when her circle is already naturally getting smaller may be quite distressing to her. And I understand that. </p>
<p>You may have to suck it up for your mom and that’s OK. You need to make the decision and gird your loins. It’s only 1 day but the repercussions of what you do may last a long time.</p>
<p>Zmom, your post 386. Talk to your sister. It’s her mother, her brother, her sister, her event. Let the slights to your brother and DD2 go. DD2 wouldn’t attend anyway, so no real harm done there, and your brother can take care of himself. Focus on your mother. Your sister and niece created this situation, they should be involved in its resolution. Don’t make the logistical decisions without at least giving them an opportunity to be part of the solution. This is assuming that your mother still wants to go…</p>
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This makes perfect sense. My point was the suggestion that your sister make arrangements (which to me smacked of her paying since that seems to be a central theme here) wasn’t reasonable any more then you feel it’s fair for her to ‘skip-out’ on this. From where I sit, she has a lot going on and if it were my family and it was decided that it would help mom be more comfortable I’d just take care of it, asking the hostess logistical questions if necessary…but that assumes normal family relationships.</p>
<p>IF, and only if your mom wants to go, talk to your sister about the best way to help your mother navigate the day. The more convoluted this gets the more it feeds into their feeling that your mother is being a bother. It’s an unfair thought, but that’s what’s going to happen.</p>
<p>I so agree with Marin! In fact, somewhere back in the 200s, I think, I posted that there is too much triangulation going on here. You and your sister need to figure this out – no nieces, nephews, brothers, etc.</p>
<p>Family members love to line up allies. I am less-than-popular/really popular in certain segments of my family because I can always be counted on to tell the truth. My brother’s wife was upset with my brother because he wrecked the car one night when he “fell asleep” while driving home. That might have been true, but he’d been drinking in a bar as well. She called to enlist my help, to lie about my feelings, in order to change his behavior. I told her I wouldn’t, that if/when he called me about the situation I would tell him exactly what I think. He did, and I did, and the results have been better than any idiotic story she was concocting. My dh’s godson was marrying a wonderful girl – a family friend for 10 years! – but his sisters and mom were all in a tizzy because she couldn’t decide whether she wanted kids. They were outraged and thought I’d be outraged, too, (because I adore babies!) but I told them that godson is a big boy, and if this bothered HIM he wouldn’t marry her and if he married her knowing this and he strongly wants kids, then that’s his fault. They were miffed I wasn’t on “their” side. Hmm, did I mention the couple now has two sons?</p>
<p>I know all these real/perceived slights/misbehaviors are difficult to bear. The bottom line is you’re either going to go or not. Stop the hand-wringing and hard feelings and recriminations and either attend or don’t. Why keep torturing everyone involved, including yourself, by allowing the hurt to continue? Either go to the wedding detached from these toxic feelings or decide that too much water is under that bridge and decline.</p>
<p>Also curious what you mom is upset about …</p>
<p>I can totally relate. I have a SIL that is completely irrational. No matter what anyone says or does, she totally twists it around in her mind to be highly offensive. She comes from a terrible upbringing and is estranged from her siblings and all of her friends from her younger days, so I can take some comfort in knowing it is her, not us. I feel bad for her, my poor brother, and their kids. But, I also get angry that she has effectively excluded my wonderful mom and my family (their kids are the only cousins we have) from a meaningful relationship with my brother. So, what to do? I vote for going with a smile on your face. Do it to take the high road and as a gift to your mom. Do it to model forgiveness and graciousness. I don’t think your niece will change and your sister does not have the spine to put an end her behavior. All you can control is how you act. I think you and your mother will regret missing it (and think of how fun it will be to share the details here later) if you don’t go. You cannot win with these people. I fear if you don’t go, they will enjoy using that fact as fodder against you. Perhaps, down the road, you will get a deserved apology. Bring an aide for your mom and dance with your dateless brother. Perhaps there will be those there thinking “what has (insert niece’s name here) been complaining about? Zoos is just a lovely woman!” Hugs to you.</p>
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That my brother isn’t allowed to bring someone whose company he can enjoy. Since it will only be the four of us from our family, we will be sitting with people we don’t know and I have my husband, so it would have been really nice for my niece to extend to him that courtesy so he could have a good time, too. It’s not like he wouldn’t cover two plates. I emailed and asked sister about bringing someone to help with mom and she said no because the meal is too expensive and she would feel weird about someone being there not eating. She did say that she will have a hotel room that my mother could spend the afternoon in while sister is in and out getting dressed and so forth. That seems sort of nice. Oh, and mom is also upset about D2 being the only cousin over eighteen on either side not invited. My mother feels that that is unnecessarily mean. Which it is.</p>
<p>Zmom first off, (((hugs))). This situation is a nightmere. One I can well appreciate, but still a nightmere. Don’t make any decisions today, or even tomorrow. The day or two before the rsvp’s are mailed is when you have to decide. Who knows what may happen between now and then?</p>
<p>I understand your situation, we were caregivers for my mom in her final years…Dad couldn’t manage something like a wedding without one of us. Most people were quite gracious, went out of the way to include her (I’ll never forget those kind and gracious people). Some were pills. If it were me, I’d paint on a smile, go to assist my mother and accompany my brother, come home and forget about it (if possible). Oh, and if you decide to go to the reception, take whoever in your family is willing to go…you can switch off dancing with DH and Brother and your mom won’t be “alone”. If they have schedule conficts for early in the day, have them meet you at the reception, if distance allows. So what it it’s her wedding, you are having a nice party for your family, including mom and brother. That thinking got me through a few events.</p>
<p>I wish you peace in whatever you decide to do.</p>
<p>Seems to me you want to do the “right” thing. And that the usual right thing comes with an enormous cost. And, only a vague sense that “maybe, someday, maybe” this could lead to a rapprochement with Sis. You are over a barrel. They’ve got you several ways: clear dislike for D2, a good-guy bf they willingly criticize, your mom’s desire to attend and her need for help from you, desire to have the nephew relationship, etc. Add to that, you said mom has a “filter” problem. And whatever else is going on. </p>
<p>Darned if you do and darned if you don’t. Most costs (emotional, stress, responsibility to mom) borne by you. Guilt feeling on your part, if you don’t go.</p>
<p>I respect your attempt to make this a square decision. I admire you for trying to put all the pieces back together. This needs to be said and I don’t mean it harshly, just for consideration.</p>
<p>In pop psych, there’s the notion that one’s attempts to “do right” (bbq, willingness to help mom, desire to repair sister relationship, desire for rel with nephew, etc) enables your sister and neice to continue on, slash and burn, mindless of the challenges they create for others, the pain they inflict and the damage they cause. In that respect, pop psych might say: *why *are you ceding to her the right and the power to diss you in many ways? Sometimes, it’s not enough to say, “because I want to do the right thing”-- especially when that’s the very thing that allows the cycle to continue. Especially when it jeopardizes your own peace of mind.</p>
<p>Sometimes, the right thing- for you and D2, the bf relationship and more- is to say, “No Mas.” No more. Set your limits and expectations and stick to them. No critiques, no ugly stares, not being forced into a corner, no omitting a family member or guest for reasons that perpetuate the pain cycle. </p>
<p>Of course you will feel guilty. Because doing right often means to us to sacrifice ourselves for the greater hope that things will turn around. But, sometimes, you have to coldly assess. How many attempts? How much good will?</p>
<p>Is there another female family member or friend who could help mom to the bathroom? Can you invite nephew to dinner or meet him on his own turf, to build a relationship? You have the power. Sometimes, it helps to change the details, to understand: if you broke your ankle, you wouldn’t be there to help mom, no matter how much she wants to go.
I apologize if any of this offends you.</p>
<p>ps. I’m wondering if the example you can set for your daughters trumps the band aid effect this might have with your sister. Good luck. I know it’s hard. I had enormous challenges with a family member.</p>
<p>Zoos, I am sorry for all of your turmoil. I missed this thread in June because my own brother was getting married. And thank God it all went very well.</p>
<p>I do think you should be happy that you held that BBQ. That way, the prospective groom got to see that you are normal, gracious people. Perhaps, in contrast, he’ll begin to see that his prospective bride is a snotty monster and will call the whole thing off! I sure hope these two NEVER have children - what an awful mom your niece will probably make!</p>
<p>If Mom really, really wants to attend the actual ceremony, and can comfortably do so, then take her. Then in deference to her health, you all skip the reception. That sort of approach to accomodate the elderly is not unheard of in our lowly circles and would not be scorned by understanding people.</p>
<p>Or take Mom home, then attend to find out how it all goes down… but only if you’d find that entertaining. Have a drink there to celebrate the fact that you’ll never see this niece again. Otherwise, accept the fact that these people are undeserving of your time and attention. (And I would give a very modest gift, perhaps even something hand made).</p>
<p>Of course, if Mom really, really wants to go to the reception, then take her, but sit on the edge of your chair and bug out when she’s had it.</p>
<p>You know, this whole subject is very sad. When I was young, I felt it was a privelege to be invited to attend a bridal shower, wedding, etc. That sort of affair was intended for mature adults, and catered to them and their preferences. Now it seems that elders are merely tolerated at these affairs, and young partiers/beautiful people are preferred.</p>
<p>Zoosermom, does your mother really want to go to the wedding? Maybe I missed it, but that’s not clear to me. It does seem to be an important factor.</p>
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<p>Maybe I misunderstood, but I thought the point of having an aide go to help your mother was so that you would not need to go. If that’s the case, then the aide could have the meal that would have been meant for you, no?</p>
<p>IMHO you have suffered enough from your sister and her D’s outrageous behavior, and should not subject yourself to a minute more of it.</p>
<p>If I don’t go, they won’t order a meal for me and they don’t want to pay $250 (or whatever the amount is) for someone who won’t cover the plate. Which is what I think the core of the problem is. They are having a wedding that is more expensive than they want to pay, so that means they can invite fewer people. Better they should have had cookies and milk and invited their whole family.</p>
<p>Oh, and my mother is so upset by the nastiness of the whole situation that she’s been having chest pains all day. We have since found out that every cousin, step cousin and cousin-in-law in both families above 18 is invited except my daughter.</p>
<p>Wow, your sister and her D are unreal. I get the impression that you think that your niece is more difficult than your sister is, but I have to say, I am not a big fan of your sister either. </p>
<p>Okay, I forgot about the “cover the plate” thing. I have never heard that expression, or concept, before this thread. I seem to recall that early on in the thread, people said that it was a New Jersey or New York thing. I’m not sure if that recollection is correct, but fwiw, I grew up in New Jersey and have lived in New York City for almost forty years, and as I said, have never before heard that expression.</p>
<p>And, you are willing to put up with all this because…?
And, it’s ok to let your daughters see you do this because…?</p>
<p>You have to make the decision that’s right for you- I can’t tell you what that is. But, I often worry about what message I am sending my daughters. This has got to hurt yours terribly, in obvious and not-so-obvious ways, especially D2. </p>
<p>My issue was with my grandmother, whose filter was off for decades. I became the only one who could deal with her- and, at a certain point, had to (ok, chose to) consider what the impact of some decisions was on my D’s. I was as gracious as I could be.</p>
<p>^^^ Hear, hear!</p>