My husband and my brother are two of the most even-tempered, drama-free individuals I have ever met. They both hate my sister with a degree of hatred I can’t fully articulate.</p>
<p>My daughter is crying and heartbroken. My brother is very, very close to and good to my kids. He usually goes with the flow, but he called me a little while and told me that my daughter wants to call my sister and tell her how hurt she is, but she is afraid I won’t let her. My brother thinks I should allow that as long as my daughter conducts herself in an appropriate manner. I’m thinking about that.</p>
<p>So to make things worse, I’ve found out that the reception venue is on three different floors, with the restroom in the lower level. My mom is really not mobile. She can get around her kitchen and maybe to the living room without the walker or wheelchair, but that’s it. Stairs are out of the question. I asked my sister to find out the logistics last week, but she didn’t, so I checked the website and it appears to be three different floors. I’m going to call the venue tomorrow and confirm that. I don’t think I should have to make that call. I think my sister should find out.</p>
<p>
I don’t know. I’m thinking of seeing a therapist I’ve seen a few times to discuss this specifically.</p>
<p>“We have since found out that every cousin, step cousin and cousin-in-law in both families above 18 is invited except my daughter.”
I’m not you zoo, but for me, THAT would be the last straw!! I see absolutely no GOOD reason you or your family should continue to subject themselves to this kind of mean spirited psychological sabotage. Isn’t it time to say “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH?” Try saying it out loud. And then tell your sister you’re NOT coming and she can find someone else to take care of mom[ if she still wants to go] . I bet you’ll feel relieved, instead of filled with dread. jmho.</p>
<p>Something seems off here. In all these discussions about this wedding and whether you and/or your mother will attend that you have had with your sister, she never mentioned that all the cousins/step-cousins, etc. would be invited except your one daughter? (And you found out that all these other assorted members of the next generation were invited how?) Are you sure it wasn’t a mistake, or delivery of your daughter’s invitation wasn’t just delayed in the mail? Have you politely mentioned to your sister that your one daughter received her invitation but your second daughter has not, and noted – politely, again – that you assume the second daughter is invited as well, correct?</p>
<p>Please don’t jump to any conclusions until you have had that sisterly conversation.</p>
<p>About the rest of it, if you go to anything, take your mother to the wedding ceremony and skip the reception entirely.</p>
<p>I think if you attempt attending the reception, that would fit the definition of insanity- ya know the one where you do the same thing & expect different outcome.
Do the wedding- not the reception.</p>
<p>Didm’t your daughter get a separate invitation to the shower? Was it older or younger daughter? Is it remotely possible she is getting a separate invitation? </p>
<p>All this triangulating with dau talking to you through brother, mom talking to sister though you (whether on purpose or not), etc is not healthy, but you know that. If dau doesnt get separate invitation, I’d announce either you are all invited or none of you are going, and they will need to handle mom since she wants to go and you will not have your family divided. Then its in their court.</p>
<p>Im sorry, but everyone in your immediate famiy including your mom and brother are very upset, how can you tolerate this? I would say NO. I cannot in good consciousness allow myself to be treated in this manner. I would stand in support of my 2 daughters, especially your D who was not invited. What do you think is going to happen at the reception to your mom if she is already having chest pains today about this?
Your sister is trying to triangulate you and your immediate family including your brother. I would not give her that power. Ifvshe wants your mom to attend, then yes, she should make some arrangement. Not assume you are the caregiver.
The question has been posed many times, but I cant recall the answer, does your, mom still want to go?
Your sister seems to be up to something and I would be leary.</p>
<p>I’m not familiar with triangularization - I guess I have something else to learn now.</p>
<p>But it does seem that we are coming to a consensus on the attendance. Protect your mom. Protect your family. Poor sis may want you, but she’s out of luck, I think.</p>
<p>ZM - sorry this is so upsetting. Take your mom to the ceremony, ditch the reception.</p>
<p>And I know this is none of my business, but you really have no relationship with your sister. People that love you don’t make you feel like s***!</p>
<p>Wait, I missed it…your daughter was specifically not invited. That is mean.</p>
<p>Do what will give you peace. Take some time to make the decision. I’d call my sister about the missing invitation, not allow my D to be in the line of fire, but that’s your call.
If your mom wants to go, and you want to take her, you can limit your offer of caregiving to include what you are comfortable with…ie ceremony only.</p>
<p>When DH and I were married, my mom was in a wheel chair, my godmother used a walker, etc. Location was determined based on ease of movement. And that left out my future MIL’s favorites, too bad. Fortunately, my future FIL was in complete agreement. At this point, call and ask about an elevator, handicapped accomodations, etc if you decide to take your mom to the reception.</p>
<p>I hate to say this, but my loyalty would be with my daughter, hands down. If your mother still wants to go (honestly, from what you’ve said about her health, I really wonder if she’s up for such a long day) and your sister so badly wants her there, they need to figure something out. Your brother obviously doesn’t have the loyalty to his own kids to worry about, so he can go, too. You are your daughter’s mom, and if you go, how will she feel when there are so many other options which would allow your mom to go, but will allow you to respect your daughter. I’m just wondering how your daughter must feel right now. If it were me, I’d be devastated, and wonder why my parents didn’t stand by my side. Where’s that momma bear in you?</p>
<p>Also, some have mentioned down the road what others might think if you baled on the wedding, that it might give life to some of the stories the bride-to-be and her family have told about zoosermom and her family. I think you have to let go of this (if this is an issue); in reality, the people who might be convinced that you’re a witch in light of your absence really aren’t the kind of people you want any future with anyway. Frankly, do you see yourself having anything to do with this bride after they’re married? Or the groom’s side of the family, even if you do attend and behave perfectly? </p>
<p>I just can’t imagine going to something that basically the entire family was invited to, except my daughter. It would be such a slap in the face.</p>
<p>I think you need to call your sister and specifically ask if your older D was intentionally not invited. It is entirely possible the invitation was lost in the mail. Or better yet, let your daughter call your sister and have that conversation. Your daughter is an adult now and asking (reasonably) to be treated like one, so let her be one and have this very difficult conversation herself.</p>
<p>It seems to me it all hinges on what your mom wants. If she wants to go to the ceremony, take her. I can’t imagine that she’d really want to go to the reception, especially as its 6 hours after the wedding and in a 3-story venue.</p>
<p>OTOH, if my daughter was the only one intentionally un-invited… I might decline the invitation. That is just beyond the pale.</p>
I may have been a little misleading here. I think there are only a total of 7 assorted cousin types. Three are in the wedding party (those are all the cousins from her father’s side), one is my D1 and 2 are my brother’s adult kids. I know they were invited because I spoke to that niece today, and may I say that she is a gift to my life.</p>
<p>They had originally sent a save the date card just to my husband and me. Then a couple of days later my D1 got one, but I’m not really sure why. D2 didn’t get one, so we thought she wouldn’t be invited to the wedding. Fool that I am, I assumed after the barbeque that in the spirit of peace and harmony they wouldn’t exclude her. I was obviously mistaken. She was intentionally not invited and it is because my sister/niece don’t believe she can cover the plate at the wedding. Funny part is she has always had a job and is a saver, so she could have. I just really misunderstood the intent and thought that my niece was feeling the loss of her father and wanted to draw her remaining family close. That probably seems moronic, but that’s what I thought.</p>
<p>Laf, it’s younger D who wasn’t invited. D2 from our class of 2010 group. You know, one of “yours.”</p>
<p>I swear to God in heaven that I don’t know what my mom wants and I’m not sure she does, either.</p>
<p>
That is definitely in my mind. When we met the fiance at the barbeque he seemed surprised that I don’t have horns. The messed up part of this is that my brother-in-law would never have stood for this. When my sister refused to go to my brothers’s kids’ weddings, her husband came. When she refused to come to our father’s funeral, her husband came. This D was his Godchild. He would never, ever have done this.</p>
<p>If you wanted to be mean (not suggesting this but its fun to think about) you could RSVP yes and then no-show. Don’t do it, just smile at the thought that you could.</p>
<p>I’d be concerned that if D2 calls, your sister will manipulate her emotions, possibly even escalate. There is no mercy in the relationships with her. Think about how to explain your concerns about her calling. I hope it’s not that she hopes to take some of the pressure off you- it’s futile.</p>
<p>If Sis wants mom there, perhaps she can call on one of cousins, step cousins and cousins-in-law in both families above 18 to help her to the bathroom. Is your nice niece going?</p>
<p>One last thing and then I’ll be quiet. Mind your daughters’ needs. Be careful that the lessons you set about how much Grandma wants this and the lengths you would go to for her don’t send the wrong message about your daughters’ own dignity and worth. Our girls are the next generation of mothers and spouses. We need them to carry on the best lessons.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>oops, one last line: this whole thing is a huge guilt trip. Whatever you decide, I think I can speak for all of us: we know you tried to make the best decision and we’ll stand by you.
Affectionately.</p>
<p>None of the relatives are on “my” side – if we go, it will only be four from my sister’s family, my husband and I and my mother and brother. My niece isn’t going because she lives on the other side of the country and her kids will be in school. If I don’t go to the wedding, the only women related to my mother will be my sister and niece. (the bride)</p>
<p>Jym, I’d like to do something mean. My D1 already sent back her no. From the post office, so they may get it tomorrow. That probably sends a message.</p>
<p>^^well, I guess your sister and her D should have thought about that when they excluded D2, huh? Too bad, but actions have consequences, and I think now is the time to show them just that. If you go, and your D2 does not, it may cause problems for the 2 of you down the road, long after your mom is gone. I agree with terwitt, its time to stand up for your immediate family. Your mom has other children who can look after her at the wedding. Your D has only one mother and she is looking for you to take her side in this matter…</p>
<p>If you can confirm your D2 was specifically and deliberately excluded, then as a mother, I think you stand with your family and don’t go. Your immediate family trumps your siblings. You have to have your DDs back and not allow her to be treated like a 2nd class citizen.</p>
<p>As posters above said, you should somehow ensure she was left out intentionally.</p>
<p>Someone else can take your mother if she wants to go. Why not your brother? Or tell your sister your family cannot make it, she will have to make arrangements for your mother. (Does your sister ordinarily do much with your mother?)</p>
<p>I would not make a big deal of it, no big announcement, etc. because they really do not care. No need to tell a story, because they don’t care.</p>
<p>OK, I get it now. In that case, I wouldn’t have your D2 call. As a college student she’s still more of a “child” in this picture than an adult. And if my daughter were deliberately excluded I don’t think I could go. That’s just the last straw. Especially on top of the way they are treating your mother.</p>