<p>Does the bride know she is getting so much publicity? This is the next to the best thing of getting on the NY Times bridal section.</p>
<p>My mom wasn’t invited with a guest, either, Jym, otherwise that would be perfect.</p>
<p>I would quit discussing this with your mother. What’s to be gained by that?</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I hope I don’t regret asking this question, but what kind of help does your mom actually need in the bathroom? If it’s just making sure she gets in and out of a stall safely, then there will be plenty of people around who would probably be more than happy to help her. When your mother needs to go to the bathroom, your brother can look around for the kindest face and ask her if she’d be willing to escort your mom to the bathroom stall door and make sure she is able to maneuver and shut the door (maybe the escort will need to stand outside of the door and hold it closed if your mom can’t lock it).</p>
<p>You’re right YDS. We’re just trying to decide what to do.</p>
<p>
I would hope so, but without my husband and me, my brother will be the only member of her family there, and she doesn’t really know any of the other guests. If my brother couldn’t find a kind stranger in a hurry it could be a mess and this is something that really worries them.</p>
<p>“That’s the problem, really.”
that’s not YOUR problem zoo, its THEIR problem…
Your mom has the option to go or not…And she will have to accept that YOU wont go without ALL of YOUR family… ALL of your family should have been invited, not just those who can “always” be expected to pitch in and look after mom .The world will not end if she does not go. … Don’t be a doormat this time…</p>
<p>I don’t usually chime in on these discussions, but here’s my two cents. you need to stop giving your sister so much power in your life. She seems like a real “pot-stirrer” who gains energy from your turmoil. I think you should decline the invite without a lot of fanfare. Put some distance between you and sister. Let your mom and your sister figure out mom’s logistics. Send a respectable gift, and use what ever you would have spent going to the wedding on visits to a therapist who can help you sort out why you give your sister so much power in your life. Do this for your daughters. Remember, they are learning their coping skills by watching you.</p>
<p>
You need to quit thinking about what they want/dictated by the invitation and think about what you want. You are handing them the controls on a silver platter. Your dau already declined her invitation. You and DH are probably going to decline yours. That frees up 3 “spots” and you are arranging for an aide for your mom.</p>
<p>jyms’ right…there is no better time than now to time to cut the strings…and no longer be a puppet, manipulated by your Sis…</p>
<p>I think I agree. If mom is having chest pains, then she shouldn’t have to hear any more about the wedding. Keep her home, and keep her company that day.</p>
<p>Put yourself in your sister’s shoes. You’ve behaved badly to Zoos, Zoos’s daughter, and your own daughter has behaved very badly to everyone attached to Zoos. And now you want Zoos to attend your badly behaved daughter’s wedding for whatever reason, and you expect Zoos to be your mom’s caretaker to boot. I wouldn’t have the nerve to expect anyone to go along with that!</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>OK, I just caught this. Your sister didn’t go to her/your dad’s funeral? The funeral of the husband of your mom? For real? There’s only one reason I can think of about why a woman wouldn’t go to her dad’s funeral, and I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the case here. And now you’re all worried about her feelings with this wedding?</p>
<p>This is so not worth all the agony and tears that everyone is putting themselves through. After all this, the way she treats everyone around you including her parents, your D & the boyfriend that she just met, she’d be dead to me Zoos. While your niece is certainly to blame for a lot of this, your sister and her parenting are the driving force. If your mom wants to go, and the bathroom situation is what is keeping you from saying no, can she make it through just the ceremony without it being an issue?</p>
<p>While I agree with what everyone has written, I’ve been the daughter of the parent who needs caregiving. And, actually, the DIL, too. I get it. I understand your commitment to your mother and your brother. You are caught between a rock and a hard place. Unless you’ve been there, with all the caregiving emotions, it’s hard to understand just how difficult this must be for you. I’m sorry this is happening.</p>
<p>Do what you have to…eventually. I would talk to your sister, frankly I wouldn’t want her anywhere near my daughter. Talk to your daughter. And then do what makes you the most calm.</p>
<p>After the wedding fever has died down, time for long term decisions, fully disclosed. Keep your family’s needs in the forefront of that process (DH and Ds). </p>
<p>Truly, I support whatever you have to do to get through this…and I know I’m not the only one.</p>
<p>A few pages back, someone said: “give her the gift you would have given if she’d behaved like a decent human being.”</p>
<p>Well, Zoos can’t do that - because her bee-yotch of a sister went out and bought the wonderful, meaningful thing that Zoos wanted to give the niece for a wedding present! Unreal! Apparently Sisterzilla can’t BEAR the thought that Zoos might possibly get even a teensy bit of positive strokes for doing something nice, so Sisterzilla had to upstage Zoos.</p>
<p>I said it way back, and I’ll say it again - get these toxic, toxic, hateful people out of your life. The sooner the better. Spend time with people whom you love and enjoy, and who love and enjoy you.</p>
<p>How horrible to have a wedding guest list based on who they think can “cover the plate.” I have always thought it was tacky in my church community when couples had potluck wedding receptions, but the other extreme of having the ability to “cover the plate” as a litmus test for an invitation is even worse. Sounds like the invitations were expensive, too, and not sent to those who would neither attend nor cover the plate, including recouping the cost of printing and mailing the invitation.</p>
<p>Zoos, I am so sorry and feel so badly for you and your family. Keep in mind that relationships require willingness on both ends; it can’t all be you.</p>
<p>So…let me get this straight: If you don’t go, your brother will be alone. He will be alone because, as the possible sole representative of your family, he’s not allowed to bring a guest. Your mother can’t go, without you because she can’t bring an aide. One of your daughters is invited. The other adult daughter wasn’t invited. </p>
<p>Do you see (ad nauseam) how your niece AND your sister are dividing your family/manipulating your family and causing enough angst for a stroke? All this over a “joyous” wedding? Zoosermom…toxic horrible people.</p>
<p>Wow, this could be a plot for some twisted reality show any time you want to sell the rights, ZM. </p>
<p>How about you tell your sister that you can pay for the aide to come to the wedding and neither mom nor aid will attend the reception. That way, there will be no “plate” fee for anyone as no one will be eating the expensive food and you still don’t have to attend this toxic event at all (probably MUCH better for your health). Your brother can make his own choices that he’s comfortable (or not) with.</p>
<p>“Covering the plate” is such a tacky expectation. (Not that I’m surprised from zooser’s description of these folks.) I don’t even understand how that works. Do people really throw lavish weddings and plan to recover the costs from the guests? Or is it just the, pardon the expression, principle of the thing - “I’ll invite them, but they’d better cover the plate if I do.”</p>
<p>Just musing - and also adding my sympathies to zm. You can’t fix crazy, that’s for sure.</p>
<p>MomCat2: I think that was me that said to “give her the present you would have given her if she’d behaved like a decent human being.” And yes, Zoos sis bought the mixer but that was for the shower. In my experience in the NYC area, no one gives gifts at the wedding, only envelopes. I only got one wrapped present at my wedding back in 1988; I don’t remember seeing any presents at most of the weddings I went to. Those are generally given at engagement parties & bridal showers. Of course, I am the child of an immigrant as were most of my friends (although different ethnicities) so that may have skewed my experience. I’ve been at plenty of Greek & Middle Eastern weddings where the guys lined up waving bills to dance with the bride. </p>
<p>So I was meaning to say give her the monetary gift that she would have given if the niece had behaved like a decent human being.</p>
<p>As for the “covering the plate” piece: since most people do give cash/checks for a wedding, it’s a frame of reference for what the appropriate gift is. I’ve never heard of anyone saying the things that Zoos sis said about what the “expected” gift was and certainly you wouldn’t judge anyone by what they give. Friends of the couple certainly give less (a bunch of us who were all getting married within a few months all agreed not to exchange gifts since it would have just been passing the money back & forth) because they’re just getting started in their careers, while family usually gives more. I have no recollection of any specific gift amounts except for one of DH’s uncles, who was notorious for being less than generous while also being a pro at finding a free ride. And I probably wouldn’t remember if it hadn’t been for DH’s mom asking us what he gave.</p>
<p>
Our father. Biological father who raised us. A difficult but perfectly normal man who did everything that was expected of a man of his generation and gave us a good life. She “doesn’t go to funerals.” But the real story is that my father was very, very ill for the last year of his life and suffered like no one should ever have to and my sister was completely absent. She wouldn’t lift a finger to help me take care of him and she was ashamed and guilty, so she wouldn’t show her face when he died.</p>
<p>
You’ve got it exactly right! And he is in his middle 50s, not a kid at all.</p>
<p>As far as “covering the plate” is concerned, my perception (and I could be wrong) is that my sister has told me and my mother what the cost per plate is, but she hasn’t generally made it known.</p>
<p>I did something that is going to flip my sister out and I’m sort of gleeful about it. Ok that’s mean. I emailed the venue directly and asked every question about accessibility and logistics for my mother. They will (presumably) get back to me in writing, which means that my sister can’t twist or spin the information.</p>
<p>We may have sort of come up with a compromise, but we’re still considering it. The thought now is that I will go to the ceremony with my mother, brother and son (my husband works on weekends) and then all go back home. At the appointed hour, my brother and I will go to the reception together to represent the family, while my mother stays at home with my son and husband. It kind of seems like all the people on the guest side are happy with this, but we’ll see.</p>