<p>Your sister doesn’t attend her own father’s funeral? And yet you and your mom are getting yourself in a swivet over pleasing this woman and her horrible daughter?</p>
<p>That’s it. I give up. Someone smack me if I post on this thread again.</p>
<p>ETA: There’s obviously some long-standing issues in this family that aren’t going to be solved with a BBQ or who attends a wedding or “covers the plate.”</p>
<p>Zoos that sounds like a good compromise. And I totally get that you want to do the right thing, even though the right thing hasn’t always been done by the other parties. Two wrongs don’t make a right. </p>
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There’s so many things to say about that. Did she go to her own husband’s funeral last year?</p>
<p>YDS, just so you know, the rest of us are relatively sane and people generally like us!
I can’t think of a single person who likes my sister except, shockingly, my D2 who isn’t invited to the wedding. She is a deeply difficult woman. Our middle sister was congenitally ill (she died at age 20), which left the remaining sister to feel that she was lost in the shuffle. This is the outcomel</p>
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Yes she did and, to be fair, it was horrible for her. She had arranged a closed coffin and her MIL went behind her back and had it opened so that when my sister arrived at the funeral home and saw it she almost had a heart attack.</p>
<p>^^^That’s awful! The funeral home is supposed to follow the wishes of the next of kin, which would have been your sister. MIL was big time wrong there, as well as the funeral director.</p>
<p>^I don’t get NYC weddings. According to Miss Manners, you don’t see presents at the wedding, because you’ve sent them on ahead. The idea being that the bride is way too busy on her wedding day to have to worry about dealing with a lot of presents. We’ve gone to a bunch of weddings of dh’s grad students here in NY and we never ever give them money and while I think our gifts are generous, I’m not sure they “cover the plate” for two people.</p>
<p>In Zoosermom’s shoes, I think I’d take Mom to the wedding (assuming she really does want to be there), and skip the reception.</p>
<p>Crossposted - I think the current compromise seems doable as well. But really I think it’s time to divorce the sister.</p>
<p>Zmom The proposed compromise sounds like a good plan. After the wedding you can make some decisions how to handle your sister and her family in the future…right now you just need to survive in a way that is comfortable for you.</p>
<p>As far as the funeral…wow, just wow. That’s horrible.</p>
<p>I think the compromise is a good alternative, but does your brother especially want to go to the reception? I’d go to the ceremony if mom wants to attend and call it a day.</p>
<p>Would D2 (the uninivited daughter) want to attend the wedding? My mother always told me weddings are public affairs if they are held churches. Her pressence at the church could rattle your sister & neice! </p>
<p>PS - agree with posters that noted the entire conversation of ‘covering the plate’ is tacky and low class. People should give wedding gifts based on what they can afford to give the couple, not paying back the bride’s family for an over-the-top wedding.</p>
<p>Agree this plans sounds better. The only relationships to foster are with those other decent relatives and if you can shine that day, it’s its own revenge. Look beautiful and look happy.<br>
My concern- aside from the futility and personal cost of trying to please Sis- was that you were prioritizing Grandma ahead of D2. One wants to attend a family rite of passage, the other is still learning life skills- many from our own examples. You are showing D2 a willingness to consider Grandma’s needs (hopefully, D2 will remember this when you are older.) But, don’t inadvertently show D2 that it’s ok to endure crap that goes on and on, that her self-respect is secondary. </p>
<p>I guess I’d say, what if you saw your D2, 20 years from now, enduring that crap from someone who had a hold over her- and your grandchild were the “left out?” </p>
<p>The plate issue is just among some groups. Some expect that the bigger and more elaborate the party, the more guests will respond equally. It’s not that much different than saying- if you go to the picnic fundraiser, you can donate $20. But, if it’s black-tie, you might be expected to contribute more. It’s unfortunate when family treats this as gospel- and sets the bar so high. Give what you feel comfortabe with and write a sweet message in the gift card.</p>
<p>Having just buried my 87 year old mother last month and dealt very recently with funeral issues and funeral directors, I have the same concerns as RobD. How can a funeral director override the wishes of the wife in terms of her husband? Did the MIL pay for the funeral, did the BIL’s last wishes specifically indicate he wanted an open casket despite what his wife had arranged? Very strange. Going with the brother to the reception seems like a good compromise. The bathroom issues for an elderly person toward the end of life can become very challenging. If the sister will not allow an aide, the time involved for both wedding and reception could be stressful for all involved. Good luck!</p>
<p>This is my first post, though I’m sure I’m not the only lurker…
so one more very strong opinion :)</p>
<p>I don’t think any of you should attend this reception.
I think attending the ceremony is fine if anyone chooses to do so.
If I decided to give a gift, it would have absolutely no monetary value. I would give something with only sentimental value: family recipes, family photos? Maybe nicely bound or framed, but again not a sterling frame, something very modest so it is abundantly clear it is the thought that counts.</p>
<p>I have a divided family so I kind of get this. But we decided with a couple of recent weddings that those events were absolutely not the time for any attempt at reconciliation/detente since they were stressful enough without any additional drama.</p>
<p>If it happens for us I guess it will be at a funeral instead 
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<p>good luck!</p>
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I could be wrong about this, but what I think happened is that the funeral director has a decades-long personal and professional relationship with the MIL and her brother.</p>
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Other people find these things stressful, too?</p>
<p>When my kids get married, I hope they will consider their guests’ comfort and enjoyment and remember that it’s the people whom make an event special, not the details that the drunken or oblivious guests won’t recognize anyway.</p>
<p>My kids’ weddings will be “interesting,” because my parents are stauch teetotalers and I’ve never even told them that we “partake.” So if the kids want alcohol served at their weddings, I will have to figure out what to do!! Sigh.</p>
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Please accept my condolences on your loss.</p>
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Oof. That will be a conflict.</p>
<p>A TV show about weddings from the family point of view might be quite interesting.</p>
<p>On the bathroom thing, my MIL has need a caregiver helper for over 25 years and FIL always takes her into the ladies room, a quick ‘knock, knock, man coming trough’ and in he goes…I’ve never seen any issue with that.</p>
<p>Any one can take a handicapped person into the restroom</p>
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Alrighty then, so that whole side of the family is kind of interesting…your sister definitely found her niche. </p>
<p>On the plus side, you have a more interesting life than I do.</p>
<p>I have to say I hope my kids do what they want to do when it comes to their weddings. I was a young bride who let everyone else dictate what we should do. My MIL was especially forceful. By the time I walked down the aisle the wedding didn’t represent anything close to my DH and I. We were able to invite a total of four guests because of the number of guests required by our families. I stood in the back of the church and sobbed when I realized I hardly knew a soul…DH and I were simply on display that day. Everyone thought I was just silly happy…tears of joy. I was literally breaking down. It would have been more understandable if either parents were paying for anything…nope we were footing the bill for the wedding everyone else wanted. So while it’s fun to talk about bridezillia (and clearly this is the case here!!) there are cases where the families overstep expectations as well. From experience…it’s not a good way to start a marriage.</p>