<p>Re MIL and the closed coffin: I must admit that I have a lot of sympathy for a woman burying her son. (More than for your selfish, neurotic sister.) But in the circumstances, it sounds as if the proper thing to to would have been to arrange a private viewing for the MIL and other family members who wished to be there before the public viewing with closed coffin.</p>
<p>Some of the posts on here confused me, where not attending the wedding and reception is in the line of ‘two wrongs don’t make a right’, as if going to the wedding is some sort of commandment. What that strikes me as is the old saws, that ‘blood is thicker then water’, that ‘you have a duty to the family to go’, etc and that not going somehow wrong.</p>
<p>I dealt with this stuff, and used to have the same thoughts, but I would also take a look at this from another angle. If the invite were from, for example, a family friend’s daughter getting married, and there was all this kind of drama? Would you take this kind of behavior from a family friend? More importantly, would you put yourself in a situation where you were going someplace where you knew darn well that you were walking into a situation where people held you in contempt or in low esteem? I would answer that few people would go into such a situation, yet when it comes to family, suddenly that goes. I grew up in a family like that, I dealt with relatives who remind me a lot of Zmom’s sister’s family, and it took me a lot of work to figure out that why would I want to put myself in the position of being around people who had some sort of idea that I was ‘less’ then them? Why put myself through that?</p>
<p>It is really hard, because most people grow up being preached at by society, clergy and so forth the idea that family is family, and it is somehow our duty is to be a doormat to ‘the family’ and so forth, and that is crap quite honestly. </p>
<p>And I have to agree with the poster, your sister is not blameless in this, from what it sounds like she either shares the dynamic of her D and the rest of the family and thinks you, your mom and so forth are something to be looked own upon, or she is too timid to stand up for what she really wants and either way it is not good IMO. </p>
<p>I was going to suggest the compromise, go to the church for the wedding and then not go to the reception. You would be ‘representing’ your side of the family, but not putting yourself in the way of the rest of it. Personally, I don’t know if I would even go to the church, if I knew that the bride and her family felt the way they did about myself and my family, I would basically duck the whole thing, if not for myself, for my own family. </p>
<p>As someone who has been there and had to face down situations like this, it feels like crap when in the middle of it, and you feel lousy if you decide to cut yourself off, but all I can tell you is looking back, as hard as many of my decisions were, even with the help of a damn good therapist, the pain goes away and you sit back and say ‘what was I ever so torn about?’, or at the very least, realize that what I did needed to be done and while I do have regrets about things, I wish things had been different, I also realize that I gained a lot more by what I did. </p>
<p>And whatever you do, at least know you have one person who understands how hard this is to deal with and there is absolutely zero judgement behind what I write;)</p>
<p>I obviously come from the sticks, where:
- you invite people to your wedding because you love them, they’ve been an important part of your life, and you want them to help you celebrate your wedding day.
- no one would ever dream of throwing and paying for a $250-a-plate wedding reception, or actually paying anything more than $25-a-plate (and typically a LOT below that).
- “covering the plate” is a totally foreign concept; attendees give a wedding gift they can afford and feel comfortable with – and we have never given even a niece or nephew more than $200 as a wedding gift.
- people throw the wedding they can afford, inviting only as many guests as they can afford to host and they desire to have present, so if you’re not invited to a cousin’s wedding, for example, you’re not insulted because you assume they had to draw the line somewhere – something everyone has to do.
- An invitation is an invitation; if the date, venue, other invited guests are not to your liking or convenience, you politely indicate you will not be able to attend rather than complain about the terms of the invitation.</p>
<p>These relatives of zoosermom’s must be the people who go to Kleinfeld’s with a $5,000-$10,000 dress budget, because to be honest, I know of no bride in these parts who has spent more than $1,500 for a wedding dress – and usually it’s significantly less than that.</p>
<p>Personally I have decried all the stuff that’s been added to local weddings in recent years – the hair-styling appointments, manicures and pedicures for all female wedding party members, for example, and party favors for wedding guests – because it makes the focus of the day the event itself rather than the couple and their family/church/community’s celebration of their new life together. I have also seen a troubling trend in which couples get married after they’ve been living together for several years, sometimes after having a child together, and sometimes it’s because they’ve been saving up for a big wedding (that is still nowhere close to the scale of the wedding being talked about in this thread). How sad that weddings have become commercialized to the point that they are becoming such “Events” – and that the $7,500 to $10,000 spent on these Events isn’t going towards a house for the couple/family.</p>
<p>^^^I believe it is definitely a regional thing. Even though we live in an area now that is much more “well off” than our former communities in NJ, weddings & other occasions seem much more modest & personalized. There are still some larger scale events but even those don’t have the same ostentatious factor present in a lot of the weddings I went to back home. </p>
<p>I remember when we first moved here and I started reading the wedding announcements, that I was taken aback by how many people had their receptions in their parents backyard or at their grandparents farm. I’d never known anyone who even considered having a reception “at home” before. I do think a lot of that goes back to the immigrant culture: when you marry off your child and you want to show your community that you’ve done well in this country, you throw a big party. Since there are so many immigrants as well as 2nd, 3rd & 4th generation ethnic group members in the Tri State area, it’s just the norm. Even if you don’t consider yourself ethnic anymore. </p>
<p>Back in the late 80’s, when my girlfriends were all getting married, I had 2 major Bridezilla friends. The 1st ended up buying $15 favors for each of the guests (and she had 300+guests) while the other one took ever single idea that had been used at all the weddings she’d been to and used them all (i.e. rice roses & bubbles & doves released when they were leaving the church instead of having just one.)</p>
<p>Oh and a $7000 wedding would barely get you the Knights of Columbus hall. I know I’ve been to weddings 20 years ago that were close to $50,000 and they weren’t wealthy people.</p>
<p>Zmom, I’m so sorry. Get some distance from these horrible people. Definitely talk to a therapist. Continue to post. Make a decision that your immediate family, including DD2, feels comfortable with. Blessings.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>The MIL and her brother had many funerals?</p>
<p>I wouldn’t go. I’ve had similar family problems that were caused by my brother’s death, whom I loved, and dealing with family you do not respect and pretty to be happily celebrating a joyous moment is just not a pleasant thing to do. </p>
<p>I’d rather patch up things with your sister instead. She’s sounds like the most important person to you out of all of the people you have mentioned. After all, she’s immediate family.</p>
<p>
Unfortunately, yes. That’s what happens over a period of decades and when your family lives in the same neighborhood you develop a relationship with the funeral director. For example, the person who handled my father and in-laws also sponsored my son’s little league team last year. Sadly, you will learn that some day.</p>
<p>So Zoos, I didn’t hear… you said you and your brother were going to the reception. Does your brother have some burning desire to go? I understand you feel you need to help your mom at the ceremony. I’m not sure with everything that’s happened, especially with your daughter being excluded, why you are going to the reception. I understand if your brother really, really wants to go you don’t want him alone, although if my daughter was excluded I’d kindly tell my adult brother he was on his own if he wanted to brave the reception.</p>
<p>
We’re still hashing it out. My brother hates, hates, hates, both my sister and niece, so he will have to be dragged kicking and streaming.</p>
<p>Is he going solely to take your mom? Are you going soley to take your mom? Does she know you both don’t want to go? Really— don’t go. Go to the wedding and then have a lovely FAMILY dinner. Go to the “your good deal of the day” thread to find a very inexpensive gift, and spend the rest that you would have spent on a gift to cover your OWN plates at dinner. This constant back and forth must be crazy making. Their crap is making you and us crazy.</p>
<p>
He is going solely to take my mom, I am going half to take mom and half to not give my sister the satisfaction of not going. D1 swears that they have intentionall created this situation to set me up. She is the sensible one in the family.</p>
<p>
That’s what I want to do. I could live with my brother and me going to the wedding alone, we get along well, but I’m praying my mother won’t come. It will be too much for her and she is a loose cannon, so any perceived slight will set her off.</p>
<p>I agree with the above–JUST go to the CEREMONY and then have a GREAT family dinner with loved ones FAR AWAY from these insane, toxic people. That way no money would be wasted on your food or plates and you can actually digest your meals. 
Can see no point on doing anything else at this point and would be more likely personally to skip the entire toxic drama including the ceremony myself.</p>
<p>For your mom, does the MD even think it would be good/safe for her to attend? It seems like it would exact quite a toll on her physically & emotionally and for what benefit? </p>
<p>Would definitely put off making a decision until just before RSVPs are due to see how things evolve and how your mom’s health holds up.</p>
<p>Oh my gosh I totally agree!! If your brother doesn’t want to go, will be kicking and screaming, and mom isn’t going to the reception why is anyone going to the reception?! Unless you want to go to the reception? If you do, that’s fine. I said a while back no one can understand this but you and you have to live with this, but the round and round has got to be killing you. If you are the one that wants to go then make peace with it and come to a decision. The back and forth is nuts.</p>
<p>Personally…if mom’s healthy enough to go to the wedding, do that with the family that wants to go then move on to a happy family dinner where you can laugh and celebrate together!!!</p>
<p>
IMO, this would be the only reason TO go! </p>
<p>Sorry, but in the words of some old Saturday Night Live character, your sister is a selfish porkface. She didn’t lift a finger to help your ailing dad because she is selfish. She didnt come to his funeral not out of guilt, but because she is selfish. You carry enough guilt for the two of you rolled together. LET IT GO. Stop trying to hard to figure out a way to go. They don’t want you guys there. That is awful, but it is what it is. Stop making yourself nuts and JUST SAY NO :)</p>
<p>I’m just kind of curious… if you do plan to attend the ceremony and skip the reception, how do you RSVP that? Does it have that option?</p>
<p>^ I’ve seen invitations where it specifies ceremony and/or reception. If not, you can just write it in.</p>
<p>Not a frequent poster, but I keep up with several threads.</p>
<p>I don’t feel like zoosermom should attend the wedding. Doing so legitmizes the treatment of D2. It was an intentional insult and to go says that it’s ok. I think zoosermom must be a kind soul and tries to see her sister in a positive light by attributing past difficulties to why her sister acts this way. Her sister is an adult and chooses to act this way and, as an adult, has allowed the atrocious treatment of zoosermon and her family.</p>
<p>^^That is what I’ve been thinking as I’ve read the last few pages. If you are sure that D2 was intentionally excluded, then in your place I would not even consider attending any part of this event. Your brother does not want to go, your mother should not go. (Why would your mother want to go if your D2 was excluded?) Your D1 has already declined. I would make a firm decision now and put a stop to the angst.</p>
<p>If the reason for excluding your daughter was, indeed, a concern that she would not spend something like $250 on a gift, then those people are truly sick. I can’t imagine anyone expecting a young person, especially a student, to buy an expensive gift. Thoughtful people register for a range of gifts, including inexpensive items like dishtowels and spatulas, so that people can find something in a comfortable range.</p>
<p>I’m wondering if ZM has done the list: A) Why I should go. B) Why I should not go.</p>
<p>Most people who expect a wedding guest to “buy a ticket” - ie, cover the plate- don’t care who writes that check. Mom and Dad, if they agree to this funny venture, could pay it for D2.<br>
Omitting D2 is a power play. Beyond your control. The choice to accept or reject the crappy fake reasoning is within your control.</p>
<p>As the man said, this is getting curiouser and curiouser.</p>