<p>I agree with ZM, brother and grandma going to the ceremony - ONLY so that grandma can see her granddaughter get married, she needs ZM there for personal care reasons, and because brother is the godfather. I’d also agree with a decision to skip all of it.</p>
<p>But after that: the intentional snub of D2, the ridiculous time and distance gap between the wedding and reception, and the despicable treatment of ZM and her family would make me say SKIP the reception. </p>
<p>Right now I am struggling over whether to attend the wedding of the girl who was my flower girl 25 years ago. Her mother, my cousin, was my matron of honor. We’d go to this wedding in a heartbeat, although it’s 700 miles away, if it were being held on a weekend. BUT its a destination wedding. Its the Thursday after Thanksgiving in the Caribbean, at a very pricey resort. I work in an administrative position at a school (year round, so I could take vacation then but it’s frowned upon), and we’re co-hosting my in-law’s 50th anniversary party on Thanksgiving weekend, 200 miles from here. After much hand-wringing I’m close to deciding that if they really wanted us - or the rest of the extended family - at the wedding they’d have had the wedding at home and gone to the Caribbean for their honeymoon.</p>
<p>Thank you to the above posters regarding one daughter’s exclusion. If you go anywhere near the ceremony or the reception (sorry this is tough) you are agreeing with and a party to and GIVING PERMISSION to continue abusive behavior in your family. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t care if my daughter didn’t “care” if there wasn’t an invitation. I would care. And I would see in me the propensity for that behavior in me that I am seeing in my sister and niece.</p>
<p>Have a family dinner that night. Because the other people they aren’t your family.</p>
<p>I don’t get the recent “destination wedding” phenomenon. It seems an awful financial and logistical burden to put on potential guests. Going to a wedding at a resort would, for most people, become the yearly (or less often) vacation. How can a couple impose their choices of location, cost, etc., on their guests?</p>
<p>ZM, why would you even want to drag your brother, kicking and screaming? As you say, he’s in his 50’s. He’s a grown up. He can decide to go or not go.</p>
<p>Your sister doesn’t want to pay for an aide and doesn’t want the aide not to eat, because it’ll look bad? Well, guess what - TOUGH! You’re letting sister call all the shots - why?</p>
<p>If your sister wants your mother there, your sister should make the arrangements. If your sister doesn’t care, then it’s done. This fight is between your sister and your mother. Get out of the middle! </p>
<p>Stand with your immediate family, write off this sister and her kids (as she has obviously written you and yours off), and begin to enjoy your life.</p>
<p>Speaking as a “veteran” of four location weddings (with one coming up) I HAtE them. (I am not talking about a wedding that takes place in a hometown.) I always feel that this is a way to get gifts without putting money out. AND (little known fact) some venues give the bride and groom some money OFF their reception depending on how many people they pull in. I truly hate spending 2 to 4 thousand for a wedding. </p>
<p>But for my friends…we go…(heck, this year I could have gone to Hawaii twice if not for two weddings!)</p>
<p>Not to derail the thread, but the bride and groom with the destination wedding live within 5 miles of her parents and within 100 miles of his family, in N.C. Why a woman who is an elementary school teacher would schedule her wedding on the Thursday after Thanksgiving in the Caribbean is beyond me.</p>
<p>I’ll chime in to say that the fact that not all of your children are invited really caps it. Utterly despicable - especially after you made overtures for a rapprochement by hosting the BBQ… No way you should go. Stand up for your kids.</p>
<p>Second (third & fourth!) this part of Chedva’s post: “If your sister wants your mother there, your sister should make the arrangements. If your sister doesn’t care, then it’s done. This fight is between your sister and your mother. Get out of the middle!”</p>
<p>Just want to throw out this tidbit, it’s 180 degrees off the thread, but kind of fits.</p>
<p>H was invited to a traditional Thai wedding, but told the bride we would be unable to come as we had guests visiting that week. Her immediate response “oh please bring them, we would love to meet them.” This has happened at several weddings we have been invited to in Asia. It’s very gracious, and everyone has a good time.</p>
<p>Wish that more of the weddings mentioned here had been like that.</p>
<p>Yeah…we go. We are fortunate enough to have a number of very good friends who’s children are of marriage age. In the last two years we have been to four wedding with one coming up. I am not happy. But we are there to support our friends and their children…and the economy.</p>
<p>(Incidentally, the last destination wedding had 70 people from our side in attendance. Her side…more.)</p>
<p>I totally agree with ellbud if one D is excluded. But, I thought all your childen were excluded (although not all children on other side of family). Excluding one D is an insult, if that is the case, and you would be condoning it if you were to go.</p>
<p>ZM, why would you even want to drag your brother, kicking and screaming? As you say, he’s in his 50’s. He’s a grown up. He can decide to go or not go.</p>
<p>Your sister doesn’t want to pay for an aide and doesn’t want the aide not to eat, because it’ll look bad? Well, guess what - TOUGH! You’re letting sister call all the shots - why?</p>
<p>If your sister wants your mother there, your sister should make the arrangements. If your sister doesn’t care, then it’s done. This fight is between your sister and your mother. Get out of the middle!</p>
<p>Stand with your immediate family, write off this sister and her kids (as she has obviously written you and yours off), and begin to enjoy your life. </p>
<p>I’m in total agreement. Zoo, if you dont put an end to this toxic relationship, [ and this is the perfect time to do so, as she has shown you how little she values “family”]
you"ll be needing therapy the rest of your life[ and your d’s may end needing it too!]
what values are you teaching them? Always bend over backward for someone who only takes from you, but never gives back? Always turn the other cheek? Never stand up for your real family- the one you created, not the one you were born into? I’m sorry, but a certain point victims have to stop themselves from being [knowingly] taken advantage of. Otherwise you’ll just as much to blame for letting this sick relationship continue. I suggested earlier that you to think about this before- will the world end if you, your mom and brother dont go? I highly doubt that someone who is so selfish that she didn’t even go to her own fathers funeral will even notice that you are not there…
sorry if that seems harsh- sometimes in order to save your sanity you just have to cut off those in your family who make you crazy.</p>
<p>OhioMom, I believe that one of zm’s three children were invited. Her son is only 12 or 13, and my understanding is that no one under 18 is invited. But both of her daughters are over 18. One of them was invited and declined. The other has not been invited. I believe that she was deliberately excluded, but I’m not sure that this has been confirmed.</p>
<p>One question, zm. Why was your brother invited without a guest? I take it he isn’t married - I certainly hope a wife wasn’t excluded. I have never heard of a single adult being invited to a wedding without the option to bring a guest.</p>
<p>KarenColleges, What a lovely story! Much more in the spirit of a happy wedding celebration than zm’s niece’s wedding, which seems to be serving as a vehicle for hurting and controlling certain relatives.</p>
They invited all single guests without a date, but I have very good reason to believe that my brother is the only single person who isn’t in his early to middle 20s. He is divorced, but neither my sister nor the bride know him well enough to know if he is seeing anyone seriously – they don’t care about anyone’s life. The rationale for not inviting dates was (you guessed it!) worry that people wouldn’t cover the plate. I can kinda, sorta see not inviting dates for the yount people, but this is a professional man in his 50s who is the bride’s godfather. I find it incredibly disrespectful that they lumped him in with my 21-year-old daughter and other young people like that. There is no question but that his gift would have been generous and he should have been granted some honor. It’s getting even more surreal. My sister is truly and sincerely shocked beyond comprehension that my daughter isn’t coming. I don’t even know what to say about that. I have come to belive that the real reason, you know, the demon in the psyche reason, why D2 wasn’t invited was because the bride has always been a mean girl at heart and takes incredible pleasure in excluding people. </p>
<p>
Yes I am!</p>
<p>I’ve definitely decided to go to the church and at least show up at the reception. My husband will not go, which is fine. I am going to get myself a fabulous dress and a hairdo for the day.</p>