<p>
Ha! We should have a CC after party!</p>
<p>If only one of my two adult children were invited to a family wedding, there is no way on earth I would attend either ceremony or reception. With all due respect, it is amazing how people allow themselves to be treated.</p>
<p>Zoosermom,
The reason that your sis is so shocked that your D isn’t coming is because she rarely suffers consequences to her actions and is used to treading all over people with no fallout. She has learned that she can get away with treating everyone like S**t. </p>
<p>I am just stunned at this whole thing. Seriously. Who has a wedding that they cannot afford, managing to pull it off by insuring that none of the guests have a good time? Nobody can bring a guest? You’re only invited if you can cover the plate? People’s participation is evaluated based on their projected gift amount? One sibling is invited and the other is not? After being a guest in your home, your sister calls and criticizes your daughters boyfriend. Are you kidding me? If none of this uncivilized, boorish behavior was enough for you, the fact that your other daughter is being disrespected and hurt should be the clincher.</p>
<p>When I was ten years old, a neighbor ( a bit of a mean girl but one that I and my sister both played with) had a birthday party and invited me and excluded my sister. I refused to go. At ten, I knew where my loyalties should lie. I also knew that the neighbor was being passive aggressive and manipulative, even though I would not have know these words at the time. She was just “mean” and that was enough for me to decide to stay home.</p>
<p>I’m sorry but you are being played and the mean girls in this situation are expecting you to roll over and take it. Time to stand up tall and let them know that you see right through them. Whether you go to the wedding or not, it is time to make noise.</p>
<p>It might be a good idea for your stress level to step back a bit and get a little distance on all this. It sounds crazy-making and isnt worth the daily angst, IMO (other than keeping the cc’ers updated, of course 
) As awful as it may feel, I can kinda “get” why they made a flat “no guests for people not married” decision, and applied it across the board. I am kinda understanding that one. If costs or head count is limited in any way (and sometimes the bride and groom’s families have to negotiate this, regardless of who is paying) then they make a limit and try to stick to it. Its possible that (and I am purely making this up for example) the groom’s family wanted their Uncle Cosmo not to bring his concubine, and Uncle Cosmo’s ex-wife not to bring her boy-toy, so the families decided no unmarried would bring guests. Really, I wouldnt overthink all the extended invitations. I’d also not talk to your sister on a daily basis. Its like picking at a scab. If you made your decision to go to the wedding and make an appearance at the reception, then you are done. Sounds like you are handling your mom too, which is kind of you. Time to heal.</p>
<p>
I’ve actually reached the point where, thanks to all of you, I can laugh at the whole thing. It’s ridiculous to the point of “what can they come up with next?”</p>
<p>maybe a bunch of us in the NYC metro area can show up to the wedding looking like tourists that just stumbled across the church!</p>
<p>Last month we attended two out of town weddings. The first one we were family of the brides, the second we were friend for the groom’s family. In both cases we heard/watched the drama between the parents of the brides and grooms. It was painful but, admittedly a tad entertaining. At the second (where we were friends of the grooms family) they were so badly treated by the brides family, yet expected to pay for much of the cost (because they could afford to) we were asked by our friends to drink as much as we could stand at the wedding b/c the brides family was paying the bar tab
Yes, keep looking at the lighter side. (Too bad the liquor was terrible and the wine even worse)</p>
<p>When I planned my s’s bar mitzvahs, I kept a mental list of the most ridiculous things people asked me to do that were (a) totally out of line and (b) that I had no intention of doing. It was a way of being able to laugh instead of cry. I wont derail the thread with examples, but there are sone pretty outrageous ones. I can still think back and laugh, and it was a long time ago. I gave this suggestion (to keep this mental list) to my SIL when she was planning hers, as she is not Jewish and the whole thing was a bit challenging to her. She found this strategy very helpful- her best story was her sister wanting her(my SIL) to sew (handmake) a dress for her (the sister) to wear to the party, and asking her to make it the week before the event. Um, NO.</p>
<p>I think you have been treated so poorly for so long, that you are used to it and accept it as a given.</p>
<p>
Without a doubt.</p>
<p>nj2011mom-
Be sure to be dressed badly and have your cellphones ring during the ceremony :)</p>
<p>^^ Don’t accept it. You don’t have to. Take a stand. Teach them how to treat you.</p>
<p>You can’t change them. You can only change how you respond to them.</p>
<p>
Then you have decided to play their game and are telling them that what they have done to you, your family, and your daughter is okay. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but it’s the truth. The only way to make a clear statement that their treatment of your family is unacceptable is to disengage and walk away. Clearly your sister got the message when your DD1 did it.</p>
<p>
I’m going to do that after I go to the wedding. This is something I need to do in order to be able to live with myself. It may be a hard thing to understand, but I have to walk away with a completely clear conscience or I will always be susceptible to manipulation and guilt.</p>
<p>
I fully understand this Zoos. Think very carefully about the impact to your daughter. The guilt you may avoid by going may be replaced by regret/guilt that you did not put your daughter’s needs first.</p>
<p>How can you have a clear conscience when they have slighted your daughter? Don’t you have a greater loyalty to her? I could not put my sister above my daughter, if I had one. I have 2 sons.</p>
<p>And believe me, she (my sister) would not put me before her child.</p>
<p>AMEN to what EPTR said! Time to stand up for yourself and your family. I think it was either Ann Landers or Dear Abby who used to say, “People cannot take advantage of you unless you let them.” Well, people cannot treat you badly unless YOU let them. On the day of this wedding I would put on my fabulous dress, and celebrate with the other members of the family who had the good sense not to attend. I would use the money I planned on giving as a gift to take my Mom to a great restaurant, and toast the fact that we finally grew a backbone and refused to let our so-called “family” take advantage of us any longer! If your sister doesn’t like it…too bad. She and her daughter have treated your family shamefully for way too long. If you insist on giving a gift, may I suggest:</p>
<p>The Etiquette Book: A Complete Guide to Modern Manners
by Jodi R. R. Smith .</p>
<p>Clearly this is a subject that is foreign to some members of your family.</p>
<p>I completely understand your decision Zoos. Kind of falls under the “don’t stoop to their level” mentality. And you can then exit the situation with a clean conscious knowing you did the right thing.</p>
<p>I may be the only person not having a serious issue with them not inviting D2. Zoos said they weren’t surprised and that the bride has an issue with D2. D2 would be at school anyway and it was highly unlikely that she’d come home for the wedding anyway. Yes, it was rude, but this whole thing has been rude. I don’t think that Zoos going to the wedding is her silently agreeing with D2’s treatment, but rather her making sure that her mom is taken care of.</p>
<p>God/Higher Power/Inner Strength grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.</p>
<p>Is a WEDDING the right occasion to express the non-acceptance of such (lousy) treatment?
No, because it is a family/happy/holy event involving at least some whom you do care for or love.
Yes, because the abusive manipulation is being furthered in a passive-aggressive way that you “cannot say no to” as a part of this event- how inappropriate!</p>
<p>This wedding is worth attending only if you can RISE ABOVE all the drama, derive true pleasure and emanate genuine good will. Otherwise, the cycle continues…</p>
<p>
I sat my daughter down last night and we really talked and listened to each other. She believes that the relationship needs to be over and is very hurt at being singled out, but she is not surprised. She has always been a target of the bride and can handle herself pretty well, which is why she remains a target. I explained to her what my thought process was and she completely understands. She is pretty wise and said that my feelings in separating from the woman who raised me have to be considered above her tiff with a cousin she’s never liked and she doesn’t for one minute take it as putting their needs as above hers. She thinks that I am respecting her maturity by allowing her to put my needs first. I do know that many people won’t understand that, but my daughter does. And if she needed me to take a stand, I would do so, but she really doesn’t. Her sister and father refusing to attend is enough vengeance for her.</p>